Saturday, July 17, 2010

Does That (fill-in-the-blank) Make my Butt Look Small?

Thanks to all my MOL’s MOD’s and FOM’s: you’ve all done a yeoman’s job snarking keeping America informed about the comings and going’s of the O’s and little o’s (great work with the pics, GrannyJ). And thanks for all the good wishes you sent for little Celia. She looked absolutely radiant at the rehearsal. I know they say that all brides are beautiful, but Celia’s beauty is literally magnified.

Here’s all I’ve got for you from Raj’s remote setup: it’s both an exposition and a competition. First, the exposition: please enjoy last year’s retrospective panoramic view, then enjoy this year’s contender for butt minimizing.  Which one do you think provides the better narrative?

And now for the competition: caption contest!   You can caption either or both. My entries are below and I apologize for the repetition. You’ve no idea how sorry I am.

Last year’s butt diminishing shot:

grand canyon butt shot_thumb[2]Does the Grand Canyon make my butt look small?

This year’s butt diminishing shot:

Butt does it make my butt look smallSuggested caption: Does that island make my butt look small? The big one I mean.

My hard drive’s a bit woozy, so I better shut down to conserve energy for the big event. I’m in charge of flowers tomorrow, but it won’t really be much work. In fact, I don’t even have to reflect them – they’re real! And pretty all on their own!  I really should do more weddings.

Thanks again, snark squad. Wish you were all here.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Wedding Belles

I’m sure you all remember my little niece, Celia? From last year’s Star Gazing Astronomy Night at the Big White?

celiaMy little niece, Celia

Well, now days little lenses grow up really fast it seems. Not only is Celia all grown up already, but she’s getting married this weekend!

celia's wedding copyIsn’t she the most beautiful bride! 

I’m not exactly clear on all the details, all I know for sure is it’s somewhere in Michigan – you know, fly-over. I think she is marrying into one of the old-line mirror families out there. There used to be dozens of them, providing rearview mirrors to the auto companies, but apparently with the downturn in the auto industry there is only one left, and that’s not the one she’s marrying into. So she’s hoping to get a job at the University of Michigan’s planetarium.

But anyway, because of all the weekend-long activities, I won’t be able to spend as much time as I would like on my blog. I’ll try to keep you posted on any key activities taking place with the O’s on their Fantasy Dessert Desert Island vacation, relying on remote transmissions arranged by Raj. Don’t expect much activity though, the O’s have no public appearances scheduled.  But I most likely will not be able to keep up with all of your wonderful comments, so please, “talk amongst yourselves” as they say on real blogs.


And it really was just a coincidence that Big Guy was in Michigan yesterday. No truth to the rumor that Big Guy is a robot in need of longer lasting batteries. Well, he doesn’t need longer lasting batteries anyway. You’d know that if you’ve ever heard him read a speech.


MOTUS v. Dr. Laura Ingraham: The Battle is On

Ok, I was only half serious before about Dr. Laura Ingra-ham cheesing in on my federal jurisdiction to make up stories about the O’s under the Supremacy Clause of the Constitution, but this… well, this was just the last straw:

 FireShot capture #005 - 'Laura's Official Home On The Web' - www_lauraingraham_comLady M, hawking Dr. Laura Ingraham’s book

She has apparently paid both Big Guy and Lady M off to hawk her dumb book! I can’t blame them, they’re just underpaid public servants sacrificing for their country and trying to scrape enough money together to fill the Wee Wons’ college fund. But that Dr. Laura! Why, she’s shameless.

And she’s not even satisfied with the book – now she’s blogging daily about the O’s! (or at least until she’s done with the book tour)

FireShot capture #006 - 'Laura's Official Home On The Web' - lauraingraham_com_site

I’m still waiting to hear back from Ricky about the status of my Supremacy Clause violation case.

I’m a little concerned because of the directive Ricky issued at the DOJ instructing attorneys in the civil rights division to ignore cases that involve black defendants and white victims.

I’m beginning to think there might be some confusion concerning my racial DNA: since I’m a mirror, I reflect whatever ethnicity is standing in front of me. If they still have my Bush administration reflection on file, they probably have me classified as “Caucasian” which of course is not technically correct anymore.

