Saturday, October 30, 2010

Sheep Seeking their Won True god: Reprise the Temple Columns-BREAKING NEWS UPDATED

So here’s a question that should be easy to answer - why can’t these guys from the Big White staff,

set up for briefing room the making of the president: trappings and optics are tantamount

who are setting up the Briefing Room for yesterday’s impromptu message from Big Guy about the Al Qaeda terrorists who still want to blow us up:

yemen See?

just travel with Big Guy on the road so he can always look presidential? Looking presidential, by definition, requires the Presidential Seal be affixed properly to the podium behind which Big Guy delivers his attacks, dictums and messages of Hope and Change.

And if they would go with, we would not have to deal with this continuing problem that we encountered again yesterday at Virginia Congressman Tom Perriello’s rally:

perriello How can you look presidential when you can’t trust anyone to hang your POTUS seal?

And if he had his POTUS seal right there, where it belongs, you wouldn’t even notice how scary Big Guy is starting to look.



now we've gone over the edge frothing we’re so passionate we’re starting to froth at the mouth a little

Seriously, he’s even starting to scare his fan base, who are usually  scared only by mean Republicans and fundamental Christians.

behold thy godbe not afraid children: embrace thy god

We’ve got to get those two guys from the Big White assigned to the road crew before it’s too late. It’s already gone beyond the seal, we need those columns now too. If Dewey from Detroit can get it right, we can too. Yes We Can!

Busy,busy schedule the weekend before Armageddon. I hope Big Guy takes my advice.

Meanwhile, Lady M and the other ladies of the krewe attended a funeral in Chicago yesterday.

102910brazier-50 Lady M, Val, and Susan, all in black, attend a funeral

That’s not really a good omen. And why is MO smiling?

Oct29-2010_2brazier612 There, that’s more like it.


Dateline Big White: White House Mouthpiece, Robert “Bagdad Bob” Gibbs this morning, calmed American’s fears about an imminent terrorist attack. Bagdad Bob confirmed that in spite of a wave of terrorist bombs sent to America from Yemen and Dubai aboard cargo planes, he will not, repeat NOT, cancel his campaign appearances for dead Dems walking. Big Guy will not alter his plans to make rousing campaign appearances in 5 states over the next 3 days that include stops in Philadelphia and Chicago.

Asked about the likely mid-term loss of control of the Congress, Gibbsy said "The president was quite clear on this: We are taking this threat very seriously."  He continued, "The president's travel plans both this evening and tomorrow at this point are not expected to change.”

Asked by this reporter why Big Guy is not cancelling campaign activities to focus on defending Americans from another terrorist attack, Gibbsy said “I’ll let Big Guy respond in his own words:”

Bagdad Bob also reaffirmed that, no matter what the voters say, “We are not giving the keys back to the Republicans.”

No word on whether or not the Chicago stop includes a visit with Rahm “Toes” Emanuel at the Division Street Schvitz.

This is MOTUS reporting from Big White. Back to you Chet.


Friday, October 29, 2010

The Last Train to Snarksville: All Aboard!

You know what? Dr. Jill Biden is starting to get on my nerves. It used to be she would just stand around on the sidelines, smiling, nodding, looking like a proper VFLOTUS. Now she’s acting like she’s auditioning for the lead roll.

She and MO shared a historic joint appearance on Ellen yesterday. Lady M danced onto the set of Ellen’s little coffee klatch to the strains of Kool and the Gang’s “Ladies Night” as she told the audience “I’m trying to move” – her patented concept for fighting obesity. Meanwhile, Dr. Jill does this sexy slink towards the couch in her tight dress, wiggling her hips like a teenager in heat, to the beat of the Black Eyed Peas “I’ve Got a Feeling.” If I hadn’t seen the rehearsal, I’d have sworn they got their music mixed up. Butt I will say this: apparently knowing how to move is an effective aide in fighting excess body fat.

