Saturday, May 19, 2012

“Birth” of a Liberal’s “Truth”

Four words: Liar, Liar, pants on fire! (I lied about it being 4 words.)

Well isn’t this just dandy?

“Why was Obama a birther before he decided to run for president?”

That’s like asking “When did Big Guy lie, and how did he know he was lying?” So for the zillionth time: that disinformation about Kenya being the birthplace of Barack Barry Obama was a “fact checking” error – you know, as in “I didn’t think anyone would ever bother to check the facts.”

Here’s the bottom line, this was all just a big mis-misunderstanding that started with a simple mistake that just replicated itself.

obama replicantThe Replicant-in-Chief

When Big Guy, known as Barry back then, filled out his first college application he thought they were asking where his father was born so naturally he inserted “Kenya.” And apparently this one innocent little fact checking error continued to dog him all the way from Occidental College to Columbia to Harvard and right on into the book bio (which was not an auto-bio) and his Senate run in 2004. And if there were any advantages to being an African-born African-American with respect to special treatment programs in place at the time, well, that would just be a coincidence. A happy coincidence, butt a coincidence none-the-less.

And just to show how these little “fact checking” errors self-replicate, just look at how many of Big Guy’s own friends used to be birthers! Right up until they saw how it might queer his Preezy deal. (I can say “queer” now, right? Now that Big Guy’s out of the closet on the right side of history, right?)

So can you believe it? One little teeny-tiny mistake eventually turned into this whole huge “Birther” controversy that lives on to this day. Thanks to the rightwing nutz.

The same sort of thing happened to Elizabeth Warren: she happened to mention to her sorority sisters one day how much she enjoyed Indian pudding, and the next thing you know everyone just assumed she was Cherokee – on account of her high cheek bones! Boy, if high cheekbones is all it takes to be part Cherokee, we might just have another little princess around here.


Could Lady M’s high cheekbones mean she’s part Indian too? Or at least part Brahmin, like Lizzie Warren? Or at least Brahman? Because aren’t they Indians too?

MO Dancer-1 copy

Anyway, I just thought you might want to know how lies about liberals get started.  

Anyhoo, I’ve got a little bit of housekeeping I need to tend to now so I’ll get back to fill you in on Big Guy’s sleep over at Camp David tomorrow.

bo and the antsDon’t worry Big Guy, all your little friends will show up. They probably just missed the bus.


Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, and tweeted by P M Daley, and anyonebutbarry2012 on GrettaWire, Thanks!

Friday, May 18, 2012

The Amateur and the Other Amateur

Four words: Amateurs, killing the messenger

No matter what happens from this point on, nobody can call Big Guy an Amateur. If, as we completely fear anticipate, he’s reelected in November, Big Guy will officially advance to the Preezy-Pro 2.0.

Butt even if (heaven forbid) the irresponsible citizens of this ungrateful country decide to retire Big Guy after only 4 innings, he will forever be known as the Former Preezy-Pro 1.0 (also marketed as the Ex-Pro-Preezy 2.5).

Either way, an amateur he’s not.

Practicing our good byes, just in case…

bo goodby compositeLookin’ good, no?

And as far as Lady M (also designated as Amateur #2 in Mr. Klein’s little book of lies) goes, let’s just say the Co-Preezy has plans for moving to the Tee-veezy, regardless of the outcome of November’s referendum.

mo entranceAnd now….here’s Mitchell!

As Clarice indicated yesterday, there are many  people excitedly awaiting Lady M’s new television show. Virtually everyone in television-land is pursuing us right now, and the Food TV people think they have the inside track because of all of their shameless pandering to MO’s No Child’s Fat Behind program:


Butt I’m thinking bigger. Much bigger - “Oprah big” in fact:


What more appropriate place for Lady M than on the “O” network? Even though it has fallen on hard times recently.

Of course, due to that little “falling out” that Lady M had with Oprah we may have to mend a few fences there first. Either that or get the U.S. Government to bail Oprah out (on the grounds she’s too big to fail) by buying her stake in the “O” Network out for pennies on the dollar. Only as a last resort would we be forced to launch a supremacy clause lawsuit to return the name to the rightful owners (which in the this case would obviously be the W“O”N). That case would ultimately be decided by those “two brilliant Supreme Court justices" appointed by Lady M’s husband, so I don’t think there’s much question about the outcome.

