Everyone Lies About Foreign Relations

Do you remember the old Bush color-coded terror alert level?

Big Guy got rid of it for public consumption butt we’ve always maintained a super-secret internal color-coded system.

Following an analysis of Jen Psaki’s interview with Ms. Megyn regarding the unplanned evacuation of the Yemen embassy from yesterday’s post, I think I’ve finally hacked it. The give away was when Jen explains why the U.S. still  trusts Yemeni rebels chanting "Death to America" to be our allies. That’s what’s known in the foreign affairs trade as a little white lie to prevent the citizens from thinking the State Department is run by a bunch of incompetent nincompoops.

After her performance even Charles Krauthammer noted that Jen is woefully underpaid. I take his point butt personally I think minimum wage would be excessive. I’ll withhold judgment until I see how she explains that little suicide-bomber incident at the Al-Asad air base.

Anyway, here’s the new State Department color code that  I’ve finally cracked; use it wisely.

All the Colors of State:

Blue:  guarded, only little white lies required

Green:  low, the lies might be a little more convoluted than normal

Purple: elevated, lies for your own good

Yellow: high crimes and misdemeanors

Red: severe, lies that may change the course of history

Black: Obama level lies – cover your ears and remove the children from the room

Note that additional shades of lies can be projected by the necklace selection;

hence a blue frock accented with a green necklace indicates that the lie of the day is a little more than your ordinary run of the mill simple white lie:

Psaki: No. Not hasty. All planned out. No need to use a military transport for our Marines.

Because we always leave our keys in the running embassy vehicles when we beat a “not hasty” retreat and our Marines always destroy they’re guns before leaving a country “not in haste.”

And here is my final piece of information regarding the secret color-coded system: when no sort of whopper will quite handle the fallout from our “strategic patience” policy (e.g. Benghazi), we pull the ginger-gal altogether and send in the JV team to take the heat.

Enjoy this corn dog while watching our featured movie: “The Innocence of Muslims”

It’s not called “Harfing” for nothing.

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Cross-Posted on RedState and Patriot Action Network

Truthiness and Job Rotation in the Political-Media Complex

Because his BuzzFeed audition tape was so well received by the critics,

H/T Gerard

Big Guy has decided to go ahead with the job rotation program he’s been contemplating ever since Brian Williams troubles began.

So he put down his gun,

picked up his pen and signed another executive action authorizing a high level career development job rotation plan. Here are the official “rotators” who are currently under/over utilized in their current job, bored with it, or otherwise planning to spend more time with the family:  John Kerry, Jon Stewart, Eric Holder, David Letterman, Brian Williams, Stephen Colbert and, of course, BO himself.

Here are the preliminary chess moves:

• Since it was his idea, Big Guy got first dibs, of course. He had a hard time choosing between the NBC Nightly News, the Daily Show and the Colbert Report because they’re all essentially the same gig - reading fake news that somebody else has written, 5 nights a week. He finally decided to go with NBC Nightly News because they pay more.

 Plus, his ratings weren’t that great when he filled in for Stephen Colbert

• President of the United States - That of course left the position of President of the United States open, and again, Big Guy had a dilemma: should he give it to Eric Holder, who could carry on the work of the  first, historic black President – important because America has always been and will continue to be, “essentially a nation of cowards" when it comes to race. Unfortunately, when David Letterman found out about the opening he called in his chits. After announcing his retirement from Late Night last year, it’s the only other gig he would consider: the hours are regular, the perks exceptional and as a well-practiced narcissistic jerk he is eminently qualified.

“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.”  - At least as well as the last guy.

• Next, Brian Williams – to Secretary of State because “truthiness” hasn’t been an essential job requirement there for the last 6 years.

Which is to say, at State “truthiness” is what we say it is.

Plus, Brian has a lot of pertinent international experience. In fact, I understand that he was on the last helicopter on the roof in 1975 when we evacuated the embassy in Saigon; that should prove very useful as we continue our evacuation plans for the rest of our embassies in the Middle East and around the world.

• Jean Carré  - to The Colbert Report, because like Jean, the Colberé  Reporé  seems vaguely and inexplicably French.

“Carré Reporé” – yeah, I think that works. If you can roll all the r’s.

• Eric Holder  - to Late Night. I know, he’s not a comedian, butt he’s at least as funny as David Letterman has been since his open heart surgery back in 2000. Which is to say, he’s about as funny as a heart attack.

Butt we’re assigning him a mentor to teach him how to be funny, so that should work.

