Saturday, September 19, 2009

Yo Ho Ho. I’ll Need a Bottle of Rum. Joey B and Bags Celebrate “Talk Like A Pirate” Day

I’m sorry to report that I now know what was going on with Joey B the other day when he Tweeted me, wanting to know if Lady M and I had our wench outfits picked out for Saturday.

It’s a long story, but it all started when we were vacationing out on Martha’s Vineyard. Sigh. What a great vacation: warm days, cool nights, hours spent deciding what Lady M would choose to wear to the Camelot funeral. The King is dead! Long live the King! But I digress.

It seems the trouble began when Joey B and Bags ( that’s our new nickname for Gibsy, ever since Rush Limbaugh started calling him “Bagdad Bob.”) were pal-ing around on the island. They stopped at a bar in Edgartown, where some bartender acted stupidly and told the two of them that Sept 19th is official “Talk Like A Pirate Day”. I wish I were making this up.

The two of them have been practicing ever since we got back. It’s been driving everyone around here freakin’ nuts. As I explained previously, Team Obama doesn’t even like to talk about pirates, let alone talk like them. It’s bad enough that we have to talk to them.

Bo and the pirate

And yet, for 3 weeks now Joey B has been referring to himself as Cap’n Plugs, and Bags as Cap’n Treacle. For the life of me I can’t imagine why, but Big Guy actually gave these two dolts a couple of “Talk Like a Pirate” videos here, and here and told them they could practice with TOTUS – who, as you might imagine, is not thrilled.

So for days on end we have endured the likes of this:

Joey B: “Ahoy Cap’n Treacle, what be ye intendin’ fer them scurvy dogs on Cap’n Rupert’s swaggy FOX?”

Baggy: “Arrr, Cap’n Plugs, I be intendin’ ta keelhaul them scurvy sons of a biscuit eater, then I be sendin’ the lot-o’ them ta Davey Jones’ Locker.”

Both: “Arrr Arrr Arrr!”

And these were the guys making fun of Sarah Palin for dropping her g’s? I think she could probably swab the deck with those two. Or hog-tie them, which might be nice too.

But this morning was the last straw. They started calling TOTUS “swabbie” and me their “salty little wench”. I put a stop to that by threatening to micro-refract their already meager treasure pouches.

You owe me one “T”.

For those of you out there who want to join in their festivities (and if you do…please stop visiting my blog) I’ve included the “Pirate Dictionary” that Joey B and Bags emailed everyone in the Big White last night.

I cannot wait to leave for Copenhagen. They do not celebrate “Talk Like a Pirate Day” there.wacky danes Although, they have there own issues.

Friday, September 18, 2009

White House Pirate Talkin' Dictionary

Ahoy salty dogs an’ wenches aboard me furner “Big White”. By order of Cap’n Plugs an’ Cap’n Treacle, today be “Talk Like a Pirate Day” an’ no speakin’ the king’s own be permitted. Here be yer talkin’ points fer the day:

