Saturday, April 23, 2011

Spring Roll Run-Through in 30 Seconds, with Peeps: Reprise

NOTE: THIS IS AN ENCORE PRESENTATION FROM LAST YEAR’S EASTER COLLECTION.

It was a big hit. And since we have welcomed many new members to MOTUS’ little nest since last Easter, and since I have many wooden eggs to paint with non-toxic eco-friendly paint for Monday’s Spring Sphere Roll, I thought I’d take this opportunity to reprise it for your Holy Saturday viewing.

 

It’s not until next Monday, but we started preparations for the annual Easter Egg Roll (can I still call it that, or is a Spring Roll now?) today.

peeps showPhoto from Wapo Peeps Show IV (#11)      HT Pundette

We had a little run-through with a bunch of the the staff’s kids. You remember how Lady M likes to greet little kids when they come to visit us at the Big White don’t you? Well, it looks like we’re going to have to work on her initial welcome before the actual Spring Roll. Lady M doesn’t want to scare the little children. Again.

Let’s just say the run through could have gone smoother. First of all, as you know, Lady M is just coming off her latest Botox treatment, and I guess some of the children didn’t recognize her. I don’t think it had anything to do with the boob belt. But you know how it is with kids - once one of them gets all hyper on you, the hysteria just spreads like chicken pox. The actual video was a little too ugly to use, in fact it’s been confiscated by the Secret Service. So I’ve staged a little re-enactment with Peeps to show you the sequence of events:

Warning: the kids are really LOUD. May need to turn volume down if you’re at work. Or if you have sensitive ears.

I’m sure we’ll have everything ironed out by Monday. Although I’m still not sure the wooden eggs in place of candy eggs are going to go over very well.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Happy Earth Day: Obama’s Got Wood for America

Stick with me here, and I’ll connect the dots for you.

Here’s the short version: the endangered Sumatran tigers,

Sumatran_tiger_1809_19141586_0_0_7010293_300(Panthera tigris sumatrae)

not to be confused with the endangered Siberian tiger, aka the Amur tiger,

siberian1_2ef5ef6141(Panthera tigris altaica),

or the endangered Bengal tiger,

bengal-tiger-3_z2s(Panthera tigris tigris), 

the endangered Indo-Chinese tiger

indochina_tiger(Panthera tigris corbetti),

or the endangered South China tiger;

south-china-tiger(Panthera tigris amoyensis)

- all of which look pretty much alike to me - butt the Sumatran tiger exists only in the rainforests on the island of Sumatra where their habitat is being taken over by evil plantation owners seeking to expand their palm tree acreage for the production of palm oil used world wide in cooking and baking. Specifically, it is what they use to make those delicious Girl Scout Cookies that Lady M doesn’t think are good for any child’s fat behind.

Butt stay with me here: Lady M also happens to hold the title of Honorary National President of Girl Scouts USA (GSUSA). Now, somewhere in far off, fly-over Michigan, two sisters have been trying to get the attention of the top brass at GSUSA to address their concern that the Girl Scouts of America are – unwittingly, of course – responsible for the annihilation of the Sumatran Tigers by continuing to use palm oil to make those delicious cookies that Lady M doesn’t want us to eat. This should be a no-brainer.

Hello tiger. Goodbye Thin Mints.

mint

And even though Lady M personally prefers jaguars to tigers,

2006 Jaguar XK 'Victory' Edition

No, not that kind of Jaguar, this kind:

michelle-obama-trick-of-treating-white-house

we also know that because of her brain washing in school, Wee Won-1 is more concerned with saving the tigers than anything in the whole wide world – at least now that Daddy’s finally got that hole plugged. And what’s more important than fulfilling every child’s every HOPE?

So I’m pretty sure that Lady M will dictate use her considerable clout as head of the No Child's Fat Behind!  and the GSUSA to ensure that from now on Girl Scout cookies will be made with something more earth-friendly, something more sustainable, than palm oil, that is killing the tigers.

girl-scout-cookies

It’s not as if there aren’t other possibilities that will be equally tasty – perhaps yak fat.

I’ll keep you posted.

BTW, does anybody really know what “sustainable” means anymore? Besides WTF, that is.

