Oh Puh-leeze, Just GAGa Me With A Spoon!

Ok, this one hurts. Our polls are in the crapper, our “Purple Gang” leaders are talking about giving our Social Security shekels to the greedy capitalist pigs on Wall Street, our amnesty plan is DOA, our Crap & Tax is on life support, MO is “under wraps” and now this from MTV: “Lady Gaga Surpasses President Obama In Facebook Fans!” 

  Goo Goo Doll & Gaga

Yup, Gaga = 10,237,352 fans, Big Guy = 9,624,398 fans (July 3, 2010, 9:35AM).

And, just to add salt to the wound, MTV reports that LadyG

“...also continues to spank Obama in Twitter followers (4,762,938 to 4,422,923) and YouTube subscribers (311,716 to 191,562).”

OMG, the pain doesn’t stop there! Big Guy even got his tail whipped by this Guy (Family Guy = 10,398,534 fans):

Go Figure!

Although Big Guy does identify with Stewie, the “diabolically clever baby whose heterosexuality is hanging by a thread.”

A message from Barack Hussein Obama: “I’ve got you Facebook Fans right here!”

I know she’s sweet and popular and everything and a big Yankees fan, but people, PUH-LEASE!

 We’re #Won

You all know how thin skinned Big Guy is, so I don’t think he’s going to take this lying down.

Big Guy Gaga’s Callahan, McCain and Clinton

Lady M on the other hand, is almost catatonic. No, not because LadyG spanked her man, but because MO’s Facebook numbers are running an almost 9 million fan deficit  to Gaga’s. I don’t think even the Congressional Budget Office can turn that into a surplus – unless we pass an appropriations bill.

Let’s see if we can noodle out exactly why Lady M’s numbers are so low. Here are some pictures from the respective Ladies’ walls:

Here we see the Ladies at work:

Our Ladies show affection for their mates:

Our Ladies wear white:

Our Ladies in Blue:

Our Ladies have pets:

Our ladies play nice with others:

I don’t really see any big issues here.

I could use some help figuring out how to boost Lady M’s numbers, but I’m not really concerned about Big Guy’s: Toes has tweeted his SEIU “Purple Gang” thugs, who will be crawling all over Gaga’s concert venues. Her numbers will be falling in line soon (behind Big Guy) or there may be an unfortunate accident involving electrical wires and platform spikes. Again.

Don’t tase me, bro! Now we see the practical purpose of the leather chaps

And regarding Lady M: maybe it would help if she stopped riding Lady Gaga’s fans fat behinds about eating too many sugary, fatty delicious treats. Maybe then the tweens would be “Starstruck” with Lady M instead of Gaga, and we’d be back in “The Money Honey.”

After all, didn’t Madonna (the first of the “Our Lady” cache) Cyndi Lauper (correction HT: Madame DeFarge)teach us that “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”?

One Step Over the Line

Big Guy demonstrates our human right to step over border lines 

Lady M is still under wraps, literally, in preparation for 4th of July festivities so she didn’t attend Big Guy’s historic speech on Immigration yesterday – or as some people refer to it, The Comprehensive Illegal Workers Voters Registration Act.

A couple key points:

“Being an American is not a matter of blood or birth, it’s a matter of faith,”

Well, this is all finally starting to make sense: we really don’t need no stinkin’ papers! Or birth certificates.

Big Guy also explained how our  “resentment” to new immigrants is based mostly on poor economic conditions. (Which makes sense, as drugs, gangs and violence – a few other things about “new immigrants” that border states are resentful of - are all attributed to poor economic conditions too.)

“Now, we can’t forget that this process of immigration and eventual inclusion has often been painful. Each new wave of immigrants has generated fear and resentment towards newcomers, particularly in times of economic upheaval,”

So now “it’s the economy, stupid!” And we all know who to blame the economy on, don’t we? (hint: rhymes with “push”)

Big Guy went on to tell us that the border is too big to secure. Hmmm. Just exactly when did “Yes We Can!”  turn into “No We Won’t” Isn’t the concept of America too big to fail?  Watch it BO, we don’t want to be the new party of “No.”

