Saturday, June 19, 2010

Day 57: President Visits 57th State of Columbus

Day 57, and still no rest. OK it was really day 59 – but who’s counting?

Big Guy took the Wee Wons to a Sox-Nationals game last night. He did not rest however. See? He’s taking phone calls. This one was actually Lady M, who was previously indisposed, telling him not to let the girls have anything to eat that would give them fat behinds.

not resting4 not resting5

Bo and the Wee Wons tried to act like they were enjoying the game.

no rest6

Lady M sent me along to the game to make sure we don’t see any more of those scowly-face frown pictures of Big Guy: electric smiles only. Oh, and notice: no Mom-jeans this time. We’re going all tight and manly. Don’t tell anybody, but BO’s trying to emulate GWB.

Bush_Jeans_2 Now he wants me to reflect a huge belt buckle.

I probably should have accompanied Big Guy to Columbus too. He was there to promote our 10,000th Stimulus Road Work project - paid for by you!  Thanks, American taxpayers!

As reported by the NYT:

For all the talk of “shovel-ready” infrastructure projects when the stimulus first passed, construction projects made up a comparatively small slice of the package, and many required considerable administrative spade work — planning, permitting and contracting — before actual dirt could be turned….

Now that the long-promised “road work ahead” is here, in big numbers, the question is whether voters will warm to the stimulus.

I don’t know about “other voters,”  but I can tell you that on my last cross country road trip with Raj it seemed like we hit all 10,000 of those stimulus projects. That doesn’t necessarily translate to warm and fuzzy feelings towards Big Guy.

We didn’t get any more of those scary facial contortion headshots in the Columbus shoot, but unfortunately Big Guy does still appear to be shrinking – and now he seems to be taking other Americans down with him.


Follow the yellow brick road. It leads to Oz. Oh No!


smaller still

Tiny man on a big, big Airplane. Don’t worry, he’s not flying it.





columbus flag

Could we not have found a smaller flag?

OK, that’s betterno rest except for the construcion building shut down

There was a little complaining on the local front about the President’s entourage putting all the construction workers building the new Children’s Hospital (seen in background, above) on furlough for the day due to security restrictions. I guess there were no other spots available along the road project site that could provide such a handsome backdrop for the Presidential photo op. Nevertheless, the trip was a complete success - today we’re announcing another 150 jobs created in Columbus (all of the construction workers have been recalled due to lifting of the security ban).

I’m finally starting to get the hang of Obamanomics.

Friday, June 18, 2010

From One Hole To Another Hole

Lady M update: she was last seen at a billionaire’s seaside villa in the LA area.


I can debunk all of the following rumors as untrue: Lady M is NOT pregnant with Al Gore’s baby; she’s NOT trying out for a remake of either (a) 77 Sunset Strip (b) Hawaii Five-0, (c) Baywatch, (d) 90210, (e) The O.C. or (f)  Real Wives of Washington D.C.. I can neither confirm nor deny the rumor regarding cosmetic surgery.

But now, back to the business of ruling the small People:  yesterday’s Congressional follies. Let me see if I have this right:  BP’s CEO accepted “responsibility” for the big spill and acknowledged an “obligation” to the people and places ruined by said “big spill",” but refuses to acknowledge “liability.” Wow! This guy would’ve made a great politician if he hadn’t decided to be a greedy capitalist pig instead. Big Guy can’t help but admire him a little.

arm twisterArm Twister-in-Chief, and


arm twisteetwisted arm

Then,in a strange twist, instead of Tony Hayward apologizing to America for destroying our coastline and fishing industries, Rep. Joe Barton apologized to Tony Hayward?  Sheeze, Joe, maybe you have a point, but talk about tone deaf! I guess it’s OK now, though, since Joe later apologized for his apology.

Am I missing something here? I know I’m due for system upgrades, but I’m quite sure my basic comprehension pack isn’t due for maintenance for another 6 months. Still, things are a little garbled. Here’s what I can make out so far: BP screwed up royally. But somehow Big Guy waived our long-standing rule of law and replaced it with his own infinite messiah-like wisdom and levied a $20 billion down payment towards total future damages – also to be determined by Big Guy: Barry’s Pay-As-You-Go Plan. I think it’s set up so that if BP doesn’t pay, Big Guy gets to put their assets into his own bottomless hole: the Obamacare fund. It’s a win-win.

extortionerExtortioner,  Chicago-style

 extortionee2 staying below the radar Extortionee, trying to stay beneath the radar

Meanwhile, Senate Democrats are also not resting until the hole is plugged: "One of the many lessons of the BP disaster is we can't afford to continue business as usual," said good old Harry Reid. Translation: never-let-a-good-crisis-go-to-waste.

