Saturday, March 13, 2010

Scary Movie Night

Big Guy cancelled his Pacific trip after watching the premiere of Pacific in the Big White theatre with Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks.


Seeing it on the big screen with popcorn made it all too up close and personal. For the first time in his life, Big Guy realized they don’t like us.They really don’t like us!

610x kick the bum out not a pro-bo rally indonesian  terror team NOT a pro-BO rally

Hint to all you tea party people out there who don’t want our healthcare takeover rahmed up your a*#: get a hold of Spielberg and have him make your case for our big screen. Maybe Big Guy will finally believe you really, really do feel that way about his grand idea. Oh, and bring your own popcorn. Lady M doesn’t allow that around here anymore: too much salt.

michelle-obama-sesame-street-psa All natural, organic veggie friendly Big White: hold the butter and salt.

Friday, March 12, 2010

How High?

I’ve been fielding a lot of questions about whether – as appears to be the case in this photo –  Big Guy wears wife-beaters.

wife beater

the Hanes classic: 

wife beater 

All I can tell you is that this was more than a courtesy call on Claire McKaskill. Sure, Big Guy went to help her raise more money for her re-election campaign. But the real reason for the visit was to tell her about the looming foreclosure on the Louisiana Purchase.

I'm going to need that money back Claire I’m going to need that money back, Claire.

I know she’s wearing pink, but still, sometimes you  have to strong- arm the Dems: you know, to get your message out? They don’t like to give the money back.

So OK, I see Big Guy’s suspicious shadow lines. Sheeze, now I’m supposed to be dealing with VPL’s on POTUS too? Haven’t I enough to do around here? Besides, I tend to think those shadow lines are an optical illusion. Ask yourself: would you wear a wife beater if this was the wife?


 Picture 18 


Ok, Ok: Big Guy wears wife-beaters. But it’s really more of a hopey-changey thing. Ask yourself: if there’s any beating going on around here, who do you think is going to be the beat-ee?




                                                       How high, hon?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

A Brave Goodbye

Note to all of you out there who thought you were being helpful by suggesting that Lady M should wear clothes that weren’t so, ahem, tight. Be careful what you wish for.

And no, for the last time, we are not preggers. Here she is with Hil and Sister Marie Claude Naddaf of Syria (more International Women’s awards, yadda, yadda, yadda).

new look

And here’s a funny little “insider” for you: MO slipped and called Hil “Senator” instead of “Secretary of State.” Hil just clenched her teeth and smiled, but knowing her as well as I do I could tell what she was thinking: “That  would be President Clinton, but for you and your Chicago thug husband.” 


But back to the periwinkle prego ensem; its technically called a trapeze jacket, even though it looks a bit more like the “big top” itself.  But nice save with that big old diamond brooch. That classes anything up.

Later we headed over to the Smithsonian – which made me a little nostalgic, my first job was in this exact display department. But this isn’t about me; we were there for MO to officially (and apparently reluctantly) turn over her lovely white  inaugural confection for the permanent first lady gown collection.

She was quite emotional about the presentation, saying:

… I’ll never forget the moment that I slipped on this beautiful gown.  I remember how just luscious I felt as the President and I were announced onto the stage for the first of many dances.  And I’ll cherish that moment for the rest of my life.

I should think so: it was only the second time in her life that she was proud of her country.

butt shot Lady M, with the adorable Jason Wu, bravely saying goodbye

I know Lady M’s very sentimental about this beautiful historic gown, so  in honor of her bravely turning it over to the people’s museum, she was presented with a consolation prize. The Smithsonian curator managed to get Bjork to donate her world famous swan gown from the 2001 Oscars to Lady M – which as you can see, was clearly the inspiration for Jason’s original creation:


Our presentation gown for the Smithsonian ceremony:


It would be a lot easier on my refraction module if our wardrobe came in more than two sizes: extra small and tent. We’ll be working on that during the balance of our first historic second year.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Phoebe Effect

Did you see the article in the WSJ today about the “Phoebe Effect”?


They tricked me too, because it wasn’t about that Phoebe.

Phoebe Buffay: No “Smelly Cats” in Big White, But Bo Has Been Known to Squeeze a Mouse Now and Then

But I’m glad they tricked me, because it was a really important article about another really important Phoebe: Phoebe Philo. It’s a little creepy, because there is an incredible, karmic symmetry going on here that you’ll see as we go along.


