Thursday, December 31, 2009

Dick Cheney and Pollsters: New Enemies Within

It’s so reassuring to know that the Big White is on duty even while we relax and recharge our seriously depleted green-certified batteries.

Almost immediately upon hearing Dick Cheney’s mean-spirited comments about Big Guy taking 4 days to mount a robust response to the air-terror panty bomber, the Big White fires back with their own rapid response.

So as you can see, we’ve clearly got our targets in site, and are quite capable of attacking immediately if necessary. Note the title of the BW blog: The Same Old Washington Blame Game. Don’t you love David’s sense of irony? I swear if the Axman hadn’t gotten into politics, he could have been huge in tinsel town. I mean really  - accusing Dick Cheney of not being tough enough on al Queda – how deliciously ironic is that?!

The truth however is that this is just a new chew toy for the MSM, so they don’t have to talk about Lady M’s falling poll numbers and her embarrassing 4th place finish in the new poll of most admired women in America. Even more humiliating than the 4th place designation is who she was beaten by:

Hillary! That blonde  b--ch!

image4718312l232x288 232x326 

Sarah! That smiley b—ch who shot Bullwinkle!

232x290 sarah opreysarahp     

And the lowest blow of all: Oprah! Girlfriend, how could you do this to me! You b---h!palin oprah2

This is a very bad way to head into a new year. We’re reviewing how these disastrous results could have possibly happened:

mo mean1 mo mean cat woman medal of honor Jared Monti_thumb[6]

Apparently we’ll be holding strategy meetings all next week to figure out how to counter this terrorist attack. It looks like a sure bet we’ll be beefing up our public relations staff, since we don’t seem to be getting our message out.


We’ll also be getting some of our stimulus money to ACORN so they can get the vote out. Will we reclaim the number one slot next year from these pretenders? You betcha!

Happy New Year’s Eve everyone. And remember: Let’s be careful out there!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Half Shoeless, and Totally Clueless

Oh my. Here we go again with the weird footwear. It all started during our summer vacation on Martha’s Vineyard (pricey island holidays are quickly becoming a hallmark of our reign presidency). We stopped the presses with our first pair of Maison Martin Margiela’s upon our return. No one had ever seen such fashion forward footwear on the FLOTUS before. Lady M’s feet became an accessorized extension of her world famous gams.

So I don’t know if it’s Big Guy or Ikram who has a thing about naked toes. But geeze-Louise – these are not toes meant for public display, with or without the $400 pedicure. With all the kicking-holes-in-walls-with-feet days that we’ve been through, we’ve broken a toe or two (that was before we had poor little Bo – the dog, not Big Guy – to kick around). And as we all know, broken digits never heal up quite right again.


And of course, the infamous “six toe” conspiracy always comes up when Lady M bares half of her size 13’s. For the last time, people: she only has 5 toes on each foot. The squeezing into too-small shoes presents a situation even my trans-imaging powers cannot alleviate:

six toe sandels[4]

img-thing This is not a shoe designed for hammer toes or piggies that have been broken in previous airing of grievances sessions.












The famous $585 green Lanvin sneakers, perfect for slinging hash down at the homeless shelter.womens-green-lanvins


But we’re putting the best spin we can on a foot fetish that requires regular infusions of ugly shoes costing north of $500. Should it come up in a press briefing - and it probably won’t – we instructed Gibbsy to say that the latest un-shoe that Lady M’s sporting is actually  recession-fighting footwear. Like everyone else, MO’s “cutting back.” Brilliant, no? Toes came up with it. He’s an expert in both spin and foot fetishes.


Women - All - Giuseppe Zanotti Design Suede Buckle Boots_1262128091220

We’re going to need something a little more practical when we go back to D.C. I think this little number from Giuseppe Zanotti could make quite a statement. At a very reasonable $1243, they’re a good stimulus booster.




