Saturday, July 24, 2010

Summer of Splotches

Do you see why we need our own Air Force Won 2? After getting hosed at the Dom Perignon celebration at the shipyards:

hosedToweling off after getting hosed

We had to shower and change into something fresh for our attendance at Sasha’s recital at the Episcopalian Cathedral here in D.C. last night.

Because of our incredibly busy day, we had to pack a little snack to bring along.

mo cooler Lady M in her Rorschach test dress with soft side snack pack. Contents are classified.

Ikram got a special deal on all the spotted-motif duds this season, which weren’t as popular as everyone predicted after the tar balls started washing ashore everywhere.

hokey pokey-First lady Michelle Obama is escorted off the ceremonial plank by Northrop Grumman President Mike Petters[4]

Anyway, after spending a day in our pointy toed instruments of torture (created by the Bush administration) we changed into our comfy metallic flats to complete the  Summer of Splotches look for the recital.


Just so you can all plan ahead, let me give you a head’s up on our next big month. First, Big Guy’s Birthday party is coming up on Aug 4: he’s going to be 49! Seriously who would’ve guessed, based on his youthful naiveté? But don’t plan on attending unless you’ve got a spare $30,000 laying around. That’s right, and that’s before the birthday present, which I understand will cost another $100k per person. I guess we need a little more cash now that some of our Wall Street contributors are begging off and a lot of the people who paid to elect Big Guy in ‘08 are gun shy about getting their name on some list that the MSM is no longer able to suppress from the public eye.

But I digress. Then we have our final pre-vacation vacation on the Florida coast the weekend of August 14th. This is just ahead of our  real vacation which will be, as I told you, at some snobby, elite East Coast enclave where we can focus on lobster drenched in butter instead of pelicans drenched in oil.

I sure hope Big Guy get’s that damn hole plugged for good before then. We all need some rest from our vacations.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Tiny Bubbles, In The Brine

So, I’ll bet you were as surprised as I was to see Lady M bash a bottle of Dom on the bow of the fully completed U.S. Coast Guard National Security Cutter Stratton. Just yesterday, they laid the keel and the Stratton was only 20% completed. But MO let it be known that she wasn’t going to “any damn boat celebration” if she couldn’t bust a bottle of bubbly. So, our obedient Coast Guard Acquisitions Directorate boat building elves worked all night long and finished it up just in time for our ceremony.

Lady M was gorgeous, as usual. We wore a special outfit we commissioned for the occasion: a sleeveless frock (of course) with a grey “choppy sea” skirt, built-in ruffly elastic belty thing somewhere near our equator and a white top with rolling wave effects in rippling shades of blue, green and grey. It made some of the sailors seasick.

hokey pokey-First lady Michelle Obama is escorted off the ceremonial plank by Northrop Grumman President Mike Petters



Lady M and Northrup Grumman President Mike Peters Doing the Hokey-Pokey Coming Down the Plank

This was not our first boat launching, but it was our best. Big Guy once christened the new yacht of “one of the guys in the neighborhood” named Tony-something-or-other back in Chicago before we Won. It didn’t go so well. Maybe it was because Big Guy was pooped from all the partying in Boyztown, but after 5 or 6 hard swings he just gave up and had someone open the bottle and pour it over the deck. Not Lady M. She took one half hearted swing – just so Big Guy wouldn’t look too bad – and then reared back and bashed the bejesus out of that Dom on swing #2! You can really tell that this wasn’t the first “bow” she’s smashed a  bottle over.

1Lady M Knocks One Out of the Park 

Don’t worry, MO wasn’t hurt or anything. She just felt bad about wasting good bubbly. Butt she did get a case to take back with her on Air Force Won 2.

We couldn’t stay too long because we had to meet Bruno and some bald guys for a tar ball update. And Bruno always serves an elegant buffet. Work, work, work: I sure hope Big Guy plugs the damn hole for good pretty soon so we can all get some rest.

9Bruno Reporting Big Guy’s Tar Ball Count 

MO had to cut her remarks to the bone, but as always they were totally articulate. MO said, "I stand in awe of her life." Of course, she was white, wore funny uniforms and probably didn’t have the benefit of an Ivy League education, so I assume she was just being polite.

