Saturday, April 17, 2010

Way, Way Above My Paygrade

Wow! I had no idea you could make this kind of dough from, ahem, “writing” books. $5.5 million! 


Maybe I should start shopping around for an agent. You know, just in case our hopenchange turns into a dopeforexchange in the next election cycle. Because frankly, I have a bad feeling that no matter what I say, the next guy (or gal) is going to think I was complicit in this reign of terror error. I wonder if I have to wait till the O’s are gone to write my book? I just don’t know how these tell-all books work.

Alternatively, I was thinking of asking Big Guy for a raise. Oh sure, I know I’m civil service. But even he must know that I’m operating way, way above my pay grade.

MichelleAirforceOne Exhibit 1: Lady M, after trans-imaging for date night







that's the power of transimaging copy_thumb[1]Exhibit 2: Before and after trans-imaging 

So here’s my argument, your critiques, as always, are welcome.

“Since you and Lady M are now making the big bucks - and I think $5.5 million firmly places you above “middle class.”  In fact, I think you now technically qualify as one of those “fat cats” - like on Wall Street? What would you think about spreading the wealth around a little, because I have 34 family members who are currently unemployed due to our jobless recovery who I’m trying to help out.  Or, alternatively, if you want to eliminate the middle man, you could just spread some of your extraordinary wealth to them directly (a really feel-good gesture). That way, you’d feel good, my relatives would be grateful and I wouldn’t have to pay income taxes on it before passing it on to them - they’re getting a bit high: taxes, that is, not my relatives. I see that you and Lady M paid $1.8 million in federal income taxes this year. That really bites doesn’t it? Anyway, I would greatly appreciate any small increase you could afford to pay me, even if it’s just overtime pay for all the special trips Lady M and I go on.”HOW ABOUT A RAISE

I’ve never asked for a raise before, so I’m not exactly sure if this is a good strategy or not. What do you think?

Just an afterword: You don’t suppose the O’s just ran for President in order to increase the sales on BO’s audacious books do you?

osaviorDreams of Valhalla; the Audacity of the Dope

That’s one awesome marketing strategy! Maybe Big Guy’s a  capitalist after all! At least the huge book sales explain all the comments I hear around here about the “cash cow.” I admit – I was thinking what you were thinking.

     232x437                  big butt

Friday, April 16, 2010

Adios Amigos. Hola Czarinna de Diplomacia

What a successful trip! We danced with the little children and told them to keep moving their fat behinds.

jump Lady M Dancin’ in the Street : Jumpin Jehosaphats!

We had an opportunity to explain to the adoring crowd of college kids that communism was the way to go, using ourselves as examples of how well that can turn out for you.

estudentesLady M, at the podium. That’s our flag, on the left. 

But before we waved goodbye to sunny Mexico,


we chatted with CNN and told them that the U.S. really needs to reform its immigration policy – which Big Guy would gladly do if those nasty Republicans weren’t standing in his way; preventing him from reuniting babies with their parents.  Lady M also told the reporter that the U.S. must reduce its demand for illegal narcotics, because that would help Mexico with its drug wars. I guess America really is responsible for everything that’s wrong with the world.

On the way home we swung through San Diego, (after a costume change) to check out the kale at a community garden plot  (not Tuscan – I’m not even sure it was organic) and talk to the people who tend to their plots there.


Lady M with Khadiga Musame, a refugee from Somalia, and Tsitsi Museta, a refugee from Zimbabwe, who just happened to be at the garden party.

Most of them needed translators though, because - even though we haven’t reformed our immigration policy yet - most of them were immigrants from somewhere.

We think our first solo hugging tour was a huge success.We left all the policy issues to Big Guy, while focusing on the “big picture” – communism, immigration, drugs, kids fat behinds and organic gardens.

odd vent sit on it hugs5 hugs6 hugs

  Big Hugs!

I think we’ve pretty much got this diplomacy thing nailed. Can you say “diplomacy czar?”

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Me Siento Enfermo (I Feel Sick)-Updated

I feel really bad about this post. I mean really bad, like my hard drive is crashing bad. FOM/MOL “Kathy N” pointed me to this Newsbird post with pictures proving that I let my guard down in Mexico.






I think you can tell that I was off my game here. Just look at the crappy quality of my reflections. It looks like my lens is covered with lard. Why did that word come to mind?

Too many burritos at lunch resulted in a garment malfunction (split seam) and our new SEIU luggage packer left our emergency repair kit on the bed back in Big White. And MO had her heart set on wearing that outfit.

