Saturday, April 3, 2010

Wholly Saturday

I really don’t think this type of reporting, especially on a holiday-with-a-small-h-weekend, is really necessary. But since a commenter has already linked this un-retouched photo, (Hanes? Hmmmm. Any connection to Hanes Bodywear? Or is that just a coincidence?) I might as well post it myself. Maybe, just maybe, Lady M will learn not to leave me behind (so to speak) on her next speaking engagement. Of course I suppose this means I’ll never get Good Better Friday off again. But then, everyone in the Big White has to sacrifice for the American people.

big butt Maybe it’s time for a Brazilian Butt Lift?


Let’s face it, sometimes everyone could use a little lift.








Jessica Simpson, after her Brazilian Butt Lift. Note how it was artfully rearranged to help support her surgically enhanced hooters. Nice boob belt too.

I understand there is another confession and absolution service this evening. I suppose I should go again.

Friday, April 2, 2010

More Spanx, Please

Because it’s Good Friday, and I’m going to go to confession later anyway, I thought I would post this unfortunate incident from this morning that I know absolutely nothing – nothing – about:

more spanx, please Lady M visits the United States Trade Representatives office today in her extra-long Speedo. But it is a pretty color.

You’re going to hear about it anyway.

Note: Google Blogger has been experiencing problems today. If your comments aren’t posting, that’s why. I think it’s the Chinese.

Getting Back to our Roots

I just found out we won’t be attending Good Friday services today. We, considerately, don’t wish to disrupt the services for the others you know.

Instead, we had a Druid celebration earlier this week, in conjunction with the planting of our our second annual organic Victory garden. You remember when we planted our first Victory over for the American people last year in our fashionable black boob-belted tunic thingy with boots?

rake garden09

This year, for our second annual Victory over for the American people, the weather was a little warmer, so we wore a lighter weight black ensemble. Remind me to tell Lady M next year that black is not the most practical color to wear for playing in the mud:

dirt on leg What do you think of our new Spanx push-up bra? For those few occasions where boob-belts are not appropriate.

And while I’ve seen a lot since I began to serve the American people in the Big White, I’ve got to tell you, this is the first time I’ve witnessed a dance to rhubarb;

rhubarb dancePraise be the Rhubarb!

I guess it’s some kind of multi-cultural Rite of Spring, minus the Stravinsky.

rhubarb dance2The Rhubarb fertility dance

Here’s our Mod Squad of health, marching towards Victory over for the American people: the High Priestess flanked by her manservant Tom Vilsack, and sacrificial lamb Kitty Sebelius:

tom vilsack kathleen sebelius

And while I’m all in favor of everyone having their own organic garden, in this economy I don’t think everyone is going to be able to afford to hire enough illegal aliens to do all that composting, watering and weeding. 2010-04-01-MICHELLEOBAMA



Lady M, wrangling with what looks like a giant centipede. Turns out it’s just a flat of organic rutabaga seedlings.





We’re already planning  next year’s Big White Food TV special. Of course we hope to use our own veggies this time.

peeps show_thumb[3]

Oh, and I know you’re curious about our Keds:


Standard issue, size 13.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Spring Roll Run-Through in 30 Seconds, with Peeps

It’s not until next Monday, but we started preparations for the annual Easter Egg Roll (can I still call it that, or is a Spring Roll now?) today.

peeps showPhoto from Wapo Peeps Show IV (#11)      HT Pundette

We had a little run-through with a bunch of the the staff’s kids. You remember how Lady M likes to greet little kids when they come to visit us at the Big White don’t you? Well, it looks like we’re going to have to work on her initial welcome before the actual Spring Roll. Lady M doesn’t want to scare the little children. Again.

Let’s just say the run through could have gone smoother. First of all, as you know, Lady M is just coming off her latest Botox treatment, and I guess some of the children didn’t recognize her. I don’t think it had anything to do with the boob belt. But you know how it is with kids - once one of them gets all hyper on you, the hysteria just spreads like chicken pox. The actual video was a little too ugly to use, in fact it’s been confiscated by the Secret Service. So I’ve staged a little re-enactment with Peeps to show you the sequence of events:

Warning: the kids are really LOUD. May need to turn volume down if you’re at work. Or if you have sensitive ears.