One of MO’s objective’s – aside from saving the elections for the dead Dems walking - was to put to rest the rumor about MO hatin’ on being FLOTUS (started by that little troublemaker, Carla). Speaking of life in the White House, she said: “It’s amazing. It’s a gift and a privilege every day.” Actually, there are days when we get even more than one gift. That part really is amazing. We keep one of those giant PODS containers behind the servants’ quarters to store all of our booty until the inevitable day when we have to

knees better left covered up

But getting back to Dr. Jill, what exactly does she think she’s doing?  Sure, she has a doctorate in Education, butt look, she’s going to be 60 next year. Why does she have to be dancing, talking and staying slim like that? She doesn’t look anything like a typical white grandmother. Maybe it’s time to get in the back seat and give the keys back to the most powerful woman in the world.  Behold the power of MO’s charm, as she speaks of the Wee Wons:

"Fortunately the girls are pretty young. They're not watching the news. They're pretty much watching Disney and all that good stuff. They're fairly shielded but when they have questions we talk about it honestly. ... Fortunately they have friends who don't make it an issue. I think it's been better than I would of expected."

Maybe Dr. Jill, who used to be an English teacher, could find some personal fulfillment by tutoring Lady M in English grammar. Not that I’m saying MO needs tutoring, because she is a Princeton and Harvard Law graduate, in case you didn’t know. But it looks to me like Dr. Jill needs to polish up her self-esteem a little, and maybe thinking she’s helping someone else would help.

On the other hand. if she’s the won who taught JoeyB how many letters there are in “jobs,” maybe not. Butt I’m pretty sure that when that incident occurred she only had a Master’s degree in edducayshun.

And hey, here’s another opportunity: maybe she could tutor our VPOTUS in history too. He seems to keep getting little facts and details mixed up. For example, just the other day Joey told attendees at a Dem fundraiser:

“Every single great idea that has marked the 21st century, the 20th century and the 19th century has required government vision and government incentive,”

Really!?? Government vision and incentive?  

So we can thank the government for Edison’s incandescent light bulb as well as the first-ever commercial electricity company? I though investors and JP Morgan (hateful capitalist pig bank) backed that.

And the Wright brothers air plane? And automobiles? Television? Telephones? Penicillin? Canned beer? How about toasters, crayons and Lifesavers? To say nothing of Teflon, Tupperware and Post-it-Notes? All great ideas. All government vision? Hmm.

And Xerox machines? I believe the U.S. Army Signal Corp turned down an offer to sign up to invest in these babies. That’s pretty good government vision. And government incentivized the building of Micro-soft and Windows? I only remember Justice trying to dis-incentivize them by trying to break them up under the Anti-Trust Act (Ok, I’ll grant you that Windows may be a bad examples of “great” ideas.) But how about Apples and iPods? Steve Jobs is a government tool? Who knew.

I’d add the Internet to the list; but since Algore was a government functionary right up until the time Bush stole the election from him, I’ll have to give that one to Joey. Now that Al’s a freelancer, I will note that he has invented the largest environmental and financial scam of all time in the form of carbon credits. But again, I’ll have to give that one to Joey too: there is definitely a ton of government “incentives” involved there.

Otherwise, I would have to say that the only “government vision and incentive” involved in most of the truly great ideas has been their vision of additional revenue which incentivized lawmakers to find new ways to tax them.

But wait: there’s more!  Joey  was still not done with his mis-mis-understanding of the nature of government and private enterprise:

“In the middle of the Civil War you had a guy named Lincoln paying people $16,000 for every 40 miles of track they laid across the continental United States. … No private enterprise would have done that for another 35 years.”

Whoa, there J-Man! Not only did you mis-remember most of your facts about the the Transcontinental Railway, but you might not want to give government too much credit for what ultimately was a   typical government project of out of control costs and endemic corruption. These are the dudes that put the “robber” in robber baron.

Whew! I guess we’re all just lucky that Big Guy went on the Daily Show


and Lady M went on Ellen in her pink sweater set and floral pencil skirt


to completely change the subject.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Obama & Stewart: Butt Heads on the Daily Show

When Big Guy walked unto the set at the Daily Show, he owned the room. No, literally. It was from the Dem’s Convention, and we had it stored in the basement so all we had to do was bring it up and ship it across town to where Jon has temporarily set up for his fake news show.

I’d have to say, the interview went rather well. Big Guy rocked the vote! I know you couldn’t see him, butt v-Totus  was there, embedded in the glass topped desk to help BO through the tough spots. You can tell if you watch his eyes going up and down, up and down. Normally Jon would have made fun of that, but since he was already calling Big Guy partisan, divisive, derisive and timid, he didn’t want to call him stupid too. 