5 Lady M and Her New Body Guard, Bruce Willis

I’ve been nervous ever since I said I’d quit if the Stratton didn’t make MO’s butt look small. I’m a girl of my word and I didn’t really know how big this boat was when I said it. So I’m asking for your opinions.




Personally, I think I have a loophole, because we never got to stand stern-to-stern and I didn’t allow any rear view shots.



I think, just to be safe, I’m going to rely on my loophole. Or, maybe I’ll use one of the mulligans Big Guy gave me last summer.

Because I really don’t want to quit, I really like my job. Now that I have my own blog.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Keel Hauled, Stem to Stern

Whew! I got the good news this afternoon: JoeyB is heading to Alabama to manage Big Guy’s oil spill and attend a couple of low yield fund raisers in North Carolina on the way home. That means Lady M kiboshed his plan to go to Mississippi with us tomorrow, for the celebration of the laying of the keel for our new Coast Guard cutter. He loves to go to Navy and Coast Guard events and talk like a pirate. He really gets on my nerves.

CAP'N%20PLUGS%20copy JoeyB posing in his favorite “talk like a pirate” garb. Which, when you think about it, is an appropriate conceit for the O’s Administration

Butt thank goodness that worry is behind us, we have a really big day planned. We’re going to Pascagoula, Mississippi (Lady M’s been practicing saying that without an “h”) and it’s really going to be hot and humid. I’m not sure if we’ll go looking for tar balls while we’re here, butt I think we packed the tar ball splotchy outfits just in case.

Obama                 tar ball top

Strangely, the actual ceremony was on Tuesday, sans MO, when the keel was laid. The keel laying technically marks the official “beginning” of construction even though at that point the ship is more than 20% done. That may seem confusing if you’re not a government bureaucrat or a member of Congress. Think of it this way: it’s like calculating the cost of Obamacare  by using 10 years of increased tax revenues, but only 4 years of paid benefits (plus counting the savings from reduced Medicare payments to doctors twice - even though no Congress in the past 10 years has had the cajones to actually implement this habitual little budget ruse of theirs).

Anyhoo, Lady M got her initials welded onto the keel, even though she wasn’t actually there for the ceremony. I’m sure she’s going to feel honored. According to our Coast Guard Acquisitions Directorate (that’s what we call the people who build our boats) this is the first time a FLOTUS has sponsored a Coast Guard Cutter: another historic first!

And what an appropriate cutter for MO sponsor. It will be our 3rd National Security Cutter and will be named the Stratton in honor of Dorothy C. Stratton (1899-2006), the U.S. Coast Guard’s  first female commissioned officer.

dorothystratton1  Capt. Dorothy Stratton directed the Coast Guard’s Women’s Reserve, or SPARs (?), during World War II. I think someone in the Coast Guard has dyslexia, or something.

072009_stratton_rabago_story Lady M’s Initials Being Welded Onto Stratton’s Keel. The Boat, Not Dorothy

The Stratton is a 418-foot long, 4,700-ton Legend class cutter. Wow! If standing stern-to-stern with that puppy doesn’t make our butt look small, I’m going to quit.

national_security_cutterUSCGC Bertholf – Dotty’s Will Be Just Like It


The Dotty’s a more right-sized yacht for the lifestyle to which we’ve become accustomed. But this was nice too.

Butt, speaking of fat behinds, there is another reason why tomorrow’s trip is of vital national importance: Mississippi officially has the fattest behinds in the nation. They desperately require the benefit of Lady M’s  wisdom and coaching. 


I’ll bet they never even thought to get up off their fat behinds and move.

Oh, and did you hear the other good news? We’re taking another vay-cay! To the Florida Gulf coast – just like we’ve been telling everyone else to do! Gosh, what a coincidence: just last week people were saying we should be vacationing on the Gulf coast instead of some snobby East Coast enclave.

