Saturday, February 6, 2010

When Snarks Attack 4: The Winner

The winner of the Golden FLOTUS in When Snarks Attack 4 is . . . “bettyann” !!!! I know this is big surprise.

Congratulations bettyann you have snarked your way into the history books and earned your place along side your fellow Golden FLOTUS winners in my new Snark Hall of Fame!!!

In every competition there is a winner and at least one loser. Bettyann’s “boobs fell in her pants” mopped up the floor with bettyann’s   “Thanksgiving day float” like Scotty mopped up the… uh, woops !!!

So come on up and accept your Golden FLOTUS

“bettyann . . . MOTUS, her boobs! They fell down into her pants!”

GOLDEN FLOTUS bettyann copy

We’ll be looking for your coveted Golden FLOTUS on your facebook (but we don’t know where to look) and on your “hog”.

brando flotus copy

Yes; we know, this one’s  a Triumph. But he’s sooo bad!

“It’s hard, it’s scary…” Do Tell.

The second half of the Matt Lauer interview was “interesting” too, although I’m a little worried about Matt. He seemed to be on the verge of tears a couple of times, but Lady M managed to help him man-up. So he managed to get through the tough questions about Big Guy’s grey hair (“he’s cute”), date nights ( “We don't get to do our date nights as much because it just causes more commotion....”), and Obamacare (“It's hard, it's scary, it's confusing. . .”) Then we moved onto the key issue: “who helps you get dressed every morning?” Do you stand in front of the mirror in the morning and say "What am I going to wear and what are they going to write about it?"

Lady M acknowledged that she “can't spend a lot of time thinking day-to-day....(apparently neither can Big Guy) I do it with people. . .You have folks who are going to get your clothes ready,”. That would be “little” people to you and me. And the “you” in “you  have (little) people” would be the royal “you,” related to the royal “we” by marriage.

But here’s the really troublesome quote as far as my job is concerned: “I've learned to wear what I like and to wear what's comfortable."

pipi longstokings       michelle-obama-skinny-jeans

Pippi Longstocking: comfy              Skinny jeans: comfy

mo grand canyon-2

    Shorts, tanks, baseball caps: comfy

So, as you’ve all suspected, this is what I’m up against. Of course she stands in front of my imaging system every morning. Of course the little people try to dress her appropriately. But MO has “learned to wear” what she likes.

michelle-obama-m1 Royal purple: has learned to like it

Wouldn’t you think for what they charge for a Princeton and Harvard education she might have “learned” a little more than she seems to know? Seriously, purple stripes with aqua?


Michelle Robinson Obama

Princeton B.A. Sociology, Harvard J.D.

Friday, February 5, 2010

It’s In The DNA

Now they’re criticizing Lady M for making sure the little Won’s are eating right? That right wing media is just so un-American. I suppose they have something against apple props too?

mo tweed2Lady M, contemplating sticking an apple in her mouth 

It seems that at our big kick off last week to fight childhood obesity (you remember: our wax zoot suit appearance? Because vertical stripes are slimming.).


MO made it a bit too personal for some in the press by talking about the wee Won’s “body mass index.” Apparently that’s off-limits for some overly-sensitive critics – sort of like kiddie body-fat porn – who claim that “dieting is a gateway drug to eating disorders”.

Any way, the “experts” are getting all hysterical, saying Lady M should never have mentioned the kids because such attention might damage their little self esteems.

Here’s all I can say about that: these two wee Wons come from some pretty hearty self-esteem stock. Their DNA stands for “designated national acclamation,” so let’s stop wasting perfectly good MSM time worrying this. The kids are alright.

Besides, Lady M went on to tell us what this is really about:

“We're going to be bringing the federal government together, those resources in partnerships with business, non-profit and the foundation communities, all of whom are thrilled to be a part of this endeavor.”

In this case, the most “thrilled” of all is the SEIU (file under “non-profit). As their Executive Vice President Mitch Ackerman explained, they’ll be working with us to make sure there is “A more robust expansion of school lunch, breakfast, summer feeding, child care and WIC [the federal Women, Infants, and Children nutrition program] (because it) is critical to reducing hunger, ending childhood obesity, and providing fair wages and healthcare for front line food service workers.”

