Reading Our Tea Leaves

 

Well, if they won’t listen to the Tea Party, maybe they’ll listen to the people who invented tea:  China told Big Guy yesterday that the U.S. must “cure its addiction to debt” and learn to “live within its means.”

I hate to mention this, but dealing with “addictions” is not really our strong suit.

Nor is anything that requires numbers and math; like budgets.

It looks like we were fortunate to get our Hip Hop dance party in before the hammer came down. And now I know why Timmy wasn’t invited. It wasn’t just because he doesn’t know how to bust a move – other than metaphorically.

It looks like between Timmy refusing to bite the bullet on spending and raising the debt ceiling,

and the Bernanke, running his printing press around the clock, we now have a fine mess our hands.

Standard and Poor’s slapped us with a downgrade from AAA to AA+ and gave us really bad marks on corporate governance too. This is especially painful because it’s the first time Big Guy has ever received anything other than a AAA+ for any of his efforts.

Butt wait! Isn’t S&P currently under investigation for their role in the mortgage/credit default swaps mess? Why yes, they are.

Look a bit closer at what S&P said about the downgrade: ah ha! - it’s all the R-words fault! For not agreeing to raise taxes (revenues)! (No mention of the Dems refusal to make any real spending cuts. Odd, given the over all scolding tone about irresponsible spending in the downgrade report.) Could they be in negotiations for a settlement?

Me thinks me smells a rat!

And sorry Tiny Tim, you’re the one going overboard in order to “facilitate” this little piece of political finesse. That’s why, despite your snit about S&P making a little $2 trillion error, (surely you of all people, Tiny, understand how easy it is to make an accounting error) they proceeded with the downgrade anyway.

The fix was already in. The wise guys had already cut the deal.

So. It’s done. And sorry Timmy, butt your fingerprints were found on everything: your Stimulus (aka Porkulus), your burgeoning deficits, your toxic asset plans, your debt ceiling call. Gives a whole new meaning to Big Guy’s comment that you were “the only one who can do the job” doesn’t it?

Turbo Timmy, explaining our plans for “Winning the Future” WTF

What he meant was you were the only one stupid enough to serve as the fall guy if things went wrong.

I needn’t point out just how wrong things have gone, do I?

JWF via Doug Ross

You should have caught on when you were sent to China to tell them that their “ U.S. investments are safe” and even the students laughed at you,:

What’s so funny?

Here’s as simple as it gets: if a “financial wizard” can’t even do his own taxes (with the help of Turbo-tax no less) and get it right, how on earth could we except our little weasel to manage the books of the (once) richest country on earth?

Believe me, I’ve seen Timmy the Tool Man around the Big White and I wouldn’t let him run the till at Starbucks, let alone the largest economy (for now) on earth.

I hope he enjoyed his last meal on the U.S. government with the Bernanke last night:

Because no matter how hard he tried to blame the failure to find The Way Forward on Benny,

the decision has been called: we can’t WTF with this tiny little man.

So in case you ever wondered what happens when you put a little man into a big job that he’s totally unqualified for due to a complete lack of experience, training and temperament: now you know.

You’re looking at it, my friend:

 

NEVER SEND AN ICONOCLAST TO DO A PATRIOT’S JOB

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Sustaining the Unsustainable

We had a few close friends, political allies, financial backers and family members over for a backyard barbeque last night for the – you know – big 5-0.

Sous chef setting up out back

You’ll never guess who was here, well maybe you will: San Fran Nan, Harry R, of course, along with the Chi-town set, Rahmbo, Val-Jar, Susan Sher and B-Diddy. Then there were the guests representing the  glitterati think tank: Tom Hanks, Whoopi Goldberg, Chris Rock, Jay Z, Stevie Wonder. Along with 190 other close personal friends and wealthy acquaintances!

And because Big Guy’s PR team finally got wind of public sentiment they left the event off of Big Guy’s public schedule, banned press (read: photo embargo) and put out an announcement that the Wons would be paying for this momentous half century celebration out of their own pocket. Now that’s what I call PR. Finally they did something to earn their keep around here.

As a birthday present though, the group passed the hat after the dancing barefoot in the grass started. Little Mo tallied the gate and reported that all expenses had been covered with an adequate surplus for funding future “private parties” for the Wons. It’s certainly the first and likely the last surplus we’ll experience in this administration.

Because the situation is so tenuous, Big Guy spend time earlier in the day “working very closely with his senior economic advisors to come up with new proposals’ to “work on the jobs situation.”

“So,Timmy, you’re right; I do need some new drivers. What do you think? Ping or Callaway?

So, in lieu of live photos, here are a couple I got from Madame Taussaud’s Museum, where they dressed the waxy figures up for the Birthday celebration yesterday:

Yeah,I know. They don’t look very real, butt what to you expect? They’re made of wax.

And speaking of waxing reminds me of waning; have you seen the stock market lately?

Ouchie

They seem to be having a Big Guy bounce. And Big Guy’s poll numbers? They’re at least 10 years younger than he is now. In fact, the only thing “waxing” around here lately have been unemployment numbers and the number of houses “under water.” And yes, I know: the Labor Department said unemployment fell from 9.2 to 9.1% in July. What did you expect them to report? This is our second summer of recovery. They have the entire rest of the year to issue a “restatement.”

Butt no reason to focus on economic stuff when we’ve got a good party to discuss. On the menu: chicken, steak, world famous Chicago dogs (neon green relish not optional, we do things the Chicago way around here), salad (“locally grown” of course, if you get my drift) beans and corn and several kinds of Big Guy’s favorite pies. Oh, and Birthday cake. Of course. It was his 50th birthday you know.

Just add 6 and divide by 100 to get our GDP

Lady M used the occasion to blast out an email yesterday to all of Big Guy’s friends and supporters explaining how the Prez is hard at work for the American people:

“Every day, I see Barack make choices he knows will affect every American family.That's no small task for anyone -- and more proof that he's earning every last one of those gray hairs.”

And invited everyone to send birthday wishes to the president by signing an electronic card. Of course, people took the opportunity to send all sorts of messages:

I know some of you have already sent your greetings. I’ve seen them, and I know which ones came from you. Butt for future references, you might like to know that:

“Your names and notes will become part of a book that tells the story of this campaign -- who's building it, why we're in this thing, and what he means to us.”

I sure hope you didn’t use your real names.

Anyway, we’ve got a lot on our plate these days, what with a double dip recession looming large with every “driver” already implemented and every trick in the book already played.

So here are our near term plans for working on this issue of critical national concern: this weekend we’ll be going to Camp David to chill out and getting ready for our week long bus tour through the heartland (e.g. swing states) after having spent a “very sustained period here in Washington.”

I wonder if we plan on repainting the bus? People might take this the wrong way.

And then, of course, we will be spending our own very sustained period on Martha’s Vineyard where we’ll be taking the pulse of the very wealthiest Americans who can afford to pay a little more.

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Our Birth Certificate Says We’re 50 Today.

Lady M didn’t go to Big Guy’s birthday party in the Windy City after all. (She had a sick headache.) Butt she did send Granny R along to keep tabs on Big Guy. He’s been so overworked lately Lady M wanted to make sure he got home early to catch up on his sleep. Because you know, he didn’t sleep at all during the debt crisis.

And knowing how Rahmbo and the rest of the Chicago Boyz are, she wanted to make sure he didn’t participate in the after-party partying,that they’re famous for.

Big Guy returning to the Big White with his chaperon.

Since nobody messes with Granny R, even Rhambo, there were no private after glows for Big Guy so they were home by midnight, as “requested.”

The Birthday parties were a huge success though, raking in over $3.6 million! The wealthiest of Americans paid their fair share last night.

Butt don’t think Big Guy didn’t earn his birthday gifts. First, he had  protests outside the Aragon to ignore. Tea Partiers on one corner, Latinos demanding citizenship on another, Union members on another (apparently our Big White staff hired non-union labor to set up and tear down at the Aragon. Talk about not getting on the high speed train!). And then, the air conditioning pooped out at the Argon(maybe because of a labor dispute?). And it was HOT inside: 92 degrees!

Breaking a Sweat, for a change

In case you were unable to go, either because you weren’t in Chicago or you’re not one of the nation’s wealthiest tax payers, here’s a brief summary of the event from our normally supportive LATimes:

Amazingly, 64% of the way through his own term, Obama is still talking about the final 12% of his predecessor's two terms.

How bad the economy in 2008 was, fully 33 months ago. How the economy shrunk 8% -- in 2008. Worst he'd ever seen. He said the economy got worse before his plans took effect.

Obama's literally still saying "Yes, we can." But he doesn't say why we haven't. No explanation for why the economy's still so bad despite all of his plans and spending and Joe "The Stimulus Czar" Biden's job growth promises. How unemployment is back up to 9.2% with economic indicators softening and GDP growth anemic.

Hmmm. That seems a little…hyper-critical. Have they not heard of last year’s “Recovery Summer?”

Maybe I’m just being overly sensitive. Butt can you blame me? First Eric Cantor claimed Big Guy was in over his head. Then the Gateway Pundit reports that everyone – R-words and Dems – asked the Prez and staffers to leave them alone during the Big White debt negotiations so they could get a little work done! How insulting; implying that Big Guy was not just superfluous, butt an obstructionist as well. That’s just crazy. Isn’t it?  He is the smartest man in the room. Isn’t he?

OK, call me when you need me then.

Well, at least we had some hot fun in the old town last night! Mayor Rahmbo was on board to greet BO:

Old friends of a feather

And introduce headliner Jennifer Hudson – lordy, she is hawt!

Big Girl, little man

Probably just as well that Lady M couldn’t make it.

Big Girl, little men

Rahmbo introduced Big Guy to the adoring crowd:

Rahm gives tributes to Big Guy…uh oh!

And then there was the entertainment! Oh wait, we couldn’t stay for the concerts, because we had another fundraiser to hit up attend: dinner upstairs. And what magnificent food! Although we didn’t arrive in time for the actual dinner – due to our earlier video teleconferencing event that raised money in honor of Big Guy’s birthday all across the country! I’m sure the food was good though, at $35,800 a plate. Probably all locally grown and sourced.

And don’t worry about BO going hungry; he grabbed a snack with his debt negotiation team before leaving D.C - at Lady M’s favorite burger joint (Good Stuff, where they even have a burger named after Lady M! It’s big and beefy! It used to be a turkey burger, butt they switched back to beef after that nasty salmonella outbreak.) Anyway, it was Big Guy’s way of saying “thank you” to the team for all of their efforts. Too bad they were out of the turkey burgers though.

Big Guy treats his senior debt negotiation team to burgers. If they hadn’t all been asked to leave the negotiations because they were causing so much trouble, they might have gotten a lobster. 

Good old TOTUS though, he loaded up the birthday/fundraising speech and plodded on at all three events held in the hot, hot hot Aragon Entertainment Complex. Despite the heat, he made Big Guy sound like…like…well, like he’s running for President again:

The thing that we all have to remember is, is that as much good as we’ve done, precisely because the challenges were so daunting, precisely because we were inheriting so many challenges, that we’re not even halfway there yet. When I said, “change we can believe in,” I didn’t say “change we can believe in tomorrow."

Translation: “It’s Bush’s fault, butt I did the best I could. And since it’s so much worse than I thought I can’t clean it up without another term. And that’s why I need you, the wealthiest Americans, to give your fair share. Both at the office and at home.”

I know you’re all concerned about Lady M, because she hasn’t been seen for a long time. She’s just resting up.

Go ahead, take a load off

She’ll be hitting the fund raising trail herself real soon. And I think she may have gotten a touch of that salmonella from her “favorite” turkey burgers. Butt she’s feeling much better now, and we’re getting ready for Big Guy’s real birthday party tonight in the Rose Garden. Good food, cake and ice cream and other unspecified “treats.”

BTW: one of the evil Michelles is running a tweet list of suggestions for birthday games we might play tonight. My favorites so far: Musical Czars, Pin the Fail on the Elephant and Unfollow the Leader. (via Larwyns Linx)

This is going to be fun!

P.S. In case you follow this economic stuff: Dow down 260 points so far today, debt now equals the entire GDP, inflation creeping up. At least Big Guy got what he wanted for his birthday: the debt ceiling was raised!

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Congress Capitulates to Super-Congress; Super-Hero Suppers in Chicago

Thank goodness! We’ve finally taken care of the debt crisis! Now we can get back to our work for the American People: raising money to buy win our re-election.

Lady M still hasn’t made up her mind about whether she’ll be attending the big birthday bash/fundraiser in Chicago or not. She’s still a little miffed about last year’s birthday celebration, when she was in Spain sacrificin’ for the American people and ending racism on the Iberian peninsula while Big Guy was partying at a swanky Chicago restaurant with Oprah, Gayle, Val-Jar and two “unnamed friends” of unnamed sex.

Reigning in Spain, August 2010

Butt she might just decide to go because she doesn’t usually hold a grudge for more than a year. By that time someone else rotates to the top of her list.

It is going to be a swell party at the world famous Aragon Ballroom: Herbie Hancock alone is worth the trip. And that’s not all: we’ve also got OK Go – and you know how much Lady M loves punk rock – and Jennifer Hudson. She’ll be singing the traditional Presidential “Happy Birthday” to Big Guy. That could put Lady M back into the “no fly zone.”

Marilyn’s performance of “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” for JFK. I’m not saying she was a featherhead or anything, butt she did use notes.

Everything would have been OK if Jennifer had stayed pleasantly plump like she was when she first burst onto the scene. Instead of hawking for Weight Watchers and dropping a ton:

And stealing Lady M’s signature boob belt stylin’

So we’ll just have to wait and see. Air Force Won doesn’t leave till late this afternoon, so it all depends on what we have for lunch.

And did you hear about Big Guy’s birthday resolution? (I’m unfamiliar with this custom, I guess I need a cultural customs pak update.) He quit smoking, according to Lady M. Again! I guess all the stress of the past few weeks, with people actually calling his bluff – even after he warned them not to - finally got to him and he slipped off the weed wagon.

Thankfully, his poker skills are better than previously reported and he was able to turn Congress’ debt deal into a campaign speech in the Rose Garden to discuss his issues, which fluctuate between taxes, taxes on the rich, and taxes on oil companies. Oh yeah, and jobs. He’s so all over the jobs situation.

And don’t worry about all the pesky details of Big Guy’s “Grand Compromise:”  he announced the formation of another non-constitutionally mandated cabal, the Super-Congress. The “Super Congress of 12” is to be empowered with super-powers to pass super-laws, super-fast. Thus by-passing the lesser, decidedly non-super Congress comprised of the House and Senate.  I suppose this will send those wacky Tea Partiers back for their pitchforks. Although it looks like some of our loyal sycops over at Huffpo seem to be having issues too. So wow! This really is a bipartisan deal!

America! Meet your substitute super heroes: the Super-Congress! War at 11:00.

Once again, Big Guy would just like me to remind you that this is August, when everyone in Washington gets all wee-weed up over nothing. And besides, the “Super Congress” - which strips elected representatives of “the right to amend legislation” - is so patently unconstitutional that even our current Supreme Court will overrule it if it comes to that.

So we’ve got that going for us!

Don’t tell Big Guy though, it might bum him out right before his big party. Butt being a Constitutional scholar and lecturer, he probably already knows that.

Did someone call for a superhero?

I’ll Gladly Pay You…

How to take the spotlight off of Big Guy’s uh… “victory” in the debt ceiling dispute that ended with the R-words negotiating with themselves? Well, one way is to call our commercial-free National Public Radio sponsor reporters and grant an interview:

“Michelle doesn't take that [criticism] too seriously. Michelle knows that – well, let me put it this way. Michelle's never hid the fact that her favorite food is french fries, or that she's going to have a burger once in a while. The whole point that she's been making — which is common sense, and so this should be a non-issue — is how do we make sure that our kids, in particular, have balanced meals on a regular basis?”

“Balanced meals,” got it? Food-wise that means you get to keep your Happy Meal, to which we’ve added apple slices, butt you get to keep far fewer of your tasty French fries. Oh, and did I mention, the price has gone up?

Butt if this is all just “common sense” I wonder why Lady M has to waste so much of her precious time, and our money, on it?

Wait, maybe this is why:

“Because it'll make them healthier; it'll make them do better in school; and it forms lifelong habits that will improve their quality of life.”

I’m not sure about the “healthier” and doing “better in school” butt it certainly will help them get use to someone telling them what to do and taking away the best part – for their own good.

“And you know, I think that she has been adamant about saying that there's nothing wrong with having a treat once in a while. [ed. note, he said that with a straight face] There's nothing wrong with going ahead and having a milkshake or a piece of pie, or whatever else you crave.”

Oh yes, and a diet soft drink:

Because – and you probably didn’t know this – it’s all cumulative. So  even such a seemingly insignificant reduction in calories will prevent you from getting a little bit fatter. And if you think about it that way, you can feel better about the rest of those calories you just consumed.

“The question is, what — what is it that on a regular basis you're doing, and what can we do as a society to make sure that, for example, folks in low-income communities have access to a grocery store that actually sells fresh – fresh produce?”

Oh, I don’t know. Maybe make sure they have jobs so they can afford to buy organic arugula?

“And in fact, she — they did a wonderful announcement (last week) talking about food deserts, communities where you cannot – you know, in any reasonable way find fresh and healthy foods and if you do find it, then the prices are jacked up in those communities.”

See? A job really could help!

“And there was an announcement, cooperation from a whole bunch of retailers all across the country. They're going to – they're going to start building new stores that will not only create jobs but also give people healthier options.”

Finally! We get to the jobs! That’s a refreshingly healthy option!

 

“And that's what this is all about- - empowering people to have better options so that they can make better decisions for their family. It's not about people not having a hamburger once in a while."

Besides, we have plans to implement “the Hungarian solution” for your own good: Hamburger Taxes!

After the President's long answer, Martin pressed him further on Shake Shack, wanting to know if Mrs. Obama had ordered the sweet potato fries or the regular fries.

As the interrogation wrapped up NPR guy asked Big Guy how he felt about meeting the half century mark. As you might have expected, it’s really no big deal:

"You know, I feel real good about 5-0. The – obviously, I've gotten a little grayer since I took this job but otherwise, I feel pretty good," President Obama said. "And Michelle, you know, says that, you know, she – she — she still thinks I'm, I'm cute, you know. And I guess that's — that's all that matters, isn't it?"

Yes Big Guy, that is all that matters: the continuing adulation of your fans and family.

Don’t worry about the country: Congress is in session and all’s well in the arsenal of Democracy once again.

Just a little insight  from the smartest man ever to be President of the United States.

Deal with it. Getting older, I mean.

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Happy Meals and Happy Days

I just have time to bring you a couple of quickie items before I “git my motor runnin’” for a 2 day road trip to drum up support for Big Guy’s debt ceiling deal. They need me to use my powers to make the unprecedented “$1 trillion immediate cuts” look, well, like “ cuts” and “over a 10 year period” to look “immediate.” I think I can reflect that. Can’t I ???  I may need some help from Hub on this one. He’s much better with that space-time thing.

Everything else is on hold until Bone Man approves the new limit on Big Guy’s credit card.

Moovin’ on, I have good news to report regarding those Mickey D’s Happy Meals they’re packin’ with apple slices.

After finding more apple slices than paper in the trash bins, Ronald decided to kick the slices up a notch and make them tasty.

Yup, that’s a yummy “Caramel Dipping Sauce” you’re lookin’ at!

Lady M really doesn’t mind, because she loves caramel, especially on Cheetos, and the Happy Meals still have apple slices., and they still have her special Happy Meal at all DC area Golden Arches.

And now I have to go, butt I leave you with a little traveling music so you can begin celebrating our historic debt ceiling deal:

P.S. And don’t worry about Lady M. I know she’s had to lay low for awhile, butt she just discovered you can shop on-line! Did you know that the Shake Shack delivers? And Domino’s too!?!

Hopefully I’ll have more to report tomorrow.

Republicans: On A Train Bound For Nowhere

Little Mo just returned from a dangerous undercover mission: he was the pool mole spying on last night’s super-secret meeting between John Boehner, Mitch McConnell and Harry Reid. To avoid the regular LSM pool press, Bone-Man and Mitch took the Metro to the meeting, riding in a “private” car on the BLUE line, running from Largo Town Center (on the Right) to Franconia-Springfield (on the Left).

Click pic to embiggen

It was a pretty emotional train ride. Here’s Little Mo’s report, set to traveling music hopefully for your enjoyment:

As Boehner reached for another Marlboro, the door between cars opened and a shadowy figure,wearing a Stetson, slowly walked in past the security guards. Stunned, they sat in silence as the man sat down in the seat across from them and stared out the window...

 

“The Gambler”: Kenny Rogers

On a warm summer's eve
On a train bound for nowhere

We met up with the gambler

We were all too tired to sleep

So we took turns a-starin'
Out the window at the darkness

North v South Korea at night: cursing the darkness

The boredom overtook us, he began to speak

He said, "Son, I've made a life
Out of readin' people's faces

 

Knowin' what the cards were
By the way they held their eyes

 

So if you don't mind my sayin'
I see you think you're out of aces

 
For a taste of your whiskey
I'll give you some advice"

So I handed him my bottle
And he drank down my last swallow
Then he bummed a cigarette
And asked me for a light
And the night got deathly quiet
And his faced lost all expression
He said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy

Brandenburg Gate: Calling them out

You gotta learn to play it right

You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away

Know when to run

You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table

Especially when you’re holding all the chips

There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done

Every gambler knows
That the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away

And knowin' what to keep

'Cause every hand's a winner

And every hand's a loser

Your tax dollars at work

And the best that you can hope for
Is the promise you must keep"

And when he finished speakin'
He turned back toward the window
Crushed out his cigarette
And faded off to sleep

And somewhere in the darkness
The gambler he broke even

And in his final words
I found an ace that I could keep

You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away

And know when to run
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table

There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done
You've got to know when to hold 'em
(When to hold 'em)
Know when to fold 'em
(When to fold 'em)
Know when to walk away
And know when to run

You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done

You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done

 

 Painting by: Bill Hampton

“There were a helluva lot of things they didn’t tell me when I hired on with this outfit.”

 

Man up John-boy. Grab a hat, get on your horse and let’s ride!

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