• Stephan Colbert – to the Daily Show: again, I know: he was promised the the Late Night show following Letterman’s retirement. Butt that was before we located somebody for the job who’s less experienced, less funny, and less white. It’s called “restitution” and it’s perfectly legal, thanks to the guy who will be taking the reins from Letterman.

No problem, Colbert is a team player

• Jon Stewart - would have been a shoo-in for NBC Nightly News because he has more experience with fake news than anyone else in the pool, even including Big Guy. Butt hey Jon, welcome to Obama’s Amerika - where race takes precedence over performance. So I guess we’ll have to give Jon the Attorney General job until something more suitable opens up.

Yeah, I know: it’s all good till it happens to you, right Jon?

Besides, we could use a comedian over at Justice to lighten things up a bit  - and I don’t mean that in a  racist way; I’m talking about all the morale fallout caused by the Fast and Furious, Black Panthers, Travon Martin, and Ferguson “controversies.”

Of course, none of this is final. Everything could change on a whim, as it often does. For example, since Brian Williams considers himself more a comedian than a statesman, he’s still lobbying for one of the official fake news desks at Comedy Central. We might give him the Daily Show and since that would open the State Department up for Eric Holder- where he could lecture the rest of the world about being cowards when it comes to race – we could put Stephen Colbert back in as the Late Night host. Where he could practice his truthiness until it’s his turn to be President.

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Cross-Posted on RedState and Patriot Action Network

You say ISIS, I say ISIL

Well that didn’t last long – our “Strategic Patience” strategy I mean. Now Big Guy wants Congress to give him a  new authorization to use military force. Because he’s demonstrated his ability to handle it so well in the past. The only thing that concerns me is that he can’t seem to decide who or what he wishes to use this new authorization against.

I don’t know how you defeat an enemy when you can’t even settle on what to call them. You say ISIS, I say ISIL, lets call the whole thing off:

Which would probably be fine with Big Guy as he definitely doesn’t want to be a war time president:

"The president has been very clear: the form of struggle against ISIL is not going to look like the deployment of thousands of American ground troops and so forth.

he just wants credit for ending “Bush’s wars” once and for all:

"We also saw having deployed so many troops over so many years that unless the Iraqis congeal and have a kind of inclusive political system and have the military capability on the ground, anything we do is going to be stop gap. So it requires more patience and it's really is going to require more time because the troops are not in a state yet to do the full rollback and to sustain the gains that they make.

So, I guess we’re back to that “strategic patience” strategy after all.

I’ve got an early morning call (my time), so please carry on.

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Cross-Posted on RedState and Patriot Action Network

Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys

I didn’t intend to file a report on the Grammys this year, butt alas I feel compelled as the politics of race have once again injected themselves into what should have been just another celebrity self-celebratory event.

It wasn’t a shut out of black entertainers like the Oscar nominations, butt Beyoncé did not win the album of the year award as Kanye West felt she should have. So he took it upon himself, just as he did when Taylor Swift won instead of BFF Bey in 2009, to take to the stage in order to let the world know that she was robbed, again, by another blue-eyed blond.

We get it Kanye, Taylor and Beck aren’t black

And make no mistake, Kanye believes this is all about race:

"Beck needs to respect artistry, he should have given his award to Beyoncé. At this point, we tired of it. What happens is, when you keep on diminishing art, and not respecting the craft, and smacking people in the face after they deliver monumental feats of music, you’re disrespectful to inspiration.”

Inspiration like this is hard to come by

Nor was that the end of the racism at the Grammys. I don’t really know who Zach Braff is butt he revealed himself as a racist with this tweet comparing Pharrell’s Grammy bellboy outfit to the flying monkey in the Wizard of Oz (a part which Zach apparently played – wait, isn’t that racist?).

Poor Zach, he was apparently all like “What!? That was racist!? I didn’t know that was racist!” Boy some people are so naïve when it comes to race they don’t even know when they’re being racist.

So despite MOTUS’ general “no simian references” rule, I’m going to have to cast my support with Zach on this one. I mean, come on – if you don’t want people to call you a flying monkey, don’t dress like a flying monkey. How hard is this?

Besides, Pharrell was one of our peoples of color who “delivered monumental feats of music” for the win at Sunday’s award show:

Pharrell took home two Grammys - Best Solo Performance and Best Video - for his song Happy on the night.

His performance during the award show also provoked a reaction as it included dancers in black hoodies who struck a 'hands up, don't shoot' pose - a reference to the slogan used by protesters after the Michael Brown shooting.

Unfortunately the “hands up” gesture adopted by fans of social justice everywhere to register their displeasure for racist cops everywhere turned out to be based on something that NEVER EVEN HAPPENED. Boy that sort of thing, as a rule, could get you in trouble. Butt if you’re an “artiste” doing it as part of your “inspiration” it’s considered brilliant and edgy. If I was Brian Williams I would apply for membership in THEIR union.

