How to make unemployment work for you!

Good news for Big Guy: Based on the newest household survey, unemployment dropped below 8% for the first time in 44 months!!!

To track this surprisingly robust recovery, we need to track the new Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) survey that has the talking heads all wagging their tongues. It seems nobody as yet has been able to rationally explain how the unemployment rate dropped when the number of new jobs created in September was lower than the number of new jobs created in August (which was also lower than the number of jobs created in July) and the overall number of unemployed Americans is higher than it was the month before.

The answer of course lies with “mathamagicals.” Mathamagicals let you take a bad news day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile:

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it.

So like Professor Jacobson said, it’s not going to be productive to talk about how Big Guy “cooked the books’ since the numbers speak for themselves.

Here’s the deal, nobody really thinks Big Guy would have a clue how to “cook the books” himself anyway. For that, he relies on his little people who determine the “methodology” being employed over at the BLS. I know, I know! “Butt MOTUS, all of the experts have weighed in saying either a) there’s no way to ‘cook the books’ (they’ve obviously never written a computer model) or, b) there’s no way BLS would ‘cook the books’ (they’ve obviously never worked in a political hierarchy, public or private), so that can’t be it!”

Let’s just say where there’s a will, a cog in the wheel will find a way. And we’ve got lots of cogs. If you enjoy technobabble you can go directly to the Bureau of Labor Statistics website for an explanation.

Butt let’s not get wonky. Is it cooking the books if you revise the sampling and methodology to drive the desired result? I don’t know, you’d have to ask a scientific researcher for an answer to that.  Butt I can tell you WON or two of our little tricks; we can tweak the number of people landing in the “labor participation” pool just by how we pose the question “are you looking for work?”  This month for example, we focused on encouraging people who have been out of work for 12 months or more to re-classify themselves as “independent contractors.”  That sounds a lot better than “loser out of work for 12 months or more” don’t you think? So did many of the chronically unemployed so they chose option 3, “self-employed.”  It’s good for your self-esteem and we all know how important that is.

As many bloggers know, being Self-employed is better than unemployed:

Will blog for tips

So now we count all the currently unengaged consultants as self-employed, even if they’ve never booked one dime of revenue! Welcome to the President’s “molasses” recovery (I hope that’s not racist). At the rate were going, half of America will be “self-employed” by the end of Big Guy’s second term.

Please Help: become an unemployed independent consultant today

Because remember, unemployment masquerading as self-employment allows everybody to feel better about themselves, especially Big Guy.

Love is all around, no need to waste it

 

You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all

So, for those of you who have switched over from politics to football for the season, let me frame this unemployment situation in more manly football terms: The old coach got fired after a 4 and 12 season and was replaced by a new coach who posted a 3 and 13 season his first year. The 2nd year, the team slipped to 2 and 14, and the 3rd year to 1 and 15. Butt in the 4th year of his leadership he manages to bring the team around to 4 and 12 and then argues that he should get another 4 year contract because he managed to get the team back to where they were when the old coach got fired. (h/t Frank Beckmann)

I smell victory, don’t you?

On another topic, I gather from your comments that most of you did not LOVE Lady M’s dress from the new Jason Wu collection?

At least it’s well ventilated: looks like the upholstery they use for those high-end autos with air conditioned seats

She just can’t please you people can she? I mentioned your concern with her timeless, seasonless bare guns and get her to wear a little mini-me as a nod to autumn in Cincinnati, and you’re still not happy.

It’s so hard to make everybody happy. I guess this just validates Lady M’s number one rule: it’s always best to just please yourself.

I’m just warning you though, if you keep criticizing her so unfairly I can’t be responsible for what she’s likely to do next.

Previous campaign trail retaliation

If you keep this up, next she’ll be channeling the Mary Tyler Moore Show too. Oh wait…

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, Thanks!

This debate is not over until I say it’s over!

Some people credit Big Guy’s debate performance – or lack-there-of – to nothing more than a momentary brain fart.

My turn? I’ll take “Who killed Osama” for $5000, Jim.

Others think it was due to global warming or simply the fact that BO has to bear the weight of the world on his tiny little shoulders.

Regardless of the cause, Team Obama was right back in the game yesterday with all of the “wit of the staircase” they could muster. Being on the campaign trail meant we could still use all of those smart repartees, witty comebacks and clever turns of phrase that didn’t occur to BO while he was standing face to shoes with Mitt Romney.

Butt with the assistance of our Hollywood writers Big Guy was right back on the stump yesterday, staging a one-man do-over. Only this time he had TOTUS stand in for Romney:

Back in the game, back in his comfort zone; debating himself. And WINNING!

BO had dozens of smart sounding sound bites, most of which evolved around one crucial point directed at the Romney camp: “liar, liar pants on fire!”