  • Ahoy: Hey!
  • Avast: Stop!
  • Aye: Yes
  • Black spot: to be 'placin' the black spot' be markin' someone for death.
  • Booty: treasure
  • Buccanneer: a pirate who be answerin' to no man or blasted government.
  • By the Powers!: an exclamation, uttered by Long John Silver in Treasure Island!
  • Cat o' nine tails: whip for floggin' mutineers
  • Corsair: a pirate who be makin' his berth in the Med-...Medi-...that sea 'tween Spain and Africa, aye!
  • Davy Jones' Locker: the bottom o' the sea, where the souls of dead men lie
  • Doubloons: pieces of gold...
  • Fiddlers Green: the private heaven where pirates be goin' when they die.
  • Furner: a ship which be yer own, not one ye steal an' plunder.
  • Gentlemen o' fortune: a slightly more positive term fer pirates!
  • Go on the account: to embark on a piratical cruise
  • Grog: A pirate's favorite drink.
  • Jack: a flag or a sailor
  • Jolly Roger: the skull and crossbones, the pirate flag!
  • Keelhaul: a truly vicious punishment where a scurvy dog be tied to a rope and dragged along the barnacle-encrusted bottom of a ship. They not be survivin' this.
  • Landlubber: "Land-lover," someone not used to life onboard a ship.
  • Lass: A woman.
  • Lily-livered: faint o' heart
  • Loaded to the Gunwales (pron. gunnels): drunk
  • Matey: A shipmate or a friend.
  • Me hearty: a friend or shipmate.
  • Me: My.
  • Pieces o' eight: pieces o' silver which can be cut into eights to be givin' small change.
  • Privateer: a pirate officially sanctioned by a national power
  • Scallywag: A bad person. A scoundrel.
  • Scurvy dog!: a fine insult!
  • Shiver me timbers!: an exclamation of surprise, to be shouted most loud.
  • Son of a Biscuit Eater: a derogatory term indicating a bastard son of a sailor
  • Sprogs: raw, untrained recruits
  • Squadron: a group of ten or less warships
  • Squiffy: a buffoon
  • Swaggy: a scurvy cur's ship what ye be intendin' to loot!
  • Swashbucklin': fightin' and carousin' on the high seas!
  • Sweet trade: the career of piracy
  • Thar: The opposite of "here."
  • Walk the plank: this one be bloody obvious.
  • Wench: a lady, although ye gents not be wantin' to use this around a lady who be stronger than ye.
  • Wi' a wannion: wi' a curse, or wi' a vengeance. Boldly, loudly!
  • Yo-ho-ho: Pirate laughter

The “Happy Talk” Season

We have a new assignment! Happy-Face Healthcare Czarina. Yep, FLOTUS and I will be going out to put a soft, happy-face spin on the “complex, highly partisan issue” of Obamacare. MO will be in charge of selling the plan, and I’m in charge of making her look like she’s smiling.We’ll be watching this “Happy-Talk” video for a few do and don’t pointers.

The best part about this assignment: we’ll need some new “sharing/caring” clothes to wear. And fortunately, New York Fashion Week just wrapped up. I’ll just have to jot down the clothes Lady M liked and have one of her 36 assistants call up the designers to have them super-sized.

But back to the plan: MO is assigned to go out and make soccer moms sign up for BO’s Healthcare plan. Because they’re a touchy-feely lot that can easily be manipulated persuaded by a famous person. Like Oprah. Only now we think MO’s even more powerful, because of her famous toned arms.

Anyway, everyone seems to agree.

“A wise White House will deploy the first lady’s credibility, background and experience in support of the president. She is his partner, and she has an enormous platform to use. She can bring a lot of visibility to certain aspects of the issue; the president can’t do everything,” said McBride.

I don’t know who “McBride” is, but I do know he/she’s going to have his/her ass handed to him/her for that crack about Lady M’s “enormous platform.”  Not only is it insulting, but she could just as well be talking about Hillary Clinton. And we all know how well her health care “platform” turned out.


PS. Joey B just called to see if Lady M and I wanted to be wenches tomorrow at the festivities. I have no idea what he’s talking about, but I have a feeling I better look into it pronto.


Thursday, September 17, 2009

Carter’s Back, Dynasty’s Back. Can Clinton Be Far Behind?

Oh dear. There was much to love about the 80’s, but style wasn’t one of them. But now that 80’s style shoulder pads are definitely back, I’m afraid I’m going to have to come right out and say it: big shoulders on women are a really, really, not good idea.  I know they’re all about that power suit trip that even smart women bought into back in the Reagan era. But I was there, and I’m telling you honey: no matter what direction it takes you, it’s going to be bad. To wit:

Bitchydynasty bitch


Deformed beyonce


Well, maybe not dumb. Just completely clueless.

But still bold. Nancy did issue a statement regarding the constitutionality of universal health care. And she’s never even read the Constitution! So apparently those power suits really do work. Although Nan, as I recall, breaking down when conducting your business was considered a career killer the last time we dressed for success. So buck up, OK?

But I digress. My real concern is about how this is going to effect ME. I’m afraid I’m going to have to go in for a retrofit on my wide angle trans-imaging lens. It worked OK in the ‘80’s with the original wide-shoulder look; not that I had to employ it much for Nancy Reagan – she was no bigger than a popsicle stick. But now, I’m going to be doing wide-angles on Lady M’s shoulders and her ass. I’m going to need a little help here.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Full Moon Rising

There’s going to be some serious unpleasantness around the Big White today.