You can tell we’ve been working really, really hard for the transformation of America this year: we’re totally exhausted. That’s why, for the first time in presidential history (historical!) we need to take not one, but two pre-vacation vacations. Just for the record: our real vacation will be at some snobby East Coast  enclave.

transformers2 Transformers 2: Coming 11 – 2 - 10 to a polling place near you

Ball Park Wieners and Other Design Giants

The Baltimore gig was great. The Baltimore Oreos have a lot of hunky baseball players. Everybody reported that Lady M was going to throw the first pitch, butt in reality she let the kids from the Boys and Girls Club share that honor. She just did what she does best: coached. Besides, it wouldn’t have gone over very well back at the Big White if MO showed Big Guy up, with that sissy pitch of his. Best not to compare (especially with the new polls out showing Lady M is much more popular now than Big Guy: ouch! Not a good result in such a competitive home.)

We did change clothes between the “Let’s Move those Fat Behinds” photo ops and the photo op with the Baltimore Oreo’s mascot.  I’ve no idea why he’s dressed up like a bird, but he does make us appear petite.

first-lady-michelle-obama-attends-baseball-game-baltimore Lady M with boys and girls club props who actually threw out the ceremonial first pitch

Since we were in Baltimore anyway, we swung by Duff’s Charm City Cakes to pick up a little snack. Their cakes are awesome! Here’s the one we settled on:

purple sneaker cake Ace of Cakes Purple Sneaker Cake: reminded Lady M of her favorite purple Converses. See?

 mo's prl converse_thumb[1]

Seriously, how can you not love a guy who makes cakes with power tools? And knows the guy who drives the wiener-mobile. Although we try to keep the wiener wagon away from the Big White.

duff-big-bun-crew Duff in front of Charm City Cakes with the Oscar Mayer wiener wagon

Then yesterday was one of Lady M’s favorite events of the whole year: the luncheon for the National Design Award winners.

Mrs. Obama got a big laugh when she told the luncheon guests: "All of you have spent your lives pushing boundaries — we know a little bit about pushing boundaries — or just outright ignoring them altogether."

Boundaries, conventions, laws, the Constitution: they’re just guidelines really.


And she got a special kick out of being seated for lunch next to Tim Gunn from "Project Runway."

"How cool!" she declared.

Much cooler than having lunch with boring political figures like Bibi Netanyahu. Or the Dali Lama. They didn’t even get coffee. But Tim Gunn – he’s so cool! And, uh, all about fashion.

Compared to last year’s exciting luncheon though, this one was pretty tame.

national fashion awardsWe wore Pepto pink: top with ruffly things dangling from the hem and matching slacks. With a very special design thingy on our lapel. And we’re practicing with a new hair design that’s also boundary pushing: sort of  a deconstructed burka.






Before the luncheon, Lady M had all the award winners meet with 400 squealing teenagers for a “Teen Design Fair," where the young people could find out how the design superstars got their start.

"Far too few young people in this country have access to programs and opportunities like the one we did today," she said.

And it’s important to teach children how to become superstars - because we’ve already got too many engineers, scientists and accountants in this country who insist on asking pesky questions about things.

It was nice having the kids here and all, but you know what might be even nicer? An all-adult event around here for a change. But with Lady M being all about the children and their fat behinds and Big Guy being all about Democratic Congressional leaders and their fat entitlements, that’s probably not going to happen any time soon.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Life Is A Cabaret, Old Chum

Big Guy was ecstatic when he found out that Monday night’s White House Music Series was a Salute to Broadway: there is nothing Big Guy enjoys more than show tunes. He was really looking forward to seeing Liza Minnelli in person, so he threw a bit of a tantrum when he found out that Elaine Stritch would be performing instead. He doesn’t like to be surprised, or disappointed. Toes had to give him 100 free Show Tune downloads at i-Tunes to calm him down.


Another disappointment: although he was on stage with Nathan Lane for a couple of minutes, but he didn’t get to sing a duet with him as he’s always dreamed of. That honor went to some Broadway stud.

N-3 Nate with some Broadway stud, cheezing in on Big Guy’s dream

All in all it was a big, big night.  GrannyR got all dressed up in turquoise and the Wee Wons got to stay up late. There’s not much to show you because PBS, currently our only Tee Vee network, has the broadcast rights. So, as is customary when broadcast rights are purchased, or, in this case, gifted, there is an embargo on images. I, however, do have a few captured on my new “Mole-Cam”.