Try to find pink duct tape Mexico, I dare you. They don’t have Casa Depot so we were lucky to find any duct tape at all.

I didn’t think the reverse-skunk-stripe look would ever go public. But those Mexican paparazzi are sneakier than the haters at FOX News and quicker than Speedy Gonzales.

Maybe it was last night’s margaritas. Maybe I should have insisted that they use bottled water to clean my lens. I am feeling a little woozy. Whatever the reason, my reflexes were way too slow.

Sorry, I apologize. I’ll do better next time.

Right now though, I think I need a spoon full of Pepto-Glass Wax and a little siesta.



I’m not sure what is going on, but this just popped up on my hard drive:

cinderella's red MO copy Cinderella Red Queen Trans-image request

Oh, my system is not right…I’ve got to go see Raj.

No Matter the Topic, It’s Always About the O’s

Busy, busy day here in Meh-hee-co. After hugging the disadvantaged little photo ops children, we went to the Museum of Anthropology with Margarita and had our picture taken under the Aztec calendar. Boy, I think I’ve discovered a huge new (capitalist) market for Palms, Blackberries and even the old fashioned Day Planners! And as far as I can tell, they still believe in capitalism down here.aztec calendar museum of anthropology Lady M and Margarita under the giant Aztec calendar

Then in the afternoon, a speech to thousands of cheering students at the elite Iberoamericana University. We had to deliver the speech in English, because we forgot to learn Spanish when we were at the Ivy League. But it was OK, since it was all loaded up in the FLOTUS TOTUS which includes language packs. We simulcast the text in Spanish for the kids to read along. It was pretty much Lady M’s standard speech to collegians: promoting the “social justice” agenda - so popular in the U.S. these days – and telling the kids how important it is for them to give back. Like she and Big Guy did:

232x263Lady M arrives for her anti-capitalist speech to the elite college studentes, wearing her Rachel Roy tapestry print mix media dress with low rider boob belt.

“Those of you who have a seat at the table must do your part to make room for others who don’t,” she said, holding up as an example of leaders who have risen up from humble means Benito Juarez, a celebrated 19th century Mexican president, and her own husband. (NYT)


"We must confront wrong and outdated ideas and assumptions that only certain young people deserve to be educated, that girls aren't as capable as boys, that some young people are less worthy of opportunities because of their religion or disability or ethnicity or socioeconomic class. Because we have seen time and again that potential can be found in some of the most unlikely places," she said.

"My husband and I are living proof of that." (WaPo)

Although she didn’t mention anything about illegal immigration, the drug cartels, the drug wars, or the tons of drugs screaming across our borders along with the illegal immigrants. She explained to reporters later why she didn’t bring up any of that icky stuff, telling them that as first lady she's focused on the "big picture," not policy. I guess that means fat behinds and communist theory.

Then Enrique Gonzalez Casanova, a Mexican sociologist, explained what the real issue is with all the icky stuff:

“The main problem lies in that a great number of young people see that their expectations about the future have vanished. There is a great deal of insecurity about what will happen to them. There are few job opportunities and minimal possibilities for education.”

I hope Lady M was paying attention, because from what I hear, that’s pretty much how our own kids are feeling these days. Thanks to her own husband, who rose up from humble means. Can you say “irony?”

Dinner was nice, too. Another chance for a wardrobe change.


Happy Tax Day Everyone! Brought to you by your Federal Government. Spreading the wealth around, one tax increase at a time. Cha-Ching!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Bunker Post-1: The Big Chill-Hil

If you can read this post, you are a FOM and/or MOL. Everyone else will see this.

I apologize for all the secrecy, but all hell is breaking loose back in Big White over the no-longer-supportive L.A.Times article reporting the results of the latest no-longer-supportive CNN (aka Clinton News Network) poll showing America likes Hillary more than Big Guy. We expect this kind of Hate-Journalism from FOX News, but CNN?


mo haiti 4 Lady M selecting “Poster Children” as “good examples” for her historic “No Child’s Fat Behind” program – None here

mo haiti 5






 How did that fat behind get in this shot? No, not hers, the guy in the blue shirt. Sheesh




 mo haiti 2

“Hi ... Come on in ... Come on in”

mo mexico 3 Lady M de-planing Air Force WON-2 as we arrive in Mexico City wearing our, “floral frock” as described in HuffPo  IMPORTANT NOTE:Yes, that’s right, HuffPo trolls clearly visit and steal from my MOLs as demonstrated here in the use, without attribution, of srdems “frock”. Come back little trolls and leave your thoughts, pretty please. (Sorry, I got carried away with this subtitle).

mo mexico 1 Big Butt hunting in Mexico City: better pickin’s than in Haiti

So anyway, Raj and Bo are in lock-down back in my secret bunker in the corner of Lady M’s closet doing a multiple-proxy, IP masked, encrypted post for me. I’m glad I restocked the hotel fridge with curry and snausages before MO and I started our historic first solo diplomatic mission. More on that in a minute.