Women - All - Peachoo   Krejberg Leather Lace-Up Boots_1262128152051

On the other hand, these leather lace-up boots by Peachoo + Krejberg might set a better example of frugality, at  a blow out price of $913. Plus they have the added benefit of looking great with the new civilian para-military Obamacorps uniforms.


Oh yeah, about that dress? I was hoping you wouldn’t notice, with the shoes and all. What can I say? Mai Tai’s aren’t for everyone. One more example of how dangerous it is to drink and dress.


Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Flyer, Fryer Pants On Fire

One nice thing about Team Obama is that we are all about sharing the pain. So, while I missed most of the historic “Christmas luau” due to my special assignment, Big Guy’s sacrifice was even greater. He had to skip the back nine today so he could end his customary 48 hour silence following terrorist events that don’t involve white cops acting stupidly. He reassured American voters that the “knicker-bomber” (as Mark Steyn has dubbed him) got his “free pass” visa in June, 2008: that’s right, another problem inherited from GWB. This one never seems to get old.

image6030397g Knicker-bomber before “detonation

man-on-fire gypsy__man_shirt_fire_269x450

after detonation


Evidence gathered for the civilian criminal trial in Detroit

If you saw it, I’m sure you’d agree that Big Guy gave an extraordinary read: full of robust talk of immediate “orders” and “action” and continued “vigilance” because we “will not rest”. Then - to give the travel sector a little verbal stimulus, BO said “…we are doing everything in our power to keep you and your family safe and secure… ,” throwing in “…during this busy holiday season…” as a reminder to anyone who forgot that we are on VACATION here! I think that might have been a little gratuitous, since I already made that point by snatching his tie just before he went on camera. Nothing says vacation casual like suit coat and dress shirt, sans tie.

obama knicker-bomber read

BO finished strong, breaking his silence on another important international issue: the recent violence in Iran. Up till now he’s been reticent about even acknowledging the little gnat from Tehran, but today he agreed to include Iran in his read, without preconditions, because it makes the knicker bomber seem just a merry prankster by comparison.

But all this bad news, and Bruno lurking about on the lanai, has really put a damper on things. At least for me and Lady M. Big Guy, on the other hand, seems somehow energized by the whole scare. He hasn’t tweeted Bill Ayers this much since they had to figure out how to plausibly claim he was just another guy in the neighborhood. I guess he just wanted to get a domestic terrorist’s perspective on the incident.

Then Toes got BO going on Sunday. He said that the “flying Dutchman” saved our Team’s bacon, and that proves we need a well trained civilian para-military unit in every major city that has an airport - or a large conservative voter base. MO’s been busy selecting fabric, uniforms and Obamacorps patches. I don’t like the direction this is heading …


For now though, I have to turn my attention back to Lady M. I don’t know who told her this look would do for either beach wear or dinner. She seems to have reprised her Joie button front maternity top, and paired it stunningly with her Schwinn bicycle capris. I predict this is going to be a very good year for a pea in the pod. All of a sudden, those French terry cloth towels don’t look so bad.

obama hawaii4

Some think this picture of BO’s left foot turned to the right is a good sign. Me, I think he’s just pigeon toed.

UPDATE: Chickaboomer has a graphic description of the knicker-bomber’s antics. Singe. Cringe.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Is That A Bomb In Your Pants, Or Are You Just Happy To Be In America?

Boy, am I glad that assignment is over. I wasn’t sure I would be allowed to tell you about it, but Toes specifically said that all the stuff I can’t talk about has been redacted from my hard drive. I wonder if he knows about that backup security firewall Raj installed?  Anyway, it’s still all here so I’ll tell you.


It all started when Bruno rudely interrupted our Christmas night Luau, 3 hours after some jerk from Nigeria - who claims he’s some big time Al Qaeda jihadist - tried to blow up a plane landing in Detroit.

Big Guy, appropriately, I think, snapped “Why are you telling me this? Isn’t that your department?” To save face I think, Bruno responded that she needed Big Guy to approve deployment of some specialized support to assist in the investigation: ME!

