Hello.
Let me introduce myself. My official title is “Mirror Of The United States, to the First Lady Of The United States.” But now that the O’s are here, we’re more egalitarian and have dropped all that formal protocol crap. So Madam O just calls me MOTUS.
It’s perfect. It contains her initials, which she gets a kick out of because we call her MO, but she also thinks it makes me sound, well, smarter - like I studied Latin at Princeton or something. To be honest, none of the other First Ladies called me anything. But then, none of them had a fulltime posse dedicated to creating a “transformational presidency.”
Now that BO’s in charge, everyone here at Big White (that’s what we call the White House now) is expected to have their own role on the “Transformation” Team. For example, Rahmbo – that cute little cuddly guy that carries steel balls around in his pocket – he’s responsible for transforming the country into a socialist Mecca. I was hoping for something more like France, but I’m afraid he’s going for something along the lines of California. But I digress: MY job is to transform MO into a fashion icon.
Like my soul mate, TOTUS (Teleprompter Of The United States), I have a very demanding job. While TOTUS makes Barry (that’s what we call him in the family quarters) sound smart; I make MO look sharp. Since the First Couple is very tuned into such things as rhetoric, alliteration and reflective glory, it all works really well for them.
You’ll hear the MSM blah-blahing all over the place about how smart these two are. I don’t know about that, but I can tell you they are sooo totally Hollywood! And I mean that in a good way. It’s never been so exciting to be part of history– not even with the Clintons.
But back to my job: making MO appear to be a fashionista with that keister of hers isn’t just a simple Photoshop tweak. I know I’m no ordinary mirror. I’m a DOD*/NASA digital reimaging system, sandwiched into a Cassegrain mirror matrix. I’ve got a gazillion bytes of nerd-tech miracles under my glass. But still. I was really down last January and needed a boost. That’s when I got a call from my cousin, Earle, who’s a funhouse mirror in Paducah. He told me that transforming peoples images provides a much needed service, can be very fulfilling and an awful lot of fun too.
So, even though I had always prided myself on my perfect reflectivity, I switched over to the transformative software and just let things rip. I have to admit, it seems to make MO really happy. And the MSM? They just can’t stop with the “fashion icon”, “fashion forward,” “toned arms,” “chic” and “brave” kudos. That last one – “brave” – worries me a little, in the fashion sense of the term.
I’ve definitely gotten into it. After we did this spread for the New Yorker featuring Lady M (which she also enjoys being called, ever since that trip to England) I wake up feeling all hopey-changey and can’t wait to see what we have to work with.
It did take awhile to get my quantum matrix adjusted so that it worked regardless of what that girl put on in the morning. I’m not complaining. That’s what I’m here for. It’s just that I didn’t have to put in so much over time with most of the other first ladies. I did get some great coaching from Gibbsy, BO’s press handler. He’s got tons of experience with the MSM, trying to make the big guy look good. He told me to practice slimming my images, and suggested that I try channeling “Jackie” when I’m projecting MO. Apparently both MO and the MSM really like that whole Camelot thing.
Despite what you might read about a book deal, the only reason I’m going public is because of all the hateful things I’ve seen and heard being whispered behind Michelle’s back (ample, I’ll concede – but we’ll talk about that later). You know what I’m talking about: those catty comments accusing MO of not owning a full length mirror. Meoww! Not only has she got a full length mirror, she has MOTUS! My state-of-the-art trans-imaging, hyper-imaging and quantum-imaging photons allow me to make anyone, and I mean anyone, look mahvelous, dahling.
I’ll grant you that there have been a couple missteps early on, but nothing that crosses over into Joe Biden territory. And nothing a different camera angle couldn’t take care of.
I probably shouldn’t take mean-spirited trash-talk so personally. But you work your (or in my case, MO’s) butt off, and all you hear is “What the F was she thinking when she put that on!” and “Doesn’t she own a full length mirror!” Apparently there is a contingent of right wing nut balls out there bent on speaking the truth, no matter who gets hurt. What’s wrong with those people? Don’t they know that we have a new Emperor and Empress? Can’t they see their new clothes? Don’t they get it that at the end of the day, allusion and artifice is all we have to offer?
So, until such time as this rightwing fashion hysteria abates, I’ll be blogging here on all things White House fashion related. And these days, that covers just about everything.
Come back tomorrow for my official biography, and shoe shopping with Lady M in Rome. Heaven!
* that’s “Department of Defense” for you clueless fashion mavens
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