You have to get “inside the data” to find the stuff about Hillary (Now you can see how important, and fun, my little tutorial on getting inside the data was). It shows public opinion has shifted dramatically since we bussed all those folks in from Chicago to enable our first historic win of the Iowa caucuses:

... 61% now think favorably of the former senator and only 35% unfavorably, both numbers improved from the 56% and 40% she had during the Democratic National Convention in late August of 2008 ...

... By comparison, in the same CNN poll, 57% of Americans now think favorably of Obama, down from 78% just before his inauguration; and 41% now think unfavorably of him, more than twice his unfavorable rating of early 2009.

Clinton's numbers also beat all other both Democrats and Republicans in the new poll.

Are they trying to cause trouble? What is the point of publishing this sort of racist “news”? All it’s going to do is get people thinking that Hillary might mount a primary challenge against Big Guy for the 2012 nomination.

hillary and bo Big Guy warming up to his future Secretary Hillary

Sure, like she is going to want to be the entry in the history books titled “The Racist Bitch Who Spoiled Barack Obama’s First, Second Historic Term As Glorious Leader Of The World”. Not to mention retiring our FLOTUS to pursue her modeling career. How will that be good for our children’s fat behinds?

Well, we’re not taking this lying down. Toes mobilized the Chicago  O-Team strike force and put in a call to Andy Stern.


Axe-man started a rumor that Hillary was on the short list of possible nominees for the upcoming Supreme Court vacancy, then sent Gibbsy out to announce that she is not on Big Guy’s list.

The O-Team strike force, already in action, sent a bunch of cheerleaders from the University of Chicago to interview for “internship positions” at the Harlem office of the “William J. Clinton Foundation”.

Finally, for now, Toes, Axe-man and Pluff-Po (aka David Plouff) are loading TOTUS’ hard drive with an historic and articulate weekend read announcing a major transformation of our State Department. They aren’t done yet, so I don’t have all of the details, but according to what TOTUS has sent me so far, it will start with re-titling the position “Secretary of State” to “Secretary to the President.”

It also creates the first historic “Diplomacy Czar”  who shall be empowered (I don’t think we use that great word enough anymore) to advise the President on all matters of foreign policy, and to oversee all State Department operations.

dianne von furstenburg

Do you see how important our first solo diplomatic mission is now? It’s not just about the fat behinds.

80% of Success is Just Showing Up. The rest is Mental

Lady M was very happy to leave on her solo Mexico trip. We can all use a holiday from Big Guy’s ego. He even started getting on my nerves lately with his latest game: “mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s made the world safer for all?” He never seems to get tired of it. It’s just creepy. Not to mention dumb. It’s like having Joey B around all the time.

So, we made a quick photo op stop in Haiti before flying on to Mexico City. The devastation was horrible, but Lady M made everyone feel better just by showing up.

232x282 Adorable kids singing and dancing.

whoa Whoa! Is that Botox wearing off already?

I don’t know why, but I just have a good feeling about Mexico City: Don’t we look positively radiant with Mexican counselor Deputy Director of Protocol, Maria Teresa Mercato? Mexico really gets this whole protocol thing; they even named a special deputy director who makes Lady M look svelte by comparison. Wow! that’s impressive hospitality.

maria teresa mercado610x

So we’re going to have a strawberry Margarita and call it a night. Tomorrow’s a big day.

Oh, one last thing. Lady M did call Big Guy before we turned in. She congratulated him on whatever it is he think he accomplished at his Nuclear Security Council, but she told him that next time he should probably invite North Korea, Iran and Israel. And she read him the riot act for bowing to China again. She said she doesn’t care how much money we owe Hu Jintao, Big Guy’s got to stop with the liberal ‘ethnic restaurant owner bow.’

Hu Jintao

We like the Ken and Barbie pose with Dmitry much better:

ken and barbie Don’t they make a cute couple?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Hola! Adelante!

