Saturday, January 29, 2011

Obama’s Lincoln Moment: Crisis on De-Nile.

The Middle East is imploding, and Big Guy’s talking about why we shouldn’t be eating tater tots?

state din rm

Of course, he did address the situation in Egypt last night, after the customary 72 hours of silence. He selected the State Dining Room so we could position the podium directly in front of Abraham Lincoln’s portrait in order to milk the rich symbolism of the civil rights and civil war president. Is our PR team worth their weight in gold, or what?

It’s a touchy situation since our friend and ally, Mubarak, is keeping the Muslim Brotherhood from stepping into the vacuum that his downfall would create. We’re a little afraid that their dictator could be even worse than our dictator. You know, like that whole unfortunate Jimmy Carter/Shah of Iran/Ayatollah situation back in the day? - that we’re still living with?

Even the most politically correct amongst Big Guy’s Big White team will concede that the Muslim Brotherhood is part of that “small percentage” of Muslims that we refer to as “Islamic extremists.” They’re the ones who like to shout “Death to America!” Not our friends.

bo and abe2“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” -Abraham Lincoln

So, it’s complicated. Butt I’m sure we’re up to the task.

obama_sneer "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
— Abraham Lincoln

Meanwhile, Lady M announced she will be campaigning for Big Guy in 2012! Really?!!

As if we ever stopped.

Sestak philly I will prepare and some day my chance will come.” - Abraham Lincoln

"Whenever it's time to campaign and they tap me on the shoulder, I'll be right there," the first lady continued. "But until then, we've got some great initiatives," she said. "And I'm rolling up my sleeves to get that work done, and we'll cross that other bridge when we get there."

Heh, heh. Isn’t it great the way our supportive press handles these things for us? And they’re also reporting Lady M’s salute to military families as her Eleanor Roosevelt initiative. Truthfully, our public opinion polls have been showing “support for military families”  as the highest ranking, bipartisan issue since well before we were the Wons.  We’re just continuing to use it for its best purpose: to woo more votes.

on the campaign trail:2008 michelle-military-families “Public opinion in this country is everything.” - Abraham Lincoln

That’s why we we’ve spent so much time these past two years visiting the troops, and acting empathetic when we talk about the needs of military families.

On Monday, President Obama announced new initiatives to help support military families across the federal government and declared that they are now “upping their game” in support. Mrs. Obama said that there are a lot of simple things that people can do to help – if you’re an accountant, helping a military family prepare their taxes for example, she said.

Or better yet, maybe we could lower their taxes.

“A lot of these women can use a girl’s night out, a manicure, a pedicure, a break,” she said, “There are things we can do as a nation big and small.”

And you can count on us to take care of the small ones.

That’s why we appeared on Oprah’s show, to show America how much we care. For the occasion, we chose a fuchsia Speedo, a new Sputnik moment, space age containment system and a new necklace:

Winfrey Michelle Obama“Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.” - Abraham Lincoln

This, of course is a look we’ve sported before, and are quite comfortable with.

mo in charge  “How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.” - Abraham Lincoln

These are trying times. We must all remain strong.

generator  "I laugh because I must not cry, that is all, that is all. "
— Abraham Lincoln


obama new yorker cover 150708 "You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time."   Abraham Lincoln

And then some of us, who are just here to reflect, can never be fooled.

Friday, January 28, 2011

BREAKING NEWS: MOTUS Boutique Announces the New Lynn II WTF Collection!!! OINK!!!

To commemorate our first, historic re-election campaign theme, “Win The Future” MOTUS has stocked her Boutique shelves with the new, commemorative Lynn II WTF Collection T-shirts.

Lynn II's WTF Collection copy

In response to popular demand (I am so supply side), MOTUS unleashed her crackerjack design team (MOTUS) to create this new product line (named in honor of Lynn II who gave birth to the concept) and had her fulfillment team (Little Mo & Little Bo) stock the shelves of her extraordinary boutique with this unprecedented, historic t-shirt collection.



Lynn II’s Original

WTF-Obama 2012















The “?” Variation







Act now, Zazzle has t-shirts ON SALE!!!!

(Offer is valid through January 29, 2011 at 11:59 PM PT.

 zazzle sale copy

Remember, you can have this new fashion forward design emblazoned on any of Zazzle’s products so SHOP ’TILL YOU DROP!!!


