Saturday, October 17, 2009

Sexual Healing

While Mo and I were covering Florida, Big Guy was  busy schmoozing in New Orleans and San Francisco; raising money for the Democratic Party. It was just like being back on the campaign trail – only we get to live in Big White! Because we won!

michelle big at lgbt june 27 08Anyway, a little cooling off period after that Latina melt down was probably a good idea. This Saturday’s date night is probably off anyway.


Things went as well as they could have for Big Guy. The homies in New Orleans are getting a little impatient because BO hasn’t rebuilt their homes yet like he promised. But they’re cutting him some slack because, well, he’s not Bush.

Meanwhile, up in San Fran, we had an intimate little dinner with Nancy Pelosi and friends ($34,000 per couple, which guarantees intimacy, even if Big Guy is going to be there).

Obama_Pelosi_E_20091016102624 Bo and Nancy: together on the fund raising trail 

Meanwhile, the LGBT  (that’s lesbian-gay-bi-sexual-transgendered for those of you in fly-over who live under a flower pot) community in SF is apparently growing a little restless.  A few of them even had the audacity to protest, if you can imagine.

It seems they don’t think BO is keeping his promises to them either. They thought by now they would be able to legally marry in all 50 states, ask and tell in the military and provide all the floral arrangements at the White House.

But it seems he hasn’t delivered on the gold-standard of promises yet: a transgendered person on the White House staff. And it’s not as if they haven’t applied. Theresa Sparks, San Francisco Human Rights Director, said:

"Anecdotally, I found out they weren't ready for a transgender person to go through a senate confirmation hearing," Sparks says, noting her information comes from talking "to people who've talked to people."

And that’s always a good source. That’s where ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN and MSNBC get there information too. Although in this case it seems she has hard evidence to back up her anecdotal claim. It seems Ms/Mr Sparks her/himself applied for 2 positions in the administration. Here’s what she discovered:

"I was told, anecdotally: A. I'm too controversial and they don't want to put someone like me in a senate confirmation hearing, and; B. It was too risky to put someone up for a nomination who'd worked for a sex toy company.Sparks was CEO of San Francisco sex toy retailer Good Vibrations until last fall.

theresa sparks Theresa Sparks, Whatever.

I think I have an idea that results in everything ending well for everybody. Theresa: if you could supply the right “toy”, date night would be back on and you could be appointed Intimate Relationship Czar (no Senate confirmation required).

Friday, October 16, 2009

On the Freedom Trail

Yesterday was just crazy.

First we headed down to Miami-Dade College to speak at the Freedom Tower about the value of service. In case you don’t remember, the Freedom Tower, a national historic landmark, was used in the 1960s by immigration officials to process thousands of refugees fleeing the Cuban revolution. But that was before we knew what a great historic leader Fidel was.

mo miami2

The gist of Lady M’s speech was to let kids know that it’s becoming increasingly cool among today's youth to be involved in public service. She told them how much she sacrificed by leaving her big time job at a law firm to work for the public interest. But she expressed her concern over how to harness that interest over the long-term. You know, like after they grow up and need to move out of mom and dad’s basement:

“How do we counter those voices that tell them, ‘Well, if you don't get paid a lot money for what you do, then maybe what you do really isn't that valuable.’  Or voices that say, ‘Well, that's awfully nice that you want to do service, but when are you going to get a real job?,’” she asked.

I can’t really answer that, other than to say that from what I can tell all the former presidents and first ladies can make a lot of money after they leave the Big White.

Anyway, right after that pitch, we flew up to Elgin Air Force Base in Pensacola Fort Walton Beach (the red-neck Riviera for those not familiar) (Correction H/T to MOTUS fav Adrian Monk) to address military families. It was way hotter there. Apparently the military can’t afford air conditioning, what with their funding being diverted to the Charlie Rangel School for his defense fund and other important projects. The paramedics had to treat a few people for heat exhaustion, and even Mo commented on how hot it was. She also shed her lavender J.Crew sweater from earlier in the eglin Let’s be honest, everyone came to see her toned arms anyway, and she –like the trooper she is – didn’t let them down. See. It isn’t always about her.