Today we’ll be out celebrating Earth Day and planting some more sticks and twigs for the Anacostia Watershed Society somewhere. It’s a bit of a tradition now.

kenilworthOur 2009 Earth Day twig planting, Big Guy doing what he does best…

michelle-obama-planting-a-tree while Lady M does all the heavy liftin’ to keep those guns toned

Also part of our Big White Earth Awareness efforts, I just want to make sure you know that this year’s official Big White Easter eggs (Spring Spheres for those of you in Seattle) are totally eco friendly, crafted from Forest Stewardship Council certified, “sustainable” hardwood (Big Guy loves wood).

I don’t know precisely where the wood was harvested, all I know for sure is that it died a natural death.

P032411CK-0022

They’re available for purchase through the National Park Foundation in an enviro-friendly package.( Reasonably priced at $7.50 each or a pack with all four colors at $26.50. Or you can go to Walmart and get your entire Easter buffet: 2 dozen regular eggs, an Easter Ham, pineapple, maraschino cherries, brown sugar, a loaf of bread, a package of cheese food project, and a bag of chips for about the same price as the multi-color pack. Or, you can buy the 5 1/2 gallons of gas it will take to drive to Walmart.)

easter-2011-icon

Don’t forget: You too can get officially rolled by the Big White on Monday, April 25. Unless you’ve already been rolled on April 15/18; if that’s the case, you’re not likely to be invited.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Counterfactual President

I’m sorry my update is a little late today, I’ve had visiting dignitaries in my little bunker for the past few days and I just saw them off. I’m not at liberty to divulge their identities, butt I can tell you this: they are royalty!!

Now on to the Big White updates: You’ve probably noticed that our investment in Winning the Future has already started to pay off. Being an early adaptor of Facebook’s excellent product, we’re using it to build a highspeed internet highway off-ramp for potential voters.That’s why we decided to kick off our 2012 campaign tour at Facebook headquarters in Palo Alto yesterday. The first stop on our $4 million West Coast Gold Rush Tour couldn’t have been a bigger success (“rush” like in panning for gold, not like Rush… you know).

Our favorite little multi-gazillionaire nerd was so flattered to be associated with such a historic, presidential campaign and such a charismatic, inspirational historical President that he even wore a jacket and tie to moderate the townhall meeting.

bos signature smileShirt, tie, jeans, sneakers: good to go

Big Guy told him he could lose the jacket before they got started with the tough questions.

what do I hear for this jacketWhat do I hear for Zuckerberg’s jacket? Come on, he only wore it once and it’s for a good cause! My re-election!

 

nerdiest man on earthThe world’s nerdyist 20-something gazillionaire is “cool with” paying more taxes. Why can’t we all be more like Marky?

The Facebook forum allowed Big Guy to explain to all his loyal Facebook followers the difference between his and  Paul Ryan’s deficit reduction plan:

"I think that what he and the other Republicans in the House of Representatives also want to do is change our social compact in a pretty fundamental way."

I think he’s right. The R-words want to make sure both parties to the social compact have some “skin in the game.” I thought Big Guy liked that?

Marky Z did a great job selecting the questions for the townhall. They were so penetrating and Big Guy’s responses so insightful, he only managed to get through 7 questions in 70 minutes. Which meant we weren’t able to get to a lot of questions people left on the Big White’s Official Facebook page, like this one:

"I want to know why the president mistakenly thinks that the methods for establishing the statist-communist revolutions of Russia, China and South America will work here in America."

Maybe next time. We had to move on to the 6 fundraisers we’ve got squeezed into the official West Coast Gold Rush tour. Butt we’ve got that questioner’s IP address, in case we need to get back to him.

Another investment in the future that’s beginning to pay off is all the work we’ve put into cultivating Time magazine’s staff. We got not one, butt two flattering stories in this week’s edition. First, Lady M made the top third of the 2011Time’s 100 list for her efforts to save the country from the horrible epidemic of childhood obesity.

garden harvest a reuters 

Eat this, not that:

Michelle-eats-ice-cream

“Lobster’s OK, as long as you don’t  dip it in butter”

michelle-lobster-bibOf course there’s no need for a bib in that event.

World famous chef and Food TV personality, Jamie Oliver, wrote the accolade for Time:

... And perhaps most incredibly, she's had frank and challenging dialogues with some of America's largest corporations and persuaded them to change their business practices for the sake of the children.