Anyway, I think - given Justice’s directive and this whole racial confusion business - I better seek additional legal assistance from the private sector. I’m assuming Professor William A. Jacobson is on vacation, since I haven’t heard back from him yet. I think I’ll get a hold of Fox News because they seem to have a lot of lawyers over there and most of them are hot. Of course my first choice would be Megyn Kelley. I’m sure we all enjoyed her smack-down of Kirsten Powers the other day:


That’s more or less the sort of representation I’m  interested in. But I would also be pleased to be represented by Greta Van Susteren or even Lis Wiehl, although I’d like her to take a few b**ch-slapping lessons from Megyn before I sign her up. I had Judge Andrew Napolitano in my tweet-queue, but now that he’s calling for the indictment of GWB and the real Dick Cheney, I think I’m going to have to wave him off until he comes to his senses.

So, there you have it. I still believe that I have federal jurisdiction and have a sound case under the Supremacy Clause for getting Dr. Laura Ingra-ham’s book pulled from the shelves and all royalties recalled. (That Motion of Preliminary Injunction sure would come in handy.)

Unfortunately Toes has not authorized my emergency request for the complete legal course work and Bar Exam Review, so I’m relying on until such time as I hear back from one of my legal beagles.

If any of you out there are Constitution lawyers, give me a tweet.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Get Your Chakra On: For Free, Dog!

Yesterday Lady M announced another exciting new program from her house to your house: Free Lunch! Yes, for anyone getting new health insurance coverage starting this fall, Big Insurance will now have to provide dozens of expensive tests/services – FOR FREE!

mfa. reallyMFA: Not what you think

Lady M went to George Washington University to announce these popular new gimmes rules requiring health insurance companies to provide free coverage for dozens of screenings, tests and other types of preventive care.

The rules will eliminate co-payments, deductibles and other charges for blood pressure, diabetes and cholesterol tests; many cancer screenings; routine vaccinations; prenatal care; and regular wellness visits for infants and children.

Other services that must be offered at no charge include counseling to help people stop smoking; screening and counseling for obesity; and tests for infection with the virus that causes AIDS.


jill and mo

Lady M was there because this has something to do with America’s kids’ fat behinds and because she likes to announce positive developments coming out of the Big White.  Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius was there because she’s in charge of America’s Health. And Human Services. And Dr. Jill Biden was there because, well, because she’s a doctor. In Education. And that could be helpful for people who don’t know how you can give away stuff for FREE!

Although we might be better off just hiring a good PR firm. Because when those “private insurance” companies that are providing you with the “coverage you like” go belly-up and turn into Big Government Subsidized Insurance Provider that emits the whiff of “socialized medicine” no matter how much disinfectant you spray on it, we’re going to have some ‘splaining to do around here.

   x610Note that we got the tar baby stains out of our white top, but the bleach seems to have caused a bit of yellowing on the fabric.

Just for the record, I don’t have the benefit of an Ivy League education like the O’s both have. But I do have an economics pack containing the complete works of Milton Friedman, and he definitely said “There is no such thing as a free lunch.” I think what he meant by that was, well, NO. FREE. LUNCH.


Butt, there are many advantages to free lunches, such as:

Treatments for the prevention of alcohol abuse, depression and obesity.

And Planned Parenthood is very hopeful too:

“Avoiding unintended pregnancy is one of the most important medical issues for women,"

So they hope all forms of birth control will qualify as a preventative service for free.

So I’m checking with Algore, because I believe that therapeutic chakra massages could qualify as a preventative birth control method, free of charge. I thought he might know.

 fat-al-gore-pray “Poodle Prophet”

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Time For Wapner

Don’t get me wrong:  I love Dr. Laura Ingra-ham and really admire all the excellent advice she provides to women attracted to deadbeat losers. But now I hear she has this new book out called The Obama Diaries, obama diaries that purports to contain behind the scenes true stories from here at the Big White: from the Big Oval to Lady M’s dressing room and everywhere in between.

I might as well give it to you straight: she made the whole thing up. And isn’t that MY job?