I HOPE if this all falls into place I might snag myself an associate producer slot, because I’ve got a lot of ideas for what direction we might want to go with Lady M’s new show:

mo talk show hostTraditional talk show

mo dance showDance party

mo fitness showButt-busters fitness program

mo food tvHealthy late night snacks

game show host moGame show host

And depending on what direction we ultimately decide to go, I’ve also got a few ideas for special segments:

Competitive Dressing competition

  • The challenge: demonstrate new, unanticipated by the designer, ways to wear clothing items: inside-out, upside-down, backwards, on a different body part, etc.

                  orange backwards shirtchinared3

Childish Physical Challenges

  • This segment would promote the kind of exotic MOOvement that kids used to get during recess before we realized how dangerous competition was to their fragile egos: sack races, jump rope, and hula hooping. Note: violent, terrorist training activities like dodge ball, tackle-ena and frisbee tossing have been banned by Bruno’s Homeland Security Drones and will not be permitted, even with signed waivers.

skippyFirst Lady Michelle Obama and kids double-dutch jump rope during a taping for the Presidential Active Lifestyle Award (PALA) challenge and Nickelodeon's Worldwide Day of Play, on the South Lawn of the White House, July 15, 2011. (Official White House Photo by Chuck Kennedy)

This official White House photograph is being made available only for publication by news organizations and/or for personal use printing by the subject(s) of the photograph. The photograph may not be manipulated in any way and may not be used in commercial or political materials, advertisements, emails, products, promotions that in any way suggests approval or endorsement of the President, the First Family, or the White House.

The Creative School Lunch Room snacks made from left overs challange

  • A competition to create new, healthy food items from products previously considered inedible. Each celebrity chef will be given 5 minutes to go through the garbage to salvage items that they will then transform into a healthy snack.

pink_cupcake1Mmmm! Repurposed Pink Slime! That’s good eats!

Dancing With the Czars

  • In this segment, common, ordinary folks like you and me (except that these folks will be rich, because they’ll have had to pony up cash to  for the privilege – and I’m not talkin’ the 3 buck minimum) will be selected to dance with Big Guy’s current and former Czars for real prizes. And here we’re talking about priceless items: signed pictures of the Wons, high definition recordings of Big Guy’s favorite reads on an official Barack Obama thumb drive, and more.


I’m thinking of doing some special annual events too: competitions featuring personal appearances by the Preezy himself. The biggest of these will be the annual TOTUS Throw-down, held on the anniversary of Big Guy’s historic, swearing in ceremony. In this competition, ordinary folks like you and…well - you know, like before - will get to challenge the Zen Master to a brutal test of teleprompter skills:

“Are you up to the challenge? Can you keep up with the scroll? Can you look left, then right, then left, then right, constantly cycling back and forth for hours and hours on end? Ok, it’s more like 30 to 45 agonizing minutes, butt it will seem like hours.”


Obama-Teleprompter-600x401Can YOU handle the TOTUS challenge?

Oh my gosh! I’m so excited…I guess I better get back down to earth for a while. None of this has been inked yet, and I know there are a lot of jealous people out there secretly hoping it doesn’t work out.


So I better not get ahead of myself. It’s just that I also heard a hot rumor that Lady M’s being considered as the replacement for JLo on American Idol next season too! Is that not inspired!??! Not only does she already know how to dress for the role:


She’s definitely got the JLo butt workin’:


And has she not already demonstrated her ability to pick American Idols?


So I say “bring it, girlfriend!”

oprah-winfrey_0_0_0x0_360x540I’m challenging YOU to a throw down!

We Can’t Wait!

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and Clarice on JustOneMinute, and sb on Weasel Zippers, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, and anyonebutbarry2012 on GrettaWire, Thanks!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Ever “Wonder” who’s Co-President around here?

Four Words: notch in the belt.

obama-umbrellaAmerica’s Co-Presidents: We’re on right path now, comrades

Boy, Ed Klein’s new book has more panties in a bunch around here than even Jodi Kantor’s did – and I didn’t think that was possible.

President Obama famously claimed to know more about policy than his policy directors, but he didn’t mention First Lady Michelle Obama, who comprises one half of a “stealth co-presidency” according to a new book on the Obamas.

