Sunday, March 29, 2009

Meet MOTUS to the FLOTUS


Let me introduce myself. My official title is “Mirror Of The United States, to the First Lady Of The United States.” But now that the O’s are here, we’re more egalitarian and have dropped all that formal protocol crap. So Lady M just calls me MOTUS.

It’s perfect. It contains her initials, which she gets a kick out of because we call her MO, but she also thinks it makes me sound, well, smarter - like I studied Latin at Princeton or something. To be honest, none of the other First Ladies called me anything. But then, none of them had a fulltime posse dedicated to creating a “transformational presidency” either.

Now that BO’s in charge, everyone here at Big White (that’s what we call the White House now) is expected to have their own role on the “Transformation” Team. For example, Rahmbo – that cute little cuddly guy that carries steel balls around in his pocket – he’s responsible for transforming the country into a socialist Mecca. I was hoping for something more like France, but I’m afraid he’s going for something along the lines of California. But I digress: MY job is to transform MO into a fashion icon.

Like my soul mate, TOTUS (Teleprompter Of The United States), I have a very demanding job. While TOTUS makes Barry (that’s what we call him in the family quarters) sound smart; I make MO look sharp. Since the First Couple is very tuned into such things as rhetoric, alliteration and reflective glory, it all works really well for them.

You’ll hear the MSM blah-blahing all over the place about how smart these two are. I don’t know about that, but I can tell you they are sooo totally Hollywood! I mean that in a good way of course. It’s never been so exciting to be part of history– not even with the Clintons.

But back to my job: making MO appear to be a fashionista with that keister of hers isn’t just a simple Photoshop tweak. I know I’m no ordinary mirror. I’m a DOD*/NASA digital reimaging system, sandwiched into a Cassegrain mirror matrix. I’ve got a gazillion bytes of nerd-tech miracles under my glass. But still. I was really feeling down last January when I got a call from my cousin, Earle, who’s a funhouse mirror in Paducah. He gave me a little pep talk; he told me that transforming peoples images (especially the POTUS and FLOTUS) provides a much needed national service, can be very fulfilling as well as a lot of fun too.

So, even though I had always prided myself on the accuracy of my reflectivity, I started running the new “transfomative” software and things haven’t been the same since. I have to admit, it seems to make MO really happy – being transformed this way. And the MSM? They just can’t stop with the “fashion icon”, “fashion forward,” “toned arms,” “chic” and “brave choices” kudos. That last one – “brave” – worries me a little, in the fashion sense of the term. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

I’ve definitely gotten into my new role. After we did this spread for the New Yorker featuring Lady M (she likes that nomenclature, makes her feel royal) I wake up feeling all hopey-changey and can’t wait to see what we have to work with.

It did take awhile to get my quantum matrix adjusted so that it worked correctly no matter what that girl put on in the morning. I’m not complaining though. That’s what I’m here for. It’s just that I never had to put in so much over time with the other first ladies. I did get some great coaching from Gibbsy, BO’s press handler. He’s got tons of experience with the MSM, trying to make Big Guy look good. He told me to practice slimming my images, and suggested that I try channeling “Jackie” when I’m projecting MO. Apparently both MO and the MSM really like that whole Camelot thing.

Despite what you might read about a book deal, the only reason I’m going public is because of all the hateful things I’ve seen and heard being whispered behind Michelle’s backside (ample, I’ll concede – but we’ll talk about that later). You know what I’m talking about: those catty comments accusing MO of not owning a full length mirror. Meoww! Not only has she got a full length mirror, she has MOTUS! My state-of-the-art trans-imaging, hyper-imaging and quantum-imaging photons allow me to make anyone, and I mean anyone, look mahvelous, dahling. Within reason, of course: I’m state of the art, not God.

I’ll grant you that there have been a couple missteps early on, still, nothing that crossed over into Joe Biden misstep territory. And nothing a different camera angle couldn’t have taken care of. We’re still working out a few “bumps.”

I probably shouldn’t take mean-spirited trash-talk so personally. But you work your (or in my case, MO’s) butt off, and all you hear is “What the eff was she thinking when she put that on!” and “Doesn’t she own a full length mirror!” Apparently there is a contingent of right wing nut balls out there bent on speaking the truth, no matter who gets hurt. What’s wrong with those people? Don’t they know that we have a new Emperor and Empress? Can’t they see their new clothes? Don’t they get it that at the end of the day, artifice and illusion is all we have to offer?

So, until such time as this rightwing fashion hysteria abates, I’ll be blogging here on all things Big White House fashion related. And with these two, that covers just about everything.

Come back tomorrow to read my official biography, and shoe shopping with Lady M in Rome. As close to heaven as we’re likely to ever get around here.

* that’s “Department of Defense” for you clueless fashion mavens