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Thursday, October 15, 2009

Vaya con Dios B***h!

Enough already about the salsa dance! I don’t usually embed videos, because they often loose my trans-imaging effects and reverse the refraction, but since the buzz won’t die down, I’ll make an exception for this:

It’s all over the news and the web that Mo gave Bo the cold shoulder after he went trotting with that little Mexican hotty, Thalia. As usual though, the media only gets it half right.

What really had Lady M torqued-off was the fact she specifically told Big Guy: no dancing at the Fiesta, dude. It had nothing to do with that picante vixen from the other side of the Rio Grande. It’s because every time she sees him out trying to cut the rug, all she can think of is “how in God’s name can a black man have so little rhythm!?!” And then she remembers about her white mother-in-law (may she rest in peace) and there’s no dealing with her for at least another 10 hours.

We haven’t had this much ice in the East Wing since that flap over Big Guy ogling the behind of that underage Brazilian chick. If you thought the apology tour was over at the end of the European trip, you should’ve been around the Big White the next week!


I think things have calmed down now. Mo promised to forgive BO for embarrassing her, and BO promised to have Thalia deported.


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Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Para Bailar LO Bama,

Seriously, is there anything happier than Latino music? Salsa, merengue –hot, hot, hot!  Yesterday was Fiesta Latina night at La Casa Blanco, and there was a lot of singing and dancing.

 latina3George Lopez, Eva Longoria and Jimmy Smits

But first, I should mention that this big event took place “under the stars” on the South lawn. Well, actually under a big top. And while I’m sure the imagery of Mo and Bo having a “big tent” party will play well, I’m just hoping all their new Latin BFF don’t find out that the first two events in Lady M’s music series – jazz and country – were both held in the East Room. INSIDE the Big White.

But I tell you what, if the Latin beat doesn’t get you on your feet, you’re either comatose or British. Big guy, being neither - that we know of - was up on stage dancing the night away. I know, I know - he clearly got his rhythm from his white grandma. All the more reason to give him kudos for sashaying his booty around with JLo (the bitch), Mo and the girls while ThalĂ­a  sang “Amor a la Mexicana.”

mo JloAs you can see, Lady M was radiant in her black top festooned with little gold squares. But I wished she had gone with something a little, well, hotter.  More like the one she wore to the Hispanic Caucus Awards Dinner. Although it might just be the big red globe that made it look hot.
mo latina latin world
Here’s another shot of the big tent out on the lawn: latino1
By the way, that’s Sheila E. on the left. She used to be the sidekick of the artist previously and currently known as Prince. He could give Lady M a run for her money in the “best toned biceps” department. And that boy knows a thing or two about bling too.
prince toned bicepts michelle arms
All the guests raved about the event, with the only teensy-tiny criticism coming from Jose Feliciano  who said the concert was good, but Latin performers should be “part of the whole,” not just trotted out for Hispanic heritage month. Specifically, he said  “… the only time that Latinos are called upon is when the elections are around,” But that’s obviously not true, since Big Guy isn’t going to need them again until 2010.

Besides, I think Jose is biased. I happen to know for a fact that he played a gig here during the Reagan administration.

But over all, great party: great food, fun pink and green drinks, and music to die for. Huge, huge success: the grounds crew is still cleaning up confetti.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Ga-Ga For Human Rights

You probably heard about Big Guy’s speech at the Gay Rights Rally. What? Oh. Correction, at the Human Rights Campaign dinner. He didn’t really know about the rally on the Mall, someone switched his Blackberry off.

lady gaga Lady Gaga at the Human Rights Campaign Dinner

Anyway, it’s hard to keep all these events straight (that’s a tasteful little gay joke)that Lady Gaga shows up at .

Lady Gaga with Obama Earslady_gaga

And let me make this perfectly clear: I love gay people. While I haven’t worked directly for too many of them (I wasn’t around for the Nixon or Carter administrations), I certainly interact with them regularly in wardrobe, and they’re the best.