It’s not as if Lady M wanted to be co-president:

Michelle Obama practically vetoed the choice of Hillary Clinton serving as vice president. “Do you really want Bill and Hillary just down the hall from you in the White House?” she asked Barack Obama, according to Edward Klein’s The Amateur, who says that a New York State Democratic Party official told him “‘Michelle certainly played a role’ in selecting Joe Biden.”

Well, maybe she did:

Joey B, proving yesterday that, well, I’m not sure what it proved. Maybe that the Dreams from his Father were just as good as the dreams of Big Guy’s? I’m not a doctor, butt it sounds to be like a little Prozac in his morning coffee might not be a bad idea. Joey’s, I mean.

Ed Klein, the liar, continues:

Justice Sonia Sotomayor owes a debt of gratitude to Mrs. Obama, as well. “The First Lady thought Sotomayor had all those . . . qualities her husband was looking for in an appointee,” Klein quotes “a confidant” as saying. “Barack has always listened to what she has to say.”

smoochies bo mo Can you hear me now, Buh-rock!? I’ll tell you which wise Latina you’re going to appoint to the Supremes! Got it?

And here’s a helpful little tip, in case you ever have to deal with Lady M: she doesn’t like to be embarrassed. You would have thought our (former) big brained Chief of Staff would have been bright enough to figure that out on his own:

Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel was almost forced out of his job by the first lady after Obama sustained the embarrassment of campaigning for a doomed Martha Coakley in Massachusetts, whose loss to Sen. Scott Brown, R-Mass., cost the Democrats their super-majority in the Senate.

“Michelle told the president that he needed a new team of advisers, starting with Rahm Emanuel,” Klein writes. “‘She feels as if our rudder isn’t set right,’ the president told his aides. When Emanuel heard that, he strode into the Oval Office and submitted his resignation. It was turned down. But by then Emanuel’s days were numbered.”

goodbuddiesButt don’t worry Rahm, we’ll still be friends.

So just who in the heck is Klein calling an “Amateur” anyway? It hadn’t better be Lady M, because she’s the “closer” around here. And as you recall, it was Lady M who had to fire Desiree, because she forgot to send Winter Holiday greeting cards to our biggest donors back in our first historic year. An unforgivable offense in politics.

desiree_rogersSeriously, only an amateur would have allowed Ms. leather-pants-and-stilettos to stick around the Big White after such a performance.

And it was also Lady M who had to deal with Oprah-Doprah’s attempt to horn in on the Co-Presidency. Honestly, some people think you can just buy your way in to the halls of power,


instead of earning it the old fashioned way.


Besides, she’s fat: what kind of a role model for young women is that? Oprah, I mean.


And those belts that Lady M wears? She adds a new notch every time we whack another one off our Co-President’s Enemies list:

notched V-Beltobama-michelle-belt1

Does that sound like an amateur to you?


Me either.

Linked By: NOBO2012 on Free Republic, and BMoney on Business Insider, and anyonebutbarry2012 on GrettaWire, and Thanks!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Obama’s 3rd Autobiography: Available Now @

Nobody can accuse Big Guy of not aspiring to be the best he can be.  Remember how many times Big Guy told us “We can’t wait”? Well, as it turns out, he’s not going to. Not content with just being the nation’s first authentically half-black and all-gay president, he decided he can’t wait for future historians to write him into the history books so he went ahead and had some of his greatest hits entered into the existing Big White historical book of Presidential Biographies.

Seriously, you can’t even buy propaganda historical perspective like this, butt apparently you can write it yourself. So what Big Guy had his team do was insert a little “Obama” into every president’s official historical summary of accomplishments since Calvin Coolidge; thereby updating the out-of-date 20th century presidential accomplishments to reflect the awesome follow-on 21st century contributions of our historic Won.

Maybe you’ve already seen some of our updated histories:

  • On August 14, 1935, President Roosevelt signed the Social Security Act. Today the Obama administration continues to protect seniors and ensure Social Security will be there for future generations.


And here’s an interesting historical factoid: when Roosevelt signed the original Social Security Act into law the tax to fund it was just 1% on the first $3000 income. Now it’s over 15% on the first $110,000 income - and we’re still running far short of what’s required to fund the obligation. Don’t worry though! In order to fix the economy, Big Guy cut the “payroll tax” rate (temporarily) by 2% (a cut he was against, before he was for it)! I’m still not sure how draining the money out of the kitty faster is going to “protect seniors and ensure Social Security will be there for future generations” Butt if Big Guy said it, it must be true.

  • In a 1946 letter to the National Urban League, President Truman wrote that the government has “an obligation to see that the civil rights of every citizen are fully and equally protected.” He ended racial segregation in civil service and the armed forces in 1948. Today the Obama administration continues to strive toward upholding the civil rights of its citizens, repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, allowing people of all sexual orientations to serve openly in our armed forces.

Not yet noted in the Big White big history book is Big Guy’s evolved position on gay marriage. Nor has this entry been included yet:

“The Obama Administration’s Department of Justice, led by Eric the Red, bravely dropped the 2008 case of voter intimidation against the Black Panthers, thereby demonstrating their commitment to protecting the rights of angry mobs that look like Obama’s son, if he had one, to intimidate and suppress the votes of people who disagree with them. Furthermore, by refusing to indict or even investigate the Black Panther bounty placed on the head of George Zimmerman, a white Hispanic from a swing state who does not look like either Obama’s or Eric Holder’s son - if they had one - Obama’s DOJ further protected the civil rights of certain minorities.”

Also of historical note is the similarity of head gear selections of Harry Truman and the historical Barack Hussein Obama:

truman-obama-helmets copy

harry and barry hats

Oh and I almost forgot! Like Harry, Big Guy has adopted and HOPEs to run successfully using Harry’s successful  “Do-Nothing-Congress” ploy. Hence, he will be issuing his 21 point Congressional To-do list later today, that the Do-Nothing-Congress will do nothing with.

Then of course there is the Father of the Great Society, Lyndon B. Johnson:

  • President Lyndon Johnson signed Medicare signed (sic) into law in 1965—providing millions of elderly healthcare stability. President Obama’s historic health care reform law, the Affordable Care Act, strengthens Medicare, offers eligible seniors a range of preventive services with no cost-sharing, and provides discounts on drugs when in the coverage gap known as the “donut hole.”

Thereby making Johnson and Obama, along with FDR, the 3 presidents most responsible for creating a deficit of here-to-fore unimaginable magnitude. Butt now that Newsweek has officially outed Big Guy, I think we need a new metaphor for “donut hole,” don’t you?

And don’t forget: Lyndon Baines, like Big Guy, was also a great lover of dogs.


bo weiner dog copy

And of course we have this historical update, now that everybody wants to compare themselves to Ronald Reagan:

  • In a June 28, 1985 speech Reagan called for a fairer tax code, one where a multi-millionaire did not have a lower tax rate than his secretary. Today, President Obama is calling for the same with the Buffett Rule.

It would probably be impolite of me to point out that the reference to Reagan’s speech was taken out of context and we’re talking apples and oranges. So I’ll just add this little known historical fact about Ronnie: he once starred in a B movie called “The Voice of the Turtle” which was a real stinker.


Big Guy, on the other hand, has often been referred to as a “post turtle” by his critics, butt at last check has received solid “A’s” from everyone, including himself.


We’ll do some of our other Presidential throw downs later. I only have time to wrap up with one more historical entry, this one a nod towards Lady M’s own historical contributions:

President Dwight Eisenhower established the President's Council on Youth Fitness on July 16, 1956 (now known as The President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports) after learning from a study that American youth were less fit than European youth. Today the Council is still going strong—with Olympians and professional athletes on board—working in conjunction with the First Lady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move initiative to help promote healthier lifestyles.

And sure enough, right on cue, there was Lady M yesterday hosting yet another “Let’s Move” event in the State Dining Room with soccer stars! And looking absolutely resplendent in her recycled Moshino blouse and one of her favorite Alaia boob belts (we’re looking to get the old magic back).

beckham checks in

You may remember this blouse from one of the highpoints of our first historic year:

bo mo bow

Remember? We were in Prague, at Big Guy’s first official Apologies for America tour. Now that we are 3, we can ditch the sweater and show the well toned guns. Something else the Wons have in common with the Eisenhower's.

mamie1Mamie and Dwight playing Scrabble at Camp David

h/t Clarice

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, and anyonebutbarry2012 on GrettaWire, and tweeted by Nika Boris, Thanks!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Rush’s War On Women (WOW) Earns Him the Bronze

Today’s Four words: lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered.


Big Guy had a very busy day yesterday packin’ the house at several venues, butt before we get to that, let’s look at some of the events he didn’t attend:

Topping that list was the super-secret ceremony inducting Rush Limbaugh into the Hall of Famous Missourians.

Also unable to attend that ceremony was Missouri state Representative Stacey Newman who whined that the placement of a bust of the titular head of the R-Words, who personally started the War On Women, was totally inappropriate and probably illegal.

Speaker of the Missouri House, Steven Tilley, unveiled the bust at an invitation only ceremony yesterday:


No...wait...that’s Christina Hendricks of Mad Men fame, wrong we go!

fileNdxoVtRush takes bronze in the talking head competition

Stacey and her troupe of “Proud Sluts” were also bitching that the Rush ceremony would diminish the solemnity of their “Sticks & Stones: Sluts Talk Back” event also held in St. Louis yesterday. Big Guy did not attend that event either, nor did he have time to “like” Rush’s “Rush Babes For America” Facebook page. Although I guess technically he would have to be a babe to do that. Maybe I can get Lady M to “like” it – you know, as a bipartisan, reaching across the aisle sort of symbolic gesture. Sort of like Big Guy’s endorsement of gay marriage.

Anyway, Rush wasn’t the only talking head honored yesterday. While Big Guy didn’t get his own bronze bust yet, he did pick up not one, butt two, new halos to add to his growing collection!

   bo halo newsweek_obama_halo cover_650

BO receives his 50th and 51st halos from Barnard College and Newsweek Magazine. (6 more and he’ll have one from each state.)

Big Guy’s day was jam-packed: first there was his awesome commencement address at Barnard’s Women’s College where he talked about Julia again:

"Until there are women who tell her ignore our pop culture obsession over beauty and fashion and focus instead on studying and inventing and competing and leading, she'll think those are the only things that girls are supposed to care about. Now, Michelle will say there's nothing wrong with caring about that a little bit."

"…Malia and Sasha are going to be outstanding women because of Michelle and Marian Robinson are outstanding women. So understand your power and use it wisely."

Granted, his address was a bit confusing and contradictory at times, butt that was either the speech writer’s or TOTUS’ fault. Ultimately BO made the save and managed to work in the most important point that Lady M has hammered home to him over and over:

“You can be stylish and powerful”


mo top chefthese legs don't match mo

and powerful -

mo yellingmo mean[7] 

Big Guy couldn’t hang around after his address to observe the graduates practicing their new found stylish and powerful skills, as he had to head over to the the ABC studios to film his appearance with the girls of the View for about the kazillionth time:

Was6470276I’ve been here so often, I feel like one of the girls now.

There he shared his thoughts on everything from Kim Kardashian and Snooki to his brave stance on gay marriage, proving once again that his big brain can span the universe of today’s important issues.

From there it was on to the Flatiron district where he joined Ricky Martin (who is now proudly gay, butt he had to be outed before he realized it) for a $5000/head fundraiser. Ricky told the marks guests:

"We admire his courage, like the courage he showed last week in affirming his belief in marriage equality. That is the kind of courage we expect from our president and that is why we support him."

Of course I’m sure there are many other good reasons why Ricky and his gay friends support BO too. Although nothing else comes to mind immediately.

Then, to wrap up the day, Big Guy dropped in for a much pricier fundraiser at $35,800/head(because the 1% can afford to pay a little bit more). This one was a dinner hosted at the home of Hamilton “Tony” James, president and COO of Blackstone Group, a large private equity firm. Yes, you heard correctly, “private equity firm,” like Bain Capital - greedy, job-killing, vampire capitalists. Oh well, it’s like they say, “because that’s where the money is.”

WILLIE_SuttonWhen asked why he robbed so many banks he replied “because that’s where the money is.”

Oh - and speaking of money – I just sort of found this factoid interesting: did you know that 1 out of 6 of Big Guy’s bundlers are gay? And rich. And on the right side of history. Whatever.

Our historical president: making the world safe for gay marriage. Because we don’t really have any other pressing issues this week.

Linked By: BigFurHat @ iOwnTheWorld, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, Thanks!