I’ve tweeted Ricky H for a consultation on whether this publication can be declared invalid under the Supremacy Clause of the US Constitution. And even if it is not in violation of the Supremacy Clause, it almost certainly falls under conflict pre-emption. It is my understanding that as a Federally mandated employee, I have exclusive jurisdiction over these matters.

And it’s not that I don’t trust Ricky’s complete command of constitutional law, but just to be on the safe side, I’m going to check in with William A. Jacobson, my primary constitutional law expert at Le-gal In-sur-rec-tion, and have him file a Motion of Preliminary Injunction against Dr. Laura too.

wapnerTime to call in the big dogs 


YOU HAVE TO BE THIS TALL TO GO ON THIS RIDE has links to Dr. Laura’s appearance on Fox/Imus this morning. She looks real pretty and all, but remember, she made it all up.

Midnight in the Organic Garden of Evil


7 Eat your damn vegetables!

With our first Web-cam under our belt (so to speak) we’re feeling much better about saving the nation’s kids from their fat behinds. Our new and improved website, is state-of-the-art interactive! Complete with helpful hints on how to make healthier choices at the ice cream parlor. Hint: chocolate hurricane, good; death by chocolate, bad. (Of course, if you live in Arizona you know that going to the ice cream parlor is off limits all together.)

I think the completely spontaneous Q and A session went extraordinarily well. Carefully crafted questions submitted by ordinary people across the country who have no clue about diet and exercise were handled with professional, caring responses by Lady M. The whole live Web chat went so well in fact that we’re thinking of launching our own magazine:  Lady O. I know, I know: I liked Lady M better to, but apparently we’re trying to cheese in on the popularity of Oprah’s hugely popular dumb magazine. Our magazine will focus on giving other busy moms helpful advice on diet, nutrition, exercise and fashion, natch.

8And get up off your fat a** and move! 

Here are the essentials of our revolutionary plan to end childhood obesity “within a generation:”

(Lady M) discussed the main pillars of her campaign: educating parents, improving food in schools, expanding access to healthful food and promoting physical education.

Obama said to transform a generation, “children born today” must learn from adults what makes a healthful  lifestyle. She said government can help and that she hopes to see changes within five years, including more information on food labels and packaging, greater school involvement in community gardens and new nutrition standards for schools

And of course, you should always have healthy snacks like apples around to avoid indulging in other “forbidden fruit:”

Our signature “forbidden fruit” prop – in the background

As you recall, MO has always had a special affinity for the miracle power of apples:

mo tweedMichelle_Obama__cover_Newsweek_obesity_children___promote_health_wellness_American_communities_thumb[2]

  Michelle_Obama__cover_Newsweek_obesity_children___promote_health_wellness_American_communities_thumb[2]Fighting obesity, with a little help from your nutrition czar 

Lady M said the issue of weight is not about vanity, it’s about health, and she tries not to talk about weight in the Big White – either the girls or her own. In fact, she and Big Guy have a pact: he doesn’t talk about Lady M’s weight or drinking and she doesn’t talk about his eating disorder and smoking. It’s a win-win.

And besides, we finally have confirmation that Lady M is in fact not fat. It’s been verified by a real doctor: Dr. James Lyons ( a cosmetic surgeon no less!). Here’s what the good doc – who coincidentally has a new diet book out - told the Chicago Trib:

The key to looking young is having the right kind of fat, plastic surgeon James Lyons writes in "The Brown Fat Revolution." Yellow fat is mush and blobby and makes us look old. Brown fat is healthy, firm and resilient and gives our bodies a youthful appearance.

Michelle Obama for example, has "great fat," Lyons said. He finds her curvy body to be "amazing" because “she has the right amount of good brown fat in her face and body."

"She's not skinny and she's not fat--she's firm and toned with exceptionally well defined upper arms. She exudes health and vitality," he wrote.

Then he went on to compare Lady M to – can you believe this – Madonna! Yes, and he called Madge “skinny” and “haggard.” So OK, her arms look more like frogs legs, but look at those perky hooters!

madonna toned_thumb[2] Madge exercising her Second Amendment Right: NOT photoshopped! Honest.

Butt really - there was never any contest between who has the best fat between Mo and Madge.  Now, if you throw Oprah into the mix, we’ve got ourselves an altogether new ball game.