Anyway, getting back to Kanye’s attacks on Taylor Swift and Beck for winning their Grammy: he didn’t target them because they were blue-eyed blondes, 

butt rather because of where they randomly happened to be (on stage, instead of Beyoncé).

Would you clowns just shut your yaps (I’m talking to you BO, Josh and Psaki)!

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Cross-Posted on RedState and Patriot Action Network

The People’s War on Mac and Cheese: The Dust Up

Michelle Obama: “Cheese dust is not food.”

Cheese Dust: “Food is not a public trust.”

I should warn advise you; now that Groundhog Day is over Lady M will be making appearances for 6 more weeks. Objective: hyping the  5th anniversary of her signature Let’s Move! program. My how time flies! Five whole years of yammering about what to stick in your mouth and how to move your booty telling America how to eat right and exercise. To celebrate, Cooking Light did a special cover story commemorating the anniversary:

In the article MO talks about her personal fight against boxed macaroni and cheese, bravely explaining how she had to be empowered to eliminate processed food in her own household:

At the time, her chef friend Sam Kass explained that boxed macaroni and cheese wasn’t “real food” and so the family shouldn’t eat it.

She recalled that Kass told her oldest daughter Malia that if she could take a block of cheese and turn it into powder, he would use it for their food.

“She sat there for 30 minutes trying to pulverize a block of cheese into dust. I mean, she was really focused on it, and it just didn’t work, so she had to give up,” she said. “And from then on, we stopped eating macaroni and cheese out of a box, because cheese dust is not food.

“Take cover! The cheese dust is heading straight for the children!”

I beg to differ; cheese dust is most assuredly a food, and pretty tasty one at that:

Finger-lickin’ good!

Next I suppose she’s going to tell us that bacon dust isn’t food either.

And if powdered foods are unacceptable I guess that explains why NASA has canceled it’s manned-flight program. Butt what are we going to feed our troops if powdered eggs are “dust” too?

And what about the preppers? What are they going to hoard?

Now I understand that – when used incorrectly – cheese dust can be very dangerous:

Butt then, when used incorrectly, what can’t?

A pen and a phone isn’t real legislation either.

 

Today’s Public Service Announcement was brought to you by Dust Mites Anonymous and Pixie Dust:

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Cross-Posted on RedState and Patriot Action Network

Vote For Your Favorite Next NBC Nightly News Reader

If it was CBS instead of NBC there would only be 60 Minutes left on the clock ticking down on Brian Williams.

So before they select his replacement I thought it might be helpful if we weighed in with our preference for the new face of NBC’s Nightly News. It’s a shame that Joanie Rivers left us so soon, as she would have been my hands down favorite.

Instead of thinking what everyone else was saying: how refreshing.

So Little Mo and I have rounded up the rest of the usual suspects for your consideration. Please review carefully and then cast your vote(s) for the reader that you’d most like to see fill Brian’s heroic shoes.

Here, in alphabetical order, are our candidates:

• Ted Baxter

"This is Ted Baxter wishing you goodnight... and good news."

As the long time news reader at WJM-TV in Minneapolis, Minnesota Ted practically invented good natured journalistic incompetence.  So he’s definitely got the chops and, I’d say, the look.

• Howard Beal

Howard has the chops too, butt I’m afraid that anger management issue might stand in his way:

• Kent Brockman

And before you say “MOTUS, you can’t have a cartoon character as the face of NBC Nightly News,” think about what you’re saying.

 

• Ron Burgundy

Not only does he have the experience, he’s got a history with NBC (SNL). And his two films raked in over $260 million - that’s what we’re talking about!

• Chelsea Clinton

Another NBC veteran, she already knows what it’s like to “land under sniper fire” - and her mom is the next President of the United States! Think what that could do for ratings.

• Stephen Colbert

The Millennials first choice, after Twitter, for news. Considered a longshot at this point as he’s slated for taking over CBS’ Late Night news desk from David Letterman.

• Esteban Colberto

It’s Stephen Colbert without the CBS baggage. Plus, he’s got that “Mexican thing” going for him. Do not write him off.

• Katie Couric

Katie has spent her long sabbatical from the news getting totally re-groomed in order to once again be the perkiest anchor evah! Kat is now a real cougar again and since she smells blood she’s prowling with claws bared…stay tuned!

• Lester Holt

Lester’s definitely got Joey B in his camp: "I mean, you got the second mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man." Could be a shoo-in.

