Saturday, April 10, 2010

The Work of the Fashion Forward is Never Done

Boy, fighting obesity has almost turned into a full time job for Lady M. It’s a good thing she has so much experience in this area and can do it pretty much on cruise control now. Because otherwise it could really begin to negatively impact her day job: World-Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom™ 

more new hair1

Yesterday Lady M met with the whole No Fat Child’s Behind obesity task force. Geeze, talk about a bunch of dweeby wonks. And, not to be mean or anything, but aside from the king of the geeky wonks, Peter Orszag, this anti-fat group carries a lot of weight, and I’m not speaking metaphorically.




 Peter Orszag from the Office of Management and Budget: this is what Big Guy thinks a smart guy looks like


Regina Benjamin: this is what a Surgeon General looks likeregina-benjamin-240bs072009

I’m not quite clear on what the purpose of the meeting was, but Lady M kicked it off and it sounded really important. Next, Petey O  showed off his knowledge of behavioral economics (the fact that everyone there knew what behavioral economics is tells you about everything you need to know.) Then Surgeon General Regina B noted that corporations should provide female employees with a clean and private place to breast-feed because, she said, research has shown that children who are breast-fed for the first six months of their lives are less likely to become obese.Who knew! And here’s good news: someone on some Congressman’s staff was totally up to speed on this critical research (that I’m certain is backed up by a first rate epidemiological study) because someone already stuck that requirement in the Obamacare Bill. I actually think this could be a real win-win for Starbucks.

And then, the best part – breakout sessions for brainstorming! Yippee! Who doesn’t like a good brainstorm? Plus, we got to leave at that point, because brainstorming is really busy work for the little people.

So while we left the wonks back at the ranch to work out the details of No Child’s Fat Behind on their own, we were off to the Pentagon to thank our military personnel and to remind them of all of the wonderful things that Big Guy’s administration has done for them. Although I don’t think they have a clean and private place for female Pentagon employees to breast-feed yet.

Such a busy day. Not even time to change our clothes. But then, it was a nice opportunity to show off our dress in the light of day, because the skirt has an odd interesting effect, fading to and gates

I suppose it could be a subtle signal to Andy Stern that our War on Fat will result in a huge increase in work for his peeps. Or it might just be fashion forward. Because Lady M’s work is never done.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Hair Recovery Act of 2010

Organic veggies in the cold frame aren’t the only things around the Big White that have been growing under cover for the last few months.  new weaveUnveiling the winter-overed (or in this case “undered”) hair growth

Lady M popped her lid Monday to reveal her own personal hair recovery act of 2010. Oh sure, we had to have a major league weave, but technically we can claim it’s 100% organic. Like the veggies.

With the summer coming on fast here in D.C., we had to do something to get out from under that suffocating turban of beautiful East Indian hair. All that sun during the Springroll nearly fried her bean.

Personally, I’m not sure the swept back look is the best way to go with the botoxed forehead and Vulcan brows, but to each her own. We didn’t want to draw too much attention to the new hair since it’s not, well, all it can be yet. So as a diversion, we wore an interesting ensemble of multiple prints and geometrics in black, white and blue that was, well, really more than it should have been. But interesting. In a postmodern way.

black white blue

It looks better standing up, I think:

b and w 2

The hair that is, not the outfit.

The event was a townhall meeting with student reporters in the State Dining Room to discuss, what else, No Child’s Fat Behind. But I didn’t really see any child’s fat behind.

Frankly I hadn’t been too excited about Lady M’s anti-fat kids program until I read Dewey’s expose on Global Densification. Now I see how critical all this extra mass really is. But even so, compared to Big Guy’s single-handed execution of the unilateral nuclear disarmament of the United States, I’m back to thinking it’s not really that big of a deal.

Put MO-power In Your Life With The moPad©

Seeing as how I am, like, super-high tech and all, this is a little embarrassing for me to admit. But until today I didn’t know what an iPad was. We’ve been terribly busy around here with the No Child’s Fat Behind program and Big Guy’s take over of the health industry; and so while I had heard of it, I just assumed it was something nice girls didn’t talk about in mixed company.

But while I was visiting over on American Digest today, I finally found out what everyone’s talking about. It’s actually sort of like a big iPhone. Only it’s not a phone. Actually, it’s sort of like a whole bunch of things, without actually being any of those things. I’m not making much sense, but you can read the reviews for yourself over at AD if you want to know more.