While she knows none of these changes are easy, she's stood firm in her conviction that if we all just eat better and move more, then we can fight obesity. For her inspirational work, I salute First Lady Michelle Obama — a true revolutionary.

Hard to believe she wasn’t number 1 on the list.

Butt the really big payoff came with this article exonerating Big Guy from every problem in the country caused by George W. Bush, and trying to figure out how to give him credit for avoiding every disaster that didn’t happen, like preventing an atrocity in Libya. Because unless Big Guy gets credit, we’ve let a lot of good near-disasters go to waste.

Not getting credit for something that didn’t happen is what social “scientists” call  a “counterfactual problem.” That just means that it’s really hard to prove something didn’t happen because of something you did. It’s kind of like trying to prove a negative. Which is funny, because that’s what Democrats are always trying to get the R- words to do.

Anyway, I think that about sums it up: “counterfactual problem.” WTF?

phd070309s

phd070309sPHDCOMICS.COM

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Medium is the Message

Boy, yesterday was a tough day. First we had to go on set in New York to tape some Public Service Announcements with the Sesame Street muppets asking all Americans to support our military families (the one percenters who love democracy).

MrsO4_18Aren’t those little muppets adorable? Rosita and Elmo too.

Lady M and Dr. Jill have been rockin’ the muppets quite a bit lately. It’s part of their Join Forces campaign.

size0-army_mil-105609-2011-04-18-090417

Although I have no idea what Elmo, Telly and Grover have to do with our military families. So far all I’ve come up with is they make Lady M’s butt look small, butt I don’t think that’s it.

Maybe it’s because they’ve proved themselves to be such an effective propaganda  communication vehicle for our PBS.

Anyway the taping went fine and we were headed back when there was a little mix up in the air traffic controllers tower at Andrews Air Force Base and Lady M and Dr. Jill’s plane nearly collided with another wide body: a C-17 cargo jet!

Screenshot Studio capture #049

It was really scary; we had to abort our landing and have another round of pre-landing cocktails before we finally got cleared. If not for the recent spate of air traffic controller, I would have suspected that the military wasn’t all that thrilled about Lady M Joining Forces with them. Butt as it turns out, it was just another case of FAA incompetency. .

Don’t worry though, everyone’s fine. Butt that extra cocktail made for some loud discussions when we got back to the Big White. To calm Lady M down Big Guy had to promise to fire the general in charge of the FAA. I don’t think either of them know that the FAA isn’t part of our one percenters who love democracy.

That was the last thing Big Guy needed last night, he was already exhausted from dealing with a tough junior college crowd in Annandale, Virginia earlier, where he shared some of the details of his deficit reduction WTF plan: “We can’t spend what we don’t take in.”

annandaleAnnandale, Northern Virginia Community College: tough crowd 

As you know, Big Guy is known for his nuance, and he used it to good effect here: not “what we don’t have,” butt “what we don’t take in.” Is that beautiful, or what? It’s a new way to say “we’re going to raise taxes on the wealthiest (that’s the 50%  who actually pay taxes) Americans” without having to use the T-word. WTF! That’s the kind of talk Standard and Poor’s likes to hear.

Oh, and I almost forgot: Big Guy was really busy multi-tasking yesterday. He also held a big meeting to discuss the need to reform our immigration policy (who knew we even had one?) with business leaders, government officials, law enforcement officials and “others” (Reverend Al).

i'm da man

Reverend Al: race hustler and immigration reform expert

Unfortunately none of the governors from the border states were invited able to attend. Butt I’m sure they were following the results of the meeting on their new White House Phone App.

mobile_ver2

From our official Big White website:

Now, with the newly upgraded White House iPhone app, you can get an alert that President Obama is about to speak, then watch it live, right in the palm of your hand. Over 400,000 people have already downloaded the app, so if you don’t already have it make sure you do.
 

“We’re constantly working to make it easier for the American public to connect with the Administration.”

And it makes it a whole lot easier for us to “control our message.” That Marshall McLuhan really knew what he was talking about.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

View to a Kill

The View Transcript, short version:

I’m all, like, and Jill’s all, like cool! And Buh-rock says he’s cool too. The Biden’s they’re cool. They’re like, real people, you know?