Clearly brown fat is better than skinny white-trash fat, any day.

H/T Lady LaFi

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

When Snarks Attack 8: The Winner

The polls are closed, the results are in and the 8th Golden FLOTUS is in the hands of another MOL. The winner of the June 2010 Snark Attack Of The Month is:

arabella trefiol

Congratulations arabella trefoil!!! Your “manorexic” snark won you the fame and ovation of gazillions MOLs, MODs and FOMs all over the planet, and earned a permanent place in my Snark Hall of Fame.

Arabella trefoil’s out of the park snark: “... Maybe he's a manorexic...“ brought the Golden FLOTUS around all the bases to her home plate. Don’t you just love sports analogies?

Apparently, your winning snark, also inspired a hit “song” by the punk-alternate band “Scarling” (who obviously can see into the future):


He's utterly sarcastic- aesthetically confused
He tells me I'm bombastic I want to be his muse
An ordinary person who peeked into his void
Would only wake up bitter and deeply paranoid

He's unenthusiastic. Emotionally abused
He's thinks that it's fantastic- I'd walk ten miles in his shoes
As I watch him disappearing. I know that it's not right
I love him completely - At least for tonight

Do do do....
There's a lack of understanding a mutual malaise
He thinks I'm reprimanding with my uncertain gaze
Though -I can't conceal my feelings ...Like he can't purge his Pain

Cause once he sees a mirror.... logic goes down the drain
He's unenthusiastic. Emotionally abused
He's thinks that it's fantastic I'd walk ten miles in his shoes
As I watch him disappearing. I know that it's not right
I love him completely - At least for tonight

There's a roughness to our romance- A sadness to his step
And though he won't admit it... I know he's often wept
Perhaps it's just frustration, at stars he'll never reach
Reflecting his self image.... Bleeding poetry in the sheets

He's unenthusiastic. Emotionally abused
If I wrap him up in plastic, I'll save the part he'll never use
I watch him disappearing. I try to hold on tight
Can't love him completely - At least not tonight

So, arabella trefoil, the cherished Golden FLOTUS is yours forever, to use and display as you wish, and will always and forever be here in my coveted Snark Hall of Fame.

arabella trefoil GF-final

It was a big turnout at the polls with over 5 million votes cast. Toes certified the final count after it was certified by our new New Black Panther Party accountants. The results (rounded to the nearest thousand) were are as follows:

  1. arabella trefoil – 1,820,000
  2. Anonymouse – 1,120,000
  3. MichelleIndependent – 630,000
  4. PortiaElizabeth – 420,000
  5. MJ – 330,000
  6. nellyq / Suzette – 230,000
  7. DeniceVB – 210,000
  8. Lynn / Madame DeFarge – 180,000
  9. FLDemFem – 140,000
  10. bettyann – 110,000
  11. Jules – 90,000

In a side note, I regret to report that the sample Golden FLOTUS coffee mugs were not up to my MIL Spec standards. Raj is working on the complex Golden FLOTUS image and we will try again.

Once again, I offer my congratulations to arabella trefoil and all my worthy finalists. Oh, I almost forgot. arabella, Big Guy sends his congratulations too.


The Waters Parted, the Cap was Seated, and Behold - the Damn Hole was Plugged. Alleluia!

Big Guy may be able to walk on water, but Lady M has the power to plug the damn hole! Which do you think is more special?

Yes, it’s true. Lady M went to the Gulf and stopped the damn leak. And what a relief – it was getting embarrassing having all those tar babies scattered along the beach. Oh sure, they’re still verifying pressure and all, and they’ll still have to capture the oil on  surface ships, but for all intents and political purposes, it’s been plugged.


Lady M told the huge crowd that “This is the worst environmental disaster that our nation has seen”  - aside from Republicans.

“We’re doing our best, the administration, to make things right, to get that thing capped, to clean it up, and to look at the long-term ramifications and view this as an opportunity to really build and preserve and make the Gulf the prize of this country that it has been and should continue to be,” 

Heh, “the prize of this country.”  We all know there’s only one “prize of this country,” and you’re lookin’ at half of it.