For those of you living in caves in Kabul - and I know you read my blog too - Phoebe Philo, PP as we in the industry call her, is a fab Brit fashion designer who made her chops at the top shelf French fashion house, Chloe. There, she single handedly created the gigunda-mous hit, the “Paddington Bag.”

padington bag

World Famous Paddington Bag: Could Serve As A “Lock Box”

With that success in her pocketbook, PP vanished from the show to “spend time with her family”. Yeah. Then, coinciding almost exactly with the start of our historic installation as the ruler leader of the free world, LVMH Moët Hennessy Louis Vuitton SA (LVMH) lured PP back to “transform” their struggling, “might as well be sold in Wal-Mart” French fashion house, Celine. See? She was installed to “transform” their image, just like Big Guy was installed to transform America’s? Kind of creepy-karmic.

Now you aren’t going to believe what Celine did next, but it’s in the WSJ, which is owned by the parent company of FOX News, and we know those trolls wouldn’t distort the truth no matter how important it is to our agenda. LVHM and PP literally DESTROYED everything that was there before PP arrived, at a ginormous cost!!! Just because they didn’t like anything there, and wanted to start over.

That’s EXACTLY what Big Guy and Congress are doing! I’m telling you, it’s just karmic!!!

So, as PP transforms Celine, Big Guy and Congress transform America, and MO transforms fat kids, I decided to transform Lady M’s closet – also at ginormous cost.

Now don’t get all wee-weed up. We are still committed to our belts, brooches, 3-sizes-too-small sweaters, upholstery fabrics and right-2-bare-arms, but we need a little something extra to mark our first, second year. And I think I saw what we were looking for in PP’s runway lineup.

I got the idea originally from a commenter at American Digest, where Gerard was sooo kind to link up my “Boob Belt Fever” trailer. Big Guy gave me a stimulus grant for making the movie, because he did find it stimulating, and “it saved 2 jobs”. I’m not sure whose, but I guess Desi’s wasn’t one of them. However, since my ethics module was programmed during the Reagan administration and hasn’t been updated since (no one else seemed that concerned with my ethics program), I’m not allowed to accept pork. So I’m sending it on to Gerard as a little gratuity for the “product placement.” Don’t spend it all at Starbucks, sweetie.


Anyway, the commenter suggested that Condi Rice might be able to “help” us choose the type of outfit to pair with our “semi-heavy metal studded black belts”. I scanned my hard drives and found the pictures from Wiesbaden he was talking about:

CONDI-1b.jpg copy

condi-2b copy

Condi wore this in Wiesbaden...Really...

I remember thinking at the time “Wow” then “Yikes!”. Who ever thought Condi could look that hot? Or that powerful? Mo is going to like this.

So that set us on this search which led us back to PP: and again the stars aligned: here’s what she put on the runway yesterday for Celine:

Céline's utilitarian, military pieces have swayed retailers to stock the lineIt’s even got a belt!!! Worn a smidge too low, but Wow!!!

Great start PP, but for Lady M, I’m probably going to double down on the belts and studs. You know, balance everything out.

neo-mo copyNeo-MO Strikes a pose

And now for accessories. What do you think: whip, nunchucks, or light saber?

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

It’s Either a Glass Ceiling, Or the Roof is Missing

We couldn’t find a single thing to wear this morning that would look good with any of our favorite  boob belts (although that’s not generally a consideration), so we had to go with this old Lanvin thing that we wore in Oslo last year. It was a magical morning, though. A special celebration for International Women’s Day. It must be another holiday for the little people, because around here, every day is women’s day.


Sheeze - If this is the best Big Guy can do when instructed by Lady M to “Look at me adoringly,” it’s no wonder he hasn’t rustled up enough votes for his healthcare bill yet. Not really his fault though, he’s really more accustomed to having people gaze adoringly at him.


I don’t know what it is: the new ‘do, a pound here or there, or maybe the missing signature brooch we wore in Oslo – but somehow the dress just didn’t seem to work quite as well today. When this happened with my former FLOTUSes, I would just ask them “did you lose weight?” and they’d know to look for something else to wear. But it doesn’t usually work with MO.



Anyway, today both Lady M and Big Guy spoke to the assembled props: Lady M first, of course (it was International Women’s Day, after all.) When it was Big Guy’s turn, he had a special acknowledgement for his Secretary of State: “Women like Hillary Rodham Clinton, who, throughout her career, has put millions of cracks in America's glass ceiling…”. I’m here to tell you that’s not the only glass she’s put cracks in, but I don’t like to speak out of school. Besides, when Hil was here most of my fractures were due to objects whizzing past Bubba’s noggin.



