Saturday, March 5, 2011

3-D Printing Machines. WTF? Obama’s Birth Certificate No Longer “Off the Rack.”

A 3-D printing machine, WTF? Seriously: this could Win the Future for Big Guy. Just when everyone around here was preparing for the end of the American Century, someone from Cornell comes along with this: A machine that fabricates any object in 3 dimension! How cool is that?

The Economist went so far as to say it could revolutionize the industrial revolution. They’re talking about making ears, and skin, and kidneys! And cakes with your initial embedded right in the middle – in dulce de leche! Or any other flavor of your choice. You’ll be able to get them right at Costco.

3d food3-D cakes, a bit small, butt they come by the gross at Costco

Butt Wow! We have so got to get one of those printers. Think of all the potential applications around here. No more ill-fitting clothes, evah! We could print Lady M’s wardrobe to order:

  • Specially printed skirts and slacks that are made to order for our unique J-Lo profile:michelle butt

 mi copen4

…in order to avoid that unfortunate optical illusion effect.  

gagasbuttLady Gaga’s a big fan of custom 3-d butt fittings.

  • Also, we could print our own shoes to fit our “unique feet” perfectly.

six_toe_sandels[4]_thumb[2] Cripes world-famous photo of Lady M’s world-famous “Oprah” toe: custom  shoes are a must with a foot like this.

That way we wouldn’t have to wear that one comfortable pair, whether they go with the outfit or not.

Or worse, no shoes at all:


  • Plus, we could custom print our jackets to fit smoothly over our well turned curves so that this doesn’t happen again:

 annotated walmart suit 

  • In fact, we could probably just go ahead and print up our own custom falsies as long as we’re at it,


in order to enhance our boob belts:

232x297 We could’ve used a little extra “lift” here.

For a complete list of rack options, visit Gerard’s Side Bar and scroll down to Thursday/Wednesday.

racks (Just between you and me, I think Sarah’s rack is larger)

Wow, this is fun! How about custom printed eyelashes,

false eyelashes

to match our favorite outfits:

japanese-eye-lashes hallow surprise


peacockposeLady M’s world famous peacock harvest


…and lips, for those days when we just can’t muster up the real deal:

wax[6] fatricks day

Best of all, if we can get one of these machines up and running, I know exactly what I’m going to fabricate for Big Guy’s next birthday:

bo_birthcert  Hawaiian Certificate-Lite

hawaiian 1961 long form

Real Hawaiian Birth Certificate, brought to you by Fabricate Yourself

Friday, March 4, 2011

Jimmy Carter: He’s Ba-ack!

I thought you might enjoy Dewey’s new video which explores some unusual similarities between Big Guy and Jimmy Carter – the former President previously known as the “Worst President Ever.”

I helped him out a little on this one, and even got a credit for “technical support!” I didn’t do that much, really, butt I think it raised this otherwise boring political documentary to the level of an “art” film.

See what you think:

You can find more amazing coincidences between Big Guy and Jimmy Carter over on Dewey. 

What’s that? You say there’s no such thing as coincidence? Only the illusion of coincidence?

02I can’t say for sure, I didn’t see the movie.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Today’s Big White, Brought to you by the NEA.

Linked by Big Fur Hat (no relation to Cat in the Hat) at iOTW! Thanks! And Welcome iOTW readers. Please feel free to visit early and often.

Yesterday was a very big day.

First, we had our annual celebration of Dr. Seuss’ birthday at the Library of Congress, organized by the National Education Association (NEA). The event also served as the kick off of the NEA’s annual "Read Across America Day." In honor of the event, Lady M play-acted her way through “Green Eggs and Ham,” which is really a story about a racist who’s unwilling to give green eggs a chance.


For the occasion we chose a Marc Jacobs pin-pleated tomato-red skirt with a built in cummerbund. Hot!


A dress change later, we honored the winners of the 2010 National Medal of Arts and National Humanities Medal, organized by the other NEA, the National Endowment of the Arts.

A huge disappointment though, Meryl was busy in London and unable to attend our tea. And frankly, the rest of the recipients weren’t much to look at, unless you find aging hippies attractive.

joyce_caroll_oates[2] vc philip roth donald_hall_poet[2] sr

Author Joyce Carol Oates,pianist Van Cliburn, author Philip Roth, poet Donald Hall and jazz musician Sonny Rollins receive the Medal of Honor.

Thank goodness Lady M was there to add a little sparkle in this rerun Michael Kors teal silk matelasse dress, that showcases her famously toned arms.