So we’re going to cram through Big Guy’s Crap and Tax.

If you’re confused don’t worry, it’s just because you’re one of the small people of little brain. Here’s a simple explanation from one of your betters:

"The root problem is political contributions, oil lobbyists’ access, and the Supreme Court's recent approval of unlimited corporate campaign spending," 

according to John Bonine, a law professor at the University of Oregon.  “That's why getting off the oil economy will be so difficult, almost impossible.”

Uh,I know I’m just a high-tech mirror, but I think the real reason it will be so hard to get off the “oil economy” is because no one really knows how to heat and cool our buildings or fly airplanes with unassisted wind power.

But maybe we can replace our fighter jets* -

refueling 972005Hot_air_balloons_Albuquerque-sm


with hot air balloons. I think the Iranians will get a kick out of that.








But getting back to that part about the “Supreme Court's recent approval of unlimited corporate campaign spending:”  didn’t George W. Bush appoint John Roberts and Samuel Alito to the Supremes?

Case closed: this whole mess is GWB’s fault.

I’ll be glad when Lady M gets back. She’s easy compared to these wahoos.



*Lt. Col. James Hecker and Lt. Col. Evan Detein line up their F/A-22 Raptor aircraft behind a KC-10 Extender to refuel while en route to Hill Air Force Base, Utah. Photo taken by TSgt Ben Bloker.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

UPDATE President Obama: He IS a Transformer

UPDATED: with an actual picture of Big Guy’s frown turned upside down!

I have no idea what Lady M’s up to, but since the paparazzi have been held firmly at bay, I was free to hang at the Big White yesterday to witness history in action.

And what a historical day it was!

First, Big Guy met with the oil slicksters and - just like he said the night before - extracted a promise from BP’s Chairman to put $20 billion in escrow to pay people for damages in the Gulf. After the Copenhagen fiasco, Big Guy’s handlers have finally figured out its best to extort promises before the photo ops.

carl-henric svanberg in the Oval BP’s Carl-Hendric Svanberg and BO, both appearing small

Shortly thereafter, BP’s Chairman Carl-Hendric Svanberg declared to the press that he “cares about small people,” which is good news for our mysteriously shrinking President O.

So “when all was said and done,” (which always means more was said then done) we pocketed 20 billion BP dollars for an escrow account that Big Guy said will be administered by an independent party – who, as it turns out, is our very own pay czar Karl Feinberg!  “Independent” is always a confusing concept around here. Apparently it wasn’t something covered on the final exam at Harvard Law School. But around here it means ABB: Anyone But Barry.inject, inject, inject 

Meanwhile, despite naming a new Spill czar (we’re up to a nifty 50!) and a brand new commission to “look into” everything, Big Guy is stunned that his loyal left guard is still criticizing his handling of this crisis! What do they expect from him! He can’t swim down and plug the damn hole; he can’t suck it up with a straw! You small people are really out of line here. Our new Spill Czar is now responsible for deflecting all criticism related to this mess.

Besides, we’ve already moved on. We are now transparently focusing on bigger fish: a New World Order through our New Energy Policy. "The tragedy unfolding on our coast is the most painful and powerful reminder yet that the time to embrace a clean energy future is now," Big Guy told us all Tuesday night. So far that includes a complete halt to drilling in the continental USA and paying reparations to all third world nations.

So I thought it was safe to take the evening off and play a little 3-D chess with Raj. Bad call, and I’m afraid Lady M is going to be really mad at me when she sees these photos from Big Guy’s appearance at the Nurses Association meeting last night.

How was I supposed to know that he was so exhausted that he couldn’t even hold his jowls up? He looked OK when he left.

take a frown and turn it upside down hey Big Guy! Let’s turn that frown upside down!

UPDATE: After reading bettyann’s comment about actually turning Big Guy’s frown upside down on her computer, I decided to try it for myself. OMG, I almost wet my pants (except of course I don’t wear pants). He does look like Mr. Potato Head!!! If by ‘Mr. Potato Head’ you mean an evil Ninja mutant Buddha head!

BO Potato head copyAt least He’s Smiling! 

I think we’re going to have to switch back from the ‘warm and fuzzy’ cycle to  ‘cold’- it appears that Big Guy’s not only shrinking, but wrinkling up pretty badly too.


