Sunday, October 23, 2022

A Non-Crafter’s Guide To Crafting

I found this a while back on somebody’s Tumblr. I know it’s not even Halloween yet but let’s face it, because of the lead time required the official Christmas Crafting season has already begun.  I know many of you are artful crafters but I suspect just as many, or more, might identify with the (unknown) author’s affliction: Craftophobia, which is closely related to Linonophobia: Fear of String. 


With that in mind, I pass along one woman’s analysis and ranking of crafts and crafters:

“Grandma” crafts ranked by how afraid I am of them, ranked least to most.

·      Knitting – I watched a woman painstakingly knit her own wedding dress on Instagram. The only reason I am not viscerally terrified of knitting is that I can knit and therefore have accepted the horror into my heart: 4/10 for effort


·      Crochet – THERE IS ONLY ONE HOOK. HOW. HOW DO YOU DO THAT!? But again, I can single chain enough to seam my knitting, so we’re relatively cool with this: 6/10.


·      Embroidery – It’s so little and so detailed??? Literally you do that with a tiny needle and it looks like it could walk off the fabric. You’re a witch, I don’t make the rules. I mean, we’re all witches but you especially: 9/10


·      Spinning/weaving – Literally you are making something out of primordial fluff. This by definition makes you a god, I’m pretty sure. Y’all are incredible. I am in awe: 10/10


·      Tatting or handmaking lace by other methods that aren’t knitting or crocheting. Part of me is always going to be convinced you’re a spider god but in a cool way. Definitely the most intricate products, and the fact that I can’t parse how they come into being is why I fear and respect you: 11/10, you incredible terrors


·      Cross stitching – THIS IS FORBIDDEN MAGIC. WHAT ARE YOU? ALL THE SQUARES???? 1000/10

For the rest of you, let’s get going on those crafts! Time’s a wasting.