Oh! And this just in to our news room - our first official October surprise (unless you count the debate): Unemployment falls to 7.8%. Some people call it a “shock” others call it a “fraud.” AP reports, you decide:

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The U.S. unemployment rate fell to 7.8 percent last month, dropping below 8 percent for the first time in nearly four years. The rate fell because more people found work, a trend that could impact the presidential election.

The Labor Department says employers added 114,000 jobs in September. The economy also created 86,000 more jobs in July and August than first estimated. Wages rose in September and more people started looking for work.

The revisions show employers added 146,000 jobs per month from July through September, up from 67,000 in the previous three months. The unemployment rate fell from 8.1 percent in August, matching its level in January 2009 when President Barack Obama took office.

The decline could help Obama, who is coming off a disappointing debate against Mitt Romney.

Actually, it wasn’t really unexpected, we’ve been planning it all year. So although there were only 114,000 new jobs, there were 800,000 people who decided to sign up for those “work-at-home-part-time” jobs just last month! Or at least that’s the number we’re using, based on the Labor Department’s most current household survey.

And speaking of fashion blasts from the past, it’s true: Lady M wore (twice) recycled Preen at Wednesday’s debate:

I don’t know how he does it either! Butt doesn’t my hair look great?

Seen first in London, and then at one of our many I the Military events:

 

Butt as is common with Lady M’s fashion forward choices, another controversy has come up. This question landed in MOTUS’ Mailbag from Ellen: Is Lady M actually wearing the fashion forward jacket on this frock backwards?

The Historic Debate Continues

It would appear so; or is it just one more example of the brilliance of Team Obama - leading with our rear-end?

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Obama debacle: not a good idea to believe your own press clippings

Let’s just say that it might have turned out better for Big Guy if Romney had chosen to debate an empty chair.

Chairman.vs.Empty Chair: there’s a reason it never gets old

Now are you beginning to understand what “above my pay grade” means? Apparently “Amateur” was more than just a good title for a book.

Some people expected the debate to be Harvard Law School vs. Harvard Business School. Unfortunately it turned out to be more like Harvard Business School vs. Community (organizer) College.

Real life is often just like school: the student who spends his days daydreaming instead of studying and preparing tends to flunk (or at least only get a B+) while the smart kid aces the test.

“I don’t see why we can’t just move this dam 1500 yards to the left.”

Let’s just say that last night was, in a word, extraordinary. Okay, two words: extraordinary and unexpected.

Even BO’s biggest fans expressed some concern over their boy’s (is that racist?) performance:

Yeah Andy, we know how much you and the rest of the “high info” State-run media “love the guy”

And TOTUS even got a shout-out!

Finally, late into the night, Twitter just completely shut down due to an outbreak of mass depression.

And poor Chrissy, over at Ms.NBC; he’s going to have to double up on his manic depressive drug of choice (if his liver can withstand it). No longer tingling; now he’s just tinkling – giving a brand new meaning to “trickledown government”

Since all of Big Guy’s plans to fundamentally transform America rely on people’s economic illiteracy, the irony of last night’s debate is that the Transformer-in-Chief showed himself to be the most economically illiterate person in the room. (That IS a TRANSFORMATION!)

If there’s still any doubt in your mind as to how BO did last night, look no further than the faces in the audience of his two chief “advisors”:

Mamma I and Big Mamma don’t look too happy with their boy’s performance

Part of the problem last night might have been that Big Guy was a bit distracted since it was his and Lady M’s 20th wedding anniversary (!) and they usually celebrate with a big date night.

Yeah, happy effing anniversary to you too!

If there’s a lesson to be had from last night’s debate debacle it’s this: never send an amateur to do a professional job.

Number 1 amateur mistake: believing your own press clippings.

And remember: past performance is no guarantee of future results.

Linked By: Doug Ross, and  Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and DeniseVB on The Crawdad Hole, and kaewa koyanga on facebook, and  BlogsLucianneLoves, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, Thanks!

MOTUS' Handy Debate-1 Show Prep Guide

Just a quick reminder, as noted by PatAZ and Texas Chick, live blogging the debate can be found at Jim Teacher, Weasel Zippers and probably at Ace of Spades HQ and other sites:

So, load up the tea trolley, make some popcorn and kick back with yer computer, tablet or smartphone and enjoy the show. And if you want to have really big fun, you can play (thanks to Full-Metal Spanx) Barack’s Bullshit Bingo! Report your “BINGO” right here for a chance at a fabulous and valuable prize!

Print out the board and get your marker ready!

CAUTION: My Legal Department requires me to advise that Bingo Markers should only be used on a Game Board printed on paper or card stock, and not on the screen of your monitor, laptop, tablet, smartphone or TeeVee.

