Saturday, July 10, 2010

When Snarks Attack: 8

Now that the mercury has dropped enough for my CPU overheat protection circuits to cycle off, I’ve been able to put my super-secret nominating committee back to work screening the nominees for June’s coveted Golden FLOTUS Award. I know it may seem a little untimely, but you must remember there was a holiday weekend in there. Plus I’m used to operating on government time where “tomorrow” means before the next election (as long as public opinion polls are still supportive), “next week”  means “in your dreams” and “by the end of the quarter” requires an algorithm to calculate the odds of it ever occurring. So I’m just pleased to be presenting the June finalists prior to the autumnal equinox.

And June was a humungous month for snarking. It also marked the historic transformation of my blog’s commenting format to the new 21st century Echo system, which has ushered snarking to heights unknown. The old comment system sucked, but what could you expect – we  inherited it from the Bush administration. And now that I’ve upgraded and generated many additional comments, I feel as though I’ve created at least one new job for someone to assist me in reviewing the entries for the monthly snark contest. I believe that should qualify me to receive stimulus funds  to pay for the assistant for at least 3 years. But I haven’t heard back yet from the Office of Management and Budget about my request. They told me maybe “next week,” so I’m hopeful.

So left with just the resources of my existing super-secret nominating committee, it has taken a long time to narrow the extraordinary entries this month to the final list of our traditional baker’s dozen. And so, without further adieu, here in alphabetical order are your June 2010 “When Snarks Attack: 8” nominees for the coveted Golden FLOTUS:

When Snarks Attack-8 Nominees

June, 2010

(comments may be edited by moi)

Anonymouse: "Size: It Matters"

“Shrinking is right ... Should just about fit through that drain he is circling.”

arabella trefoil: "What a Difference a Year Makes"

“... Maybe he's a manorexic… “

bettyann: "Harry’s Desert Daycare Camp"

“... Lovely snakeskin flat idea on the "shoe-about" in the steeping desert. Never have snakes experienced their own in such ... shall say, an ACTUALIZED manner??”

DeniseVB: "Return of the Boob. Belt.

“Ya'll leave Barrack alone! You know he doesn't have time for the troops after a strenuous 4 hour golf game to relax. Why he's back in the Gulf states today trying to talk the oil back in the hole.”

FLDemFem: "Swan Lake Song"

“... The pic should be captioned, "Surrender, or we send her to give all your women makeovers!!"”

Jules: "We’re Number Two! And Fighting to Hold On"

“In lingering a little longer in front of a mirror, this guy would likely give Carla a run for her money:”

Lynn: "The Morton Salt Presidency: When He Reigns, We’re ..."

“FFA strikes again!! ... Is it any wonder the jihadis want us all in burqas?”

Madame Defarge: ""Mamas, Please Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboy...

“Yep, as the saying goes: "All hat and no cattle."”

MichelleIndependent: "Sacrificing For the Fans"

“... Is Spandex our national fabric now?”

MJ: "Prince Hamlet in the Oval"

"The time is out of joint: O cursed spite,
That ever I was born to set it right!"
- William Shakespeare, Hamlet, 1.5

Translation: WTF! This isn't what I signed up for!”

nellyq: "The Silver Streak: Unsafe at Any Speed-O"

“The Second Coming of Nefertiti's magic boobs were something, weren't they? A cups one day, DDs yesterday night. I guess that goes with the magic hair.”

PortiaElizabeth: "“Best In Show” At G-20, Eh?"

“It appears the judges were  from the Hound group.”

Suzette: "The Silver Streak: Unsafe at Any Speed-O"

“Love how her silvery body makeup matches the tone of her, uh ... dress I guess it is. I saw that once on a tunnel bunny standing outside the Holland Tunnel - no lie.”

Congratulations to this month’s nominees and to all the small people who helped them. Polls will remain open until 11:59 PM, Monday, July 12 or until Big Guy plugs the damn hole. As always, Chicago rules are in effect. Vote early and vote often, for yourself, your favorite snark, or, like Toes does, against the guy you hate.

May the best snark win, or at least come close to the Won who plays Chicago rules the best.

Friday, July 9, 2010

One Leak We Did Plug

OK, let me get this out of the way right up front:


As you know, I’ve been on assignment here at Big White imaging and projecting our nation’s First Ladies since the Reagan administration. And I think I’ve done a pretty darned good job of remaining apolitical in what seems to become a more and more partisan milieu with each incoming administration.  