What could I do to help Homeland Security you ask? Me too. It seems that this knucklehead got on a plane with some sort of a explosive material sewn into his underpants, and now Bruno has to develop new TSA screening procedures to prevent this exact same thing from happening again. And who is the resident undergarment expert on Team Obama? No, not Lady M. She just wears the Spanx. I’m the one who efforts the acquisition and proper installation.



I should have just kept my mouth shut and accepted the assignment. But I’d had a couple of Mai Tai’s (hey, I’m on vacation too!) so I offered an alternate solution that would eliminate the underwear screening that is bound to tick everyone else off: “How about you just don’t let Muslims from turd-world countries traveling to America on a one-way ticket, purchased with cash, without luggage, who are denied re-entry into the UK for suspicion of terrorist involvement, whose name is in an FBI terrorist database, whose father notified the U.S. embassy in Nigeria  that his son might do something like this, and was last seem pacing about in the airport grabbing his privates to say good bye – how about you just don’t let them get on the damn airplane!”

Bruno looked at Big Guy and smirked, and Big Guy said “uh…no. We can’t do that.”

They didn’t even give me time to reflect a few examples:


Here’s a “No”

captcab0a49c271a49f8a94692df60deec7diraq_female_suicide_bombers_bag501And a couple more,




 Even Bruno agreed that nobody would let these racist rednecks on a plane, with or without the explosives.parade


 I wouldn’t let this guy on either



So now I’m not allowed to have any more Mai Tai’s, and I wasted 5 hours out of my first vacation in  BO’s “official” birth state, on a TSA task force explaining the finer points of undergarments. From briefs to boxers, thongs to commando, we scrutinized every panty contingency.

Luckily, some of this may prove helpful in my day job. We used a recent shot of Lady M as an example of what should not require secondary inspections:


mo arrow   Mr Ed wonders: “does that keister make my butt look small


To the untrained eye, this might look like an un-natural panty line which could be caused by fireworks sewn into her panties. But it is actually a fashion-forward “slimming-seam” effect achieved by wearing our stretch pants inside-out.

Thankfully, Bruno felt there was no need to get into bras and bustiers. At least not until some cross-dressing jihadist gets past security wearing a Victoria’s Secret incendiary falsie wonder bra.

I’m sorry that I can’t go into detail about what is involved in the rest of Operation SkidMarks, but I hope you don’t have to fly until this blows over and we lower the “Man-Caused Disaster Alert Color Code” to something other than “Brown”.

So it’s back to work for this girl. Things got a little out of hand while I was on assignment. We’re wearing our towels …

mo in suit-2  mo in suit-1

But I probably don’t have to worry, by tomorrow everyone else will be too, and we can read on the blogs about how fashion-forward French terry cloth is.

Linked By: GotFreedom on White House Dossier, Thanks!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

When Snarks Attack: 3

Once again thanks, hugs and kisses to the millions of voters in the second–ever When Snarks Attack contest. Despite all of the holiday hubbub you all found time to vote for your favorite snark as often as you saw appropriate. Impressive.

And this Week’s Big Winner is - chiron for the comment on Happy Winter Holidays To Druids Everywhere. Congratulations! As with our previous winner, you may proudly display your “Golden FLOTUS” on your mantle, dashboard, website or anywhere else you choose.

And congratulations to all of my finalists from last week. As was the case last week, you are all winners in the progressive world. but here, in the real world, the final count shows another tuchus kicker. (Chiron: does that really signify the golden centaur, or does it stand for “Chicago Ron?” )


chiron “… the only thing with any balls …”


  1. @ 59%: chiron: ”the only thing with any balls”…

  2. @ 22%:  Annie Carmel: "...poop to pick up in Big White ...”

  3. @ 9%:  Cinderella: "...hawking non-stick cookware & skincream..."

  4. @ 7%:  Moright: "... Jimmy Carter...The Snuggie..."

  5. @ 3%: bettyann: "SELL MY HARLEY!!?...hell has not yet frozen over..."

