Saturday, June 11, 2011

WTF in Ohio? Holy Toledo BATman!

We’re off to Camp David because Lady M doesn’t want Big Guy in town when Little Tony finally throws in the towel this weekend.

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As always, the coming is more appealing than the going.

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I’m talking about Weiner, of course. It’s going to be even uglier when the rest of the teenaged girl-tweets come out. Rumor has it that Big Dog (Clinton) and Little Dog (BO) have already told Little Weenie to get out of town like a pronto pup.

large_03mccain17Click pic for recipe!

Will the weiner fascination never end around here? Seriously, if Rep. Weiner wants to rehabilitate himself and start over in a new district, I’ve got a great suggestion: Ohio!

That state’s beginning to look a little too rocky to be automatically dropped into our “Obama 2012” bucket, all due to the way Bush’s economic policies continue to ravage their economy. It’s so bad in fact that Big Guy’s playing golf next weekend with two Buckeyes, Boehner and Kasich: to see if he can give them anything to persuade them to say nice things about Big Guy’s plan to raise the debt ceiling.

Anyway, here’s my great plan for Little Tony’s witness protection relocation to the Ohio: it seems there’s a family dispute currently waging over ownership of the chili dog stand in Toledo made world famous by Jamie Farr's Klinger character in M*A*S*H. What could be better cover for a comeback than turning the Weiner into the legitimate business owner of Tony Packos?

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I tell you, it’s pure genius. Maybe I’ll quit my moonlighting job over at the National Archives and see if I can get a political consulting gig with the Newt. I understand he’s got a few openings.

Friday, June 10, 2011

In the “Twilight” of Our Reign? WTF

readyforyourcloseup

Lady M was the keynote speaker yesterday at the 40th anniversary gala for the National Partnership for Women and Families.

40th anniversary of the National Partnership for Women & FamiliesNot a scene from the “Twilight” series

She reminded the ladies that Big Guy has made women and families a top priority of his regime "since day one."

Butt ouch! Looking at the new jobs numbers just out, maybe we should have bumped W&F down to number two.

Lady M used the opportunity of the celebration to remind everyone of all the really important measures Big Guy had implemented for the little woman since taking office:

First, signing the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, nearly the first minute he was in office:

Barack_Obama_signs_Lilly_Ledbetter_Fair_Pay_Act_of_2009_1-29-09_crop380w

and Lady M was there:

imagesAt least I think that’s Lady M, she looks a bit anemic

Then the following month he signed an Executive Order creating the White House Council on Women and Girls.

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and Lady M was there.

flotus_womencouncil_blogLooking more “red blooded”

Then he nominated Sonya Sotomayor to the Supreme Court, because of her gender and her empathetic nature.

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sotomayor-100_thumb[2] Ryskind sketchbook

 

And then he nominated the equally qualified, although not quite as empathetic, Elena Kagan:

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So we’ve got the GLBT coalition in our camp now too.

down_with_her_bad_self_thumb[2]Elena, getting down with her bad self

Lady M was most gracious in her acceptance of the invitation to the luncheon:

And of course I want to thank all of you for inviting me here to your annual gala luncheon.  This is a pretty big deal here.  It’s a lot of you out there.  (Laughter.)

Hee hee. Lady M likes to talk like that sometimes. Getting down with her bad self too.

Butt  she made it clear that Big Guy’s accomplishments weren’t just a step forward for America, butt for the whole double-wide, globally big world:

And that’s the same message that I carry with me as I travel outside of our borders, because in so many ways, especially for young people today, those borders really don’t mean much anymore.  Our economies, our health, our dreams globally are all interconnected.

So when I visited London just a couple of weeks ago… I delivered this message to them at Oxford, because I wanted those young women to walk through those courtyards and hallowed halls, be a part of one of the most renowned universities in the world, because I wanted them to talk to students and faculty there and begin to envision a life for themselves in such inspired settings.  It was a beautiful thing to watch.

