Blackie O? Oh No!

As you know, due to my experience covering celebritees

Big White Celebritees

I’m covering the celebritee beat at the Sundance Festival this week. Butt honestly, there haven’t been many big stars in town yet, so I’m going to do a roundup of celebritees in the news instead:

First, Joan Rivers ditched a joke about Lady M? Because her handlers thought it might be deemed racist? No!

Comedienne Joan Rivers revealed she once ditched a joke about First Lady Michelle Obama from her stand-up routine - because she feared she'd be accused of racism.

Recalling the wisecrack to shock Jock Howard Stern, the comedy legend said: "We used to have Jackie O now we have Blackie O!"

Boy, I thought the old gal was made of tougher stuff than that.

And here I thought we lived in a post-racial world. Apparently not, since even Mark Twain is getting censored these days.

I can see how the people who believe that “words mean something” (butt only  after they’ve determined what it is they mean) might be offended by the “Blackie-O” comment. To them it would appear to be racist, not a funny compliment, as Joanie said, comparing Lady M to another world famous fashion icon. They’re always on the lookout for racist content.

I’ll tell you a little secret about those people who want to be able to define what words mean for you: they always see race first. I don’t know why that is, butt everything begins there for them. It’s a kind of reductionism practiced by intellectuals.

This same type of reductionism leads the elites amongst us to conclude that “heated rhetoric” and “rancorous discourse” is responsible for all of the violence in society. Not drug crazed psycho whack-jobs, or evil people. It just makes explaining why bad things happen to good people a little easier. And we’re all about easier.

So, as long as we’re still a country of racist haters, nobody can make jokes with the word “blackie” in it. Not even an old Jewish, leftist comedienne.

Next up: Olby’s out!!!? Can you believe it? The new COMCAST-Ms.NBC just summarily fired Keith Olbermann!!!

Neither MSNBC President Phil Griffin, Olbermann nor his manager responded to requests to explain an exit so abrupt that Olbermann's face was still being featured on an MSNBC promotional ad 30 minutes after he had said goodbye.

Well, I guess we know who our new Press Secretary is going to be.

Perfect!

And on the home front, many celebritees have given Rahmbo sacks of gold in order to win his bid for mayor of Chicago. That should tell you just  how important it is to ensure that we “get out the vote” in Chicago for Big Guy in the 2012 election.

Celebritees for Rahmbo: I’m beginning to think the Donald just wants something from Big Guy in order to pull his name out of the hat.

Because nothing spells success in politics quite like money. The more you have, the more you can buy. Votes, that is.

Here’s my only interesting Sundance sighting so far: Liv Tyler. She’s an actress most famous for being Steven Tyler’s daughter.

Liv, one of the many PIBs at Sundance

- who in turn is most famous for being the new American Idol judge:

Moral of the story, besides “you’re only as good as your last act”: cosmetic surgery is your friend.

along with makeup and Photoshop. Believe me, I’ve seen some of these celebritees without their makeup. It’s a nightmare.

 Robert Redford, on the street in PC, in his celebri-tee

Step Away From the Doritos, Fatty!

Mmmm, mmm, mmm!

Michelle Obama Teams with Wal-mart for Healthier Food!

This is a little surprising, considering that back when Big Guy was running for president (I guess technically he still is),

He declared that there was a "moral responsibility to stand up and fight" the company and "force them to examine their own corporate values".

I guess he sent Lady M to re-examine those values for them.

All of Lady M’s lemons

And now, look! Walmart has vowed to swear off trans-fats, salt and sugar:

The plan, similar to efforts by other companies and to public health initiatives by New York City, sets specific targets for lowering sodium, trans fats and added sugars in a broad array of foods — including rice, soups, canned beans, salad dressings and snacks like potato chips — packaged under the company’s house brand, Great Value.

Are these delicious Walmart cakes going to be history?

Butt, the real impact lies with Walmart’s huge market power which it can use to force its suppliers to comply with the terms of Lady M’s No Fat Kids Behinds pogrom.

Wal-Mart and White House officials said the company was also pledging to press its major food suppliers, like Kraft, to follow its example. Wal-Mart does not disclose how much of its sales come from its house brand. But Kraft says about 16 percent of its global sales are through Wal-Mart. 