We are all about nutrition, service workers and the big purple around here.

barney_cabooseAndy Stern visiting the Big White organic garden last summer

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Out of the Tower of Babble: God’s Voice

We had to get up extra early today to get ready for church. Well, not church per se, but something equally alien: public prayer. Big Guy had to practice his big read several times yesterday, to make sure he could finish before his pancakes got cold. He also had to practice striking the right tone: a little more Martin Luther King, a little less Reverend Wright.

I was relieved to see Big Guy put on his baby blue tie instead of one of his dozen lavender Hermes. He reserves those for when he’s going to attack greedy capitalists. Apparently he believed there would be none present today.

alavender BO smiting the evil money changers in his lavender tie

For Lady M’s part, I know you’ll be relieved to see she’s brought back one of her signature styles: no, not bare arms in the middle of winter. Belts! And a very clever design that makes you look twice to see if she’s wearing one of her also-signature cardigans! You might think it’s blue, because it blends into the curtain behind her, but it’s really – plum. Or Eggplant. OK, maybe royal purple.

obama-prayerx-large But never mind that. Today was really about Big Guy. He raised his voice in prayer to advance his own agenda: he chastised the heathens, telling them that “we become numb to the day to day crises – the slow moving tragedies. . .” (with the exception of the tea partiers up in Massachusetts who seemed anything but numb) “We become absorbed with our abstract arguments; our ideological disputes, our contests for power . . .” I think he’s talking about the Republicans here,  “and in this tower of babble (that’s right, check the transcript) we lose the sound of God’s voice.” Although not for long, Big Guy’s pretty much got the airwaves covered 24/7.

In case you’re wondering, we had orange juice, sausage and pancakes. A short stack for Lady M.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

We’ve Just Gotten Too Fat

A very busy week! Yesterday a meeting in the old family dining room with Cabinet and Congressional members to tell them about our all out attack on childhood obesity. Actually, we had to explain to some of them that the recession is not part of this campaign. And it seems there are still a few of them who think we should cut the fat out of the budget before we start picking on the kids’ lunch boxes.

Please note that at both of these appearances, we wore gently used clothes from a previous life. The only new item was our wig, but that wasn’t really optional, if you’ve been paying attention.


Tuesday with the health czar and an ancient senator who won’t be effected by the health care bill he’s “hawking”  (just a little Iowa humor, Senator Harkin).

motweed oldSame tweed suit on the campaign trail way back in ‘08, when we were still all about change. 

Then today, something much more fun: a love fest on the Today show with Matt Lauer! For this love-fest we chose a dress that we’ve  worn a couple of times before too. It really shows off our best assets:

imageLady M on Today Show, where she tells Matt  “ I’ve got this husband who does these interesting things,” Do tell.

motweed7The amoeba and tweed dress at a previous appearance. 

motweed6 You can probably see why we did the Today show interview sitting down.

We added our new signature pearls for Matt too, because Mo is starting to figure out that all those spidery brooches she likes so much just scare the American people – kind of like Big Guy’s legislative policies. The handlers are now trying to make her look more – well - normal. We’ll see how that works out. No word yet from BO’s handlers, but it looks like he’s doubling down. He told the people in New Hampshire yesterday that his Obamacare bill was a “big, complicated bill,” that he knows “scares the daylights out of people.” Don’t you just love it when he gets down with his homies?

Actually, there are two reasons for all of MO’s recycling: First, maybe you didn’t know, but there’s a recession going on. That’s right, we all have to tighten our belts (so to speak). Apparently that memo finally worked it’s way through the bureaucracy around here.

Secondly, for all the mean bloggers out there who keep saying how much weight Lady M has gained since getting her own personal Big White pastry chef, we wanted to show everyone that we can still wear the same outfits we did over a year ago! It just took us a little while for our full time seamstress to get enough matching fabric to complete the alterations.

So there you have it: Altering America one seam at a time.