In Chile, I told young girls that they can compete with boys, that they can break with tradition, that they can build their own careers and fulfill every last one of their dreams.

And, in a couple of weeks, I’m traveling to South Africa and Botswana, because I believe that today’s generation of young women leaders in that country can carry forward the legacy handed down by those who led the fight for freedom and democracy.  (Applause.)  

And I do this work joyfully…

(Just giving you a heads up on that one: watch for “joy” and “joyfully” to crop up in all of our official remarks from now on. Ax-man says we have to be more upbeat.)

Anyway, we can take a bow for all the hard work we’ve done to make women equal,

5123453553_lady_gaga_46853477036-46854081457_xlargeLady “I used to be called a slut, butt now I’m an icon” Gaga; all things being equal

allowing 52 million legal abortions since 1973, and supporting 2 - going on 3 - generations of fatherless families with government food stamps; that are giving kids fat behinds because they can’t afford to buy organic arugula. Butt don’t worry, MO’s all over that one.

Oh my yes: yesterday was cause for great celebration. We’ve sure come a long way, baby.

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on DougRoss@Journal Thanks!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

From Day Care to College: We’re Winning the Future. WTF.

In her signature campaign to save the planet from fat behinds in a single generation, Lady M has thus far launched her No Child’s Fat Behinds!, Let’s Move Those Fat Behinds! and last week our new No Fat Food Plate Icon.

Butt since there’s been some push back (mostly by racist Tea Party  types like Sarah Palin) on Lady M’s excellent lifestyle advice, we’ve decided to take the fight to a more receptive audience: Daycare centers!

ok whatsgoingonhereOk boys and girls: do NOT put this in your mouth, Ok? Or your nose, Ok?

Because you’re never to young to start the indoctrination education program.

Michelle Obama's war on obesity is headed to day care.

The First Lady announced the child-care phase of her "Let's Move" campaign on Tuesday and encouraged the use of a checklist to improve healthy eating and increase physical activity.

Among the recommendations that Lady M made were at least one or two hours of physical activity per day:

bunnyBunny-hopping our way to health

and no television for children under age 2 (unless strapped into a safety seat):

bigblueweinerYou kids aren’t watching TV in there are you?

Lady M was joined at CentroNía, a “multicultural learning community,” whatever that is, by HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius.

And note that both ladies are also subtlety supporting one of our regime’s other re-election campaign themes: austerity in government. Both were wearing recycled frocks!

Kitty at CentroNía:

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and in 2009 with Lady M:

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While Lady M herself wore one of her famous frocks designed by Tracey Feith, surfer turned designer turned man on the lamb.

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No one seems to know what happened to Mr. Feith who disappeared in 2010, stiffing (I know, I said no more weiner jokes) his New York landlords for $200,000 in unpaid lease payments (I wonder if he was leasing from Rep. Charlie Rangel? Talk about poetic justice.). Butt not before designing some of MO’s most iconic frocks:

060909_obama_200X400        michelle-obama-and-tracy-feith-spirit-dress-gallery

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The famous wisteria
National Day of Prayer dress

Some of which have already been recycled: so don’t tell me Lady M isn’t frugal:

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Left, stripes, lace and green shoes, June, 2010.Right, wisteria at the Pittsburg G-20

Meanwhile, Big Guy was at Northern Virginia Community College yesterday, hyping his $2 billion program aimed at tailoring classes to train students for jobs in manufacturing.

imp of manuf jobsBig Guy showcasing art work made with Scrap metal from cars previously made in America

Far be it from me - as I have absolutely no formal economic training - to point out that, um, we don’t have any manufacturing jobs left in America. Making the training a bit superfluous. So I’m thinking that maybe he could just give that $2 billion to Lady M to promote her Let’s Move aerobic programs for bunnies.

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In order to prevent any more fat bunny behinds.