And we all work s-oooo hard, and so we’re all like, “really?”  Sometimes we get tired, like from not being able to walk anywhere, you know? Don’t feel sorry for me! I’m just sayin’.

Military families? Who knew they were out there? And they’re proud, they’re handlin’ their business. Who knew!? We love ‘em though. Now that we know they’re out there - the one percenters. They’re part of our democracy, you know?

you've said enough

First, if I may be a little immodest for a moment,  I’m going to have to say, I think I did an excellent job yesterday with Lady M’s refractions. I love working in TV studios, with all that special equipment. And professional makeup artists.

Secondly, I’m beginning to think that perhaps Dr. Jill might be spending a little too much time with Lady M. It pains me to say this, butt I think her dress might be a smidge too tight. I tried to warn her about the perils of being on the road with Lady M and her traveling Cheetos locker. She thought I was exaggerating.

I’m not clear on the significance of the pink and red theme that FLOTUS and SLOTUS chose for their “Joining Forces” tour. Butt they’ve been rockin’ it since the kickoff last week.

americasnewidols

 

5

I’m calling Lady M the holder of the Charlie Sheen  “winning” card in this round: demure frock, knees covered, and looky! The shoes even match! How truly special is that?

 

Dr. Jill on the other hand, seemed to have grabbed the wrong garment bag for the trip to NYC. Her dress looks it was the one that was being sent out to the cleaners for pressing.

abc_michelle_obama_the_view_2_nt_110418_ssv

Note to self: linen is not a good choice for travel days. Unclear what’s going on with Lady M’s roller coast hem other than it’s clearly the latest fashion trend; since it covers the knees, especially when sitting, I’m in.

Screenshot Studio capture #047 Too much exposure. To Lady M I mean.

 

1Members of the Ladies of the View synchronized leg crossing team.

Lady M told Barbara that she and Dr. Jill  “have the best positions in government.” I’ll say! All of the perks, and none of the responsibilities. Butt she meant because they get to choose their “causes”  unlike Big Guy who is forced to deal with anything that’s thrust on him, like this huge federal deficit, Libyan rebels, basketball brackets and Nobel Peace Prizes.

I hope this doesn’t sound sexist or any thing, butt technically FLOTUS and SLOTUS don’t “have the best positions in government,” they’re just married to the people who do. They’re more like the beneficiaries than the fiduciaries. I hope that doesn’t get me in trouble with NOW.

In addition to their Joining Forces effort, and the soldiers (the one percenters who are part of our democracy) and their families, Lady M and Dr. Jill covered other important topics like Wee Won-1 growing up (they talk about makeup - for hours!) and Joey B falling asleep during Big Guy’s Big Fiscal Responsibility Tour. It was apparently just in sympathy with the plight of the Air Controllers – they’re unionized again, right? Although their problem is most likely related to a poor diet, high in fat, sugar and sodium. Bad diets can kill.

7

Lady M explained how surprised she was to find out that our soldiers come from regular families somewhere in fly over.

9She and Buh-rock had always assumed that soldiers were somehow different from ordinary people, who don’t think about democracy so much

"We're trying to expand public awareness. Because our military families sacrifice so much for us," the first lady said. "And most Americans are probably like I was. Not really recognizing the sacrifices and the challenges that these families make."

3819930499-1Like all young people, the O’s formed some of their views about the military by movies they saw while still in college.

“I want to embrace the country that I love. The country that I know is positive and fair… ” And as soon as she finds it, she can stop travelling so much. Maybe it will be Ireland. I understand she has roots there too.

15Whoopie got all dressed up for Lady M’s visit. And she didn’t even walk off the set in the middle of the interview.

BTW, the Kosher-style Seder last night was a big hit. Even Lady M enjoyed the braised beef brisket, potato kugel and matzo chocolate cake (much better use of matzo than the balls.) Butt again with the  carrot soufflĂ©! Can we just skip that part of the tradition next year?

As with everything though, you can’t please everybody, and as usual Big Guy’s faux Seder met with criticism from some. Boy you really can’t fool please everyone can you?

H/T Mommy Life: Barbara thinks Lady M might want to stay in the Big White 4 more years more so than Big Guy. So she can continue to look for the country she loves –where ever in the world that might be.