It seems somebody left this article about transforming butt fat into bigger hooters laying around on the private dining table. Lady M is furious. She’s called in the White House CSI unit (who hasn’t had much to do since the Clinton administration) to dust for fingerprints.

I sure hope they come up with some (I’m secretly wishing they belong to Toes) otherwise MO’s going to think it was either me or TOTUS.  My defense,however, that this would serve contrary to my self-interest and future job security should prove convincing. As for TOTUS, well,  he’s clean and articulate and almost always has an air tight alibi.

totus 2

Even the Big Guy isn’t off the hook, because Lady M  is demanding to know if this type of surgery will be covered under his “so-called health reform.” I told you it was going to get ugly.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Finally. We were getting real tired of hearing about how all of Lady M’s and Big Guy’s associates were either communists, socialists, Marxists, or, the generic Fascist. So, now we have one that is certifiably Capitalist to his core. Well, no. He doesn’t really hold an official position. But neither do any of the Czars.

Anyway, since his association with Lady M, he’s more than quadrupled his annual revenue: he’s currently on track to make $4 million this year – and he’s only 26 years old!

I know this doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, because almost everyone associated with the royal couple sees personal income increases of at least that much. But this one is unique: he’s actually earning it! By making things! That people want to buy! I kid you not. Maybe there is something to that free market hype.

But anyway, let me just do the big reveal: It’s none other than Jason Wu! He was the subject of a big spread in the WSJ. (I know. We usually hate that paper.) You remember him from the prom dress we wore at the Inaugural Ball.

Jason Wu’s sleeveless, off-white (of course) gownroyal couple laden with Swarovski crystals and fabric petals all but invented MO’s famous toned arms. Jason said of his creation: "I wanted it to look like a sign of hope." We of course thought he meant for BO’s reign presidency. In retrospect, he might have been talking about his own career. All I can say is, but for my magical projection imaging system, he’d still be pinning pattern pieces together at Narciso’s.

But no hard feelings. We understand that the son of immigrants (legal) from Taiwan might think Capitalism will provide him with a future. And besides we do love his fashion sense. Wait till you see what he’s designed for our next prom; seriously, to-die-for. It’s festooned with real ostrich feathers. By then I expect the ACORN probes will force quite a few of us to join our MSM pals and stick our heads in the ground. So the theme should work well.


We’ll just have to hike that belt up a little higher: to show off Lady M’s narrow waist.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Let The Games Begin

It’s true! We’re going to Copenhagen! Sure, Mo will be making a pitch to win the 2016 Olympic games for Chicago – which would be great because we understand that the post-Romney Olympics will once again provide a source of endless booty (and please, no “Chicago pay to play” jokes). But zowie! Is the Danish capital a fashion-happenin’ town or what?

Check out just a couple of these shots from Copenhagen Fashion Week (which we missed; I sure wish State could coordinate these official little junkets better). We are talking fashion way-forward.

copenhagen fashion Iron Butterfly meets Carmen Miranda: from Designers Remix. Just perfect if we have to have tea with the first lady of Honduras.








copen pool 2A Stine Goya design that would be perfect at Olympic poolside competitions

copenhagen fashion week And then there’s this, from Henrik Vibskov, which would be absolutely fabulous at the next Democratic Convention acceptance speech. I’m not sure about the blond hair and nose guard, but I understand they’re optional.


purple platformsWe were a little disturbed at the lack of any models of color in this year’s lineup, and we would protest except Lady M just has to have these high-heeled sneakers from Fifth Avenue Shoe Repair.

They are way classier than the purple Converses, and would be perfect for a game of pick-up (don’t go there) in the White House gym. So we’ll put our principles aside for a moment, because, honey, we are not about to pay retail!

We are already packed in anticipation of mesmerizing the Danish capital with our toned upper arms and casual yet elegant style. Big Guy might even join us at the last minute for a personal spellbinding appearance. After all the flack he’s taken about his healthcare plan, it will be nice to be in a country that has banned criticism of anyone’s messiah.