Dr. Laura IngraHAM would probably call Big Guy a Butt Monkey (BM), butt (BM) as usual, she was just copy-catting me.

BTW, apparently Megyn Kelly is too busy hatin’ on us and Professor William Jacobson has been soooo busy that he even forgot his own anniversary, butt (BM) I’m still waiting for replies to my tweets (Or are those  tweeties? I’m not really up to speed on this stuff). I know they’re going to represent me with great vigor, butt (BM) how long does a mirror have to wait for reflective justice?

Anyway, as is his custom, BO’s lecture included a lot of “whole bunch of’s” and “heck of a’s” to show that he’s just one of us “folks.” Here’s how our Brit friends saw it

The one news point in the interview was a hint that he favoured reform of the Senate's filibuster tactic that frequently obstructs legislation. But he did not tackle it when the Democrats had a big majority in the Senate …

Of course, we had a lot of “changes” to ramrod up your through our Senate back then.

Stewart teased the president about his campaign slogan "Yes, we can", suggesting that these days it was "Yes, we can, with conditions attached".

Obama replied: "When I say that when we promised during the campaign, change you can believe in, it wasn't change you can believe in in 18 months ...What I would say is, 'Yes, we can', but it is not going to happen overnight.

No, just under the cover of night.

And BTW, 18 months in the Senate was long enough to qualify to be President. Butt (BM) just like in the Senate he’s been “present” ever since he was elected.


From Politico:

At one point, he said that while Obama ran for president with audacity, the change he’s enacted has felt rather "timid."

"Jon, I love your show, but this is something where, you know, I have a profound disagreement with you," Obama said. "And I don't want to lump you in with a lot of other pundits, but this notion that health care is timid ..."

It produced a rare rejoinder from Stewart – "I'll tell you what I mean, and I don't mean to lump you in with other presidents"

Good move, Jon. We’ve never had such a historic president before. Ever.

And then, BO disclosed this:

“We’ve done things that some folks don’t even know about”

And we HOPE you never do, because those things would land some of us in the hoosegow. Butt (BM) keeping those secrets secret is getting a lot harder as our lapdogs in the LSM are not as reliable as they once were (except the gang at Ms.NBC – thanks!) and our staff rats seem to be jumping off our sinking ship. And it was their loose lips that sunk us to begin with.

body lan2

At one point Obama began praising the performance of departing economic adviser Larry Summers, saying he has done a "heck of a job," using a phrase former President George W. Bush made famous when he complimented FEMA director Michael Brown in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

Stewart interrupted. "You don't want to use that phrase, dude," he said.

To which Big Guy quickly recovered and said “Pun intended.”Is it just me? I’m still waiting for the pun.

And then, Jon asked Bo: “Are you still the ones we’ve been waiting for?” Now that’s a tricky one. Some are still waiting. And some wish they were still waiting. And some know that they are the ones we’ve been waiting for – butt (BM) not in a good way. Now everybody just seems to be waiting for them all to leave.


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Wu, Wu, Wu! Raise the Roof.


mo mariaThis is our new Jason Wu gathered leaf print chiffon bodice dress, paired with our signature Alaia boob belt.

We knocked them dead in Hollywood! First stop: a bit south in Long Beach at the Women’s Conference. We wore our favorite custom Jason Wu morning conference gown by that adorable little boy doll designer who just gets Lady M. Although I’m thinking he might want to consider taking some new measurements around the, uh, equator zone. I’m not being critical, just trying to prevent him from going out of business too.

Look how awestruck the audience is at MO’s remarks:

ladies enjoying the speechifyingThey’re mesmerized 

Lady M did a special shout out to military spouses at the Women’s Conference (I’m sure there were a lot of them there), explaining that military spouses have special demands placed on them. She explained how they sacrifice almost as much as she, herself, does for her country. She asked her audience to reach out to these struggling spouses (if they know any) and offer a comforting hand of friendship, adding:

"It is what we do for our sisters, it is what we do for our girlfriends, our mothers and our daughters. We show up. We show up at the door with some food. We show up at the door with some chocolate. And if things are really bad we show up with a bottle of wine. We, as women, know how to reach out. We know how to support each other. And the question is: What can we as women do to support our military spouses?"