Everyone had a wonderful time, and all of the recipients took home a really big medal. And James Taylor won the grand prize: a chance to play Press Secretary for the day:

james taylor

The occasion of Dr. Seuss’ birthday reminded me that we haven’t had a proper Seussical around here since last August’s Evil Uncle Sam  performance of Kono’s (IOTW) and Don Fredrick’s wonderful rendition of Dr. Seuss for patriots. So in homage to the old socialist’s 107th, and as a nod to our National Arts Day, I thought I’d pen a few lines of doggerel to add to the never-ending story of “I Do Not Like This Uncle Sam.”

I do not like this Uncle Sam

This Sam who doesn’t give a damn.


I do not like his Eric Holder

who’s got a chip upon his shoulder.


His Back Panther pals I cannot abide,

their voter crimes he just set aside.


I do not like those pipe wielding thugs

as slimy as your garden slugs.


No, indeed, I don’t like that Holder

his racist charges, they make me smolder.


He gets upset if we dis “his people”

so just shut up, be good little sheeple.

 blackpantherboyzbmpThe Philadelphia BP Boyz

Feel free to add your own lines on current events for addition to Uncle Sam’s garden of verses. From the Big White, this is your would-be poet-laureate, signing off.

Oh, and by the way, yesterday was brought to you entirely by the NEA and the other NEA, both of which are funded by… you! One way or another. Thanks, American Taxpayer!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

One Man’s Propaganda is Another Man’s PSA

Did any of you watch the Cartoon Network Hall of Games Awards with your kids or grandkids last week? If not, don’t feel guilty. Neither did anyone else. Even though Lady M was on, promoting our “No Child’s Fat Behind” program. She just wanted to tell kids to eat their veggies, preferably organic, because their parents aren’t informed enough (yet) to tell them themselves.

According to Granny Jan, it looks like this “all-veggies-all-the-time” initiative is going to require a bit more efforting:

Butt don’t worry, it’s SEIU’s our number one priority.

It’s funny,though, when a cartoon caricature is hawking something it’s considered propaganda:



Hi! I’m Ronald, and I’m evil! Would you like fries with that?





Butt when Lady M does it, backed by the full faith and credit of the federal government, it’s a PSA.

mo-toon wave-2


Hi-iiii! I’m Michelle. I’m good. And wise. And really, really cool. So eat your damn carrots!!!





I’ve got to run now, we’ve got another Big White Awards show this afternoon! It’s the 2010 National Medal of Arts and National Humanities Medal. You’re not going to want to miss this one! Meryl Streep is one of our winners this year! I’m giddy with anticipation.

In the meantime, why don’t you all run out and grab some lunch. Just be sure to choose wisely, there will be consequences!

foodpolice Food Police in San Francisco seen forcibly removing a suspected food terrorist from a local restaurant

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Michelle, Jill, Jay: Meet the WTF’s Booster Club

moji cheerleaders WooHoo! FLOTUS AND VFLOTUS address the nation’s governors, promoting support for military families.

MO and Jill have a new plan. It might sound like an old plan, but since they just announced it (again) yesterday that makes it a new plan. Today.

Oh, I forgot - the plan:

Because in the end, this is something that I think we can all agree on, no matter where we come from, no matter what we might think about any other issue. We all know that this issue -- this is not a Democrat issue, this is not a Republican issue. This is an American issue. And more importantly, this is an American obligation. It truly is.

It’s about showing our gratitude to that very small group of Americans who make such a tremendous contribution and sacrifice to this country. And it’s about serving the people who sacrifice so much to serve us.

No, heheheh. Don’t be silly. Lady M’s not talking about herself. Is she?

…which is how I came to this issue thinking about the challenges I face and then looking at a military spouse who is shouldering the exact same burden…

…So the thing I had to think about is if I’m feeling sorry for myself in my role with all that I’m juggling, just imagine if I were in their position, with the pressures and the challenges and the uncertainty.  But they do it proudly.  And that’s the thing that we’ve learned. 

Cuz, golly, who could have ever imagined that military families would be proud of their husbands, wives, dads, moms, sons, daughters, brothers and sisters who were serving in the armed forces of the United States – of AMERICA! So you see, all those trips across country and Air Force Won-2 were worth it. Sort of like Hillary’s listening tours.

…So we’re excited.  We’re going to gear up.  We’re going to be working hard.  We’re going to (be) on the road.  We’re going to make this fun and exciting.  We’re going to pull in businesses and entertainment and sports, and we’re going to pull in all sectors to get behind this effort.

So thank you all in advance, and I look forward to visiting your states. (all 57 of them)  So you all take care and good luck. 

Good luck indeed! WTF! Win the Future. You know?

Mojill-0070Every team has a skinny blonde cheerleader with big boobs

And Big Guy spoke to the governors too, telling them about his WTF campaign:

We need a skilled and educated workforce, a commitment to cutting-edge research and technology, and a fast and reliable transportation and communications network. (Big Guy’s high speed internet train station at the next high speed off ramp) That’s how we’re going to bring new jobs to America, and that’s how we’re going to win the future.

And he even took time to address an issue that’s not even one that he’s personally responsible for:

But let me also say this:  I don’t think it does anybody any good when public employees are denigrated or vilified or their rights are infringed upon.  We need to attract the best and the brightest to public service.  These times demand it.  We’re not going to attract the best teachers for our kids, for example, if they only make a fraction of what other professionals make. 

Governor Walker’s press secretary, Cullen Werwie, responded for him:

I'm sure the President knows that most federal employees do not have collective bargaining for wages and benefits while our plan allows it for base pay. And I'm sure the President knows that the average federal worker pays twice as much for health insurance as what we are asking for in Wisconsin. At least I would hope he knows these facts.

Which just goes to show how important a press secretary can be. Take Big Guy’s for example: Since Big Guy was busy taking care of union business in Wisconsin, that left it up to JJ to handle foreign affairs this week:


Colonel Qaddafi needs to step aside, to step down. He has lost all legitimacy in the eyes of his people, most importantly, and in the eyes of the world community. He is no longer in a position to credibly lead his nation. And he is, in the meantime, inflicting horrific violence on the people he claims to serve and the people he claims love him -- which is quite a claim indeed. So I won’t put a deadline on it, except to say now would be good.

Big Guy said essentially the same thing last week, butt until you hear it from his press secretary, nobody takes it seriously. For some reason.

campaign  begins

Monday, February 28, 2011

Oscar Night: Reds Rule

Two big Governors’ Balls last night. Ours first:

mo3deckers Lady M, a virtual butterfly at our ball, “rockin’ a Prabul Gurung,” and sportin’ a pair of quadruple-deckers (on her ears).

As I told you, there was an embargo on phone-cams, but here’s a little something I managed to tweet out. You can’t see much of it, butt trust me. Lady M is “rockin’ a Prabal Gurung” in that lovely chartreuse frock.

The menu was likewise embargoed, due to continued assaults from the right-wing-healthy-eating-initiative-attack-machine. Butt Little Mo managed to snag a copy of it while Chef Comfy was busy yelling at all the ‘lil chefs from Tubman Elementary, who Senior Policy Advisor for Healthy Food Initiatives and Chief Propagandist, Sam Kass, was supposed to be babysitting. Here it is:

Salad of roasted pears with housemade ricotta, walnut crisps, with White House Kitchen Garden greens

Scallops with spiced mango chutney

"Surf and Turf"
Local Black Angus Beef with Blue Crab

Black Beans and Rice, Plantain Chips

Coconut Sorbet in a Chocolate Shell with Poached Tropical Fruits made with White House Honey

American wines from California, Washington and New York will be served with each course

We did have to make over the menu after El Rushbo’s rant last week about Lady M’s rib diet plate.  So we took out most of the fat and flavor from last night’s menu and added in weeds from the “organic” garden and fruit so we wouldn’t look like hippo-crites. Not to worry: Chef stocked the frig with some of Lady M’s favorites for a little “after the show” noshing.

Big Guy toasted the governors and their significant others, joked about the Academy Awards (which he was not nominated for again this year) and told the crowd:

"The main message I want to deliver tonight, in addition to asking you to have some fun this evening, is to know that you’ve got a partner here in the White House,"

He means himself. Although that’s technically true only if you have a “D” after your name, and you support Big Guy and his Big Labor Unions. (Otherwise, it’s me.)

Butt enough about the  business of politics, let’s take a peak at the other Governors’ Ball, where there’s no controversy over collective bargaining rights because everyone belongs to a union.

It was just a huge night for the Oscar winners and wannabes. Miss Hathaway was one of this year’s co-hosts. And wow! She’s had one of the best Hollywood do-overs I’ve ever seen:

NancyKulp Miss Hathaway from her Beverly Hillbillies days…

misshathawayAnd at last night’s Oscars

Red was a big color last night:

sandrabSandra Bullock wore it well

And Jennifer Hudson, with her new skinny body, wore it pretty well,


stuffinthebunnies …except for her bunnies, which she kept having to stuff back in.

Just a footnote on Jennifer: she’s no longer welcome here at the Big White. Ever since her significant weight loss, she makes Lady M’s butt look big.

And speaking of which; can we all just stipulate to one thing:


Unless you look like this in a dress, of any color, can we please not use the phrase “rockin’ a dress” ever again?

And while Natalie Portman won the Oscar for her Black Swan role, (Hollywood’s nod to Black History Month)


I think perhaps that role should have gone to Sharon Stone instead:


As you can see, she had herself completely re-groomed for the part:

   sss Before:




Almost as good as Miss Hathaway’s do over. As long as she doesn’t smile.

Butt I’d still give the Black Swan Oscar to Big Guy: for best portrayal of an American President. Evah!