Now here are the finalists in the “When Snarks Attack 3” contest for your thoughtful consideration and votes. Mrs. P’s snark-filled acceptance speech for winning “When Snarks Attack 1 would have been considered for inclusion as a finalist in this week’s contest, except for the fact that she violated the “pithy” requirement by about 1000 words.

Please note: WSA 3 will run for 2 weeks, closing on January 9th. Remember: Chiron  Chicago rules still apply. Just to keep it fair.


Nominees For The Week Of

December 20 - 26, 2009

(comments may be edited by moi)


1. AnnieCarmel: Hope-n-hagen: Change We Can Believe In

...maybe The Really Big Guy will take them all out and do a better job next time. Obviously something went awry in His evolutionary plan this time. He gave us some snakes in human form.

2. chiron: Happy Winter Holidays To Druids Everywhere

(This time pushing the envelope on “pithy” as well. But in the spirit of ecumenical political correctness, I’m letting it stand, un-edited)

Oy!! Hanukkah Schmonukkah! You don't toivel in kool-aid. Who vas the Mashgiach, Stevie Wonder? So...the chametz here is yo-yo's and Colt45? I'm farklempt. In da blue room no less. And dat Michelle...meshuginah! No balebosteh there. So tell her why don't you its mishigas to make Latkes from what? Tatter Tots and Collard Greens? Drek! And, Oy vay iz mir, Twinkies do not substitute for Challah. So ver vas da brisket at least? Nu gedempte fleisch? Just BBQ pork ribs and fried clams? I don't vant to kvetch but a poison could go hungry. And no Menorah? No, no, no, six glow sticks, two flashlights and a lava lamp taped together is just not vight. And the nebbish himself comes out vrom da office to play a shtick of a hava nagila on ringtone from da Blackberry followed by an Adhan. No really. I'm famisht. Maybe next year. At least the babkes in da toilets vas nice.Vas dat Lieberman polishing shoes?


3. bettyann: Silver belts, Silver Belts …

  I'm burning all my cardigans. Right now.

4. CricketGal: Digging Our Way To Prosperity

Looks like TheOne handles an ax just about the way he threw a baseball at the ballgame -- just like a girlyboy!
Look at that photo! He's in dress shoes, black socks and dress slacks, squatting down to chop down with the ax..... and he's wearing GLOVES! Like one or four dainty little chops would cause blisters on his pearly hands!


5. bettyann: It Runs In The Family

Say, is it just me, or does that ass belong on a linebacker? Watchout Rahmbo, for "Feats of Strength", my money's on the Wookie.

Ok, so cast your votes and make this the best start of a new year for one worthy nominee and ruin the year for all the others. Remember, this time your friends and enemies have two full weeks to vote!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Santa Baby On the Beach

I’m going to let you in on a little secret I just recently discovered: I think I have special powers that even NASA doesn’t know about! It all started the night before we left for Hawaii. There was a huge celebration back at the Big White that night. Big Guy’s Chicago mob came through for him, and he knew he had the Senate bill in the bag.There were many toasts to the “FDR of the 21st century!”  and “the first black Santa Claus”. When everyone finally left and I set my circuit board on “slumber,” I dreamed that wonderful dream about our Winter Solstice vacation that I shared with you earlier.

Now that we’re here, I believe I’ve discovered that I have the power to make my dreams come true! Please don’t tell anyone. If Rhambo ever finds out, well … let’s not even go there. Besides, I’m not even positive that I’m right about this.

But see what you think for yourself:  

santa bo-beach copyBig Guy in my dream

Obama Vacation Big Guy recharging his solar panels on the beach in Oahu

Let’s just say it’s a little more than coincidental. I am a little creeped out, but I’ve always been able to use my powers for good in the past – and as long as Rhambo doesn’t find out, I’ve no reason to believe that won’t continue in the future. But I think I’ll have Raj install a new backup security firewall  – just in case I’m right about this new power.