CAUTION 2: My Legal Department requires me to advise that consuming beverages from a “tea trolley” stocked with adult beverages can cause unexpected, angry reactions to the sound of Barack Obama’s voice. Please use caution and keep objects which could damage your TeeVee if thrown at least 50 feet away from the viewing area.

TOTUS’ Tips for successful debate strategy

Big Guy has been holed up in VEGAS, BABY! ® preparing for his first unscripted campaign appearance. Everybody around the Big White is taking bets as to which Big Guy will show up.

Will it be “Black Jack” Bo?

America is one big casino! And you’re not getting your cut! ‘Cuz you’re black!

Casino Royale BO?

All of the James Bond swagger, none of the fire power

Or possibly it will be old Poker-face BO:

OK, I’ll see your $4 trillion and raise you another $16 trillion

So far, he’s been doing everything the handlers have told him:

Yeah, yeah. I’m in my room, studying,…as if I have to effing study this crap.

And I think everything will be fine as long as he doesn’t let them see him sweat. We all know how badly that turned out.

Now, while I try to calm Lady M down (she gets so nervous before the debates you know – which explains the little-eye, and the scowly face) and get us ready to fly to Vegas,

          

I have a special October Surprise for you:  a special guest post by my BEBF (Best Electronic Buddy Forever) and Big White colleague, TOTUS! He’s going to share a few behind the scenes glimpses at the debate prep with Big Guy’s team so far. Take it away TOTUS:

Thank you MOTUS. Wow, it’s really cool to be blogging again after such a long hiatus. If you friended me on Facebook, you know that I last posted a year ago during my captivity. Now that was an “October Surprise” I’d like to forget. I was eventually released, but my kidnappers were not apprehended and remain at large so I’m not really comfortable out in public anymore.

We were never completely convinced that it wasn’t just a Republican dirty trick either. Big Guy hired a bunch of Stockholm Syndrome shrinks to provide me with counseling, and everything’s been fine since they finally left. Butt this isn’t really about me.

You may remember that I abandoned my original blog after Rhambo unleashed a herd of spambots on it and since then, I’ve tried to fly under the radar of the Chicago Mob. When I do surface I come over here because, thanks to Raj’s firewall, Chicago isn’t on to MOTUS yet. So I want to thank MOTUS for her fearlessness (and excellent technical support) which affords me this opportunity to once enter the world of commentary. All the campaign scrolling and debate prep get’s really tedious. Just ask Big Guy.

effing right, TOTUS

Just so you know, we got the old band back together to prep Big Guy for the debate of the century.

Boyz in the Band

Axe-man, Rhambo, Gibbsy and me have been busy as bees in an August clover field (h/t Dan Rather) getting Big Guy’s debate answers locked and loaded. And I’ve been practicing his responses with him whenever he’s not busy on TeeVee or raising money so he can go on TeeVee more often.

I know I’m not supposed to tell anybody, especially any Republicans or Republican sympathizers, but I think I can trust everybody here on MOTUS’ blog not to spill the beans, so I’m going to let you in on a few of our top secret debate strategies. First, and this will really come as a surprise to everybody, Big Guy plans to blame all his failures on somebody else and say the mess Bush left in his lap was way worse than he thought. Even worse than the mess Jimmy Carter left in Ronnie’s lap. So obviously he couldn’t  fix everything in just 4 years (nor, as Bubba pointed out, could he, or anybody else. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, butt he’s no longer around.). Butt - if you just give him 4 more years, “YES HE CAN!”

“Fundamenally transform America!”

We’ve made sure that our lapdog moderators have gotten our first “official list” of pre-approved debate questions from Chicago, and  I’ve loaded all the words for Big Guy to respond appropriately to each one; in debate practice. I’m not allowed to actually coach him during the actual debate (wink, wink).

Since our first debate focuses on domestic issues, Big Guy will blame Bush and the “Do Nothing” Congress, and Mitt for what he either did or did not do when he was a Bain Capital Vampire. Not that I play both sides of the aisle, butt if I did, this is what I would suggest scrolling for Mitt. And I’d  roll with this response no matter what the question was:

“When I left Bain Capital in 2001, 6.8 million Americans were unemployed, the unemployment rate was 4.7% and the civilian labor participation rate was 66.8%.

Today, after nearly 4 years of President Obama’s incompetent, failed policies, more than 13 million Americans are unemployed and, even though we “disappeared” nearly 8 million people from the workforce, the unemployment rate is 8.1%. President Obama has driven the civilian labor participation rate down from 66% when he took office to 63.5%, the lowest labor participation rate since Jimmy Carter’s 63.2% in 1978.”

Then I would have him wrap-up his mantra with this question:

“Are you better off today than you were 12 years ago when I was still at Bain Capital?”