But here’s my personal favorite excert:

Indeed, it is this constant flow of immigrants that helped to make America what it is. The scientific breakthroughs of Albert Einstein, the inventions of Nikola Tesla, the great ventures of Andrew Carnegie’s U.S. Steel and Sergey Brin’s Google, Inc. -– all this was possible because of immigrants.

See if you can spot the next Einstein out of these group shots:

Mexican Drug Cartel “soldiers”

MS-13 gang, Los Angeles

Of course, unlike Einstein, Carnegie, Tesla and Brin this group will need to avail themselves of our student loan program before making their positive contributions.

In other Big White news: the Senate failed to bust the filibuster and extend unemployment benefits beyond the 2 years currently available. To which our favorite Speaker of the House explained to the supportive press that Republicans (and Democrats who refused their orders) were so stupid they didn’t realize that unemployment benefits were “jobs creating.”

 Creating jobs, one stimulating observation after another

She said that economists will tell you that "It creates jobs faster than almost any other initiative you can name." Speak for yourself Madame Chairman, some people who actually passed Econ 101 could name a few things that might create more jobs than welfare programs. Like tax cuts. Or lemonade stands.

But ha, ha, ha, no one really takes Nan seriously around here unless she’s swinging her gavel at someone’s head. She may be good at head bashing, but numbers? Not so much. Remember? She’s the one who advised us last year that we were losing 500 million jobs a month when Big Guy took over. That’s an amazing 6 billion jobs a year! We’d first have to welcome an additional  5.6 billion illegal immigrants to lose that many jobs! That’s a lot of votes.

Got to run, time to reflect Lady M’s “unveiling.”

The Color Of Calories

 Alabama’s Azalea Trail Maids, The NAACP objected to the participation of these racist maids in President Obama’s inauguration

Lady M is going to be the keynote speaker at the 101st annual NAACP Convention held on July 12 this year in Kansas City. That’s the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People – the nation's oldest and most influential civil rights organization. I know, I know – we haven’t used “that term” in years. In fact some of you are so young you can’t remember it ever being used. But the group maintains its name out of a “sense of tradition.” Wouldn’t it be nice if people still felt that way about our Constitution instead of treating it as an anachronism too?

Symbol of what at one time was an honorable organization, doing honorable work for equality: now just another shakedown operation 

But here’s the official press release, from the NAACP:

The NAACP says first lady Michelle Obama will talk about her campaign against childhood obesity when she addresses the organization's annual convention in Kansas City on July 12.

Mrs. Obama launched her "Let's Move" campaign to bring attention to the U.S. childhood obesity epidemic. One in three American children are overweight or obese, putting them at risk of developing serious health conditions. The statistics are worse among black and Hispanic children. [ed. of course]

We are the ones we’ve been waiting for

So, the NAACP has come to this: at their 101st Convention the keynote speaker is going to discuss fat kids behinds? Not to dis Lady M, but apparently all the really important issues for the advancement of colored people have already been addressed. Maybe they should just “move on” and register as a lobby group.

But don’t look for Lady M to pass up any speaking engagement, especially to a large crowd. She needs all the public stumping creds she can rack up to augment her awesome Community Service background as a hospital administrator in order to qualify as the officially most awesome African American woman ever to run for President of the United States. You know - just in case Elena and Sonia can’t get the Constitution changed in time for Big Guy to become President for ever and ever, amen.

Meanwhile, Big Guy was in Racine, WI bragging about the fact that his awesome stimulus package has held unemployment nationwide to an awesome 10%. (15% in Racine: even more awesome!) But it looks like he was working at cross purposes to MO’s healthy eats campaign. Here he is, making a stop at a Racine Kringle bakery and sampling the local pastries. He chose cream cheese, pecan and cherry. No, not all together. I think the only flavor he failed to sample was apple. That figures.

Kris Kringles (secular Christmas treats): mmm, mmm, mmm!

Plus, he confessed to lusting in his heart for a bratwurst and cheese curds. How is it a man with such insatiable appetites looks so anorexic?

Exactly what is he smoking?

Breaking News: NAACP to file this morning to change their anachronistic acronym to the “National Association for the Advancement of Cellulite-impaired People” They will be applying for federal grants under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Elena: Super Spy

Does this woman look like a Ruskie spy to you? 