In other Solstice news: In order to extend a proper greeting to their native son (so-to-speak) and his family, the Hawaiians brought in the only mayor they could find who would make MO look slim and diminutive.

does he make my butt look smallHonolulu Mayor Mufi Hanneman greets Lady M 

Now that’s what I call island hospitality. And they don’t even have a 60 person protocol department.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas Blessings

Christmas greetings to you and yours from MOTUS (and Raj). Please click to zoom in on our card for a reminder of what has been sacrificed to ensure that we remain free to celebrate the day in the religious tradition (or not) of our choice.

Photo Mosaic by Flatsimile Studios

Fallen soldiers photos via Washington Post.

Mannheim Steamroller: Stille Nacht

Blessings to all of our troops and their families during this season of real hope. Drag to re-center and zoom into other areas.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Mele Kalik-Obama

Santa and his elves are hanging around D.C. just long enough this morning to vote on how much they’re going to charge for shipping and handling on this year’s free gifts.

Then we can all fly away for our Winter Solstice holidays! I can’t wait – I’ve never been to Big Guy’s alleged birth state. I have to remember to pack my UVA and UVB lenses.

I dreamed about our vacation all last night …

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

It Runs In the Family

Lady M and the girls went to Children’s Medical Center yesterday to READ to the kids, their parents and caregivers! Can you believe it? A whole family full of readers. They are truly blessed.


For their reads, MO chose “The Night Before Christmas”, while Sasha and Malia took turns reading from “Snowmen at Night”. Despite the word “Christmas” in the title of MO’s read, it has been approved by the Secularists Against Christmas group, as it is officially a 99.8% secular read.


“Look Mom! I can get my arms around the First Lady! I can be your belt, Mrs. O!”







Poor Bo. He still hasn’t learned how to read. But he’s doing much better in the “leaving presents” behind department.





I don’t as a rule comment on the girls at all, but I just can’t help pointing out how cute Malia looks in this mini-ME outfit: cuffs, layers, cardigans and multiple bangles on her wrist. But thank goodness she has the good sense to realize that she’s too young for those belts yet.



After her lively reading, she handed the floor over to Sasha and Malia who, alternating pages, read "Snowmen at Night" . .. At the mention of hot chocolate in the story, Malia interjected that the mom in chief makes a fine cup of cocoa. Then, Obama asked for a repeat of a particularly rousing sound effect as Malia read her part of the tale: Wha-hooo!

Can you do that again? asked her mom. Wha-hooo!

See? The kid is just a natural.




Bo has learned how to give high five’s (remember how adorable he was with the Oprah?). Next year we’re bringing in the dog whisperer to teach him how to do fist bumps, won’t that be irresistible on the campaign trail?

Got to get back to work now. I just found out I’ve been invited to go to Hawaii with the First Family for our Winter Solstice vacation! I’ll be on duty of course (there will be bathing suits, after all). I have a lot of packing to do, plus, we’ll be wrapping up our year-long airing of grievances later today around the Festivus Pole. I heard Rahm and Big Guy chuckling last night as they were setting it up. Something about having done a great job sticking it up. I guess they both really like the grievance thing.

I sure hope they don’t get into that “Feats of Strength” thing though. I think we all know how that will go. Because there’s only one member of the household that has both biceps and balls.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Digging Our Way to Prosperity

Might I recommend that those of you in the running for the 2nd Snark Attack of the Week Award – or anyone planning to vote - visit Mrs. P’s post at Patum and Peperium? After her gracious acceptance speech, she has also graciously acknowledged the not insignificant role of her second grade teacher in her achievement.

Mrs. P has truly raised the bar in the mini-genre of award acceptances. And that’s just refreshing, accustomed as we are to a culture ever inclined to keep moving the bar down - even if it requires digging a big hole.


Grand Canyon

The First Rule of Holes: When you find yourself in one, stop digging.profiles_Omamagarden_5704_127886_xlarge.jpeg PHO-09Jan21-159395