See how that works? No? Maybe this will help:

“But Wal-Mart is in a position almost like the Food and Drug Administration. I think it really pushes the food industry in the right direction.”

This may not as be good as it sounds. Lady M’s chef and chief nutritional advisor, Sammy Kass even questioned the long term impact:

We’re aligning ourselves with people who are stepping up as leaders to take this country to a healthier place…The only question that we have is do we think this is a significant step in that direction, and do we think there is a method in place to track progress, and do we think this will have the impact we are pushing for.

Here’s a hint: if you have to ask the question, the answer is no. Because, uh, Sammy,  you’re the guys who are so darned interested. Shouldn’t you be the ones doing the implementing and tracking? And so far, the only implementing on the drawing board is that for a new bureaucracy to handle all that tracking.

Overall, Lady M’s Pogrom has been met with enthusiastic support (of course – who’s opposed to cheap apples? Besides apple farmers?) There was just this one little slip:

 Unfortunate product placement: Let’s Move Walmart – right out of town!

Especially when taken in the context of SondraK’s report. Apparently they don’t want any Walmarts in Washington D.C.:

Am I mistaken? Is that a – cross hair!? With a smiley face? What is this – a kinder, gentler way to incite people to violence? Maybe we should have Bruno and Ricky look into it.

 Step away from those Doritos, fatty!

Getting Ready to Sundance: 2011

 Official 2011 Sundance Banner. Looks like we had some budget constraints in the PR department this year.

Hello. This is MOTUS, your cub-entertainment reporter here at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City Utah. As many of you know, I try to come every year to screen some of the most important independent films being made in the world today, and to tap into the epicenter of the “I hate America” zeitgeist (am I still allowed to use that term?).

If you’re planning on coming too, there are 3 things you need to know if you haven’t Sundanced before.

First, there are no “movies” at Sundance, only “films.” And while it’s spelled “films” it is pronounced “fill-ums” I don’t know why; other than it sounds vaguely European, and we always feel somehow inferior in the presence of all the “sophisticated” European visitors. But “chips” would probably be more accurate since no one uses fil-um any more.

Second, dress code. For women that means daywear and eveningwear. Ladies, for those late-into-the-midnight-hour parties, anything slutty will do. The more bling the better. For the guys, evening wear is basically the same as your day wear: skinny jeans and any old shirt will do. Ties are optional for the parties, but a nice scarf will work if you wish to be noticed - and who doesn’t?

  Chris Byrne, showing his support for the PLO, Diane Bell, Lyn and Lauren McKeany. Opening Night party, 2010

(Side note for the L members of the GLBT alliance: you can skip the bling and slutty clothes if you’d like.)

Daytime wear is simple and applies to everyone, GLBT and S(traight): anything black will do, that’s why you’re called  “PIBs”  (people in black).

Footwear is very important, as it’s usually snowy and slippery and many of the PIBs are frequently drunk. Uggs and Moonboots are recommended because they’re warm and practical. Which is why most PIBs won’t wear them. So if you must, wear your expensive high-heeled snake skin boots that you bought specially for the festival. There’s a new hospital in Park City, so you won’t have to travel all the way down the mountain into Salt Lake should you fall and bust your keister. Second best footwear selections would include the perennial faves: flip-flops, sandals and open-toed spike heels. That way everyone knows you just got in from LA.

Just a few words on accessorizing: Facial hair, tats and piercings are de rigueur, butt you knew that. Sunglasses are NOT optional, even if there’s a blizzard – not only will you look cool, butt they’ll keep the snow out of your eyes. Ski goggles are dorky, leave them home.

Cell phones, if you must, but smart phones are recommended. Not only will you look 4G, but you’re going to be spending a lot of time in line. You can watch clips, trailers or whole movies, read reviews or tell all your Twitter friends that you’re outside, in 15 degree temperatures with a wind chill of –10 standing in line along with 500 other morons. Or, if you’re one of the handful of film distributor representatives who actually buy film rights, you can use your iPhone or Droid to contact your bag man. They don’t take American Express.

 PIBs in line

Also, be sure to get your credentials. If you couldn’t afford any of the $2500 screening passes, you can still get the creds, minus any actual film tickets, for a much more reasonable $200. This will get you into a number of exciting venues such as forums where real people involved in the making of real movies discuss what it’s like and even answer questions from the audience! Kind of like film school, only cheaper. And they serve drinks. Just remember: it’s an honor to even be in the same room with these people.