Lady M and I are still busy packin’ for our trip south of the border later today. Margarita Zavala de Calderone is not exactly another Carla, but she does seem to love to hog the fashion highlight, so we have to take special care with our wardrobe selections.

gunbeltmargarita zavala

Margarita emulating Lady M, the hussy (Margarita, not Lady M)

Lady M’s solo trip to a foreign country isn’t a FLOTUS first. Hil went to China in 1995 to deliver a major address on women’s rights to the U.N. World Conference on Women, and when Laura went to Prague she gave an address on Radio Free Europe speaking about the Taliban’s egregious treatment of women in Afghanistan. And now, Lady M’s going to Mexico to indoctrinate talk to the children about how we can all work together for one world order harmony. I’m not positive, but I think this means open borders,and free health care. She was going to lecture them about their fat behinds too, but apparently that’s not a big problem there. Which explains why they all want to come to the U.S.: Big Macs.

So we’re loading up our iPod with our English/Spanish translation app (note to self: learn to speak Spanish), our suitcases with sundresses, sombreros and our favorite Mexican themed tops,

michelleObama03 20090508_obama_560 Par2663213 SPL105889_002

and looking forward to having nachos and Margaritas with Margarita. I hope Lady M remembers we can’t drink the water. Just in case, I’m brushing up on my Spanish. “Me siento mal.”

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Beauty is in the Eye of the Traveler

I’ll let you in on a little secret. Lady M never really wanted to be FLOTUS. Despite her Ivy League credentials and off-the-charts smarts, she secretly always wanted to be a super model. So of course it hurt a little when Iman told Parade magazine that “Mrs. Obama is not a great beauty. But she is so interesting looking and so bright.”

Swell, Iman. We think you’re “interesting looking” too. For a skinny  b***h.   iman-cosmetics-400a121307_000“When you’re a great beauty, it’s always downhill for you.”

Don’t expect a lot of sympathy from Lady M when you reach the bottom, honey.

Although, after reading what Lady M said in the May Conde Nast Traveler’s  issue, I don’t think she would have been very happy with all the fame and paparazzi that surrounds supermodels:

I would love, and so would the President, to be able to walk up and down the Mall … when there are millions of people there … She adds conspiratorially, “I want to get on the Metro.” (I  don’t dare tell her that there are a whole lot of people who’d like to put her on the Metro, too.)

She continues that being the President’s wife can be a pain – especially when you’re hungry. “It’s like ‘Okay, we’re going to that restaurant, and everyone’s going to get mad, ‘cause I’m there eating my hamburger,”  (again, I don’t want to be the one to tell her that’s not what they’re mad about)

But seriously, I think MO could have been one of the great black supermodels - if she hadn’t decided to sacrifice herself for the American people instead. Just look at all the things she has in common with them:

Like Iman, she’s married to a rock star.

fashion-graphics-2_1086816a  article-1090653-025D3606000005DC-143_468x568

While she’s never been arrested like Naomi Campbell for throwing her cell phone at one of her assistants, or spitting at a police officer,

Naomi-Campbell-21613Mo does know how to show disdain for the little people when necessary (like when she doesn’t get enough Crème fraiche with her beluga, or her foie gras hasn’t been seared correctly,) and she has carla-bruni_michelle-obama had “her days.”

Plus, both she and Naomi are known for their community service:

naomi-campbell-community-service article-1159792-03C26E33000005DC-117_468x386

And like Tyra Banks, she sometimes needs a little industrial strength Spanx to “stay on the runway.”

tyra-banks-fat-swimsuit bathing moinsuit12

Aside from that, I think she looks quite at home with the rest of these fabulous black super models:

imagesCAWM3CAKmichelle o photo


good houskeepingiman22

Iman michelle-obama-iman-split-2  Tyra-Banks-purple-2 nm_michelle_obama1_080707_ssh tyrabanks-harpersbazaar    michelle.glamourmag_250x340 610x-102 naomi's boob belt 

 20090407_mobamaoutfits_090223_1%20-%2032 portal-graphics-20_1157004a  20091228_mobama_091214 PicImg_Naomi_Campbell_takes_8ba4 iman_300x580   copen2 naomi 1 michelle-obama-best-of-03-de-71457374

Am I wrong? What - you don’t think they get help too? Oh sure, they don’t have a NASA designed high tech image refracting mirror at their service 24/7, but it’s amazing what you can do with just Photoshop and a little airbrushing.

So congratulations, Lady M, on being selected for the cover of this month’s copy of Conde Nast Traveler!

obama_newyorkercover Hiiiiiiiiiiiii! Come on in!!!

Just one more homage to you and Big Guy as the world class travelers you are. Or as they used to refer to them in the Village, fellow travelers.