PS: I pass on creeper’s comment from yesterday for your consideration if you’re going to order:

“Oddly, I just bought a shirt from this company.  They do good work but shirts seem to run small...especially ladies'.  Shirts are printed as ordered in most cases, so it takes a bit longer than most in-stock places.”

I’ve checked the quality assurance standards in the past, and concur that the women’s sizes do seem to “run small.” 

WTF: We’re Pressing On

Five hookers, a suitcase full of cocaine and Charlie Sheen: what could go wrong?

Well, for starters, now that he’s laid up with a double hernia, he just lost the opportunity to serve as Big Guy’s new press secretary. After auditioning dozens of actors for the part, Charlie was way out in front, having a leg up, so to speak, because his father actually played a U.S. President on television. Plus, he had agreed to change his name back to Estevez in order to help us with the undocumented citizens vote in 2012.

Now all bets are off and it looks like we went with our number two choice, a carnival barker who has been Joey B’s spokesperson for the past two years.

carney-gibbs-blog480Joey B, Jay Carney and Gibbsy

I have to admit, as long as we couldn’t get Charlie, Jay is a good choice: his experience parsing Joey B’s words was certainly good training. And the fact that he’s Claire Shipman’s husband isn’t going to hurt our credibility in the MSM either, if you follow my drift. And that’s real insider information that you won’t read about in the New York Times. I guess they consider it irrelevant. That will go a long way towards overcoming Jay’s only deficit: “It’s a tricky job,” Jay said, “and I’m sure I wouldn’t be any good at it.”

Butt on to more important topics – no, not the revolution brewing in Egypt – Lady M’s trip to South Carolina to shape up the troops.

610xMO, reviewing our troops fat behinds

I’ll cover her Oprah show (which was HUGE!) and ABC’s Good Morning America appearance (see? Jay’s appointment is already paying off!) later. Butt I don’t want to give short-shrift to Lady M’s continuing sacrifices for our military families. Yesterday she sacrificed by going to Fort Jackson to kick off her military fitness intervention: “Go For Green!” And while both the Army and Michigan State Spartan football fans may approve, I’m not sure how the Navy, Air Force and Marines are going to feel about being slighted, color wise.

“Go Green” is actually a new dinner campaign to turn our soldiers into locovores who eat their veggies. Apparently this is one of dozens of measures we’ve adopted for improving our national security. If you don’t see the connection right away between carrots and national security, allow me to take a stab at it. I think it’s because eating food that has traveled all the way from Mexico creates too much carbon dioxide that damages the environment and makes us more vulnerable to incoming missiles. Or something.

You’ve probably noticed our shift in wardrobe choices lately: serious, less fun stuff. A sure sign that we’ve unofficially kicked off our 2012 WTF campaign (T-shirts available soon in MOTUS’ Boutique – Little Bo and Mo are busy stocking the shelves as we speak. Standby for more information.OINK!)

 nutritionHere we are in our new, serious suit dressing, tarted up just a bit with our custom black and white ceramic nail file that doubles as a brooch.

And I know many of you will be pleased to hear that our new image also includes efforts to sit more like a lady:

3_Michelle_Obama_Army_sff Still not 100% clear on the point of crossing our legs at the ankles.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Taking the WTF Tour on the Road

This week, President Obama, Vice President Biden, and members of the President’s Cabinet will travel across the country to highlight the President’s plan for winning the future and creating jobs by out-innovating, out-educating and out-building the rest of the world. 

White House Press Release


The day after the most eloquent speech in the history of the Republic, Big Guy kicked up his WTF campaign, 2012 version, in Manitowoc, Wisconsin.

125280337AazdlF_fs Manitowoc: Big Guy’s beacon of light in a frozen wasteland 

Located on the shore of Lake Michigan, here’s a little known fun fact about Manitowoc: in 1962 a 20 pound chunk of Sputnik 4 fell to earth, landing in the middle of North 8th street in the middle of the night. Big Guy told his audience that they believe it, butt until yesterday morning, he had no idea about the Sputnik connection to Manitowoc!

"It was part of a satellite called Sputnik that landed right here, and that set the Space Race in motion," Obama said. "So I want to say to you today that it's here, more than 50 years later, that the race for the 21st century will be won."

I’m not sure about winning the race for the 21st century, but that is proof that he had no idea about the Sputnik coincidence. The “Sputnik moment” that inspired Kennedy’s challenge and Big Guy’s SOTU speech was Sputnik 1, launched in 1959 (prior to BO’s alleged birth in Hawaii).