Third item you need to know about Sundance: all the films are independent; Indies, to those in the know. To qualify as an Indie, you can get no more than half your financing from one of the large Movie Studios that are known for turning out unimportant films that people actually pay to see, as opposed to important films that hardly anyone watches, even when they go directly to cable. Don’t worry too much about the 50% cap though, because just like campaign financing, no one really checks.

But speaking of politics, this would be a good time to clear up any confusion regarding the use of the term “independent.”  Here at Sundance, it has absolutely nothing to do with political affiliation since everyone here is a left-wing progressive, with the exception of the anarchists. And they mostly hang out at the Slamdance Film Festival that runs concurrently, butt is a little bit edgier.

Other tips to help you enjoy the entire Sundance experience:

Park City sits at 7000 feet so you’re going to want to stay hydrated to avoid altitude sickness. And by “hydrated” I don’t mean Grey Goose.

“Downtown” Park City is basically Main Street. This is where you want to come to see and be seen. It runs up and down on a steep incline.

 Main Street, Park City before the infestation 

So if you ignored my advice about staying properly hydrated, you’re going to want to hop on the trolley and ride to the top of Main Street and saunter downhill behind your sunglasses, trying to look hip and nonchalant – like a member of “the industry.” Be sure to keep a sharp eye out for VIP’s arriving in their Hummer limos (that they normally wouldn’t dream of polluting the earth with) to attend a very important private party that you will not be invited to.

Paris in pink last year, getting into her limo

If you make it to the base of Main Street without having spotted and photographed any very important and/or beautiful people, simply repeat the process until you achieve the desired results. You have to look closely, because not all celebrities look like themselves when they attend very important film festivals.

For example, Robert Duval, seen last year, seems to be toting a large black leather diaper bag.

When you grow tired of trolley riding and still have time to kill before your next “screening” go grab a drink, which will contain very small portions of alcohol – we are in Utah after all - at very large prices.

I’ll be filing my first cub-entertainment reporter reviews of this year’s movies on Friday after tonight’s premier screenings. As always, there are literally dozens of films to choose from in four major categories:

• U.S. Documentary: propaganda films made by people who hate America. Based on actual events.
• World Cinema Documentary : propaganda films made by foreigners who hate America. Based on actual events. 
• U.S. Dramatic: propaganda films made by people who hate America. Based on fiction. 
• World Cinema Dramatic: propaganda films made by foreigners who hate America. Based on fiction. 

I don’t know about you, butt I can’t wait to Sundance!

    

Oh, and don’t worry, I can still refract Lady M’s sacrifices for the American people remotely. I’ll file my report on her huge announcement today about teaming up with Walmart to save the world from oversized bags of Cheetos later. Trust me, it’s really not that big of a deal.

I’ve got to run now, my fil-um starts at 9:00 pm and I’ve got to go stand in line for 2 hours.

 That’s me! Posing at a Sundance kiosk last year. Paris Hilton copycatted my hat.

What’s Black and White and Red All Over?

UPDATE – SEE PIC AT END OF POST

I think we can all agree that last night was a huge success.

We had a fabulous dinner, fabulous fashions, and fabulous guests:

   

Anna, Barbra, Vera and one of the many other Michelles (note: no red here)

And Jackie Chan!!! Just like I promised.

Also, ex-Governor  Jon Huntsman (and current ambassador to China) was there:

He’s the man the New York Times has decided the Republicans should run for president in 2012, because he’s a good moderate capable of being bipartisan (i.e. vote our way). And don’t discount the NYT’s recommendations; their track record is pretty good.

China has already declared that not only the dinner, but the entire mission, was a huge success:

China is calling President Hu Jintao’s talks with President Barack Obama successful, and says the two leaders reached "important consensus” on a wide range of issues…

He said the two sides reached "important consensus" on many issues, including military relations, North Korea, Iran, Sudan, space, technology and high-level exchanges. He did not go into detail on the issues.

Of course the “important consensus” is the same kind we reached regarding global warming – anyone who doesn’t agree is ignored (or in China’s case, imprisoned). Of course we haven’t yet reached “important consensus” on some of the thornier issues such as human rights and currency valuation.