But I know what you really want to know: why the hell is Desi still hanging around the Big White?

desi does

Well, for starters, did I mention that it was International WOMEN’S Day? And apparently we still don’t have all of those security check point issues ironed out. But thanks to our new body scanners, I can tell you she wasn’t packin’.



 kerry and maddy

Kerry Washington and Maddie. Kerry seems surprised to see Desi here too.


Katharine McPhee came to sing for the celebration. I’m not sure, but it looks like she’s been rooting around in Lady M’s “last season” closet too. I don’t know if her voice is high enough to break glass ceilings, but even if she can’t I think Kitty Mac would be a good fit for our Team.

I’m just glad we got through this women’s event without anyone mentioning “Sarah-Cuda.” Because that’s one shattered glass ceiling we don’t believe in.

Monday, March 8, 2010

More Body Scanners In: The G-Block

Welcome to my brand spankin’ new feature, The G-Block. Yea, I know Ruppert the Rude used the name first on FOX News with that hunky Shep Smith. But now it’s mine.
The idea for this new feature was first suggested by one of you loyal MOLs. A couple of weeks ago, Cinderella wrote:
“In listening to 0 and Mrs. 0 I note their habit of dropping the "g" at the end of every word that ends in "ing". In honor of this obvious attempt to endear themselves to us as "just regular folks" I propose you designate a "Droppin' Your Gs Day" here at your site...”
I have the best MOL posse in the whole world. Not only is it goin’ to be big fun, but it will give you a better sense of what it’s like bein’ right here with the O’s. Do you see where we’re goin’?
So here are the rules:
  1. In the G-Block, any word with the suffix “ing” MUST be spelled “in’”. This is in honor of the articulate speech pattern of our POTUS and FLOTUS who are in the habit of sayin’ thin’s that way. I guess so folks can relate. I’m havin’ sooo much fun already.
  2. In the G-Block, we don’t ask questions, we “ax” them.
  3. Finally, in the G-Block, we don’t encourage your comments, we encourage “yer” comments.

That’s all there is to it. For now. Oh, and in honor of Big Guy’s historically articulate nonfluencies,  all “uhh”s, and  “um”s receive extra credit.

TOTUS has been doin’ this from the beginnin’ and he says Gibbsy never caught on. I’ll be lookin’ closely at comments in the G-Block so be on yer toes.

Ok, go here we go. My first post in the G-Block:


Just What We Need: More Body Scanners

Most of you know about my special, secret powers of trans-imagin’, that allow me to alter the appearance of people and thin’s (if not, here’s a quickie review). You have also seen (although rarely) here and on other blogs - and probably on FOX News - examples of the limits of my powers.

cripes suzette shotPhoto from that naughty Cripes Suzette

As an aside, I’d like to take this opportunity to pass along a big huggy to Andrea Mitchell and Chucky Todd over at super supportive Ms.NBC: “Thank You SOOO Much.”  You make my job of protectin’ the American people from this type of unpleasant imagery so much easier. Totally the opposite of those trolls at FOX News who actually seem to believe that people want to see objective, unvarnished reality. I don’t think so - if that were true, how do you explain our big win in ‘08???

Anyway, back to my original point. You’ve probably heard that Bruno is orderin’ the deployment of those nasty body scanners to all major airports. But you probably didn’t hear that she is also orderin’ that they be used at all future Big White fundraiser and arm twistin’ official functions. You know which ones I’m talkin’ about, the ones that x-ray through yer clothes and reveal all yer body parts and details. As if I don’t already have enough to worry about.

Bruno doesn’t want her bread to land butter-side down again, so she is orderin’ review of my request for a circuit upgrade which would enable me to trans-image body scanner displays.

At this point it looks like I’m goin’ to get it (the money is in the Unemployment “Jobs” bill that Big Guy just signed) but I’m not takin’ any chances. I want to back up my request with poll results showin’ the American people are on my side. So, once again I’m comin’ to my Gazillions of MOLs and axin’ for yer help.

Please vote in my poll early and often. This time, Toes helped me set up the vote count server “Chicago style” so I’m pretty sure I’ll get the results I want, and America needs.

For this poll, Lady M and I had a little run through at our new Big White body scanner. We wore our absolutely favorite belt over one of our white blouses, a nice sweater and a lamp shade. I bet it’s won of yer favorite outfits too.

practice mo

If ye’re lucky enough to be far sighted, you might want to take off yer glasses for the harsh reality of the next photo of the un-retouched body scanner image:






mo scanner-2-fig leaves copy

Un-retouched FOX News style photo of body scanner image

POLL Photo 1


Ok. If ye’re still with me, I think you will agree that we all need to have this circuit upgrade installed:

mo transim-1-with belt-fig leaf

Same MO, same belt, same body scanner trans-imaged with

circuit upgrade MOTUS axed for

POLL Photo 2

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Castro Is Stamp Champ !!!

