Thursday, July 9, 2009

Innocent Pawns

I just want to go on the record to make something perfectly clear: (that’s an old mirror joke). I had nothing to do with Malia’s choice of the Peacenik t-shirt in Rome and whatever inadvertent message it sent.

For starters, MOTUS never messes with the kids. Remember, my conception took place under the auspices of the Department of Defense and NASA. I have a strict code of ethics embedded between the polished glass and the silver/magnesium backing.

No one, and I mean no one, is allowed to trans, hyper or quantum image the kids. It’s strictly hands off. They’re just innocent little pawns.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Shopping the Appian Way

I can’t tell you how exciting it is to be a part of the Obama team. Ever since BO took office, I’ve been a part of Team Obama Entourage. I don’t flatter myself that it’s just because of my awesome powers of trans-imaging, although that’s why MO wants me aboard Air Force One every time she embarks.

No, I know that if it weren’t for the fact that BO has established a very special bond with TOTUS and needs to provide for his safe transit everywhere he goes, I would be left behind at the White House just like I always used to be.

But since they already have special luggage cases designed to transport delicate imaging equipment (TOTUS and I call them “RV’s”), I get to go along for the ride too.

Obviously there are a few glitches to be worked out. MO isn’t used to having me around while she’s on the road, so we’ve had a few slip ups. Like that little confusion about the purses last week while we were in Moscow: Drudge linked to a story at the stupid Daily Mirror about Madam O carrying a $6000 VBH designer handbag.

Silly me. I forgot to turn off my trans-imaging projector, and we even fooled the bag's creator! It really wasn’t their $6000 black lizard version. It was just the $900 black patent model! Wow, I’m beginning to feel the power.

Anyway, we had a similar slip up when we went shoe shopping in Rome. This one wasn’t really my fault though. MO really has to try to remember that even if I make her feet look like a size 8 slim, she really wears a size 13 wide.

Maybe from now on she’ll stop arguing with the shoe clerks and just try the damn things on.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Can We Please Not Say “Preggers”?

Oh dear! Those nasty rumors of MO being preggers just won’t go away.

They started back in January but I thought between MO’s plausible denial, via Oprah’s Blog, and my slimming reflections we pretty much squashed them.Just like we did with those silly birth certificate stories that keep raising their ugly head.

Now some snoopy reporters are saying that FLOTUS looked tired and nauseous in Russia. And they’re asking again about a baby bump.

First of all, she was in RUSSIA people! Did you see what the women wear there – even in the middle of summer? Not an Armani, Prada or even Narcisco in sight! And still with the Bubushkas everywhere. Who wouldn’t be nauseous?

And tired? BO, Vladi and Demitri kept her awake all night playing poker, yelling "Na Zdorov'ye!" every time they tossed back a Stoly. Then they all had to show off their abs, and run through their routines. Apparently the Ruskies' routines involved nubile young girls with special Pilate equipment and gypsy music. Who wouldn’t be tired?

As for that baby bump: all I can say is she enjoys a steak and a little lobster dipped in butter to go with that organic crap she’s growing all over the damn yard.

I’m doing my best here, but some days MO just won’t work with my refractors. When she gets all hormone-y like that, even my trans-imaging won't do the trick.