Butt that’s how things work in The People’s Republic of China: they announce the results they want and then act as if it were so. You can do that if you don’t have to worry about the opinions of the pesky plebeians and are ruled by their betters.

And speaking of Red Queens, I thought you might get a kick out of this. Lady M was not our first FLOTUS to wear red for a State dinner:

The Clintons,the last time we were on good terms with Columbia

The Bush’s, the last time we were on good terms with Mexico

And while pink, that’s still technically a hue of red:

 The Kennedy’s, the last time we were on good terms with Iran

Hmmmm. I wonder what that means?

UPDATE - THIS IS THE PIC I WAS LOOKING FOR:

From Drudge:

Black and White and Red all over

  Black and green

Red Queen in McQueen

UPDATE: I’m sorry

UPDATE II: Babushka explained

UPDATE III: Earrings and designers

I got here just in time. I don’t think this reflects so badly: no bulgy falsies, no dangling participles, no high compression overruns. I’m rather happy. And incredibly relieved. I’m even giving Lady M a pass on the red.

So - which one of you MOLs or MODs had Alexander McQueen in Red China red with no embarrassing flesh showing? 

There might be prizes.

Got to run to grab some more incoming.

Update:

OK, I might have gotten a little carried away. While I was looking for Jackie Chan (I’m a big fan) someone snuck around behind the zone of blindness and caught the backside.

Oh dear. The dreadful spillovers.

And I have no idea what’s up with the babushka. At least it isn’t  a Japanese State dinner. We might have ended up with one of these bustles:

All I can say is I’m sorry.

Update II

It’s getting worse by the minute:]

 

I’m thinking it’s from the 2011 resort collection:

And look! The original does have a Japanese snack sak! That explains the babushka.

UPDATE III

 

Yowza! These earrings could go a long way towards paying down the national debt. And Suzette: is there any cure for the ‘little eye’?

BTW: Anna Wintour is at the dinner, as is Vera Wang . This could be awkward.

And thanks Anonymouse, That’s Sarah Burton! Head designer at Alexander’s since his death?!! Here’s what she looked like the last time I saw her:

Then

and now.

The stress of Lady M’s commission sure did take it’s toll.

I have to run for awhile - I need to recharge my batteries. Literally. I hope there aren’t any incidents while I’m gone.

Linked By: Gateway Pundit

Our Chinese Banquet

Let’s get the menu out of the way, so I can focus on the frock later.

In a huge disappointment, we’ll have no celebrity chef after all: No Ming Tsi, no Morimoto, no Martin Yan. Although I understand that at least Jackie Chan is still attending the dinner.

Chef Comfy is doing this on her own. And we’re going straight American. Not because that’s what Lady M wanted, butt that’s what the Chinese delegation requested.

So we’ll do our best.

All ingredients will be locally sourced (from somewhere) and will create  a  "quintessentially American" menu, with a focus on "affordability, sustainability, health, and delicious foods"...

State Dinner Menu In Honor of President Hu Jintao

First
D'Anjou Pear with Farmstead Goat Cheese
Fennel, Black Walnuts, and White Balsamic

Second
Poached Maine Lobster
Orange Glaze Carrots and Black Trumpet Mushrooms
Wine: DuMol Chardonnay "Russian River" 2008 (California)

Palate cleanser
Lemon Sorbet

Main
Dry Aged Rib Eye with Buttermilk Crisp Onions
Double Stuffed Potatoes and Creamed Spinach
Wine: Quilceda Creek Cabernet "Columbia Valley" 2005 (Washington State)

Dessert
Old Fashioned Apple Pie
with Vanilla Ice Cream
Wine: Poet's Leap Riesling "Botrytis" 2008 (Washington State)

I’m sure many of our unemployed citizens will be glad to hear that this dinner is affordable.

Oh dear lord! I’ve got to go. I just saw what Lady M intends to wear.

Later.

Parasites, Two Ways

Boy, everyone around here is a little bristly today. Probably because we’re hosting the big State dinner tonight for President Hu Jintao, and the Chinese lanterns haven’t arrived yet.

Big Guy, head of the Peoples Republic of Amerika, had a private dinner last night with the head of the People’s Republic of China in one of our Big White dining rooms.