But I was  puzzled over Big Guy’s comments:

Speaking at the black-tie event, President Obama assessed the progress made by the gay agenda, saying, "despite the real gains that we’ve made, there’s still laws to change and there’s still hearts to open."

Maybe it was just the issue with the subject/verb agreement that got me all wee-weed up (TOTUS, where were you?), but there was more:

President Obama delivered an impassioned speech in which he criticized the concept of the  traditional family and announced that his administration will work to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA.)

I’m not sure he cleared that one with Lady M, because she’s still pretty much into the traditional family concept, and doesn’t really want any threesomes in the Big White. She said that’s where all Bill Clinton’s problems started.

Barack-Obama-addresses-th-001 He’s only Human

But the big wrap was this:

"That’s why I continue to speak about the importance of equality for LGBT families, and not just in front of gay audiences.  That’s why Michelle and I have invited LGBT families to the White House to participate in events like the Easter Egg Roll, because we want to send a message."

Seriously, Joey or Rahmbo or somebody has got to tell Big Guy that he’s not on the campaign trail anymore and he can stop with the domestic pandering. He’s got to save himself for all the tin-pot dictators around the world. And trust me, they’ve got human rights issues.


Monday, October 12, 2009

The Dolly Llama

I suppose this was inevitable: a Michelle action figure.

mo action figureDoes this not just make your hair hurt?

And while I hate to repeat myself: “Dude, her head is bigger than her butt!”

Manhattan mom Eileen Ramos told the New York Daily News:

"Batman has nothing on Michelle Obama,""I bought the Barack figure last year but I think Michelle is the one with the real superpowers in the family."

And where, exactly, Eileen, do you think she GETS these superpowers?

And what’s up with the Tom McCanns? Although I should probably be thankful. It could have been worse:

Rahmbo (aka “Toes”) should be the only one around here with cloven hoofs.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

And The Award Goes To…..Me!

Wow! What a week! First Big Guy wins the Norwegian Grammy Award for Readership, and then THIS! American Digest named little old moi Bestest New Blog of the Week.

ad bestest award

This is bigger than BO’s Nobel, except for the sack of Kroners that his award came with. I assume there are no Kroners  in conjunction with this award?

I made a brief statement in the Rose Garden after receiving news of the honor early this morning:

I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the decision of American Digest. Let me be clear: I do view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments. Transforming the Transformers is a lot of work.

I would have gone on, but Rahmbo was in the back row, glowering at me with that dead fisheye stare of his. That generally means get back to work.

So deepest thanks to American Digest. I will always reflect well on you.

“Dude, Her Head’s Bigger Than Her Pelvis!”

There’s been a flap in the fashion world over the photo of a Ralph Lauren model looking particularly emaciated, even for a model. Initially the RL group denied any photo-shopping of the pic, and threatened to sue anyone using the image.

However, after further “investigation” they apologized for doctoring the photo and promised to do better in the future.

The only “investigation” required was  a good look at the photo: original



see? Her head is bigger than her butt. I know that this is not anatomically impossible, but you generally don’t see it outside the field of politics.






But the second “investigative” technique required to determine if this photo of a model with a waist circumference smaller than her hat size was digitally “enhanced” is called “zoom”. If you blow it up, you can see some funny hard edges where pixels used to be. When Leggo size pieces are missing,  it’s usually considered confirmation.

But we guess RL had to get a legal team together to investigate the hateful allegations - which were undoubtedly based on racism anorexism – before acknowledging what it might have been a misguided artist’s rendering of a female-like extoskeleton.

Which, while an interesting story, merely serves to illustrate how inferior computer enhancing techniques are to my NASA developed nano-light-enhancing-refraction technology.

Behold my trans-imaging powers compared to mere Photoshop:

alltheway original

I think you see why I’m invaluable around here.   I finally got Rahmbo’s attention with this demonstration,and he gave me my first policy assignment. I’m working on the deficit resulting from Big Guy’s Healthcare plan.

H/T Boing Boing