UPDATE: The other Michelle has a must read on Lady M’s FatWar.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Royalty Trumps Common Sense

Feb. 1, 2009
“During a Super Bowl watching party in the White House theatre, the President and First Lady join their guests in watching one of the TV commercials in 3D.”
(Official White House photo by Pete Souza)

This official White House photograph is being made available only for publication by news organizations and/or for personal use printing by the subject(s) of the photograph. The photograph may not be manipulated in any way and may not be used in commercial or political materials, advertisements, emails, products, promotions that in any way suggests approval or endorsement of the President, the First Family, or the White House. 
MO, BO and staff reviewing the budget deficit. 3-D glasses recommended.

I don’t know whether it’s the deficit or not, but there seems to be a lot of negative energy around here since I got back. I don’t think it’s me though: Lady M even acted like she missed me.  That’s reassuring but not surprising, given that none of the other mirrors around here can reflect quite like me:

aaabadhair day  bbbbhairday

I’m  invaluable on a bad hair day              

Both MO and BO seem to be in a bit of a funk. It all started with the Republican surge in Massachusetts.Then BO’s team members started jumping the good ship Obamacare, and the reviews of his big SOTU read didn’t really come in as positive as he was expecting. Stunningly, his tongue lashing of the Supreme Court didn’t seem to go over so well, even with members of the supportive press. And it looks like, with all the weenies in New York whining, we’re going to have to move KSM’s kangaroo court somewhere else: maybe out of the country. Maybe Gitmo, since it doesn’t look like we’re going to be able to close it down anytime soon. And on top of everything else,the budget deficit ( which we inherited from George W. Bush) seems to have everyone in the country all wee-weed up.

But Big Guy’s working on that. Just today he told everyoneI also want to note, even though the Department of Defense is exempt from the budget freeze, it's not exempt from budget common sense. It's not exempt  from looking for savings.” I think that means Queen Nancy’s personal Air Force fleet is in jeopardy. Unlike the Department of Defense budget, she does seem to be exempt from common sense. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

nanct steppin out

Queen Nancy at the ball. Look out Nancy! The clock is about to strike midnight. Your Gulfsteam is about to turn into a pumpkin.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

When Snarks Attack: 4

Well, I’ve finally gotten around to the 4th edition of my world famous Snark of the Week, golden FLOTUS nominations. I knew the last several weeks were going to be hectic, but I didn’t expect to have so little time to tend to my Snarks. Anyway, I guess you know we got bumped to commercial for the trip back to Big White. At least we got exit row seats. I got a center seat and Raj got the window. He likes to look out the window and calculate our altitude and routing at regular intervals to make sure the pilots are on track. I trans-imaged myself with a hologram from my hard drive into Lady M with that look. You know which one I’m talking about, the one in the video at the top of my blog. Nobody sat in the isle seat next to me. I promise I’ll never again use my powers for evil or self-gain -unless I get bumped to commercial again.

Anyway, Raj and I were able to work undisturbed all the way back to Big White. Now that we’ve transferred to Marine Chopper Won I have WIFI so we can post this.

My big fun idea to get you guys in on the nominating paid off big time. If by “paid off big time” you mean (and I do):

  1. Nobody coming to my blog is a liberal who thinks everybody is a winner, and
  2. We scored big time on the “will pay cash money for one of them Golden FLOTUS thingies (and boy, oh, boy: do we need the money for the Lady M Fund for Massachusetts Voters with Severe Ballot Error Disorders, and
  3. There was unanimous consent on the nomination. Unless you think “I CAN'T FIND ME. aND i TRIED SOO HARD. mOTUS? mOTUS??” was a nomination.

I was surprised that there weren’t more nominations, there were certainly a lot of good snarks. Maybe bettyann knows Chicago rules better than I thought. Or, maybe I got the rules for nominating a little wee weed up. I have caught myself thinking that Gibbsy is making sense a few times lately. But that’s in the past as my upgrades have my lenses focusing like a laser. Anyway, nobody deserves this nomination more than bettyann. So, without further adieu here are your nominees for the Snark of the Week 4:

Nominees For The Period

December 27, 2009 – January 16, 2010)

1. From No Good Crisis Goes to Waste:

bettyann said...
MOTUS, what the hell is that Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade float doing in there, dressed up like Janet?