I so apologize for the delay in getting my “Pick The Stamp Champ” poll results published. So many of you voted that our poll server crashed and we had to bring in the newly rebranded ATHORN (formerly ACORN) ballot team to hand count the votes.

They were really energetic and excited until they realized that the commies, who were winning a mandate in the poll, were all more or less dead. That revelation was, to say the least, disappointing. But they did finally finish the count.

Toes and Ax-man were pleased to see how popular the heroes of the struggle are with the voters and certified the results immediately.

I want to thank the tens of millions of you who voted in our little poll. Democracy is a blessed gift, especially when you get your money’s worth and things work out the way you planned. So, without further adieu, the winner is … Oh, I guess I spilled the beans in the title:

Fidel Castro

full mo castro  copy

I’m going to give you the complete results so you can try your hand at analysis. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a novice at this, but I’m learning fast.





CASTRO 36 87.8 23.4
LENIN 33 89.2 21.4
LENNON 4 10.8 2.5
K. MARX 24 63.2 15.6
G. MARX 14 36.8 9.1
CHE 33 86.8 21.4
CHER 5 12.2 3.3
Order of Finish:
  1. Fidel Castro
  2. Vladimir Lenin & Che Guevara
  3. Karl Marx
  4. Groucho Marx
  5. Castro Theater & Cher
  6. John Lennon

Now comes the really fun part: the Demographic Analytics! Most poll analytics focus on the voters. You know, you’ve seen Chris “Tingles” Matthews on Ms.NBC get “inside” the numbers of the polls showing our health care takeover reform or our cap & tax economic destruction enhancement plans are opposed by large majorities of those polled. Tingles will explain that the demographics show those who oppose us are old,  racist white people, from fly-over red states where people drink a lot of beer while driving their pick-up trucks and marry their cousins.

Since we already know all about you MOLs from previous polling, I thought it would be more fun to get “behind” the numbers of the candidates themselves. What characteristics (demographics) seemed to attract the greatest number of votes? That will tell us how I should be re-imaging our Team (to look like the stuff you like).

As you go through my analysis, I think you’ll see why, beginning today, we are going to start smoking cigars. We’ve already got the commie thing down pat.

Candidate Demographic Analytics

SHOW TUNES 51.33 79
FACIAL HAIR 84.44 130
Candidate Demographic Analytics Foot Notes:
  1. In spite of his many “leftist” views, his chicken-walk and well tailored routine as a wise cracking hustler, Groucho Marx is not believed to have been a Communist. He had a sense of humor, something commies lack. On “You Bet Your Life”, Groucho once asked a contestant with 12 children why she had so many kids. The woman replied that she loved her husband very much. Groucho responded “I love my cigar, but I take it out once in a while.” (This is not why we’re going to start smoking cigars)
  2. Castro Theater does not permit smoking. Cher smoked Kool cigarettes (like Big Guy) and we all know what John Lennon smoked.
  3. Favorability of show tunes is “unexpectedly” high due to the announcement that the new musical “Havana” will open at the Pasadena Playhouse in June, 2010. What’s wrong with the Castro Theater? Bad karma.
  4. Groucho’s mustache was grease-paint.
  5. Only Cher. Groucho’s first name is Julius…Yea, I know that’s a technicality, but I told you I’m new to this analytics stuff.
  6. This is why polling wonks get the big bucks. My poll was online, so reading the questions it is clear that only Groucho and Karl have the same last name. But if I polled you by phone, and you were, say a civics teacher in Detroit, you might think that John and Vladimir had the same last name. Because on the phone, Lenin and Lennon sound exactly the same! Go ahead, say them out loud. See? I’m getting better at this.

So what did we learn “inside” the numbers that can help me reshape your image of our historic Team to make them more appealing to you, the little voters?

Our ideal “candidate” is a cigar smoking Communist with facial hair. And it wouldn’t hurt if the candidate committed mass murder while listening to show tunes.

I’m beginning to see why we take so many polls and why we spend so much time getting “inside” the numbers. In the old days, before Team Obama, it was because we really wanted to know what you people out there thought about things and what you wanted us to do and not do. But now we’ve got “reconciliation” in our quiver, so all that really matters is what we want.

So go ahead; get “inside” the numbers and see what you find. There might just be a tattoo in it for somebody.