And while I’ve seen my share of marital spats (Bill and Hill) and  POTUS/FLOTUS snipings at the VPOTUS/SLOTUS (Bill and Hill again, but then, who could blame them) I must say I’ve never heard any of my FLOTUS-es trash-talking their predecessors or successors even in the family chambers, let alone publically. It’s simply not done.

So what am I to do, now that someone with a really big mouth  leaked Lady M’s snarky comments about Laura to that nosey National Examiner?  In MO’s behalf I can say this:


She has issues that pre-date the move to the Big White, and she did have a few pops before those hateful words escaped her attention. And all I can say, officially, is that no one is happier than I am that bigmouth Desiree is gone. She never met a reporter she didn’t like.

desi  You can’t keep that woman’s lips sealed with crazy glue.

So take a look at what the NE printed, thanks to Dezi’s “insight:

Michelle Obama is furious that she only got a passing mention in Laura Bush’s best-selling memoir and feels that she’s being snubbed by the former First Lady, say sources.

“Michelle is fuming that she was just an afterthought in Laura’s book,” reveals a Washington insider: “she’s taking it as a personal slight.”  Laura didn’t mention Michelle until page 426 of her book, Spoken From The Heart, and at that point she only briefly recalled showing the then First-Lady-to be around the White House.

Shortly after their White House meeting, Laura added fuel to the fire by saying in a TV interview that Michelle, 46, didn’t ask for any advice when she visited the White House — and they mostly talked about closets.

“That really set Michelle off,” says the insider:  “here she is, an accomplished career woman who helped to orchestrate her husband’s historic run for the Presidency, and Laura makes her sound like a dimwit who’s only interested in closet space.”

This whole controversy unveils the ugly downside of narcissistic personality disorder: when you think everything is about you, you occasionally overlook key issues relating to others. In this case, Lady M missed the fact that Laura Bush’s book, Spoken From The Heart was really about, um, Laura, not her.

bushcover Besides, closet space is very important to Lady M. She needs one for her mini-me sweaters, one for her shoes, one for her bangles, one for her Cheetos and Stoli, and one for Big Guy. (full disclosure: there’s even a tiny one buried way in the back for me, Raj, Bo and   Little Mo to hide out in.)

But the story gets worse, as reported by Admin Girl (who also includes some practical recycling tips):

The story  goes on to talk about how Michelle referred to Laura as “Mrs. Bozo” and said it looked as though she’d decorated the White House from a “very bad garage sale,” recalls another source.  She also said that once they replaced the Bushes in the White House, she was going to “give all the furnishing to the homeless–if the homeless would take that junk!”


Laura, in comfortable chair, and Lady M, sitting on the “junk”

I can report that Laura used a decorator who specialized in historic preservation, but the ever fashion forward Lady M used one of the hottest decorators in LA in an effort to spiff up the Big White. You may think Lady M’s remarks about Laura sound mean spirited, but the proper way to frame it is to understand that Lady M just really doesn’t want anything around to remind her of all those years before she was proud to be an American.

And what is style after all? It always boils down to a matter of taste.

 laura laura and beazley  laura-bush-240   

Who would you pick to decorate your home?

 fistbumpingdwarfsALeqM5iYMnFJzr3Dmu5mBeLcqC_KtSpGng fist bump  

You won’t be able to put your hands on a copy of this edition of the National Examiner if you don’t already have one. Homeland Security was able to pull all the copies off newsstands across America by late last night.

So don’t anyone tell me that Homeland Security can’t protect the American people from harmful threats. The only thing they don’t seem to be able to do is secure the damn border or plug the damn hole.

H/T Larwyn and her Linx

Thursday, July 8, 2010

We’ve Got Our MOJO Working Now

Day 80 of the Deepwater Horizon gusher. No celebration, but thanks to the fact that we haven’t rested since the very day it began, we’ve got a plan now:

First lady Michelle Obama is planning to visit the Gulf of Mexico for the first time in the coming weeks to observe the oil spill recovery effort, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said Wednesday.

Vice President Joe Biden is also planning to visit the region.