Monday, April 18, 2011

“shared responsibility and shared prosperity” WTF? Doesn’t that sound like Marxism?

We have a busy week shaping up around here. Tonight: our 3rd annual official Seder Dinner, which still confuses me a little, because I didn’t even know we were Jewish; not that there’s anything wrong with that - I just didn’t know since we’ve never been to temple.

seder_blogFamily Seders past

Butt Big Guy’s been celebrating with his Jewish friends and staffers (mostly one and the same) since the campaign trail glory days of ‘08 (boy, that seems a long time ago doesn’t it?).

Here’s Big Guy’s Passover statement for this year:

My family and I send our warmest wishes to all those celebrating the sacred festival of Passover.

On Monday evening, Jewish families and their friends in America, Israel, and around the world will gather around the Seder table and retell the story of the Exodus, one of the most powerful stories of suffering and redemption in history. The story of Passover - which recalls the passage of the children of Israel from bondage and repression to freedom and liberty - inspires hope that those oppressed and enslaved can become free. The Seder, with its rich traditions and rituals, instructs each generation to remember its past, while appreciating the beauty of freedom and the responsibility it entails.

It might be good if we all remembered the Jews past. Although that’s asking for a lot from a culture already overcrowded with celebrity wit and wisdom, reality shows, porn-on-demand and free condom distribution for everyone over age 10. And beside, we all know that could never happen here. ‘Cuz we’re all so enlightened. And progressive.

This year, that ancient instruction is reflected in the daily headlines as we see unfolding in the Middle East and North Africa.

Since I see that Iran is assisting the Syrian “rebels” I don’t think I’d take those “modern stories of social transformation and liberation” to heart just yet.

Against the backdrop of change, we continue to pray for peace between Israel and her neighbors, while reaffirming our enduring commitment to Israel's security.

And you can take that to the bank. Of course our currency has been severely devalued as of late, especially since our KMAs seem to be doing nothing more than destabilizing the least stable region on the planet and empowering the decidedly non-matzo ball friendly Muslim Brotherhood. Butt I’m sure we have a plan to support our Jewish friends in Israel.

As Jewish families gather for this joyous celebration of freedom, let us all be thankful for the gifts that have been bestowed upon us, and let us work to alleviate the suffering, poverty, injustice, and hunger of those who are not yet free. Chag Sameach.

And to protect and defend the freedom of those who have already won it. Shalom.

Chef is still working on the menu for tonight, since last year’s didn’t go over that big with Lady M: Gefilte Fish?

gefilte

You cannot be serious. Chicken Soup with Matzo Balls? Roast Chicken? Carrot SoufflĂ© – CARROT? SOUFFLE?!? The only thing that Lady M approved of last year were the brown sugar macaroons, and even then more so for the symbolism than the flavor.

White House Hosts First Black Tie Dinner National XlRuj5vFg-rlIn the kitchen with Chefs during happier days

So we’ve instructed chef to try harder this year, although the shellfish restriction is going to make it hard to pull a whole meal together that Lady M will enjoy. So in a defensive KMA (Kinetic Meal Action) we’re planning a special lunch of Kobe sliders and lobster rolls, just to tide us over till our midnight snack.

 

amdtop_obama_passoverThe yarmulke nicely covers our surgical scars

As soon as he wraps up his campaign for Jewish votes, Big Guy will be taking his campaign on the roadto speak directly to the American people about his vision for reducing our debt and bringing down our deficit, based on the values of shared responsibility and shared prosperity.” Good move - waiting until after tax day to spread that bit of wisdom around.

Townhalls are scheduled in Virginia, Palo Alto (Facebook headquarters!) and Reno for Big Guy to share his Willie Hutton plan for controlling the deficit by taxing the fat cats. He’ll also manage to squeeze in two huge campaign fund raisers in Los Angeles and San Francisco while he’s out that way on official business. Because let’s face it, WTF is going to very, very expensive.

Oh, and note to the road crew: let’s try to remember to turn the feeds off this time, o-kay?

Sunday, April 17, 2011

From MilFams to OFams

Did you see that Big Guy’s little half-sister wrote a book? She stole the idea from Big Guy. It’s a children’s book called Ladder to the Moon (which she stole from Georgia O’Keefe); and no, it’s not about Big Guy, butt Big Guy’s mother: Granny Stanley Ann Dunham Obama Soetoro.