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Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Blue on Blue

Time%20to%20Panic

At his press conference with Angie yesterday, Big Guy put the entire economic situation in perspective: "Our task is to not panic, not overreact." Some would argue that a trillion dollar stimulus package was a bit of an over-reaction, butt they’re all Tea Party racists or partisan R-words.

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He then continued to have it both ways to calm everyone’s nerves, saying he’s not concerned that we’re headed for a double-dip recession (whew!), butt he has ordered an acceleration in the recovery. Gosh, I wish he would have thought of that a little sooner.

Maybe then I could have gotten that raise I requested back when Rahmbo was still running things around here (which I never got, BTW), and I wouldn’t have had to take on my new moonlighting job, in order to make ends meet.

As you known, I began my government career in the Smithsonian, so I was hoping to get a part time job over there, butt I guess I didn’t have enough seniority. So Big Guy arranged for me to get a gig over at the National Archives. I’m supposed to be refracting the “Constitution according to Ricky Holder”, butt I can’t really do that, so I’m just reflecting it as it was originally written. I’m sure I’ll lose my job when someone figures this out, butt so far no one from the regime has even been by to take a peek.

As jobs go, it’s a pretty good one. I get to stand guard by the three “Charters of Freedom” and reflect on their wisdom and beauty: something I rarely get to do in my day job any more. My only complaint is that it cuts into my spare time, so I won’t be able to spend as much time with you in the comment stream of my little blog, butt I’ll do my best!

And speaking of my day job, you saw that Angela Merkel came for a State visit yesterday?

spanning the universeThe wide world of Sport, spanning the globe

Big Guy had his hands full with Angela: covering everything from what to do about Quadaffi (“days, not weeks”) in Libya to European economic stability. They discussed the Greek debt situation, which he told Angie is really her problem:

"We think it would be disastrous for us to see an uncontrolled spiral and default in Europe because that could trigger a whole range of other events,"

I mentioned that he was talking about Europe, right?

Taking note that economic turmoil has roiled both sides of the Atlantic, Obama added: "Recovery from that kind of body blow takes time."

…which is code for “It’s Bush’s fault; he and the R-words drove our Jeep Wrangler into the ditch and we haven’t been able to figure out how to put it in 4-wheel drive in order to drive it back out. So we’ve been spinning our wheels, and digging in deeper and deeper.”

Jeep-037-w-s

Did you know that this marked the first official visit by a European leader to the White House since Big Guy moved in? Can you believe it? We’ve had Indian, Mexican, Chinese and Palestinian leaders thus far, butt none of our WWII or NATO allies. I think that’s to clarify that we’re in favor of a New World Order, and to keep things fair and balanced around here.

Anyhoo, to mark the occasion, Big Guy presented Angie with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

medal of freedom

It was a little awkward though, since BO forgot to toast Angie after the presentation. You might think that the awkward silence would have clued him to go to the toast, butt he just thought the audience was asleep at the switch, so he told everyone they could applaud.

finally a toast

Which they did. Butt finally, someone reminded him that he forgot the official toast, so he got a do-over and Angela got two applause lines. Nice. Butt I think it might be time for our protocol chief to review the Presidential Toasts chapter with Big Guy again.

Oh yes, and Lady M looked swimmingly fine in another Naeem Kahn  gown, this one a lovely ivory chiffon with hand beaded, hand made crystals: a project that saved or created another 100 jobs. In India.

232x598Trailing economic indicators

Here’s the thing: it’s not easy to shorten a beaded gown, especially one that’s linearly beaded. I’ve mentioned more times than I care to that you must select the shoes you’ll be wearing with the gown prior to the final fitting. Butt does Lady M ever listen? Always, we have to wait till the last minute, and then we get it wrong.

Butt the other ladies invited to last night’s State dinner looked lovely. Didn’t I tell you that blue was huge this year? Everything from navy to Cinderella.

google eric schmidt diane sawyerIf you don’t know who Eric Schmidt is, you could Google him

jamescarolyntaylorstevenand DWSeric shineskijohn jane roberts

Clockwise from top left: Carolyn and James Taylor, Stephen and Debbie (fire cracker) Wasserman Schultz, John and Jane Roberts (!?!) Eric and Patty Shinseki.