Well, I guess she just answered that; food, chocolate and wine. What else could they possibly need?

Here’s MO and Maria doing a boobs, guns and butt side-by-side. I reflect, you decide:


applause applauseDoes this Shriver make my butt look big?

I’m giving the guns to Mo, with hooters and butts going to Maria. She probably takes the hair category too, but that’s not really a fair competition.

Then we rolled on to Los Angeles to do what we do best: raise money for the cranky little Senator:

hallo every bod-ie Hallo every bod-ie!

I don’t care who designs these dresses, I’ve told them all a million times: a wallpaper pattern with a wallpaper fit is beyond my powers of refraction. Sheeze, I wish they would cut me (and Lady M) a little slack. It’s not as if I don’t have enough to worry about around here.

This audience was a little more animated than the one in the morning. MO gave a rousing speech to the clearly excited crowd, exhorting them to:

… stay the course for change [?? is that concept not mutually exclusive??], saying she knows it's not coming fast enough for many people. [which? staying the course, or change?]

Ha, ha! That’s a good one! They can’t wait for next Tuesday either.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Rhode Island Runner

Ok, so Rhode Island is all wee weed up over Big Guy skipping dinner to come home to perform his fatherly ‘dooty’. Where was the outrage when that ungrateful, racist whiner Frank Caprio, who is soon to officially be “Loser” Frank Caprio,  told Big Guy to “shove it”?

I think you see the blatant, NPR-ish double standard here.

Let’s start at the beginning. Arnold “Buff” & Johnnie Chace (don’t you get all wee weed up too: Johnnie is a girl) threw a fundraiser for our Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee in their “well-appointed home” in Providence, Rhode Island. The price tag, $7500 per head.

For your money you got to linger in Buff & Johnnie’s “well-appointed home,” meet and press the flesh with the dead Dems walking, make eye contact with our first, second historic black President and have a sumptuous meal prepared with love by Rhode Island’s most famous celebrity chefs. I don’t know how famous their celebrity chefs are outside of Rhode Island, though. Our chefs are pretending they don’t even know them. None of them are on the Cooking Channel, let alone Food TV and Guy Fieri has never rolled out to any of their dives.

dnews diners guy fieri

Butt they whipped up a sumptuous spread of fine locavoric eats:

Chase rhode island dinner obama

I know the souvenir menu is hard to read, I spilled some of “Georges Special Sauce” on it, so I’ll reproduce it below:

The Presidential Menu

Lobster Risotto
Grilled Dirty Steak
with George’s Special Sauce
Al Forno Mashed Potatoes
Slivered Green Beans
Apple Crisp Tart


No waffles, no wings and no wieners...on the menu. I think you see the problem.

bo eats copy

Butt the chefs, farmers and other locavores shined a light of abundance on the local harvest:

  • hors d’oeuvres by Plantation Catering of Newport; owner Carol Smith helped Chace coordinate the event and served local clams casino, mini lobster club sandwiches, wild rice pancakes with cranberry chutney and vegetable quesadillas.

  • Stock for the Risotto was made with chickens (Rhode Island Reds, in honor of Big Guy) from Lily Rose Farm
  • The grass-fed beef came from Aquidneck Farms, which is located on conservation land overlooking the Sakonnet River in Portsmouth
  • Andrade’s Catch of Bristol brought the lobster

  • The herbs, onions, carrots and leeks on the menu came from Southside Community Land Trust, a network of urban gardens in Providence

  • Green beans came from Confreda Farms of Cranston

  • Spuds from Maplewood Farms of Portsmouth

  • The dessert table featured the apple tart from chef Andrew Shotts' Garrison Confections of Central Falls. The apples in the tart came from the historic Dame Farm & Orchards in Johnston and was paired with Sakonnet Vineyard’s Winterwine 2008.

  • Narragansett Creamery, the first artisan cheesesheads in Providence, provided a “cheese display table”. I don’t know if the cheeses were real or stunt cheeses, butt they clearly were for display only.

Historic, pumpkin carvings were supplied by Passion for Pumpkins, an Oxford, Massachusetts-based group. They also provided carvings depicting Big White, and a pineapple, as a nod to Big Guy’s alleged birth state.