I don’t think dinner in the “yellow” dining room was necessary

After dinner he agreed to sign a nuclear safety pact with the Peoples Republic of China:

an agreement between the U.S. and the People’s Republic of China to establish a “Center of Excellence” in China to promote effective nuclear security and safeguards.

a “Center of Excellence?” In China - the People’s Republic of China? To “promote effective nuclear security and safeguards?”

Don’t you think we should have thought of that before we either gave or sold them all of our nuclear secrets? 

Butt on a positive note, maybe this means we can start building nuclear power plants in the U.S. again! Since Big Guy has banned the drilling of oil in the Gulf, the drilling of natural gas in the West, would like to ban the burning of dirty coal everywhere and Al Gore says corn really doesn’t make very good ethanol after all - we’re running out of options.

Meanwhile, back to the Chinese New Years party: everyone’s buzzing around here getting ready. Lady M and Chef Comfy have been working on the menu for months, butt as of this morning the only thing for sure are the eggrolls and fortune cookies.

And I can’t reveal who our celebrity guest chef is going to be tonight either. (Butt don’t forget: we have ties to the Food Network, so almost-Iron Chef Ming Tsai is a good guess, especially since our other PBS guy isn’t available)

Semi-Iron Chef Ming Tsai

We considered real Iron Chef Morimoto, butt his demeanor doesn’t really meet our new civility standards:

A little too “Samurai Warrior” for the kinder, gentler Big White cuisine. Besides, we think Big Guy got his parasites from Morimoto’s hamachi tartare

Big Guy’s having a working lunch with Hu and a group of business leaders from China and America. Hu hasn’t told us who he’s bringing butt the American delegation includes Steve Ballmer of Microsoft, Lloyd Blankfein of Goldman Sachs, and Jeff Immelt of General Electric, as they were the highest bidders.

Topics to be discussed include human rights in China, improved trade, the value of Chinese currency, and the primacy of the U.S. dollar.

The menu may not matter much after that, as everyone’s going to be dyspeptic after that.

Birthday Service at The Source

We kicked off a very, very busy week with our newly minted Martin Luther King National Day of Service (not to be confused with our National Day of Service, observed on 9/11, which serves a completely different purpose). In order to do our part, the whole family headed over to a local school cafeteria to paint cartoon fruits and vegetables.

What better way to observe very special occasions like the 25th anniversary of MLK Day than to follow the Wons’ example and paint propaganda cute little fruits and vegetables on a column in a local school cafeteria to promote better nutrition? Dr. King would be so proud: taking his dream of justice and equality to the wall.

Vincent Van O paints a healthy, hungry-free apple on the wall

You may recall that Big Guy talked about service just last week at the big memorial for the victims of the Arizona tragedy. So you know it’s very much on his mind.

Perhaps the Greater D.C. Cares Mentoring Matters Initiative  - they organized the Wons’ “mentoring” visit yesterday – should draft a proposal for a  “Greater America Cares Mentoring Matters Initiative” program. That way young people, not suited for Big Guy’s National Security Force, could join an equally important organization in order to fulfill their national service.

Because there are still thousands of school cafeteria columns waiting to be painted with helpful reminders of what kind of food the government thinks you should eat.

And a blank wall is a terrible thing to waste.

Hey look! A red pepper flexing its toned arm muscles.

Butt she forgot to wear her red shirt.

  As did Big Guy;I guess we’re still a little sensitive about T-shirts

This is all a build up to the HUGE announcement coming on Thursday when Lady M unveils a new initiative "impacting food formulation, availability and affordability." Wow! I’ve got goose bumps.

Butt, when we were done with all that, Big Guy and the birthday girl went to dinner at Wolfgang Puck’s tony pan-Asian restaurant, The Source.

Thank goodness; the bar seems to be well stocked

Pan-Asian?  Am I wrong? I thought Wolfie was German. Or Austrian (they speak Austrian, right?) – or something a little more Teutonic and a little less Asian. Not that it matters.

Anyway, I don’t know everything they had to eat at the Source, butt I do know what they didn’t have: fruits and vegetables. Unless you count the 15 layer carrot cake.

Other delicious little birthday treats we enjoyed: crispy suckling pig

and Kobe sliders, of course, because

 

it really wouldn’t be a birthday without them, now would it?

 

 

I know you want to see what Lady M wore to dinner with those boots  under that coat:

Can you believe we’re 47!!!! It’s like the new 17.

Sorry, no pics allowed. All I can tell you is that it was short.