The White House to Main Street trip yesterday started with a visit to Orion Energy Systems, manufacturer of high intensity modular fluorescent lighting, and other “innovative” solar and energy saving products.

orion Let there be light!

And this year, we’re all about innovation. It’s how we’re going to “win the future” (WTF: the Big White’s words, not mine).

Next on our innovation tour: Skana Aluminum, which reopened recently after being shuttered for a year due to the previous owners bankruptcy. Skana currently has over 70 employees and expects to reach 100 employees in 2011.

multi handed O Big Guy demonstrates some of the innovative techniques being used at Skana: multi-tasking.

BO also visited TowerTech while he was in town, noting that it was "one of the largest wind tower manufacturers in North America — a company that's grown by several hundred workers in recent years."

Wow! several hundred! In recent years!! That’s the kind of innovation we’re talking about! At that rate, the 900 jobs lost when Mirro Cookware moved their manufacturing jobs to Mexico can be replaced in less than a decade!

Butt Big Guy is doing his best. Just last December he signed Incentives to Support Investments in Renewable Energy: 

“an extension of the 1603 grant program, which provides incentives for the production of renewable energy like wind and solar. For example, some of Orion’s customers have benefited from this program, supporting demand for its products.”

Translation: products not economically viable without being subsidized by American taxpayers. Butt that’s OK because it will make us more INNOVATIVE! And windmills and solar panels are technically INFRASTRUCTURE, right? We’ll work on the “economically viable” part later, when we make everyone use wind and solar energy. In the mean time, two out of three ain’t bad.

broadway here i come The Won, rehearsing  his WTF Tour at Orion Energy. He’s planning to take it on the road for the next two years. Watch for it in a city near you.

The only problem I can see with Big Guy’s WTF tour – and using one of his sports analogies  -  instead of putting one in the win column, it’s starting to look a lot more like we’re committed to snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

And it’s probably all due to our lack of civility.


BTW, upon returning to Washington, Big Guy was met with another round of Global Warming. Just the thing we’re trying to save the planet from by investing all your money in clean energy innovation.


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

A Parable of Clothes and Fishes: UPDATE




I would like to begin this post, as I probably should all of them, by apologizing for Lady M’s appearance. I was having too much fun live-blogging and let my lenses down for a little too long.

silver streak

I thought we were going to be fine.

And, as God is my witness, I thought we had fulfilled the contractual terms of our product placement with Walmart. Nor did I have any idea that Walmart was now carrying Rachael Roy!

Since we were wearing a very important designer I assumed - even if the fit wasn’t a 100% match to our body type - that at least the fabric wouldn’t end up all mid-20th century wrinkly.  Butt here’s the thing about these reasonably priced Walmart garments (aside from the fact they’re made in Chinese sweatshops): They look ok until, as Granny Jan pointed out, you happen to turn sideways:


or, I would add, stand up;


…or sit down:



I swear, as long as Lady M has this contract with Walmart and Amerika, I will never again assume that a designer name means we’re safe from the deadly deep creases and wrinkles. Like the saying goes, assuming always makes an ASS out of U and ME.

My bad: very, very bad.


Butt on to Big Guy’s speech, because, after all, we were assembled to praise Caesar, not bury him. And was it not ingenious! He channeled his inner Billy-Bob and co-opted the rhetoric of conservatives for his own purposes.

In the interest of being civil he got a new voice coach to make his angry rhetoric sound upbeat and inspirational, a new triangulator to make his spending sound more like investments, his taxation sound more like “contributions,” and his solar panels and wind mills sound more like an energy program.

He even got a new speech writer to invoke a Sputnik moment for this generation. And here is Big Guy’s challenge for Amerika: he envisions a country where all Americans can enjoy smoked salmon served to them on a solar powered high speed train, served by well educated illegal immigrants.*

BransonDinnerTrain(1) Hop on Big Guy’s dinner train, while China continues to eat our lunch

Is there still anyone who wonders whether Big Guy is the smartest man in the history of the world?

*h/t Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R) Utah

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

'Barky Horror Fiction Show' SOTU Live Thread Tonight! Game Time: 9:00 EST

I’ve taken the “Don’t drink and blog” pledge, so I won’t be participating in any of this evening’s annual SOTU Interweb live drunk blogging and drinking games.

Butt thanks to MaryOhSoContrary’s (MOSC) suggestion, I will be hosting an “open-mic night” so we can all share the pain (there will be pain) and let our inner dawgs out. Don’t worry if, like Eric Cantor, you didn’t get a date for the prom. We’ll all go stag together.