If that doesn’t plug the damn hole, nothing will.

mojo The Deepwater Horizon  MOJO team to the rescue

Where ever she goes Lady M manages to find just the right words to make people feel better. Like yesterday at Treasury, she had these words of comfort for the widow of Vernon Hunter:

And I want to join the Secretary in recognizing Valerie [Hunter, whose husband, Vernon, was killed in an attack on an IRS office earlier this year]. It is an honor to have you here. As the Secretary said, you've put in your share of years at the IRS in Austin, Texas, and working in the same building where her husband was killed. We are so incredibly sorry for your loss, but you should know that we are praying with you. And it is just wonderful to see such a strong support system here for you. So we are grateful that you're here. And I was honored to be able to take a picture with you and show it to -- if you can believe, she's got six kids, seven grandkids. She doesn't look like she would have all that. But thank you so much for being here today.

you must be kidding me Decked out in full field gear

I know you’re going to have a hard time believing this, but Lady M never even has to prepare or practice her remarks before she goes to visit the agencies! I’d say she’s a natural because she makes it look so effortless, but I think it’s really due to all those years of education at Princeton and Harvard. As well as the community organizing she did while on the campaign trail for Big Guy.

Here’s our basic speech format. I think it will work pretty well for the oil leak area too:

  • Photo ops. Greetings all around. Miss America smile and wave.
  • Special recognition of anyone really old who’s been working a really long time.(try to sound amazed and awed)
  • Special recognition of anyone who’s recently experienced a work related tragedy.(try to look and sound empathetic)
  • Recognition of how important everyone’s job is.(try to sound sincere)
  • Thank-yous for doing the job you’re being paid to do.(try not to yawn)
  • Wrap it, more Photo ops, hugs, hugs, hugs. Exit.
  • Lunch. (closed press)-


hi there There she is, Ms. America

“Thank you, thank you. I’ve got to get out of this military Spanx now, and move on to lunch. ‘buh-bye!”

The only part that might not work on the Gulf in July is the military spandex. Expect more maternity wear.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

We Visit the Treasury with Our Own Bag

Well, it may not be your taste, but at least it’s familiar. And let’s face it, that’s the best we can hope for.

So here’s what we wore to Treasury today; to thank the little people who make all that money available to us for spreading around so we can finish our transformation of America:

 boob belt and pearls

Tiny sweater, boob belt, too-short, wavy hemmed vintage 80’s tablecloth skirt, knobby knees, shiny legs, pink kitten heels – oh, and a double strand of pearls – to keep it classy.


treasury rodent

Let’s see, what’s the only missing  accessory from this otherwise perfect ensemble for visiting the Treasury?


Oh yes, our very own little rodent  bag-man:

timmy does he scare you too

It’s too hot, I feel a case of the vapors coming on. Need quinine. Perhaps I’ll take a bit of gin and lime with it - just to disguise the bitterness, you know. I’ll see if Lady M would like one too. The bitterness doesn’t usually bother her, but I believe she likes her gin neat. With any luck we’ll all be in the bag before sunset.

Dreidel-Dee and Driedel-Dum



OK. Yesterday never happened. Sometimes your only option is to reboot, and sometimes you lose what you’re working on when that happens. Thankfully that’s the case for me. And from my perspective that “tea” in the Yellow Oval Room yesterday never happened. And since Lady M never publically referred to Lady S as “Sara-Juda” I’m going to declare victory and leave.

Today I think will be more manageable. Nothing on board other than one of our usual Federal Agency Appreciation Tours. We’ll be there to bolster their spirits and thank them for doing such a wonderful job of - uh, uh - where is it we’re going today again? Oh yes, Treasury - what a wonderful job they’re doing printing and collecting money. More for us to spread around. Hugs! Big smiles. More hugs, and then on to lunch (closed press). I’m hoping that will satisfy your curiosity about Lady M's comings and goings because I’m not sure I’m up to photos today. Maybe later.

Do you know what the world really needs – besides world peace? A  tincture that could be applied to your hard-drive that would sooth, coat and calm all of those upsets of your internal drivers – kind of like the Maalox of circuit boards.  Any bio-techno-chemists out there? I’m thinking something along the lines of a W-D 40 for the electronic gizmo world. You’d be a gazillionaire. At least until the people from Treasury find out about you.

wd-40 bismo copy 


Susan SherSusan Sher, Mo’s Chief-of-Staff 

But I digress. I’m a professional, I can press on. The Bibi and BoBo summit went very well. The summit, by the way, was called because Susan Sher, Lady M’s chief of staff AND the White House liaison to the Jewish community, told Big Guy he had to get in there and make nice with Israel since Americans of the Jewish persuasion were starting to get really ticked off. And November is looming large. Not that Jewish-Americans can carry the elections for the Dems (that’s a job for illegal aliens - you know, doing jobs that other Americans are unwilling to do) but now that Wall Street contributors have bailed on Democratic candidates, we really need their money. In order to buy the votes we do need.