Maybe Big Guy’s working on a transition to RoboCop:

robocop02 Big Guy without his make-up

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Size: It Matters

I hope no one’s concerned about the US taxpayers having to pay for Lady M and the girls dream vacation in sunny southern CA. As Cammie Johnston – Lady M’s communications secretary – has explained: "Mrs. Obama is paying all appropriate expenses for private travel."

Trip details to date: Suzanne Goin’s Lucques, Mario Batali’s Pizzeria Osteria Mozza, world famous Pink’s. Stoli (straight up! that’s my girl!) at Lucques, Chianti, pizza and charcuterie at Mario’s and Polish dogs at Pinks. That seems to include enough international diplomacy to cover the costs of most of our trip. So far we figure Lady M’s personal expenses include the breathe mints, Dramamine and Nexium – and I’m fairly certain that they’re all covered under Obamacare.

You aren’t seeing many pictures from LA because any paparazzi who breached the SS lines are now the guests of the local gendarmes. And I don’t have many pics on my hard drive because Lady M – who didn’t need me since all the photographers were locked up - sent me back to the Big White for last night’s big speech. She wanted me to to do my best to help reflect Big Guy as the kind of take-charge guy we know him to be. I did my best. But when you’re dealing with a guy who takes his clues on how to act like  commander in chief from West Wing re-runs, it takes a few more gigabytes than I currently have to play with.

With all the back and forth between coasts I did forget to post this picture of Lady M and the fam enjoying the Lakers-Celtics game in her zebra safari outfit.

michelle glasses-thumb-500x399-21842

But this one is much more interesting to me:

NBA Finals Celtics Lakers B

Who are those 2 giants standing behind the ladies? I’m no artist, but my perspective software pack tells me there’s something very wrong here. If this is some kind of new fangled software, I’m going to have to get my hands on it.


Assuming it works both ways, I could use it to make MO look smaller and BO bigger!

smaller still

This has to be something the Secret Service is testing. It could be the breakthrough we’ve been waiting for! I’m going to Tweet Raj right away and have him track it down through his CIA sources.

Maybe Big Guy can even use it to make the damn hole look smaller.

Prince Hamlet in the Oval

“Words, words, words.”

"He would drown the stage with tears,
And cleave the general ear with horrid speech,
Make mad the guilty, and appal the free,
Confound the ignorant, and amaze, indeed,
The very faculties of eyes and ears."

- William Shakespeare, Hamlet, 2.2

Is it just me, or does Big Guy seem to be shrinking? It’s probably just me.

some pills make you smaller One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small

But yikes! The big Oval speech seems to have hit the airwaves with a thud. There seems to have been a slight miscalculation of the mood of the country. We had some great words, and near perfect TOTUS-assisted-delivery, but something seemed to be missing. Oh yeah - content.

Could this possibly be the first crisis that goes to waste?  So far no one seems real enthused about more taxes for Algore’s carbonless footprints, so he can afford alimony. And Hoo-wee! Even our loyal legions over at Ms.NBC are ripping on BO about his speech. I’ve never heard such hostility towards Big Guy, I mean, other than from Lady M. Even Olby said hurtful things like “It was a great speech - if you were on another planet for the last 57 days." Ouch! That hurts coming from your own team.

smaller still and the ones that mother gives you don’t do anything at all

Even little Bobby Jindal is blowing Big Guy off, ordering the National Guard to go ahead and build the barrier islands in the middle of the ocean. “Screw BP,” or words to that effect, is essentially what Bobby said, but what Big Guy – and everyone else – heard was “screw you.”  He didn’t mention Big Guy by name, but with his thin skin BO’s still smarting about looking like the weak sister in this match up. When a guy with a waist 2 inches smaller than BO’s looks like the more take-charge guy, you’re in trouble. Lady M is not going to be happy about this, which doesn’t bode well for either of them. She’s got thighs bigger than either of their waists

Bobby J Build the damn barriers!

I tell you, something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Madness, treachery, revenge, moral corruption. the only thing we’re missing is incest. Oh wait! Here it is:

Lobbying records show that BP is no free-market crusader, but instead a close friend of big government whenever it serves the company’s bottom line.

It’s beginning to look like Big Guy’s presidency is going to be historic after all: the first American Shakespearean tragedy.

I’m not sure I like the sounds of that.

"You speak like a green girl,
Unsifted in such perilous circumstance."