Why you really want to follow-along in real time is beyond me: I’m only going because it’s my job. Normally I’d recommend DVR’ing it so you can fast forward through all the non-partisan applause and the “blah, blah, blah” parts.

But if you insist on watching the whole dance live, love to play games and don’t want to be hung over tomorrow, Sarjex has a designated blogger version: SOTU Bingo:


Just be sure to substitute something other than an adult beverage for every time you get Bingo, (otherwise, while your consumption will be slower than if you just pick one word, you’ll still have a hangover tomorrow). So how about you reward yourself instead with one of Lady M’s (other) guilty pleasures: a big old scoop of fudge, right out of the jar. I would recommend  Sanders hot fudge – none finer. Preferably on a fine vanilla ice cream with chopped pecans. Whipped cream is nice, but definitely optional. If you are a diabetic, my lawyer advises me that you are not eligible to play along. Butt you get my drift: it’s going to be a loooong evening so grab some comfort food. And try not to frighten the dog.

Anyway, I wish I could play along with you all night, butt as you know, I’ll be busier than the backstage handlers at a Miss America pageant. I’ll try to drop in from time to time, although the cameras love to zoom in on Lady M, requiring me to keep my refractors up at all times. The last time I let my guard down at the SOTU we wound up with that picture of her arse attracting her own moon.


I understand  Echo went rogue on us earlier today. Hopefully it has had it’s demons exorcized and won’t give anyone any more trouble.

And with that, I officially unleash the banshees. Have at it.

Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

And if anything goes awry, just remember: it was all MaryOhSoContrary’s idea, not mine.


PS: Here’s Vodkapundit’s confessional on the genesis of drunk blogging games as well as a link to tonight’s drunk blogging.

Movin’ to the Center

Well, I hope you’re all happy now. You wanted to see Lady M  in a  suit and stockings, and she complied.

Butt as you can see, she’s not happy about it.


The occasion was Big Guy’s announcement of  "an unprecedented commitment to America's military families" because he went to Afghanistan and discovered that military personnel were worried about their families back home. Who knew!?

And giving additional benefits to the families of our brave military personnel tested very positive in focus groups, so naturally, they moved immediately into our focus.

Lady M’s new dresser thought this would be an excellent opportunity to send a new signal about our commitment to fashion democracy: we’re moving to the center! Middle America ‘R Us.

Since it was a last minute decision, she had our newest sponsor, Walmart, sent over something from their current collection. And  the Big White seamstress, because we so rarely use her,had gone on vacation so we had to go “off the rack.”

Now, I’m not saying that Walmart doesn’t offer fine quality for the money and all,  I just don’t know how much tailoring you can expect from someone making 15 cents an hour. So I’m not blaming them or anything, butt surely you can see why our new Big White official sponsor won’t be providing any additional FLOTUS fashions.

For starters:


And then, there is the question of the lapel points:


Seriously, all they’d have to do to fix those little puckers at the points would be to watch a video of Martha Stewart making placemats on her Singer (made in China now). You need one of those little pointy thingies that Martha uses to take care of this.

Not that the points were the only problem with this ensemble:


The necklace was also from the Walmart winter collection, and by wearing it with the suit I believe we have now fulfilled the product endorsement portion of the Walmart contract. Thank goodness that’s behind us.


As you can see, the skirt was a nightmare of ill-fitting fabric and fuzzy logic too. Sew, let’s focus on the positive – because we’re into optimism around here. Lady M did wear stockings!



While this look might not have been a complete win, it was certainly preferable to the outfit sent over by our other newest Big White sponsor, GE:

KF750%20Solar%20new GE’s new solar suit: conserve energy while saving the planet

I can neither confirm nor deny the rumor that Lady M hired a new stylist. Butt I can tell you she’s no longer employed at the Big white. She’s been reassigned to “work on our campaign” back in Chicago.

BTW: for those who think this photo is evidence that Lady M had a chin implant, I can neither confirm nor deny that either. 

 whatsupwith the lapel points

I’ll be taking a break from my Sundance responsibilities tonight, and flying back to Washington to refract Lady M for the big SOTU. Big Guy’s sending Air Force .5 to pick me up for this important event. AF.5, you may recall, used to be Nancy Pelosi’s private jet. The new Speaker, John Boehner – even though he won it from her fair and square - told Big Guy that he wasn’t going to use AF.5 for his personal use. Good thing, too, because Big Guy had already given it to TOTUS and me.