I’m sure we’ll have everything ironed out by Monday. Although I’m still not sure the wooden eggs in place of candy eggs are going to go over very well.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Flexing our Frozen Muscles

I’m not saying that Lady M was suffering with a bad Botox-reaction for the past few days. Nor am I saying that she suffered any other unintended results related to superficial cosmetic surgery. But I can tell you that Pete is still not ready to release his pictures from last night’s dinner with Sarko and the lovely Carla. (Who has, thankfully, packed up all her perky little outfits along with her little penguin husband and gone home.)

cala teal  

 mo burka carla look WM copyBut don’t worry about missing anything. There wasn’t much of Lady M to see anyway, since yesterday was her own biennial  multi-culturalism observance day:  she wore her hijab to dinner. The menu was superfluous, since it’s pretty hard to eat anything while wearing one of those numbers.

Recognize these eyes? Carla did. If not, check the very top of my blog.

But as they say, what a difference a day makes! One extra night’s beauty sleep, and Lady M was looking pretty tight and smooth - albeit still a tad puffy – and ready once again to get out there to sacrifice for the American people.

So this morning we were off to speak at the Big White’s Council on Women and Girls' Forum on Workplace Flexibility.

It looks to me like everything is settling in quite nicely. What do you think?

council on women and girls forum                           

checks mo accepts nicks big help award

    Wednesday: 3/31                    Tape for Nick Award: 3/24

We’re all about flexibility in the workplace – with the exception of those pesky forehead and cheek muscles. Those we want frozen into submission. Actually, that works out best with our little people too.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The French are Different than You and Me

Well dear readers, you nailed it. There will be no press at the French Connection dinner this evening: just “official” Big White photographer Peter Souza. I think we all know what that means: all photos will have to be pre-approved - because of our transparency policy.

And while I know you’re anxious to hear about the dinner, we just have to wait until Pete get’s done with his “work." As I mentioned before, he’s not the sharpest Photoshop techie around. But he’s from Chicago, and he follow orders well.

But there was other news today. Starting early this morning; it was Groundhog day all over again. Honestly, I think Big Guy has milked this signing of the Obamacare bill for all it’s worth. This is like, what, the 12th time he’s inked it?  Lincoln only had to sign the Emancipation Declaration once. FDR only signed the Social Security Bill once. What’s up with Big Guy? Do we not have enough photo-ops around here?

ground hog daySigning the Healthcare and Education Bill, March 30, 2010. Note Big Guy’s lavender tie, color coordinated with Nancy’s suit and necklace in a deeper shade of purple.

 march 23 signing

Signing the Healthcare Bill, March 23, 2010. Here our tie is coordinated with Mini-Me’s and Nancy’s eyes.




Also earlier today Big Guy did a joint presser with Nicky. They did not coordinate their ties. I think Nicky’s listening to one of BO’s speeches on his iPod: better than the real thing.

watchout lavender tie alert


nancy practicing bows to head of state Sarko also met with the powerful House Majority leader this morning. Not satisfied  being the most powerful woman in the country, she might be thinking about running for president and upping that to the most powerful woman in the “whole world." It does look like she’s practicing bowing to foreign heads of state, which would be a big plus. After all, she did learn from the master:

Obama-bows-his-head-before-Queen-Pelosi Big Guy bows to the most powerful woman in the country. Unclear why, but then it always is.

Before the presser, Sarko and Carla went to lunch at Ben’s Chili Bowl on U Street. You are not going to believe this – but Carla ate two half-smokes! That’s right! Two hot dogs! For lunch! Don’t believe what you read elsewhere, I got this straight from Doris, and she waited on them so she should know. (She also said Nicky left a C-note for a tip. I don’t think Big Guy has ever left a C-note. But then, he just saw one for the first time a few years ago.) I’m still trying to figure out how Carla can do that and stay so skinny. Maybe she’ll just pick at her dinner tonight. I’ll bet she heard what we’re serving.

Here she is leaving Ben’s. I must say, those half-smokes seem to agree with her. What is it about those French women?

nicky and carla at bensrl sarko_bruni_dc

And yesterday, the Sarks went to Columbia where Nicky gave a speech:


No wonder Lady M hates her.

I’ll get back to you about the dinner when ever Pete’s done messing around with his pictures.