- William Shakespeare, Hamlet, 1.3

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Suck It Up, Suck It Down

Wow, is Lady M ever going to let Big Guy have it when he gets back! I know he’s been under a lot of pressure lately, but really, drinking on the job? Not a good idea.

I’d like to be more like the supportive media, but look, this is wrong on so many levels I don’t know where to begin my critique. Let’s start with the fact that the President of the USA ought not be drinking in the middle of the day in the first place, but if you’re going to have a snort with the good ‘ole boys down South, it better be Black Jack, not some girly drink.  Next, don’t get sucked (no pun intended) into ordering a drink with political connotations like “Bushwacker.”  And if you blow points 1 and 2, at least ask them to hold the whipped cream and cherry, and when it arrives, chuck the straw. Sheeze, I shouldn’t have to be telling Big Guy this stuff.

“Big Guy practices sucking it up with a straw”


So here we get a photo of of the leader of the (presently) free world getting a girly buzz on. Big Guy: sucking down a "Bushwacker"  made with dark rum, coconut cream, creme de cacao, half and half and coffee liqueur at Tacky Jack's, a restaurant, in Orange Beach, Ala. I don’t know, but I think he might have lost track of the concept: he’s supposed to be making the folks in Alabama feel better, not the other way around.

Even before he enjoyed his Bushwacker, Big Guy seemed to be having trouble grasping concepts. Here he is at a plant in Theodore, AL where they clean and repair oil booms to be re-deployed. As you see, the whole hard hat concept seems to have eluded him,

nohardhat hard head

although not quite as completely as it has escaped this dude:

ass hattery photo via American Digest’s KACHING! filed under ass-hattery

Today Big Guy heads to Pensacola's Naval Air Station Technical Training Center to make a few remarks to our military personnel stationed there. I think maybe he can score some points by telling them about Lady M’s plan to let them send CARE packages to themselves.

Thank goodness he’ll be off those hot, sticky beaches. TOTUS isn’t allowed to set up there because the salt spray damages his operating system. I’m not saying that explains the girly drink, but I do know that TOTUS sometimes provides BO with - in addition to the words that helped make him famous - helpful little hints regarding proper behavior. He’ll be back on prompter today, to everyone’s considerable relief. Especially for tonight’s big address from the Oval where he’ll be telling y’all why we need to pass Crap and Tax. Because of evil corporations.

For the after glow, Big Guy has already called ahead for a pitcher of those Bushwackers. Extra whipped cream and cherries.

Oh, and by the way: I forgot to tell you about our birthday dinner at Lucques in West Hollywood Sunday night before winging back to the Big White. Lady M and the girls were celebrating Sasaha’s 9th birthday a bit belatedly. It was delicious, but that’s why Lady M was still a little “under the weather” yesterday and apparently again today. I guess those little green olives didn’t agree with her delicate digestion system.

But the dinner was fabulous: an appetizer of apricots and prosciutto with burrata, roasted dates, cardamom and marcona almonds; a choice of either market fish with sweet corn and fresh garbanzos, with lamb's quarters and chili-cumin butter or slow-roasted Colorado lamb over fava tartine with preserved lemon, black olives and purslane salad. Sasha had macaroni and cheese. For dessert: Bing cherry clafoutis with crème fraîche and hazelnut praline ice cream. 

Oh, and we also enjoyed the optional side order of a dozen Kobe sliders with foie gras. I think it was complimentary.

A Little ‘Play’ Time

So OK, the O’s were caught sneaking out going to a play at the Kennedy Center. I know, we promised no rest until Big Guy plugged the damn hole. But come on, this isn’t the first promise we’ve broken, or the biggest. Remember “Transparency” and “Change?”  Especially that last one – don’t expect to see much of it. At least not in regards to our promise keeping skills.

So what’s the big deal? Would you rather have Big Guy plopped in front of the tee vee watching re-runs of West Wing? Believe me when I tell you, “no, you don’t.” Every time he pulls a WW marathon he gets all sorts of Hollywood ideas about how to act Presidential. If you think his natural instincts are dangerous, you don’t want to see what happens when he acts like he has a cadre of writers to clean up the mess in 60 minutes.

And frankly, I think he’s already learned way too much from President Jed Bartlet.

So OK, here’s the scoop, Big Guy and Lady M attended a performance of "Thurgood," the play about Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall, on Friday night. They sat in the president's box for the sold-out performance. We didn’t think anyone spotted them.

