Day 5 and everything’s closed except the borders. (h/t Jay Leno) This is an important message from your Federal Government:
Give me your fired, your poor, Your huddled asses, yearning to live for free. That wretched ruse of the open door Send these, the homeless,at any cost. I lift a food stamp, and settle and ancient score.
(with deepest apologies to Emma Lazarus)
Until future notice, Liberty can only be viewed from afar.
That’s right, fences went up everywhere last week;
Essential employee closing nonessential monuments
except along the southern border.
And the White House wants to share your sorrow. Your government handlers want to know; how has the American Anarchist (AA) wing of the Republican party screwed up your life? Tell us, just how bad is it? Have we been successful in demonstrating how much pain Big Guy can inflict when your government is closed by terrorists?
Boy, that AA party is really making it hard out there for a pimp.
Submit your sob stories here, so we can empathize (boo, hoo, hoo), blame the Republican shutdown jihadies and continue to avert your gaze from the Obamacare fiasco.
Have to wait in line to buy stamps? Or worse, to collect your food stamps? (oh, SNAP!) We need your input. That’s how we keep score, to know if we are WINNING!yet.
And speaking of pimps and Obamacare: we were working on a way to rein in its run away costs by selling luxury items at deep, deep discounts. Butt apparently, some people thought that was unethical or something, so now the entire Obamacare Website has been hijacked shut down;for “maintenance.” Hee, hee hee! I’m sure that its closure is somehow related to the American Anarchist Party’s holding a gun to our head. And I would point out, the closure has nothing to do with the hateful messages that some members of the AA party have been leaving all over the site - trying to make it sound like Obamacare isn’t working, or something.
And please, stop submitting your pictures of businesses closing due to Obamacare. At this point we have no plans for soliciting those stories, butt will advise you if this changes.
butt due to the terrorist government shutdown, have yet to implement our “cut the crap” initiative.
Here’s what I can report from the war zone so far:
The American Anarchist (AA) Party terrorists still have bombs strapped around their chests, and they continue to hold the hostages they took at gunpoint.
And when I say perfectly clear, I mean PERFECTLY clear.
For their part, the scare-O-rists in the American Progressive (AP) Party have warned of the horrors that are in store for us if the American Anarchists are not beaten back into their hole.
James Clapper told us that he’s expecting terrorist attacks (foreign) if the AA don’t surrender. Because apparently three quarters of the CIA staff is considered nonessential and have gone golfing. I don’t know about you, butt if their absence makes us susceptible to terrorist attacks, I might have placed their jobs in the “essential” column.
A failure of the U.S. to pay its obligations if the debt limit is not raised “would be unprecedented and has the potential to be catastrophic,” Treasury said in a brief report intended for members of Congress and also released publicly by the agency.
“Credit markets could freeze, the value of the dollar could plummet, U.S. interest rates could skyrocket, the negative spillovers could reverberate around the world, and there might be a financial crisis and recession that could echo the events of 2008 or worse,” the report said.
I have no idea who “leaked” this report to Politico yesterday, causing a negative stock market reaction, butt I do know it was one of our essential employees.
Not yet leaked, is this distressing piece of information as well: without an end to the government shutdown and approval to raise our credit limit to heights unknown, the temporary slow down in global warming and reversal of the rise of the oceans due to Big Guy’s inauguration,
Wow, that seems like a lot! Unbelievable, actually. Too bad fact checkers have been considered nonessential at the networks for years now.
Anyway, without the defeat of the American Anarchists, you can expect the Gorical to come out of his hole, see the sun and declare 6 more millennium of earth fever.
Al GORE: People think about geothermal energy - when they think about it at all - in terms of the hot water bubbling up in some places, but two kilometers or so down in most places there are these incredibly hot rocks, 'cause the interior of the earth is extremely hot, several million degrees, and the crust of the earth is hot ...
“If you're working here, and in the middle of the day you just stopped and said, ‘You know what, I want to get something, but I don't know exactly what I'm going to get, but I'm just going to stop working till I get something, and I'm going to shut down the whole plant until I get something,’ you’d get fired,” Obama said at the M. Luis Construction Co. in Rockville, Md.
I expect we’ll be hearing from the UAW, AFL-CIO and SEIU pretty soon. They aren’t going to like the fact that BO just approved the firing of union workers when they go on strike.
Chicago teachers, shutting down the education system.
NOTE: LOOKS LIKE HALF OF THE iOTW MATCHUPS HAVE TAKEN PLACE OVERNIGHT. I EXPECT TO BE IN THE CAGE SOMETIME TODAY BUTT MAY NOT BE AVAILABLE TO GIVE YOU A HEADS UP. IF YOU HAVE TIME, PLEASE CHECK IN WITH iOwnTheWorld THROUGHOUT THE DAY. THANKS!