Carla Has Left the Building

Damn! Apparently Carla’s Botox is starting to settle down and the collagen is settling in, or whatever Madame DeFarge says it does. See for yourself:

carla post botoxHere’s the wench in New York today with Nicky and she looks fresh as a flower in the spring rain – and skinny too. Lady M is not going to be happy about this. I just hope she wears underwear to dinner tonight. Carla, that is, not Lady M - I already know that the first layer we’re laying down resembles a rubberized skin divers suit. And you people wonder why we always go sleeveless in the middle on winter? Have you any idea how hot Lycra is?

carla at juliard Carla at Julliard, looking over some of Bach’s music

As you probably know, things have been a bit testy between Big Guy and Nicky, ever since last summer when the O’s blew off the Sarkozy’s invitation to dine with them in the  French Presidential Palace. Apparently the O’s had one of their big date nights planned in the City of Lights instead. I’m no protocol expert, but that just seems bad manners to me.

So, ever since, Nicky’s been kind of poking a stick in Big Guy’s eye whenever he gets an opportunity. I hope they can patch it up tonight because we really love those little Frogs. And Lady M would love to go to Paris again to pick up a few things. So keep your fingers crossed that everything goes well.

It’s a good thing they didn’t come for dinner last night. We had our 3rd annual Seder dinner. I don’t think having them over for a “Passover dinner” would have been a good idea – since that’s already a sore point with the S’s.

obamasederx-wide-community Which doesn’t belong, and why?

In addition to the traditional Seder plate and 4 cups of wine, there was gefilte fish, chicken soup with matzo balls, braised beef brisket, chicken roast, sweet potato and carrot tzimmes, carrot souffle, kugel and spring asparagus. And for dessert: flourless chocolate cake, golden apricot cake and brown sugar macaroons rounded out the bounty. Lady M was still on her 3-day detox in order to look her best for tonight, so all she had was the bitter herbs – oh, and the wine, of course.

Its amazing isn’t it, how Big Guy adapts to the various religions of the world? But he has a special affinity for Passover - which he’s been celebrating with his Jewish staffers since 2008 when he stumbled into their Seder uninvited. He especially likes the telling of the story of the Jews deliverance from the bondage and slavery of Egypt: out of darkness into the promised land. It makes me wonder, though, why Big Guy isn’t just a bit more sympathetic towards the plight of Israel? At a minimum, I would’ve thought he could have invited BB to stay for dinner. What can I say, Big Guy is a walking contradiction, wrapped in a paradox. Apparently many find that charming in a politician.

I’ll be back later to fill you in on the “battle of the First Wives club.” Lady M will finally emerge from under her wraps. So to speak.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Bloodsuckers, Blimps, Botox and Bozo. Oh My!

So here’s all I’ve got for you today: Lady M and Big Guy lost the Nickelodeon People’s Choice Award for “cutest couple” to Taylor Lautner and Twilight co-star Kristen Stewart.

ex_taylor_lautner_kristen_stewartFine. Although I do want to raise a few issues: a) they’re not a real couple, they just play one on TV  b) they’re like - what? - 13?  c) neither of them are even half African American and d) unlike the O’s, again, they just play blood-sucking vampires on TV. What’s wrong with those stupid kids who voted anyway? Don’t they know a historic presidency when they see it? 

At least we snagged the “Big Help” award. And that’s better than being just cute anyway, right? We wore one of our lovely argyle sweaters. You might recognize it from last year’s spring trip to visit the Queen. If it’s good enough for the Queen, it’s good enough for Nickelodeon. And see: it still fits. If by “fits” you mean 13 year old Kirsten Stewart.

why isn't this orange Lady M graciously accepts her Nickelodeon award remotely. I don’t know why hers isn’t orange. It looks more like a cocktail shaker in silver. Or a torpedo.

In other news, the wraps and Botox aren’t turning out quite as well as we’d hoped, but there’s good news: Carla’s Botox turned out even worse.

  mo accepts nicks big help awardyikes carla


She actually looks like she could play Kirsten’s blood-sucking vampire mom on Twilight. Although she does look better behind her giant Dior goggles:


carla2Carla arrives in New York Sunday.

Meanwhile, Big Guy flew off to Afghanistan without telling Lady M about it, which is never a good idea.She wouldn’t have gone with him anyway, but she likes being able to tell him how much she’s done for the country, and how exhausted she is with all of her responsibilities, and how inconsiderate he is to even ask her to do more.

There will be hell to pay when he gets back.

He did have a great time greeting the troops in his flight jacket though:

i cn't hear you Is it just me, or is Big Guy starting to look like Dr. Spock? Except for the ears, of course.



He’s not a real  Starfleet Commander in Chief, but he does play one in Washington. Remind me to tell you what Big Guy thinks the Prime Objective is someday. You’ll get a real kick out of it.