2. From Harsh Stares All Around: Take That Jihadists

bettyann said...
MOTUS, her boobs! They fell down into her pants!

Ok, technically “bettyann number 2” wasn’t nominated in the standard nominating process. But Raj was so proud and honored that bettyann successfully used his “Raj’s Reliable Tutorials” to develop her new nerd magic to embed links that he begged me to add it. And, well, Team Obama does take care of its friends, and Raj has been such a mensch, so bettyann’s in twice. And I think she deserves them both.

So lets get out there and vote! Polls will remain open until 11:59PM Saturday February 6, 2010 and Chicago rules are back in effect. Good luck bettyann!

We’re landing Marine Chopper Won now so I’d better post this. Bye.

PS should Raj and I ever be foolish enough to host another snark contest, we’ll paste it the top of the blog as Gerard VDL suggested.

Sundance: It’s a Wrap


That’s me! In my new pink hat, goggles, Christmas gift Moon Boots from Hub and wearing my Sundance Credentials

Well, now that I’m packed and headed back to DC (flying commercial: all of the Air Force jets were booked by Nancy Pelosi’s family. I know I tweeted that we were boarding Air Force Won, but we got bumped), I can divulge the real reason Raj and I were here.

We came to check out a Swiss multi-media film/art installation  that claims to be able to fuse reality with fantasy: claiming that only “ten percent of what people see is through their eyes, and 90 percent is constructed by the brain.” I’m sure you can see the concern: we were assigned to investigate whether this Swiss collaborator had hacked into my systems and stolen by super-secret NASA installed  mirror re-imaging programs.

After scrupulously examining every aspect of Pipilotti Rist’s film Pepperminta, as well as a companion film installed at the Festival’s New Frontier theatre/museum as a piece of immersion art (I’m not making any of this up), I’m pleased to report that she’s got nothing. Like everything else here, it’s just a slick scam.

And it’s a good thing: that leaves me free to work within that “90%” zone to clean things up for public view. We don’t need any more reality, now do we?

sou2 Hub says Lady M has now attracted her own moon!

So, just because I was on official business, it didn’t stop me from squeezing in some fun here at Sundance. That’s a little trick I’ve learned from some of the political pros. Raj and I did see some movies films. I was surprised, most of them seem very critical of the hand that feeds them. Maybe that’s why they all look so anorexic.

We were very excited to go to the HOWL opening film about some B-list beat poet. The next day we made copies of some real poetry - Gerard Allen Van der Ginsberg’s (aka Vanderleun) American version of Howl: GROWL -  and posted them at select venues and kiosks around town. (Part 1 is here and Part 2 is here.) Most, but not all, were swiped by the next day.





Our poor little Sundancers didn’t quite know what to make of it. They really like counter-culture, as long as it’s not their culture being countered. Plus, I realized my mistake too late: my handouts said “Now READ GROWL.”  This is Sundance: They don’t READ, they WATCH. Anything more than a paragraph long, and their brain synapses start shorting out. At least I tried to introduce them to real poetry. It’s not my fault that they all went to public school. Next year I’ll do it as a graphic novel. Oh, and I’ll need better ink. The copies left on the kiosks started to bleed all over the place by the next day. I told Raj we should have had the copies made at Staples.

Then, since I did so well on the surfboard while we were in Hawaii, I decided to take a snowboard lesson. Normally my pal Stein Erikson doesn’t allow snowboards at his Deer Valley ski resort, but as you can see, he made an exception for a special emissary from the White House:

motus-stein copy

That’s me, under the goggles (needed to prevent fogging up my lenses) with my new OMATIC snowboard, and Stein Eriksen.

Raj enjoyed hanging around in the nerd lounges and talking to film makers, but I just seemed to have a natural affinity for the snowboard, and spent as much time as I could on the slopes:

motus snoboard-1 copy

and even managed to catch a little air on my last day:

Snowboarder Jumping

But now, my work is done here. I’m on my way home to resume my responsibilities for a different kind of snow job.

‘Bye Sundance. It was fun.

Oh, and I’ll fill you in on TOTUS’ new private sector project as soon as I can.