Okay everybody: just sit down and shut up! We’ve got a Government to shut down here, and itWILL hurt! You!
That’s an order.
As you know, the Barrycades at the World War II Memorial went up immediately following the announcement of the the painful government shutdown.
The stated reason for the closure was to ensure that none of our cherished WWII Veterans were endangered by government drones - now forced to fly unguided during this painful government shutdown.
You can tell that your government was really concerned about this potential hazard as War Memorials have never been closed during any of the 17 previous government shutdowns. And let me be perfectly clear: it required more effort to Barrycade the WWII Memorial than to leave it open.
Plus, the closure was part of a larger PR campaign pulled together by our Big Brains in preparation for the debt ceiling debate later this month. What if federal workers were to show up at the Barrycade to protest the government shutdown and demand that John Boehner tear down this wall? And just let them get back to their work for the American people. A brilliant plan, except that all the furloughed employees had already gone to play golf, so the SEIU had to hire McDonald’s employees to stand it for them at the protest.
On further consideration, the Big Brains relented. Having concluded that the staged optics of one group of federal government employees,
protesting the handiwork of another group of federal employees,
was trumped by the optics of members of the Greatest Generation in their wheelchairs being turned away at the Barrycade.
As might be expected, some of the Jihadists used this altogether reasonable safety precaution as an excuse to redirect people’s attention back to one of the phony scandals:
Meanwhile, BO exerted his outstanding leadership skills yesterday evening by calling the boys and girls to the Big White House to hammer things out.
It didn’t go well. Despite the fact that Harry “threw them a life line,” John said that “offering to negotiate after (they) got everything they want is not much of an offer.” Big Guy did his part; exerting the leadership skills he learned in Community Organizing school, he stood firm in his refusal to negotiate with domestic terrorists.
So, it looks like we’ll just sit back and wait for the inevitable stock market collapse caused by the anxiety surrounding the continuing government closedown and potential U.S. credit default. That should prove to be a winning hand in the upcoming debt ceiling negotiations with the arsonists and hostage takers.
Clearly, Big Guy has bent over backwards to work with these American Anarchists and they won’t budge. Butt don’t worry, we’ve got a solid game plan for dealing with them in the future.
Details to follow
SPECIAL NOTE OF THANKS:
I would like to thank everybody who voted for me inBig Fur Hat’s “Favorite Blog” award contest preliminary round! (And a special shout out to Bijou, for bringing it to our attention.) You guy’s blew the competition to smithereens (can I say that?)!!!
Canada Free Press??? SooperMexican??? Hey, I love CFP and SM, butt can we vote for Canadians and Mexicans in America now??? What next, Russians??? I guess Chicago Rules are in effect after all. Who knew?
Anyhoo, I’ll let you know when the final rounds begin, butt another of my beautiful nieces is getting hitched Friday and I’ve got more family obligations beginning today, so if any of you get wind of the finals before I do, please spread the word.
Until further notice, there will be no more photographs of Lady M taking “selfies” by the official White House photographer. Thanks Republicans!
How serious is this government shutdown?
Dead serious:
A lot of people immediately assumed that because some of Lady M’s ladies-in-waiting had been furloughed, she couldn’t even be bothered to tweet her own Tweets.
That is not the case at all, it just so happens that since we’ll be operating with a “skeletal” staff around here, Lady M will be busy with other nonessential chores.
Thanks to the heartless Republicans who don’t care anything about how the government shutdown will effect “real people” like Lady M, we have to make do without our dog handlers and personal chef.
Although, I’d sure like to know which government functionary put Chef and Dog Handlers on the “nonessential” list; apparently they’ve never seen the Wons walk the dogs:
And don’t even get me started on the “scooping the poop” job. Let’s just say that until such time as the furlough is over, we are going 100% organic:
Sunny, taking over the organic garden fertilization program
And while Sunny and Little Bo do miss their handlers,they don’t seem to mind being left on their own.
Lady M will be cookin’ dinner around here until the heartless Republicans cease and desist with their terrorist activities, unstrap the bombs they’ve strapped to their chests and release the hostages from the buildings that they’re burning down!
Anyway, don’t worry; there will still be plenty of Kobe beef on hand to keep Big Guy big and strong. And that’s a good thing because, as you know, he’s made it clear he’s standing tough against the Republican bullies who are holding us hostage here in the White House.
I have an important public service announcement to make. Here’s a synopsis of the official Statement from the President that Big Guy made last night to explain to the MSM how they should describe the Government Shutdown caused by the Anarchists of America – aka, the Tea Party:
“But if the United States Congress does not fulfill its responsibility to pass a budget today, much of the United States government will be forced to shut down tomorrow. And I want to be very clear about what that shutdown would mean -- what will remain open and what will not.”