9780763645700

Auntie Maya with her new book, and Georgia O’Keefe’s “Escalera a la Luna”

x3501958_georgia-okeeffe_escalera-a-la-luna-22

The illustrations don’t really look much like Granny-Obama-Soetero.

I guess that in these difficult economic times, you need to keep an eye on marketability; and let’s face it, there just aren’t that many kids out there who have a white radical leftist grandmother from Kansas who turned into a cultural Marxist anthropologist married to an African and an Indonesian. (At different times of course – she wasn’t a Mormon. Although I guess there are still some questions about whether she was ever actually married/divorced to/from Barack H. Obama Sr. Like all other paper documents containing the word “Obama” they seem to have vanished.)

So anyway, for illustrating the story it looks like Auntie Maya and her illustrator, Yuyi Morales, went with a more ethnic look for Granny Stann, something more like Granny Morales. I think Granny Stann would have liked that.

Since there’s not too much going on this weekend, it gave me an idea:why don’t we just play around with a little Obama family history.

Here is Big Guy with his little sister Maya: (who told Today’s Al Roker, and any one else who would listen, that the birther case is closed: she can categorically state that Big Guy was born in Hawaii. Although I don’t know how she’d know, being a little sister and all).

maya-soetoro-ng-and-barack-obamaBig Guy and little sis, back in the day

g-tdy-110412-obama-mom-sister-830a_grid-6x2…and with Mom…on your LEFT

Let’s start with some simple family genetics: Big Guy does look like his mother:

obama_motherHB4btuqU_Pxgen_r_247x332

Stanley_Ann_Dunhamobama-and-his-mother

Paternal genetics are not quite as clear, which may or may not have something to do with the missing authentic “Record of Live Birth.”

Most say that Barack Hussein Obama Sr. is the father of Barack Hussein Obama Jr.. Others contend that the real birth father was Frank Marshall Davis, a fellow traveler  who became young Barack’s political,material and spiritual advisor and mentor.

Physical similarity is inconclusive in the daddy sweepstakes:

ObamaDavisObamaDunham

Let’s see : Daddy candidate #1, BHO Sr., had an advanced degree in Economics from Harvard, and a substance abuse problem. Daddy candidate #2 was a journalist, poet and labor activist. Still too close to call.

Although genetics may not mean all that much. After all Mom, Stanley Ann,  got a B.A. in mathematics before going on to become a world famous anthropologist. And according to Eric Bolling, Big Guy doesn’t even know how to add:

BOLLING: Well, there is a little bit fuzzy about that math, here's why -- $38.5 billion times 12 comes out to only $462 billion. I'm not sure how Mr. Obama came up with $750 billion. Fuzzy math I guess.

The fuzzy math syndrome does auger towards BHO Sr as the paternal sperm donor, as standard math is not a requirement for an advanced degree in economics (proof here). Then again, what does a poet need with arithmetic?

Well, we’re not going to settle this controversy today. We’ll leave that up to The Donald. Maybe he can find the long form BC and put this controversy to bed once and for all. Maybe, he can even find the missing legal documents making the name change from Barry Soetoro back to BHO, after Lolo’s Indonesian adoption. Hey, that might just solve that fishy Social Security number mess. Or, maybe it will just open another juicy can of worms. I’m glad The Donald is doing that and not me, but don’t worry - I’ll never shirk a good Big White story should one come along.

All I can tell you is that Lady M used to like Auntie Maya a lot because, although she does have that to-die-for Asian hair that normally turns Lady M kind of greeninsh, she did always make Lady M’s butt look small.

0013729e4a600abc3fcd0cfirst-state-dinner-maya-soetoro-ng-obama-sister

Hawaii visit before the Inauguration left, First State Dinner, right, evening visit to the Lincoln monument last year, below, before Big Guy had to save the day by passing the huge budget compromise to keep it open for tourists.

Obamas%20sightsee

If Maya Soetoro Ng wants to stay in good graces around here, I’d just advise her to stay away from Lady M’s low fat organic vegetable diet. If she gets skinny, she’ll find herself persona non grata around here so fast, her book might fall right off the best seller’s list.

alg_maya-soetero-ngKeep up the good work, Maya!