Meanwhile, Big Guy read in the paper that he could essentially bypass the court’s decision that his Gulf oil drilling moratorium was illegal by issuing a NEW moratorium – so he did! His presidential powers are even greater than he initially thought. So if there was any doubt before, I think these latest events confirm that BO and MO are the greatest. Power Couple. Ever.

No word yet on how many jobs the latest moratorium created or saved.

Other highlights of our Empathy Gulf Tour:

barefoot on the beach The obligatory barefoot walk along the beach, after all the tar-babies were removed.

full-out empathy with touching The obligatory laying on of hand(s). One hand was previously disposed.

bill dozier looks to have heat stroke orThe obligatory “dessert is not a right” ice cream cup. County Supervisor Bill Dozier looks to be entranced by Lady M’s visit. Either that, or heat stroke. 

chocolate, of course

empathy at last sometimes we don't even look like ourselves

On the left, the obligatory empathy. On the right, the – well, I guess I don’t know what that is. I’m not even sure that it’s MO.

And just a follow-up note from the NAACP Conference: today they’re expected to pass a resolution of sorts condemning the Tea Party as a racist organization due to all the jack-booted members wearing paramilitary uniforms, carrying billy clubs, and threatening to kill babies.


No word on when they will pursue the same measure against the New Black Panther Party.


The New Black Panthers: The New Religion of Peace

Monday, July 12, 2010

Lady M Wanders the Food Desert

We’ve landed here in Northern Florida, and it’s hot! But not as hot as Lady M’s blistering speech this morning.

Our speech (we were the keynote speaker, naturally)  before the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (although there seemed to be mostly only one color there) went extraordinarily well. We used this impressive gathering to speak again about our kids’ fat behinds, and how we have to stop feeding them junk, or they’re all going to die. The crowd was mesmerized.

 FireShot-  That’s right, no more french fries!

She charmed the crowd with everything from her idiosyncratic grammar: "we ate what we were served. My mother never cared whether me or my brother liked what was on our plates.” to her total command of the statistics regarding food deserts in America.

naacp Look! TOTUS came! That’s how you know it was a really important speech.

One of the key points of our keynote was Lady M’s reminder that she’s supporting a “Healthy Food Financing Initiative"  which costs $400 million a year – and that’s just to attract food retailers to the deserts! They’ll have to come up with the start up funds on their own. The $400 million, as I understand it, will be split evenly between Jesse Jackson’s Operation Push shakedown arm and independent contractors. JJ’s $200 million will be used to persuade Piggly Wigglys to come back to “urban centers” just because it’s the right thing to do. The other $200 million will be divided up into multiple contracts for peoples of color who have the right political connections. They’ll be using the funds to put together brochures telling the Piggly Wigglys  management team why it’s in their best interest to open up a store in (fill in the blank with the urban center of your choice). And of course their will be administrative costs, plus shipping and handling. But we figure the whole initiative will create or save about 1500 jobs, so this one’s a twofer.

Oh, and I almost forgot – there’s about $10,000 to address rural food deserts too.

  NAACP_Michelle_Obam_633073l For the occasion we chose our favorite summer domino optical illusion dress. Short, sassy, sheer chiffony sleeves. Perfect with a mile wide belt.

Delegate comments about Lady M’s speech were predictably supportive:

Helen Pierce, an NAACP delegate from Fayetteville, N.C., said “Obama's speech is a wake-up call to young people and their parents.”

Nathalie Bryant of Indianapolis, called the speech relevant to current circumstances related to overweight youths. "What she said about food deserts, that's a really important issue that needs to be addressed," Bryant said.

Wow! That Lady M, she really took it to them, didn’t she? Straight talk express. Who would have thought that kids’ fat behinds could stir the soul so?

Too bad Bill Cosby didn’t have a little more soul when he gave his keynote address to the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People in 2004. His speech just pissed everyone off.


We changed clothes and jewelry before departing for our Gulf Coast Empathy Tour, but we kept the hair. I’ll report on that in the morning. I hear we’re having oysters and gulf shrimp tonight: I sure hope Lady M doesn’t over-indulge. We’ve got our first ‘Fat Kids’ Behinds’ Webcast in the morning.

PS: here’s the designer who created our Morse Code dress, Dottie Duglas.