Let’s start with GrannyR, looking rather elegant. Too bad she was too busy back in the day to teach her daughter how to dress appropriately.


And here are the people who, together with your generous IRS donations, made this evening  possible.

wolfe-lion George C. Wolfe and Margo Lion who brought Broadway to the Big White

Hilda Solis snagged a second row seat, and no smarty pants comments/rumors about Lady M being preggers, just because our Secretary of Labor is on deck.

hilda solis Secretary of Labor, Hilda Solis (in purple)


61092121     61092094

Some of the entertainers, Kerry Washington and Elaine Stritch

Elaine got a little confused and forgot some of her lyrics. Probably just stage jitters. I’m sure she’s never performed for anyone quite as historic as BO and MO. After the show, Elaine said she’d really like to go out and “Get drunk” with the Wons. Who wouldn’t?

Lady M was resplendent in white on black, with some sparkly stuff in just the right place. I can’t show you the whole shebang yet because of or deal with PBS, butt you can get a glimpse if it in this picture:

mo checking on the girls Lady M checks on the girls

MO and GrannyR seem to grow more alike every day. Here they are both seen grabbing a snack out of thin air, first MO then GrannyR. Watch closely:

The Catchers of the Flies

Nathan Lane stole the show right out of the box, telling everybody how he was stopped by security who mistakenly thought he was Elena Kagan (who wasn’t on our guest list because she’s keeping a low profile until confirmed as a member of the Supremes).

N-2 k3

I don’t see it. Do you?


But since Desi’s no longer working the door, I knew he was just kidding around.

Nate really stole the show though, and he complimented Big Guy on his unambiguous and fearless love of show tunes. He said most men avoid Broadway musicals fearing that their “... y-chromosome is going to fall off”  but that the leader of the free world  “ain't afraid”  of show tunes.

     barry the wimp President Barack Obama puts a little body English on his shot during a round of golf at Farm Neck golf course during his vacation on Martha's Vineyard Aug. 24, 2009. (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)

This official White House photograph is being made available only for publication by news organizations and/or for personal use printing by the subject(s) of the photograph. The photograph may not be manipulated in any way and may not be used in commercial or political materials, advertisements, emails, products, promotions that in any way suggests approval or endorsement of the President, the First Family, or the White House.

Big Guy, unafraid, left. Practicing his high kickin’, right


bo-nathan lane “Not that I’m trying to boost the economy or anything but go to a show! Buy some tickets!” The work never stops.

So we had one night of fun before we were back to Tuesday’s unrelenting schedule of baseball pitches, minding America’s kids’ fat behinds and transforming America. 


Happy to be Back at Work for the American People

WONS The Smiles Return to Their Faces

By Tuesday we were all back to earth, and ready to talk inside baseball.

x610It’s easier to catch flies than fly balls.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Gumby Wore Shoes: On the Moon

I was backing up my hard drive when I noticed these pics scroll by. I didn't even see them last night, butt I just had to post them as confirmation that Lady M does, repeat does, still have feet. And shoes.

gumby shoes-1 Lady M’s Feets: Still On Duty

gumby shoes-2

It’s Those Olive Puppies Again

I still say she’s shrinking, because even with those 4 inch-ers she’s still channeling a Swiffer. I may have to check up on her calcium supplements. I don’t think she’s drinking enough milk.

gunby pants 

After the Broadway review and snacks, Lady M dazzled the crowd with her Tribute to MJ’s Moonwalk. No, not our MOL MJ, Michael Jackson. I wish I could show you the footage, but it’s been classified, along with all of the not-yet-photoshopped photographs from last night. Butt I can show you the original MJ routine MO performed. Please enjoy:

Walking backwards but looking like you’re moving forward: It’s an O-Team specialty.

Feets Don’t Fail Me Now

I had totally intended to tell you about something a lot more fun today, but now I guess I’m going to have to cover(up) this fashion misstep.

Do these pants make my legs look longer Could Lady M, like Big Guy, be shrinking? Maybe we should check the water at the Big White.

OK, let’s start from the top: looking good, portable hair in place and under control.

Pale yellow-green slinky fabric, check. Shoulders fitted correctly, lapels laying flat, check and check.