So both men acted as if they liked each other and nothing what-so-ever could possibly be wrong. Kind of like a John and Elizabeth Edwards press conference.  Big Guy is like 1000% behind our BFF Israel, and we can wait till later to discuss how Israel might respond to Iran’s nukes, or the sucker play pulled by the flotilla of “peace” delivering humanitarian aid to Gaza, or the Israelis ongoing building of settlements in their own territory. Everything’s fine, nothing to see or discuss here, move along.

joey Bibi bobo Joey, Bibi and BoBo

Then we had lunch. What’s your guess: Halal or kosher?

OMG! Something’s going haywire again. Where did this come from!!!!!

sara mo

I’m losing power. Call Raj

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Call 911! Call 911!

OMG! I am so sorry. I couldn’t stop her. It has come to this: we’re wearing our spanx on the outside. I’m mortified, and need to deactivate all of my circuit boards. I hope to be back in the morning for a full debriefing.  If I’m not, please call 911. Tell them it’s an overdose. And notify Raj.MICHELLE-OBAMA-SARA-NETANYAHU

Obama picks Yahoo. Google snubbed this time.

I cannot believe he’s coming back after the way we treated him last time – not even a brown bag lunch -  but the Prime Minister of Israel is coming to make nice with Big Guy today. And guess what? Lady M invited his wife Sara to come for a special visit to the Big White too!

Finally, a political wife who might actually make MO look good by comparison. I’m not talking physically -  that could be a draw - I’m talking on the “angry” wife/woman front.


It seems that Sara may be the one who put the ‘yahu’ in Netanyahu. Apparently she’s a bit of a whack job. There have been allegations that she is ill-tempered and verbally abusive, has thrown shoes at the hired help and once (allegedly) fired a nanny for burning a pot of soup. But if that’s the standard we’re going to use, well, let’s just say Lady Yahu doesn’t have a corner on the  “whack job” market just yet.

looks like Joran's mother Some people say that Lady S bears an uncanny resemblance to Yurin(e) Van der Sloot’s mother

Here are some of the actual complaints against the lovely Lady Sara:

She reportedly demanded that (the housekeeper) take several showers a day and bring four changes of clothing with her "to maintain maximum sterility and not pollute the house."

The paper also claimed Sara Netanyahu forced (the housekeeper) to work on the Jewish Sabbath and once called her at 2 a.m. in the morning to complain about ill-fitting pillow cases.

The latest scandal echoes similar accusations made against Sara Netanyahu in the 1990s when her husband was prime minister for the first time.

Mrs. Sara Netanyahu (as she likes to be called) has a lot in common with Lady M beyond the yelling-at-the-staff thing: they’re both World-Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Moms,™ and both are accomplished professional women. Lady S is a psychologist (figures) and former flight attendant. So she’s got that going for her. And she also shares Lady M’s interest in observing physical exercise performed by others:

Vice President Joe Biden Visits Israel -2_JmqcKJpDl

Lady S with Dr. Jill Biden (she isn’t a real doctor, but she does have an advanced degree in Education!) at Jerusalem YMCA last March

jill sarah 

I figure living with Lady S should be good training for Bibi, on several fronts: getting used to sneak attacks from Hamas in Gaza, Hezbolla in Lebanon and, soon, nuclear Iran. It also might help in dealing with our historic leader when he throws one of his snits.


I can’t wait for our high tea this afternoon with the Ladies S & M. This could be fun: I think MO may have finally met her match.

Monday, July 5, 2010

The Apron’s Red Glare-Updated for Mileage

Big Guy and Lady M threw a 4th of July party for some of our military families on the South lawn of the Big White yesterday. We served up the usual fat-behinds food: wieners, burgers, BBQ chicken and potato salad. Even Lady M knows better than to feed veggie burgers to the military; they’re all armed.

balcony Try not to compare guns, only one’s “packing”

Update for Extra Punage Mileage HT: Gerard Van Der Leun

In remarks to the crowd, delivered from the second floor balcony overlooking the crowd, Big Guy called the Declaration of Independence more than words on an aging parchment, which is encouraging.

"We celebrate the principles that are timeless, tenets first declared by men of property and wealth but which gave rise to what Lincoln called a new birth of freedom in America — civil rights and voting rights, workers' rights and women's rights, and the rights of every American," he said. "And on this day that is uniquely American we are reminded that our Declaration, our example, made us a beacon to the world."

So I guess he’s forgiven the founders for being ‘men of property and wealth,’ which is good because I know that’s been bugging him about the whole founding-of-America thing for a long time.