Let me be perfectly clear: the government will continue all of its essential services. Now let me tell you about the unfortunate, horrific, terrible consequences of this unconscionable act by the Republicans who failed to pass a budget on my watch: All the National Parks will close! No Panda-cam!!
BO also said the government shutdown would have “real economic” impact on “real people” (as opposed to…I don’t know, Republicans?) And then TOTUS continued to tell “a whole bunch of” lies, half truths and damned lies that you’ve heard many times before, so no point repeating them here.
Then, one last point: the Affordable Care Act, affectionately known as “Obamacare” is moving forward, no matter what. Got that, Tea Party Anarchists? FORWARD!
“I’m always willing to work with anyone (except Republicans).” “I’m willing to negotiate (except on Obamacare, the debt ceiling and the continuing resolution).”
Butt since the official arrival of Obamacare was just an unconfirmed rumor until this morning, I had to hustle around and throw something for the big celebration together at the last minute. Unfortunately I didn’t really have enough time to bake it all the way through so I’m afraid it didn’t turn out all that well.
Still, I figured if I just slapped enough icing on it at the last minute, nobody would notice.
Under-baked, multi-layered, split, stacked, and iced. Good enough for gov’t work.
I admit, it doesn’t look all that appetizing. And frankly, I don’t care whether you want a piece of it or not; I worked on it all morning - you’re going to eat it!
Anyway welcome Obamacare: you are officially alive and kicking a**! Let the celebrating begin; finally - free contraception for everyone! Thank you Obama!
Some have more reason to celebrate than others; take federal employees, for example.
IRS employees, on the bridge
Except for members of Congress and their staffs (sacrificial lambs on the alter of “what’s good enough for the little people is good enough for us!”– sorry), no federal employee is required to buy or use Obamacare.
The rest of the federal government workers are exempt. That’s right, Big Guy, Lady M, the Wee Wons, JoeyB, Dr. Jill, Kathipottomus, Doc Roberts, (more on him in a minute) the rest of the Supremes and the millions of other federal toadies are all untouched by Obamacare.
That’s because federal workers outside of Congress, whether they provide essential or unessential services, remain covered by the most generous, platinum plated health care insurance plan in the history of the world: The Federal Employees Health Benefits (FEHB) Program. And did I mention that the federal retirees get the FEHB Golden Cadillac program as well? Do we know how to take care of our own, or what? Combined with the generous salaries and excessive sick and vacation time, it’s no wonder kids all want to grow up to be government functionaries these days.
Great salary, all those perks, plus on the job training! In Vegas,baby!
Still, members of Congress and their staffs still have good reason to celebrate. While they do have to buy insurance from an Obamacare exchange, Big Guy agreed to pick up the tab for their (not insignificant) subsidies for their platinum-plus plan.
Marking the official birth of Obamacare, Big Guy made a special award presentation this morning to Chief Justice John Roberts (affectionately known around here as ‘Doc Roberts’). He received the inaugural “Lazarus, Doktor of Medicine Award” for his single handed and successful intervention in raising Obamacare from the dead.
A short celebration followed where tea cakes, champagne and Mimosas were served by essential staff to the rest of the unessential government workers gathered to mark the event. (Can you believe that Keith Koffler dared question the essential status of our pastry chef?)
And don’t worry about all those government workers drinking on the job, as they were all unessential, they were sent home after the ceremony to continue their celebrating.
Have to run now. This totally racist government shutdown requires my intertoobs to be shutdown on 15 minute intervals every hour. Thank you Anarchists of America!
I don’t know why, butt I’ve found myself thinking a lot about Barry lately -- no not this Barry…
this one:
“I have little interest in streamlining government or in making it more efficient, for I mean to reduce its size. I do not undertake to promote welfare, for I propose to extend freedom. My aim is not to pass laws, but to repeal them. It is not to inaugurate new programs, but to cancel old ones that do violence to the Constitution, or that have failed their purpose, or that impose on the people an unwarranted financial burden. I will not attempt to discover whether legislation is "needed" before I have first determined whether it is constitutionally permissible. And if I should later be attacked for neglecting my constituents' "interests," I shall reply that I was informed that their main interest is liberty and that in that cause I am doing the very best I can.” -- Barry Goldwater
I don’t know why I’ve been so preoccupied with a politician who’s been dead for over 15 years; maybe it was this guy from the west
that reminded me of this guy from the west.
So I decided to search my hard drive for some old Barry Goldwater quotes, to re-examine his words for championing the conservative cause to see if they still “resonate” at all in the 21st century. Because back in the 60’s – if you’re old enough to recall – everyone said he was nuts.