But let’s not over react. There’s no conspiracy surrounding the lack of photographic evidence of this date-night. It’s just that the theatre has a ‘no photos’ policy. And as you all know, we revere policies around here. Far be it from Big Guy to overstep or abuse his presidential powers by circumventing policies. Even if some of our policies are preventing foreign ships from getting in to help with the Big Spill. And we couldn’t just waive the EPA regulations that  prevented Bobby Jindal from building barrier islands to protect the marshes and coastline. It’s the EPA! No sir, policies and regulations must be respected at any cost.  

Infamous Air Force One NY flyover: no policies violated here.AF1_photo1 Total cost: $328k. ‘Official’ purpose: to take this crappy picture. Official flight manifest: unavailable. Food and beverage bill: $4000. You do the math.

But to be fair, the O’s did have to cancel their Australian/Indonesian vacation in order for Big Guy to stay here and talk the oil back into the hole*, so how can you begrudge them one little night out that didn’t even include dinner after the show?

I sure hope whatever Big Guy’s going to plug the hole with this time works, because I’m really looking forward to our summer vacation – hopefully we can go back to Martha’s Vineyard (where we had a wonderful time last year) and not be bothered by that oily mess down on the Gulf coast. For the life of me I can’t imagine why Big Guy is telling everyone else they should vacation there this year. I can’t imagine that it’s going to smell very good.

It’s still a little early to confirm exactly where we’ll be vacationing, since the polling hasn’t been completed yet. And even then, it has to be cleared with Lady M. I’m betting on the Vineyard.

* thanks DeniseVB

Monday, June 14, 2010

Return of the Boob. Belt.

Lady M traveled all the way to San Diego to address the families of our brave Marines at Camp Pendleton.

lady M, old glory, feelin' proud Lady M: Proud American since 1-20-09

And since she’s been proud to be an American ever since the Won’s inauguration, she’s now all about improving the quality of life for military families. In fact, she’s made it one of her top priorities, right behind urban organic farming and moving all those kid’s fat behinds.

fuzzy logic Firmly cinched middle, but fuzzy at the margins

At Camp Pendleton she challenged Americans to come up with ways to show support for U.S. troops and their families. Just to get people’s imagination rolling, she tossed out a few suggestions: offer free museum passes, discounts and sending care packages to troops.

In return, some of our troops sent her a few suggestions of their own: stop offering terrorists free passes, stop discounting the Constitution, and get CAIR to stop sending packages of money to Hamas.

Lady M doesn’t quite know what to make of their requests. But since she was actually there to campaign for Barbara Boxer, not the Marines, it probably doesn’t matter anyhow. But she did offer them all a 20% discount on Big Guy’s books, Dreams of my Father and the Audacity of the Dope 

ammobelt Ammo boob belt, reprised for troop visit

flats nicely fitted black patent flats, to match the hair

scanner young lad runs Lady M through his scanner

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Orange You Tired Of This?

I know I shouldn’t do this, but I’m still a little ticked. First, Lady M gets mad at me for “springing” my new Jackie O-Pack on her at Anacostia High School, even though I thought she looked (comparatively) great. So, just to “F” with me, she wears that blooming orange pantsuit and screws up my color palette so bad, that Raj had to do a full pantone reset. Now, Toes is all over my case about my “showcasing the enemy’s women” yesterday. Man, some days it doesn’t pay to boot up.

Well, anyway, Toes says Big Guy thinks I “acted stupidly” and I’m still on Lady M’s list. So, I thought I’d try to get out of their dog houses today, with a special tribute to “Our Gals” and Lady M’s new fashion forward statement: Orange.

I think we have a historical theme going on here.

FireShot capture #069 - 'PicApp Search results for michelle obama' - www_picapp_com_search_aspx_term=michelle%20obama&pageNum=0&cats= orange390

Historic FLOTUS Making Copycat Pantone History Statement

FireShot capture #070 - 'PicApp Search results for michelle obama' - www_picapp_com_search_aspx_term=michelle%20obama&pageNum=0&cats=

Lady M’s Secret Handsign Shoutout To the Crips: West Coast, Yo!

Orange has been a key theme from the beginning of our historic campaign for “Change You Can Believe In”.


Fashion Consious “Man Caused Disasterator” at Club Gitmo

And even before Lady M made orange historic, we were dropping hints with some of our key appointments.

 090108_Juris_KaganTN DA_napolitanojanet

I hope this gets gets me off the sh*** lists, and I hope orange isn’t going to be a recurring theme for Lady M. Maybe if I ask how the Blago trial is going and show her this: