Saturday, August 1, 2009

HOPE for America’s Fashion Designers

Did you see the New York Post “hit piece” on Anna Wintour?

anna's idea-button copy

Anna was attending the Council of Fashion Designers of America town hall meeting (town halls are so “in”) when La’ Donna (Donna Karan) and “L” (Elie Tahari) voiced concerns about the sustainability of the American fashion industry due to falling profits resulting from steep retail markdowns (sales, for those of you in fly-over).

So BFF Anna asks the perfectly reasonable question:

"Could someone lead a committee that would make ground rules for retailers when the discounting starts, and then all the retailers can agree to it?"
When CFDA President Diane von Furstenberg pointed out, "That's illegal," Wintour said: "Is that something we can change? We have friends in the White House now."

Then, from outer space, comes this vicious attack from  tax-lawyer-cum-fashion-disaster-shyster, Vano "The Vain":

"That may be OK over there(Europe)," says Vano Haroutunian, a New York lawyer focused on the apparel industry. "But here, it sounds like collusion."

Anna, babe, you just run with it. Don’t let all that “anti-trust” stuff worry you. We have friends in the White House now,remember? They can’t touch us.

As for you, Vano, and your puppet master at FOX, let me pass on some advice from POTUS: “Don’t bet against us”

Oh yeah, and Vano – there is no “H-O-P-E” in “collusion”

In a statement just released statement from our newly appointed Fashion Czar, MOTUS (that’s me):

“Transforming America’s Fashion System to create or save fashion-forward attire and accessories is a priority of this administration. 
For too long now, America’s fashion designers have been held hostage to the greedy interests of parasitic corporate retailers.
The Obama administration does not stand with them.”


Friday, July 31, 2009

The After the Show Show

You’ve all seen the photo-op shots of the beer summit, but Lady M was so pleased with the way I refracted her into her St. Provo Girl outfit that she authorized the release of this photo from behind the scenes. You’ll probably notice that Joey B wasn’t invited to the after the show show. Not that he isn’t just one of the regular guys, but we’ve found him to be better at photo ops than negotiations, or anything else that requires him to talk.

beer summit secret photo copy

As you can see, MO looks stunning dressed up in her American designed Tyrolean outfit. For you snarks out there who keep suggesting that FLOTUS might benefit from a wonder bra - with my lens and imaging features, she doesn’t need to put herself through that torture. But you be the judge.

We’ll not be seeing MO in this outfit again, even though POTUS and Toes both loved her dance routine with the Festivus pole. That’s good news for me, because that required the use of everyone of my back-up drives.

We’re not maintaining that this was a 100% successful summit, as the prof and the cop still disagreed about the race thing when it was over. But at least we got the Commie Pinko from Harvard to drink an American beer. No, you dolt, Professor Gates, not BO.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Another Clinton Mess to Clean Up

Oh lord!! Here we are, trying to figure out what MO should wear to the kegger tonight when this nightmare story breaks!

Our organic salad bowl out back is contaminated with lead – from a previous administration’s indiscretions!

The likely source of the toxic sludge that has ruined Michelle's garden? The Clinton White House apparently used a sludge-based product to fertilize the lawn during the 1990s! Aside from casting a shadow on the first White House vegetable garden since Eleanor Roosevelt resided there, the sludge ensures that Michelle's garden will never attain organic status. Organic certification processes strictly prohibit the use of sludge as a fertilizer substitute.

Never organic! You’ve no idea how bad it’s going to get around here today.

And doesn’t it just figure that it was the Clintons. Why, oh why, couldn’t it have been the Bush administration?

More on the polka party later. I’ve got a mess to clean up.


Whoa! Dude. We know MO started that whole “toned arms” trend, but seriously, Madge, have some fries with that macrobiotic tofu.

madonna toned

I’ve seen frog legs with more meat on them.

I know you’re not FLOTUS, but you’ve got more money than the entire Chicago Machine. You could afford a whole house full of trans, hyper and quantum imaging mirrors(call me if you need a referral). They could make you look Vanity Fair ready on a moments notice - even if your derriere was the size of the Capital dome.

I just knew that Kabbalah thing wasn’t going to turn out well. Although, I guess it’s better than Scientology.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Chicago? The Milan of the Midwest? Seriously?

Do you see now what I have to work with here? No wonder I’ve been so exhausted lately.

In Michelle Obama's hometown, working women hustle back and forth from home to the office in stylish shoes they can walk fast and far in. They wear chic but commonsense coats that keep them warm in the winters — and those famous sleeveless tops favored by the first lady in the summer.

Anyone who comes from a place that thinks you can safely use the words “chic” and “commonsense” in the same sentence is going to require a lot of trans-imaging.

AP is calling Chicago  the “Milan of the Midwest.” No, seriously. Never underestimate the MSM’s ability to make stuff up. They all listed Hollywood as their first choice at vocation night, so fantasy comes natural. But this one was a stretch even for people living their dream.

So I tried to connect the dots. Milan gave us Gucci, Prada, Armani, Dolce & Gabbana and Versace: Chicago gave us Bob Newhart, John Belushi, Oprah and Hugh Hefner – also, Ted Kaczynski, Saul Alinsky and Bill Ayers. I’m not seeing it yet, and I’ve got the worlds best optics.

OH WAIT! Milan… ITALY! Chicago… Al Capone, Mayor Daley I, Mayor Daley II. Coming into focus now. At least the O’s aren’t from New Jersey.

Oh, and did you know John Dillinger was from Chicago too?

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

First Country Music, Now Beer?

Yeah, yeah yeah. I know. This is not very flattering.

michelle staircase

I was working on the waist (which you have to admit, looks pretty fantastic) and forgot about the hair and that whole “looking angry” thing. They both look like they’re sucking lemons. My bad.

But you have to understand how pissed off the two of them are over that Gates-gate thing. No, it’s not what you think. This is a post-racial presidency, remember?

No. It’s just that we got a lot of negative press following the release of all the facts that BO didn’t know at the time. And after all those stupid cops stood up for Officer Crowley, MO and BO had to invite the Irish cop over for a beer.

For the record: we serve Bordeaux in the White House, not beer. Sheeze. What next, hot dogs and brats? I thought the Bushes were gone.

It’s A Cinch

You know what it’s like when you work really,really hard, and you know what you’re doing is really, really important; but you just don’t know if anybody else out there really cares?

Well, splash me with Windex and polish me to a sheen! Lisa A. Flam from the AP just made my day. In case you live in a cave, or a building without concierge service, and happened to miss it, she is reporting on a critically important MOtrend. (That’s what we call trends the Obamanistas give MO credit for starting whether she did or not).

I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. The trend: Wide Belts.

I’m too geeked right now to talk about how hard it is to refract a proper waist on Lady M but, it’s some of my best work.  Lisa clearly knows how much I have contributed to the success of this look, and tells the world in the first sentence:

“The most important thing to do before incorporating a wide, waist-cinching belt into your fall wardrobe is to take a good look in the mirror …”

I L-O-V-E this girl !!! 

Hugs and Air-kisses Lisa !!!! You keep writing these great stories and I’ll continue to pull “my” weight.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Former Spy Caught at White House Luncheon

Did you hear about the spy that slipped into the Annual Design Awards luncheon here in the East room last Friday? Apparently SPY magazine founder Kurt Andersen.nearly had the vapors when Lady M brushed his seersucker:

“It was the National Design Awards; I did not remove my jacket, but I was the only person in seeruscker (sic); more mesmerized than bored, especially when, moments before this picture, the First Lady slowly brushed her hand across my shoulder as she made her way to the podium. (Also: I stole a paper towel with White House insignia from the bathroom.)”

Puh-lease … and Kurt, baby, I don’t care what you read in the NYT fashion section, seersucker is sooo bourgeois.

ME-MO-kurt_andersen_ copy(That’s me, right behind Lady M)

First of all, Lady M never touches seersucker, and secondly, she doesn’t “brush”. She “fist-kisses”.

Now Kurt, go answer your doorbell. The Secret Service agents want the towel back.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Hub’s New Facebook Pics

I’m taking a tiny break from commenting on all things fashionable at the White House  to put in a plug for my brother Hub’s (see my Bio) latest glamour shots from deep space. He used his embedded hyper-imaging photons along with his recently installed Wide Field 3 camera to capture this beguiling image of Jupiter, post Armageddon:

hub's glamour shot

I’d enlarge it for you (which is easy with my imaging technology), but frankly, I think it looks altogether too much like a stage 3 melanoma. And that just brings up that whole nasty “Obamacare” issue that we’re trying to put under wraps until our vacation is over.

But seriously bro, way to go.