But there is one review that has caused quite a stir here in Big White. It’s a video by some dweeb, probably a “Rush baby,” comparing the iPad to the obamaPad. I’ll repost it here so you can take a quick look.


 iPad .vs. obamaPad via American Digest

Apart from the obvious fact that this kid is a “hater,” and probably a racist, he’s getting a little too close for comfort on the second generation iPad due out this October:


moPad© : Second Generation iPad In Stores This October

It packs a ton of features not included in the first generation and it’s obviously much more fashion forward (note the stylized boob-belt graphics, not available on any other model). And… it comes pre-loaded with 4 super fantastic apps:

  1. What Would MO Wear? (WWMW)©
  2. What Would MO Eat?    (WWME) ©
  3. What Would MO Do?     (WWMD) ©
  4. How Would MO Vote?   (HWMV) ©

These apps will take the head-achey part out of life’s daily decisions. My favorite is the What Would MO Wear?© app. It is super cool and I’m going to get to help develop it, based on some of my recently de-classified technology. It’s going to be a fashion forward advisor (like Ikram) for all you little people.

First you take pictures of all your clothes and accessories with the built in camera. Then, when you want to throw together a fashion forward look, you hit the What Would MO Wear© icon on the touch screen and voila! The app shows you what to select from your wardrobe and how to accessorize. Of course, most of you won’t have a wardrobe that will allow you to clone the full FLOTUS look. Even if you do have the wardrobe, you won’t have access to our private label “Lady M” Spanx collection which is designed to keep us within our borders. Nor will you have the support of my classified trans-imaging technology to let you see in virtual reality what you can only envision in your head. But it will still be a big help.

With the What Would MO Eat?© app, you never have to agonize over a menu again. Just hit the WWME icon, select the name of the restaurant you are in (if your restaurant isn't on the list, you should consider leaving and going to one that is) and “your order” of steamed Tuscan kale grilled with organic yam steak with yuzu juice will be entered without you ever having to speak to a snotty waiter. And you’ll even get MO’s desert selection of the day. Today it’s baked okra poppers. (The third generation moPad© will include an optional What Would Mo REALLY Eat© app.)

What Would MO Do?© is like having an ethics genie in a jar. Let’s say you recently graduated from an Ivy League law school and you have been offered a middle range 6 figure salary by a top New York law firm and an unpaid volunteer Community Organizer position with a new not-for-profit group, “OCORN”. What do you think MO would do? Now there’s no need to guess, your moPad© will lead you down the right correct post-partisan path every time.

The best part of the new moPad© is that you can cast your ballot in all US elections on it. That’s right! It’s the only device approved by the Federal Election Commission for use in all Federal elections, beginning in November 2010. You can cast your ballot from home, Starbucks or any park bench close enough to a Starbucks to have wifi access. And you can let your friends vote with it too. As many times as they’d like. Your ballot is accessed simply by touching the How Would MO Vote?© icon, and all of the messy part of making a selection has already been done for you.

Big Guy says this will “transform the way we elect our government” here in America. I’m afraid he might be right.

BN14726_22~Chicago-Theatre-Facade-and-Illuminated-Sign-Chicago-United-States-of-America-PostersBringing Chicago Style Elections to Washington Since 2008

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Now We’re All Radi-O-Active

We haven’t had a real date night now in ages, but last night we did have one of our famous Big White popcorn and movie nights. Big guest list too: Michael Douglas, George Shultz, Henry Kissinger, Bill Perry, Sam Nunn and Colin Powell.

The movie was a bit of a downer though:  "Nuclear Tipping Point." It’s Sam Nunn's (former Georgia Senator) documentary film about the threat of nuclear terrorism -- and the dream of a nuclear weapons-free world.

Lady M isn’t sure about getting get rid of the nuclear waste in her super-organic garden though. It does make those veggies grow fast.nuclear waste garden

The movie screening was actually a pre-celebration of next week’s signing of the new Nuclear non-Proliferation Treaty. With Russia! Yeah! And Big Guy announced this week that we will positively never, ever, use our nuclear arsenal – even if we get attacked by chemical or biological weapons. Especially if the attacks are by some country who isn’t lucky enough to have any nuclear weapons (yet) in their weapons of mass destruction arsenal. Because that’s taking the moral high road. Or something. Although some critics (Fox News and Rush Limbaugh) are saying that this is just another example of Big Guy’s tunnel vision. Honestly, I don’t know where they come up this stuff.

Tunnel Vision?tunnel vision

But a nuclear free world is a vision Big Guy has had just about forever,or at least since his undergraduate days at Columbia. as Dewey pointed out last summer in It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time,  BO spent a lot of time back in his college days thinking about nuclear proliferation. So don’t tell me he hasn’t thought this through:

“I blew a few smoke rings, remembering those years. Pot had helped, and booze; maybe a little blow when you could afford it. Not smack, though…” (Barack Obama, “Dreams From My Father,” page 93, paperback edition.

From Dreams of my Father  to Dreams of my Father, Second Generation:

article-1198393-05A4CFB5000005DC-686_468x676 The Wee Won in Rome last July with Mom and Dad. Just an Innocent Pawn.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Some Times a Pitch is Just a Pitch

Boy, this was a big disappointment. Big Guy’s been practicing in private since last year’s girlie pitch at the All-Star Game.  And to give credit where credit is due, it wasn’t quite as girlie as last July’s:

July, 2009 . All-Star Game, wearing his favorite teams logo

But let’s face it, this is not the image Big Guy has of himself:

first pitch April, 2010

I figured he was thrown off by the unaccustomed boos coming from the crowd, (hint: don’t wear your Chicago White Sox cap to a Nationals/Phillies game) combined with the fact that it was the second time in one day that he had to stand through the playing of the National Anthem: another disorienting event.