Russian spies, BP lies, recession reprise, energy bill dies, border policy unwise and approval ratings demise. So far, not a good week.

Aside from Elena’s confirmation hearings – which are playing to rave reviews – this week is turning into a real bummer. We’re even getting lectures now from Pootie Putin – he thinks our cops are out of control, throwing too many people in jail. In a sane universe, that would be quite funny coming from the gulag capital of the world, but in our world we’re probably going to have to apologize for arresting the Ruskie spies. But Pootie has nothing to worry about: in our country where freedom is valued above all else, we just put our Commie’s on the Supreme Court.

So thank goodness we’ve got Elena to break a bit of the tension around here. She’s turning the Senate hearing into a stand-up routine worth of the Poconos: even telling jokes about Jews spending Christmas in Chinese restaurants! It’s a good thing she’s a Democrat, or that crack would have been taken as a sign of insensitivity towards the Chinese.

Her habit of talking with her hands has been good for a few laughs too. Here she is demonstrating a) how close to Communism she thinks we can get without going overboard, b) how much of the Constitution she thinks is not subject to judicial activism, and  c) how big she thinks something is, but I missed exactly what she was referring too.

 

Meanwhile, the Interweb is lit up with contests about who Elena was separated at birth from. So far the front runners are Kevin James and Chas (nee Chastity) Bono. But the polls aren’t closed yet. Be sure to submit your entries as well. I think the prize is pocket size copy of the US Constitution. It may turn out to be a collectors edition, so don’t delay.

Kevin and Ellie

 

Chas and Ellie

 

Hugo and Ellie

  MO and Ellie

Thank goodness no one else has noticed the resemblance between Lady M and Ellie, so don’t mention it to anyone. The only thing so far that anyone has noted they have in common is the fact that they can both fly. Without broomsticks.

Lady M prepares for lift-off in Nevada

Ellie demonstrates her “I am woman, see me soar”  Superwoman stance at the hearings.

 

(more observations at Dewey)

Guns and Poses

Well that ruling was certainly a relief! The Supremes have reiterated our right to bare arms. As you can imagine, this is of tantamount concern to Lady M, who has been an outspoken proponent of the right, and has served as an example through her own wardrobe choices, of the right to flash those guns whenever and wherever you feel like it. Frankly, if this had gone the other way – well, I just don’t want to think about it. We’d have to get either an entirely new wardrobe or another thousand teeny-weeny sweaters.

Good call Justices Roberts, Thomas, Alito, Scalia and Kennedy! You’ve made life around the Big White a whole lot more pleasant. Those hot flashes are coming fast and furious. It’s a toss up for me, trans-imaging-wise: guns or sweaters. But I can tell you, it’s always easier when Lady M is happy - or at least what passes for happy in our world.

And again, I’m not complaining, but doesn’t that seem an odd group of justices ruling in our favor? The conservatives aren’t generally with us on anything, especially constitutional issues.

I thought you might enjoy a retrospective of Lady M exercising her constitutional right this past year – demonstrating once again that she’s constantly laboring for our agenda:

 

                  

The Justices did however leave open the possibility that the states can require you to register your guns, or restrict your right to bare them in certain locations such as schools, churches and bars. We won’t have to worry too much about churches, but I guess we’ll have to keep track of the regulations in all 57 states in order to avoid breaking any local laws. We don’t want to set a bad example or, worse, get arrested for committing a felony with our bare arms.

I do know of two people who really don’t believe in baring arms which, under the circumstances might be just as well.

It’s odd though, because at Justice Sonia Sotomayor’s confirmation hearings, she was specifically asked if she believed in the right to bare arms and she answered "Yes, most definitely;" but then, strangely, she voted against it yesterday. I’m not sure which time she mis-misunderstood the question. I bet someone’s going to ask Elena the same question at her hearing. And I bet she answers it the same way as Sonia did. These are some really smart ladies, and they learned how to triangulate and compartmentalize back in the eighties.

What? Oh.This is embarrassing. Raj just told me the Supreme Court ruling was on the right to bear arms. Nevermind.

Kiboshing HT: Claire at SondraK