• Matt Lauer

Old chrome dome has a long history with NBC, plus nothing – and I mean nothing - would make the morning crew happier.

• Chris Mathews

‘Nuff said!

• Andrea Mitchell

She’s been re-groomed more often than Katy and Madonna put together, butt the results are questionable. And after this critical comment she made about Big Guy: “You don't use the word Crusades, number one, in any context right now. It's just too fraught. And the week after a pilot is burned alive, in a video shown, you don't lean over backwards to be philosophical about the sins of the fathers,” I’m going to have to say she’s a very long shot, butt you’ve got to admire her knee jerk reflex to rein in free speech.

• Less Nessman

Before you count Less out just because his experience has been exclusively radio up to this point, watch this moving video reportage:

With that emotive ability I think he’s got a shot. We haven’t seen honest empathy like that since Ann Curry was sent packing.

• John Stewart

The Millennials second choice for nightly news. And he’s not afraid of Bill O’Reilly; I understand that’s what NBC is looking for.

• Barbara Walters

Legacy favorite. Sure she’s old, butt at this point what difference does it make? She can be “groomed” one more time if we need her.

I know I skipped over several others: The Reverend Al, George Clooney, Keith Olberman, Al Gore. Butt they’re all pretty busy doing other pretty important stuff. So cast your vote(s) for your favorites. As always, Chicago Rules apply, because were talking Journ0lists!

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Cross-Posted on RedState and Patriot Action Network

Are Teleprompter Readers Obsolete? Or Just Redundant?

Brian Williams is taking a sabbatical until he’s no longer the laughing stock of the internet - this is HUGE! I can tell because even Maureen Dowd can’t seem to find the humor in it. It’s as if she senses something more existential (yes, I said it) is at stake here. It may be starting to dawn on her that the broadcast (and print) journalism franchise is flailing. Like Radio Shack, who continued to hang around providing inferior product and service long after they had lost sight of their objective.

Here’s MoDo’s take on the situation:

Although Williams’s determination to wrap himself in others’ valor is indefensible, it seems almost redundant to gnaw on his bones, given the fact that the Internet has already taken down a much larger target: the long-ingrained automatic impulse to turn on the TV when news happens.

As the late-night comic anchors got more pointed and edgy with the news, the real anchors mimicked YouTube.

I wonder what’s worse, being obsolete, or redundant?

Or perhaps both:

I guess I can see how such existential dread could lead you to generate “self-glorying fantasies.” I’m just surprised MoDo picked up on this; I wonder what tipped her off to the pending end of the world as she knows it? Was it the acrid smell of mendacity?

The frightening confrontation of a delusional mind? 

Or perhaps it was finally confronting the depravity of absolute narcissism?

Spot the narcissist

Whatever it was that put MoDo on the truth trail after all these years, I’ve got to admit, she nailed it: 30 years after many of us first began to get wind of it. Better late than never.

Social media — the genre that helped make the TV evening news irrelevant by showing us that we don’t need someone to tell us every night what happened that day — was gutting the institution further.

The nightly news anchors are not figures of authority. They’re part of the entertainment, branding and cross-promotion business.

As the performers — Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, John Oliver and Bill Maher — were doing more serious stuff, the supposedly serious guys were doing more performing.

Unfortunately doing “more serious stuff” is a very low bar indeed when we’re talking about nightly newscasts that are “rife with cat, dog and baby videos, weather stories and narcissism,” all of which can likewise be viewed at your convenience on the innertubes. So there’s that whole redundancy thing again, eating away at your relevance. Everybody gets the news tweeted  out to them long before the evening network news hits the air.

So here’s my take: anytime you have a story that gets Maureen Dowd and Mark Steyn on the same page, it’s got legs.

Stephen Glass and Jayson Blair didn't kill American journalism. But the absurd self-aggrandizement of journalism…is a big part of the narcissistic culture that lures a competent well-coiffed teleprompter reader down the path to fake war stories.

And that’s nearly as bad as telling tall tales about your dying mother’s being denied insurance coverage in order to pass your legacy healthcare legislation.

Hey! Watch who you’re calling a teleprompter reader!

As a wise man once noted: “Teleprompter readers: you can’t live with them butt you sure as hell can live without them.”

That’s right, we both slow-jammed the news with Jimmy Fallon; what about it?

In other news, members of the royal Obama family dined with Thomas Nides and Virginia Moseley in their swanky Washington home last night. Nides is vice chairman of investment bank Morgan Stanley. His wife is a CNN executive. My guess is they were just trying to secure Malia’s future while the getting’s still good.

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Cross-Posted on RedState and Patriot Action Network