But at least his handlers got him out of the Mom jeans and Nikes he wore for the first pitch at the All-Star’s, so he looked a bit more presidential.


Didn’t help with the ceremonial first pitch though: high and outside – to the left, of course. Some would say “wild and in the dirt.” Afterwards, he told  Ron Dibble that he’d thrown, what? like, a dozen fast balls right across the plate during warm-up. Sure Big Guy.  I’m sure we’ll be seeing that footage soon.



But don’t worry, BO was back to form in the press box a little later, chatting it up about how he’s always been a South Side kid and big White Sox fan. All was good until Dibble asked him who his favorite White Sox player was:

"You know uh ..... I ... I thought that ... uh .... you know," Obama stalled. " ... The truth is a lot of the Cubs I like too! But, uh ... I did not become a Sox fan until I moved to Chicago. Because I uh .... I was growing up in Hawaii so I ended up actually being an Oakland A's fan."

There you have it. Just another right-wing sports announcer swooping in to sabotage the Won: trying to make it seem as if he lied about being a Sox fan, just like he’s lying about Obamacare. And everything else. Can you believe the nerve of these right-wing media guys?

Well, it’s not as if Big Guy doesn’t have bigger fish to fry.

easter bunny

Monday, April 5, 2010

MO and BO’s Eggs-cellent Adventure

It’s a wrap. The Spring Eggroll that is. Sorry I couldn’t report earlier, but with all the people, all the cameras, the bright sun, the white slacks and silver shoes – I got a double migraine: both hard drives. It was brutal, but I’m feeling better now.


By all accounts this was the best Eggroll ever. Unprecedented, actually. For one reason, this is the first year we sent the kiddies home with wooden eggs in place of candy filled plastic eggs from China. Here’s the most popular one:



Purple, with Big Guy’s signature, uh, signature: Big B, Big O. And Lady M’s too, below in smaller letters. Not a big deal though, that’s just how they came back from the Mexican factory.

Anyway our theme this year was, of course, No Child’s Fat Behind. So in addition to the traditional Spring Eggroll, we had lots of running games: basketball, soccer, tennis, golf, yoga and hula hoop, (natch). Did I mention we invited 30,000 lucky Americans to attend our Eggroll? All running around on the South Lawn in the sun. What a good idea.


Basketball with Big Guy

yawn Lady M’s reading of Green Eggs and Ham was a big hit with the crowd,  although not as big a hit as last year when Big Guy read “Where the Wild Things Are.”  Not that this is a competition or anything.

where the wild things are









Then the Marine band played the National Anthem:

natl anthem


sasha switch

Here is Big Guy  helping the wee wee Won switch up to put her right hand over her heart.  Heh, that little Sasha, she still has that left-right confusion thing going on. I tell her not to worry, it runs in the family and eventually she’ll get used to being a lefty. It looks like Malia is going to be more of a moderate though.

The weather couldn’t have been more perfect for our historic second annual Spring Eggroll. Lady M, in a nod to Gaia, summed the whole day up: "Let's say thank you to Mother Nature!"

Breaking News! MO and BO go to Church!

Yes, you read that right. Lady M and Big Guy went to church on Easter Sunday. Big Guy even took communion. And guess what? No apocalypse.

“I looked up to see if there were any asteroids headed our way. I checked to see if any cracks had opened up in the ground. But you know what? It turned out to be a pretty nice day.


There was, however, a small hole that opened up out back, but it turned out it was just a hole in the fertilizer line to the toxic garden of evil: not the gates of hell opening up.

So chill, everyone. We’re still good to go with the Spring Egg roll later this morning. 

Sunday, April 4, 2010

I’m Gumby, Damn it

First, I’d like to wish you all a Happy and Joyous Easter. And I know I shouldn’t do this, especially on Easter Sunday. But I ate too many chocolate covered bunnies last night (can you blame me? ) and I kept having the same dream all night long. Nightmare, to be more precise.

As with most dreams, it didn’t make any sense – pink bunny Peeps all mixed up with that horrible orange Speedo-Spanx thing that Lady M wore in public the other day. Like I said: a real nightmare.

When I woke up, this was still on my hard drive. I hope it’s not real. If it goes away, I swear I’ll never knowingly post horror pictures of Lady M again. Even if I am going to confession the next day.

 “I’m Gumby, damn it! And I’m here to make all you kids eat your damn veggies, and run around the damn block! So let’s move!

EdMu-Gumby Images compliments of the post-racial Gumby International Institute