Hillary thought aquamarine was close enough to blue to count. Butt then, she’s still trying to  recycle everything from the Clinton era.

hillary recycled

Speaking of the Clintons, did you hear that Rep. Weiner called Big Dog to apologize? Unclear on that concept: can anyone help me out here?

 

untitledWTF?

Update: Special Request. I was trying to protect you. Blame Clarice for this hot mess.

ohdear

another special request, butt that’s it: I don’t think any of us can take anymore.

maybetoolongOh, oh!

p.s. that’s Angie’s cute, “reclusive” hubby, Dr. Joachim Sauer. Probably wishes he’d been a little more “reclusive.”

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Wages of War: Bris or Brisket

Weinergate: Day 11. The Weiner War wags rages on.

Big Guy is now firmly committed to staying out of it: he won’t touch Weinergate with a 10 inch pole!

dog1aa

 

wistling past the graveyardWhistling past the graveyard of Democratic peccadillos

He’s got a limp economy to worry about, so he sent in his number one ball buster to do the dirty:

No not Lady M, she’s busy with other really important things.

where's thedamnbagmanLet’s move

So we had to settle for number 2 BB (no, not Hillary either – another time, another place, maybe): Congressional hammer Nancy the P:

pelosi-dnc-600x432San Fran Nan brings the House hammer down on Weinergate

After adamantly claiming for days that he did not have sext with that woman, what’s her name; Anthony Weiner finally admitted that he did indeed sext his pecs... along with other miscellaneous anatomical assets to several women; both prior and subsequent to his marriage to Huma (who couldn’t make it to the press conference due to a previous engagement).

The presser was a typical Weiner theatrical production: dragging on for 40 minutes, and it still wasn’t enough for everyone. According to Hot Air:

The last question shouted at a Weiner as he left the podium was “Were you fully erect, Congressman?”

Come on, guys. Haven’t we grown tired of the short jokes about Big Tony’s little Tony yet?

No?

WOOD-TV is reporting that the Weiner will stand firm and not resign. Wiping back tears, Rep. Weiner said "This was me doing a dumb thing and doing it repeatedly and lying about it..." He also went on to say that he had never had sex outside of his marriage, taking his que from Bill  “I never had sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinski” Clinton. So I guess it depends on what the meaning of “sex” is – as well as “outside.

I think if the Weiner had spent more time studying the Bubba before coming out and spilling his beans, he would have just bit his lower lip instead of bawling like a baby.

You decide: Que es mas macho?

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And while we know the Weiner leans hard to the left, we don’t know if he,too, suffers from Peyronie’s disease, like the Big Dog does, where the entire unit salutes to the left. Not that that would be an excuse for sending pictures of your trouser commander to underage tweethearts, butt at least it might raise some sympathy votes. I would have recommended a little focus group pole-ing on that question.

Unfortunately, and despite the number of similarities to the original Slick Willie, I’m afraid the little Weiner dog has lost the support of the important women around here:

Lady M is totally ticked off about all of the coverage the little guy is getting when Big Guy is working so hard for the American people. Nancy Pelosi has already called for his grilling by the House Ethics Committee. And the last we heard from Huma Weiner, she had contacted Hillary to see if that “valet” position has still available. Whoo-wee! I can imagine those two getting together to commiserate.

And before the big confession Barbara Walters weighed in on the View, suggesting helpfully that perhaps the underwear shot was intended for his lovely wife, Huma Weiner (I can’t say that enough). Babs, come on, I know you’ve been out of the wifey business for awhile, butt surely you recall that wives, especially the ones married to Politicians, would greatly prefer real jewels:

2010-05-21-MICHELLEOBAMANECKLACEMichelle-Obamamichelle-obama-fenton-fallon-necklace-330ls070210michelle-thumbsup

Although, sometimes all they get is paste.