Erickson Beamon techno deco belt positioned somewhere near the equator, check. Sure, it’s Blue on  yellow-green, but it could have been purple. Or blue-green, like the toenails Lady M sported on Bar Harbor, so we’ll give the Beamon a pass.

Was3274992 Lady M’s personal green initiative

Let’s move on. Cleavage, tasteful (thank goodness), check.

Jacket: well fitted, longer hip and crotch concealing profile - check! check!!

Slash pockets laying relatively flat, check.

Conspicuous absence of big, gnarly, ugly brooches, necklaces and wrist bangles,check! We’re on a roll!

Shoes. Shoes? Shoes!!!! OMG! Where are Lady M’s shoes!? Who stole her shoes????!

Do I have to do everything around here? I mean, Lady M graduated from 2 Ivy League schools for crying out loud! Who needs to put ‘shoes’ on their dressing check list?

Oh, I’m never going to hear the end of this. I might as well book my annual maintenance exam at NASA right now because I’m sure I’m going to have some hairline fractures caused by flying objects that will need filling, polishing and buffing. And now that NASA has fine-tuned their mission and reshuffled their priorities it’s not as easy to get in for routine maintenance as it used to be, even if you are a DOD/NASA digital reimaging system. I hear unconfirmed rumors that you non-mirror units might experience this same problem with your routine healthcare maintenance too.

I’m just hoping that NASA can squeeze me in between all their new programs: “How to Halal,”  Burka Appreciation Week, Muslim Scientific Odyssey month, the Muslim Math Olympiad and the al-Jeezera Sensitivity Training classes.  

Monday, July 19, 2010

A Broadway Celebration of the O’s

It’s a good thing we had a vacation, because this is shaping up as a very busy week. But first, some pictures of our return. Here’s little Bo arriving with other “staff” – that would be Reggie and me on Air Force Won Jr.

little Bo returns with staffLittle Bo, prancing across the tarmac after our flight from Maine via Grand Rapids 

Here are some shots of the returning happy family. Wait, I’m sure I can find a happy picture. Well, maybe not. I guess they all wanted to stay in Bar Harbor a bit longer.

return of the happy family

Here’s an upbeat note though: In a show of solidarity with the American people Lady M recycled her Maison Martin Margelia shoes from last summer! It’s our nod to the country’s deep and unremitting  Bush’s recession. And the tar baby blotched dress is our nod to BP’s ongoing oil leak.

return of the nativesmaison martin margiela_thumb[2] 

Same designer shoes: Bar Harbor, 2010, Martha’s Vineyard, 2009: that’s good value

  return2Not happy yetreturnStill not happy 

Butt we must move on.

Today we’re continuing the Big White’s tremendously popular music series. It’s all about celebrating the arts, and the importance of arts education - because we’ve already got too many engineers, scientists and accountants in this country who insist on asking pesky questions about things. Anyway, dancers from the Duke Ellington School of Arts (where we took Sveltlana to enjoy American dance steps) and the Joy of Motion Dance Center (honest! that’s its real name) are coming to the Big White for an educational workshop in which they’ll rehearse a segment from the big Broadway show Hairspray – a preachy play set in the 1960’s about how America mistreated blacks (that’s what we called African-Americans then) and fat people: two of Lady M’s main interests.

 Hairspray Broadway Broadway cast of Hairspray

Then tonight, both Big Guy and Lady M will be entertained by real Broadway performers for a night of musical magic called "A Broadway Celebration: In Performance at the White House."

In other Broadway news – and this is huge – Andrew Loyd Webber is teaming up with Tim Rice for the first time in 34 years to do a Broadway musical about Big Guy’s presidency! That’s right, they’re  doing the Broadway re-make of the Wizard of Oz! And these two musical giants are uniquely qualified for the assignment: their other joint creations include Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Jesus Christ Superstar and Evita. Need I say more?

Also coming up today, Big Guy will be not resting (because it looks like Daddy didn’t plug the damn leak after all) as he meets and greets the WNBA Champion Phoenix Mercury at the White House to honor the team's 2009 championship season. Lady M can’t attend with him, because one of us must boycott Arizona due to their racist immigration law – which we’re going to have Ricky just deem illegal if we can’t get the court to throw it out on its racist face.