And before I hear anything about the apron-top that makes MO look like a pregnant carnival barker, let me just say on her behalf, it was red, white and blue. And I think she needed the pockets for making change for the concessions. Regarding the hair knot: it was waaay too hot for our wig-hair.

ALeqM5iYMnFJzr3Dmu5mBeLcqC_KtSpGng Dots and knots

And we wore our favorite lizard feet with ostrich toes, painted appropriately for the holiday:


ALeqM5g14NjI_xaY4xmPDTgl7OVmfMgX0Aback of the apron

Our all-American, all purpose 2-pocket apron top: makes it easy to take things out of one pocket and put them into the other.

But yesterday wasn’t about Lady M. Or even the Wee Won-1 who was celebrating her 12th birthday. So back to Big Guy and his Independence Day message to our troops: he spoke of the ideals of America's Founding Fathers, and (tried) to quote Thomas Jefferson's work in the Declaration of Independence:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with inherent and inalienable rights; that among these, are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

Whoa! Did Big Guy really say that? Yikes! That’s embarrassing. Most of us learned it as “endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights…” Apparently that “no rest until we plug the damn hole” policy is starting to take its toll. Plus, he’s got the 30 million inalienable undocumented workers on his mind 24/7 too.

Although that doesn’t explain this at the SOTU speech last January: 

"We find unity in our incredible diversity, drawing on the promise enshrined in our Constitution: the notion that we are all created equal..."

Hmmm, did the constitutional law professor really mean the promise of the Declaration of Independence? It is easy to get those big wordy documents mixed up, which is one of the reasons we need to re-write the constitution using some more modern concepts that are easier to understand.

wheres the fire Giddy-up America!

What would have happened if GWB mis-remembered the words of the Declaration of Independence and/or Constitution? Or if Trent Lott had said something nice about former KKK member Robert Byrd (D) instead of Strom Thurmond (R)? And therein, my friends, is the real difference between Democrats and Republicans: Republican’s are morons and racists and Democrat’s are just overworked good old boys trying to get elected.

You are now free to get back to your wienie roasts.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Who Will Watch the Watchers?





Have you noticed how we’ve successfully banned photographers from many of our fun outings lately? No pics at Mario’s pizza parlor in L.A.,  only cell phone snaps from the Lakers game (note to SS: no cell phones allowed in the private suites next time, OK? They make us look a little jaundiced).

lakers celtics

No pictures from the private tour of Disneyland California Adventure, no pictures from the billionaire’s estate on the ocean, no official pictures from the Mary Poppins outing (again, SS: hello! we need a cell phone free zone!), no pictures of us departing Friday night for Camp David. I, of course, have some excellent images captured on my hard drive, but as you know I take my sworn oath of allegiance and non-disclosure kind of seriously.

OK, we did get some official snaps of the return trip last night, and maybe it partially explains the dearth of photos lately, but there’s really a lot more to it than meets the eye.



return with bullits

The official White House response will be that this partial press ban is just to shield the Wee Wons from the glare of the paparazzi. Don’t buy it. It’s actually an exercise to demonstrate that, if we chose, we can, and will, shut down the Press Corpse. Like when we ditched them to go to Malia’s soccer game. And again, in Canada at the G8/20, to go golfing. You know that special salute Big Guy likes to give  to people he considers to be idiots ?


Well, it’s sort of like that - only it’s the “free press” version. It’s  for those who haven’t noticed, or just don’t quite get it: ‘We ARE the ones you’ve been waiting for.” Although, in the case of the loyal opposition, that’s actually “We are the Wons you’ve been watching for.”

So I’m just warning you. It’s summer and it’s hotter than Hades here in Washington. And we all know what happens when the thermometer shoots above 85:  bitter clingers start showing antipathy towards people who aren’t like them, cops start acting stupidly and everyone else gets all wee-weed up.

So on this 4th of July – this most quintessential of American holidays – when we celebrate the founding of our Republic and the freedom and liberty it has inferred on each and every one of its (legal) citizens,  let us pause and reflect on our Founding Fathers handiwork:

The Declaration of Independence

The Constitution

The Bill of Rights 


These founding documents were designed and declared with full knowledge of human nature and complete understanding of the soul’s tendencies. The result was the formation of a more perfect union which has stood the test of time in no small part due to the wisdom of these founders who crafted a near sacred separation of powers within the government they created.  Let us honor their courage, their genius and their foresight.

And for our part, let us be ever vigilant against those who would impinge on that greatness by opening the very gates that hold tyranny at bay.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?