See you all tonight!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Goodbye America

goodby america Big Guy waves goodbye

With all my Sundance responsibilities, I haven’t even mentioned the appointment of our newest  economics czar (head of the President's Council on Jobs and Competitiveness), Jeffrey Immelt:


seen here with wife Andrea at our pro-China rally last week.

I guess he was hired because he’s done such a good job at GE been such a reliable cheerleader for Big Guy’s economic policies. Although, the appointment is not without controversy; even the normally civil Fred Barnes was a bit harsh:

President Obama may not have picked the worst possible corporate executive to head his new panel on job creation. But Immelt is pretty close.

Other critics weren’t as nice:

"Obama and Immelt are mutually dependent on each other. Obama needs corporate money for his re-election campaign and Immelt needs the president's muscle to continue the Administration's war on cheap energy to make GE's renewable energy products economically competitive," said Tom Borelli, Ph.D., director of the National Center's Free Enterprise Project. "Making energy prices skyrocket is not an economic recovery plan. It's a recipe for economic disaster.

Just because he favored Big Guy’s stimulus, healthcare plan and - most importantly - Cap and Trade doesn’t exactly warrant the term “Pet CEO.”

bo immelt “sit!”

Oh, did I mention that GE makes wind turbines? And is one of the world’s largest investors in non-conventional (i.e. “non-carbon based” energy) energy? That’s a good thing, right? Especially if we pass that carbon Cap and Trade bill?

Butt that’s not why Jeffrey supports Big Guy’s Cap and Trade. No, his reasons are much more disturbing scientific “

In an interview on CNBC in 2009, Immelt said he found the science on global warming to be “compelling. So it’s question of when and not if there’s going to be something done on carbon.”

I’m beginning to see why he was invited to our Chinese pep rally.

And Jeff returned the favor by inviting Big Guy to one of his plants in Schenectady, New York last week to peer into our future.


Just in case you can’t clearly see what’s at the bottom of Jeff’s abyss, here’s another angle:

flag Bye, bye to another  piece of America’s pie

I understand there’s an over/under pool going on when the generator plant gets outsourced to Beijing.

Butt don’t worry, Big Guy’s first concern, as he’s telling everyone who’ll listen, is growing the economy here at home, and he will spend tomorrow evening explaining how we’re going to do this through new “investments.” In the usual suspects.

That should work. We certainly know a thing or two about enbiggening around here.

back view

Sunday, January 23, 2011

We’re Getting the Round Table Back Together

Greetings from Sundance 2011!

egypt The Egyptian Theater, on Main Street in Park City

As you know, I’m here to screen some films and do some reviews. They’ll be posted on DeweyfromDetroit intermittently. Up first, Pariah, the Movie. Be sure to stop back during the week to read about more movies you won’t want to see either.

Camelot: Richard Burton

Butt now, a few words on Sargent Shriver’s funeral: OMG! OMG!

Lady M hears “Catholic funeral Mass” and her first instinct is  “parochial school jumper?” In black?

ss funeralplaid uniform With a funeral squirting flower? And booty things on her legs?  

She must have really gotten into the schoolgirl role because the next thing you know, there she is playing googly-eyes with Joey B!

 ss funeral3

Where was Big Guy while this was going on?

Shooting hoops with Reggie and the guys? Well, we do have our priorities. Sorry Sarg. If only you’d gotten that promotion to Major like you should have, maybe Big Guy wouldn’t have had a previous commitment.

Again all I can say is I’m really, really sorry.

There was a full court press turnout for Sargent Shriver’s funeral.

POTOMAC, MD - JANUARY 22: after the funeral of Sargent Shriver at Our Lady of Mercy Catholic Church January 22, 2011 in Potomac, Maryland.  Robert Sargent Shriver Jr., a politician and activist who was the first leader of the Peace Corps and was involved in other social programs, died this week at the age of 93.   (Photo by Brendan Smialowski/Getty Images) Cokie Roberts at Sargent Shriver’s funeral

chris mand Chris Matthews too. Keith Olbermann  also had a previous commitment.

Sarg was their last tangible connection to Camelot, the magical kingdom that they all helped create and have been searching for ever since...

Camelot II, the sequel. A dashing young President:


a glamorous, fashion icon First Lady

 fleur dis lis

We’re getting the Round Table back together again!

generator Either that, or we’re peering into the abyss.

From the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, where everything is butt an illusion, this is MOTUS, your cub-entertainment reporter, signing off for the night.

Back to you Chet.