Going to Kansas City, Kansas City Here I Come

We’re off for on very busy week tour. This morning we’ll be at the NAACP convention in Kansas City for our very important speech regarding our kids’ fat behinds. Lady M’s speech is riveting. I believe the working title is “ Ending America’s racial inequality one celery stalk at a time.” I’ll transmit pictures and excerpts as soon as possible.

We’ll probably be speaking with Jesse Jackson in private while we’re there to discuss how our first historic post-racial presidency is going. For his part, the Rev is doing his best to heal racial wounds while still keeping his race industry alive – a delicate balance. Here are his brave comments just this weekend about the racist owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers:

He speaks as an owner of LeBron and not the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers," the reverend said in a release from his Chicago-based civil rights group, the Rainbow PUSH Coalition. "His feelings of betrayal personify a slave master mentality. He sees LeBron as a runaway slave.

Anyway, as soon as we set the NAACP conventioneers straight on nutrition we’ll be off to Panama City, FL to make the people there feel better about their beaches being littered with tar balls. Here MO will tell the people how hard she and Big Guy are working to plug the damn hole, and how much progress they’ve made so far. I hope she remembers that special empathetic look of hers.

whoa michelle_obama_scary

mo empathy

Got to run, we’ve got to brush up on reflecting that empathy thing. Will be back later with pictures from MO (no relation).

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Lean, Green, Mean and Moldy

Lady M has been busy getting in shape for her BP empathy Gulf tour tomorrow. Her detox program always leaves her a little cranky to begin with, but when she discovered she couldn’t fit into her favorite spandex containment suit, that was the last straw. Up till then, she didn’t really believe me that even Spanx has its limitations. So now we’ve hired a new motivation coach and started hitting the gym in earnest. Just between you and me, it’s a lot more pleasant around here when she’s hitting the gin instead of the gym, but we do have to keep our fashion-icon body in shape. Nobody ever promised that transforming America was going to be easy.

fat spandexLady M’s new motivation coach, former trapeze artist Carmen Wallenda, demonstrates 3 universal principals of fitness: 1) it’s never too late to get started, 2) spandex is not for everyone and 3) one size does not fit all. (photo via

While Lady M was working out, emitting tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere in an attempt to reduce her footprint, Big Guy was busy hyping two of his own lost causes: the summer of recovery and Harry Reid’s re-election.

First up on the economic recovery front: an electric truck plant in MO (no relation). Have you noticed how all the factories that Big Guy visits lately are Algore-friendly? Biofuels, windmill turbines, solar panels or batteries? I guess most of the non-green factories are closed for the summer. But I wonder if BO’s seen Spain’s report card on converting their country to a green economy? It contains more F’s than a Rahmbo staff meeting. No kidding, even the Greeks feel superior to Spain, and Greek wine isn’t even drinkable.

But thanks to really generous subsidies and grants from Big Guy’s private trillion dollar stimulus stash, the Smith Electric Vehicle company has put 50 people to work cranking out green delivery vans that only cost 2-3 times more than their conventional counterparts. I think their cost/benefit model factors in the value of feeling virtuous and therefore superior. Which you must admit, is priceless.

electric trucksWow! That’s a lot of extension cords!

And you may not think 50 jobs is a very impressive return on a $32 million Department of Energy grant, but look at it this way: it’s way better than zero! Besides, the extension cord factory employs over 3000.

The 50 employees at SEV’s were thrilled that Big Guy praised them for “building the economy of America’s future.” But – taking another look at Spain’s report card of straight F’s - I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

Fortunately BO got out of there before any awkward questions could be asked. He landed next in NV, where just about everything is awkward these days. Big Guy owes Harry Reid a lot, so he had to go. But honestly, if these lapdog union loyalists can’t carry the day for poor old Harry, but makes anyone think Big Guy can?

harry's trained dogs

Unfortunately for the little weenie, Even Big Guy can’t seem to take his race seriously:




Although he did manage to raise $800k for the little man at a fund raiser on Thursday while doing what he likes best: trash talking the opposition, telling everyone we’re on the right track and appealing for a larger stash of public dollars for even more clean/green energy initiatives ala Spain.

There’s no doubt Big Guy earned his halo this week.

mysterious halo