“"I feel certain that Conservatism is through unless Conservatives can demonstrate and communicate the difference between being concerned with [the unemployed, the sick without medical care, human welfare, etc.] and believing that the federal government is the proper agent for their solution.” ― Barry M. Goldwater, The Conscience of a Conservative
Wow! That comment certainly resonates now more than ever! Maybe we’re onto something.
So to further refresh my memory module I accessed Senator Goldwater’sWaPo obituary to see what they had to say about him. It was very educational.
After the election, most analysts and commentators concluded that the Republican Party was hopelessly divided, and that Mr. Goldwater and his conservative philosophy were all but politically dead.
Check.
In fact, he had wrested control of the GOP from the Eastern liberal wing that had dominated it for years. By 1980, he was acknowledged as the founder of a conservative movement that had become a vital element in mainstream Republican thinking and a major ingredient in Reagan's political ascendancy.
Better put that one on the “to-do” list.
During his 1964 presidential campaign, Mr. Goldwater was attacked by Democrats and opponents within his own party as a demagogue and a leader of right-wing extremists and racists who was likely to lead the United States into nuclear war, eliminate civil rights progress and destroy such social welfare programs as Social Security.
That sounds just like the Tea Party! “They want to put you back in chains!”
Long before his retirement, he had come to be regarded as the Grand Old Man of the Republican Party and one of the nation's most respected exponents of conservatism, which he sometimes defined as holding on to that which was tested and true and opposing change simply for the sake of change.
Well,sometimes you have to go along to get along, right?
Or not.
The bluntness and candor that had so often damaged Mr. Goldwater's presidential campaign a decade earlier and his outspoken and harsh criticism of Nixon's failure to deal with the growing Watergate scandal were among the vital ingredients of his political renaissance.
Well, we still don’t really like bluntness, candor and harsh criticism. Butt for a while there in the 80’s we were willing to at least tolerate it.
A quintessential westerner and a man of great personal charm…He championed a brand of rugged individualism, and he never hesitated to speak his mind.
That reminds me of someone else too, let’s see who was it? Oh yeah…
When members of his own party advocated policies that he considered too much like those of the Democrats, he ridiculed them for "me-tooism."
Watch it “Me-too-McCain” – you might get crosswise with the shadow.
That convention, at the Cow Palace in San Francisco…was also remembered for Mr. Goldwater's own acceptance speech, in which he declared that "extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice and . . . moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue."
Now modern, progressive people think that extremism in the defense of “justice” is no vice;
and moderation in the pursuit of vice is no virtue.
So I’d have to say that one doesn’t hold up so well. If you’re a modern progressive.
Once in the Senate, Mr. Goldwater argued strenuously in favor of cutting back the power and spending of the federal government. He was against any kind of accommodation with the communist world and against what he perceived to be an increasing concentration of power in organized labor. He denounced foreign aid, high taxes, unbalanced budgets and anything else he thought threatened individuals or free enterprise. "I found myself becoming a political fulcrum of the vast and growing tide of American disenchantment with the public policies of liberalism," he said in 1970.
We could probably use a new “fulcrum” like that about now.
As a presidential candidate, Mr. Goldwater attacked what he described as a "corrupt, power-mad administration which has failed to provide moral leadership or control crime and disorder." He called Lyndon Johnson "the phoniest individual that ever came around."
Goldwater didn’t live long enough.
Johnson, in turn, called Mr. Goldwater "a raving, ranting demagogue . . . who wants to tear down society," and he made effective use of the charges already made against Mr. Goldwater by his opponents for the Republican nomination.
In 1980, after The Washington Post and the New York Times published stories about secret U.S. arms shipments to anti-communist rebels in Afghanistan, he urged that journalists who publish sensitive national security information be tried for treason.
I guess there really isn’t anything new under the sun.
Mr. Goldwater's political philosophy also included a strong military posture, a deep mistrust of the Soviet Union and a conviction that increasing the scope of government programs was not the way to solve social problems.
Gee, now that really does sound familiar; where have I heard that before? Oh yes…
Gosh! That Barry Goldwater; he must have been prescient or something. Or maybe just a good history student.
“We have taken the bait, preferring to put off to another day the recapture of freedom and the restoration of our constitutional system. We have gone the way of many a democratic society that has lost its freedom by persuading itself that if 'the people' rule, all is well.”
That certainly doesn’t sound good. Nor does this:
“Now those who seek absolute power, even though they seek it to do what they regard as good, are simply demanding the right to enforce their own version of heaven on earth, and let me remind you they are the very ones who always create the most hellish tyranny.”
What part of “tyranny” do you not get?
Well, that’s all for this “Goldwater (AuH2O) Monday.” Maybe we’ll do it again next week. Until then, stay locked and loaded, my friend.
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