In the event Mitt gets a question without “Bain Capital” in it, I’d scroll this alternate response:

“When Barack Obama was sworn into office, 8.9 million Americans were unemployed and the unemployment rate was 5.8%. The civilian labor participation rate was 66%. Four years of President Obama’s incompetent, failed policies have added more than 4 million Americans to the unemployment roles, and, even though he “disappeared” nearly 8 million people from the workforce, the unemployment rate is 8.1%. President Obama has driven the civilian labor participation rate down from 66% when he took office to 63.5%, the lowest labor participation rate since Jimmy Carter’s 63.2% in 1978.”

In both cases, I’d finish big with:

“Not only did he not get the job done in 3 years, as he promised. He made it worse. Next month, join me in making him a “one term proposition.””

Next time, I’ll go over our failed international policy excuses and who we will blame them on, and I’ll have some additional ideas for how I would advise Mitt – if I was a switch hitter. Which I’m not. Please enjoy tonight’s show and wave if you see me. I’ll be trying to stay “off camera” and I think our lapdogs will help me with that.

Thank you MOTUS, for this opportunity to get on the other side of the scroll for a little while. Hopefully I can come back again soon!

Debating: Hey! It ain’t rocket science!

Linked By: Clarice on JustOneMinute, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, Thanks!

“Hello, you’ve reached the White House. I’m not home right now. But I’m voting for Obama”

What’s all this about secret meetings in the Big White regarding a resurgence of al Qaeda in Africa?

The White House has held a series of secret meetings in recent months to examine the threat posed by al-Qaeda’s franchise in North Africa and consider for the first time whether to prepare for unilateral strikes, U.S. officials said.

I suppose all the smarty pants out there are going to cite this as proof that Big Guy knew that the attacks on the Egyptian and Libyan embassies were about something other than bad movie reviews.

Well, just hold onto that Obama-phone of yours and wait awhile.

If you think this proves anything, you’re sure not paying attention. We seldom take phone calls even when we’re home. And we never take meetings to discuss icky stuff. That’s right, you can’t pin this one on Big Guy.

I’ve got proof that,even if there were meetings, Big Guy didn’t know anything about the disturbances at our embassies being al Qaeda terrorist activity. It’s already been well established that he’s been too busy governing to make time to attend daily intelligence briefings (and let’s face it: since he knows more than anybody, anyway, he should be giving the briefings, not attending them). Seriously, where do you think the “empty chair” motif came from anyway?

Bo, attending his daily intelligence briefing

Oh sure, there’s been some “noise” floating around about Bin Laden being dead and al Qaeda being alive:

I’m told that the talk in the Libyan underground is about a “global intifada,” like what the new al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri has been preaching for the past five years. But ask U.S. officials about that subject, and you get a “no comment.”

Butt as is our fashion, this has been recast in “Minitru” (newspeak for Ministry of Truth) as a “bump in the road”

Man-Caused bump in the road; probably by an IED

In case you’re not familiar with the concept of Minitru here are a few examples that I think will clear up your confusion: in Minitru, reality is recast such that “the economy is turning around,” and “going in the right direction,” the Christmas Bomber was an “isolated terrorist” the Fort Hood Allah Akbar shooter was a case of  “workplace violence,” the Times Square Bomber a “one-off,” and the Muslim Brotherhood is a “moderate, mostly secular” organization.

(for the record, to all of the above earned 4 Pinocchios)

So, let me see if I’ve got this straight: we’re completely onboard with the Muslim Brotherhood…butt Mormons? Not so much (see our “how could you possibly support a ‘Mormon?’” campaign) OK. I’ve got it.

Meanwhile, back to the economy. I see our plans to get it jump-started by raising the price of of gasoline again is falling into place.

I know Big Guy is an underdog in the upcoming debates because he’s been so busy governing he hasn’t had time to brush up his sparkling debate skills. And just because you’re the smartest guy in the room doesn’t guarantee that the debate moderators are going to toss you all softballs. For that, we’ll have to rely on the creases in Big Guy’s pants.

h/t Ramirez

Anyway, even if BO sucks at the debate, he’s still so far out front in the polls – especially in battleground state Ohio – probably because he’s made 13 trips so far this year - that we’re confident of a big win come November.

So keep those cards, letters, emails, checks and robopoll responses rolling in! We love them. Especially the checks and the robopolls. And remember, even if you’re not home, you can still get in on the polling! Just be sure to turn your answering machine on: because apparently an unanswered phone is every bit as good as an empty chair.

An empty chair at Benghazigate

 

Notice: My legal department requires that I disclose that this is not an actual recording of a robocall poll, butt rather a composite simulation of robocall polls reported in swing states around the country.

Okay then, Mr. At-the-sound-of-the-beep, I’ll put you down as voting for Obama. And while I’ve got you, is your dog home too?

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and Fausta in Hot Air’s Green Room, and BadBlue, and simpattyco on Pinterest, and Clarice on JustOneMinute, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, Thanks!