So, let’s just cut to the chace, Big Guy came, he made eye contact with the cash cows, and he boogied out of town to finish “scooping the poop” he’d been dishing out all day. So, cut him some slack. Lady M did. As soon as she saw the cooler full of lobsters and apple tarts he had Buff and Johnnie pack “to go”. Oh, and a case of the Winter Wine.

bo cooler copy lobster bib copy

So let’s not hear any more about “didn’t Big Guy’s Mom teach him any manners?” and  “You’d think a ‘typical white’ grandma would have made sure the Won learned his P’s and Cues.”  I’ve seen the records from Harvard; he was clearly recorded as “present” at the Business and Politics Etiquette Seminar. And no one ever mentioned that you don’t take “doggie” bags home from a dinner at a “well-appointed home.”

Bellevue, Medina and on to San Fran Nan

We chose the perfect all day snacking outfit for yesterday’s grueling campaign trip to the Left Coast:

snack pouch Is that a snack pouch in the front of our blouse?

Peter Pilotto was the lucky $14 million lottery winner!

pouchyPatty, Dr. Jill and Mo, all in a row

For the first lunch we wore his new Fall print blousey top with a special tummy pouch. I’m not sure who designed the baggy black slacks, but they seem to have been designed to survive multiple lunches too.

Lady M really fired up the mostly female crowd:

"This election isn't just about all that we've accomplished these past couple of years. This election is about all that we have left to do in the months and years ahead," (YIKES.) "And Washington, let me just say this: My husband can't do this alone.”

Butt, we’re taking no chances. We’re hitting the airwaves today to ensure all our supporters get out to vote ahead of the elections so they can vote again next Tuesday.

As she told the crowd yesterday:

"You see, the one thing I asked all of you over the course of the campaign - I said, 'If I'm giving you my husband, then you have to have his back.'

And as we all know, there’s no better way to “have his back” than to vote early and often. Of course, this message is only meant for those who don’t want to give her her husband back, immediately.


And speaking of Big Guy, his POTUS seal is still missing in action. As was Rhode Island’s Democratic gubernatorial candidate, Frank Caprio whom Big Guy declined to endorse because, well, it looks like Independent Lincoln Chaffee has a better shot at winning. And we’re partial to winners in our column now.

Mr. Caprio indicated he didn’t care about the endorsement anyway, in a typically colorful, Rhode Island way. Man, where’s Buddy Cianci when we need him?

FireShot-_3 Providence Mayor David Cicilline, running for Congress, does care what Big Guy does with his endorsements. He may change his mind next Tuesday.

And of course, there was our San Francisco fund raiser last night. Look: the ladies all went for hair, nails, makeup and wardrobe changes after the Seattle round of fundraising.


Watch out Barbara, Elizabeth and Whoopie! The new Ladies of the View have arrived.

And you too, Oprah. We’re not going to be in Washington for ever.

lil nan jen_oprah Oprah%20Winfrey%203x4-thumb-400xauto-5610


Monday, October 25, 2010

Tracy Feith: Another One Bites the Dust

Well, don’t anyone tell  Maria Pinto, Kia Milla, and now, Tracy Feith about Lady M’s power to move markets. Unfortunately they all went belly-up following Lady M’s endorsement of their designs.

michelle-obama-wears-maria-pintoMO in 3 of Maria’s frocks

MICHELLE-OBAMA kia milla Kia’s Green Geenie inspiration

tracy feithSurfer boy Tracy’s oriental print for Lady M

I just don’t understand how this can be, maybe they just had cash flow problems, or their accountants were embezzling. Because according to the prestigious Harvard Business Review, they should have been selling stock, not closing up shop.

HBR’s recently published study, Vision Statement: How This First Lady Moves Markets, demonstrates definitively – or as definitively as any Harvard study these days – that Lady M  generates value of 14 million dollars every time she steps out of the Big White in someone’s outfit. Furthermore, she has driven increased value of companies’ stocks who make or sell stuff she wears over 2.7 billion dollars!!!!!!

So at least now you understand why MO was selected Fortune’s Most Powerful Woman in the World. Apparently it has nothing to do with our organic garden and No Kids’ Fat Behind program after all.

yep more sweet potatoes

Here’s an interesting little factoid from the well researched Harvard study:

Few models or celebrities make the kind of impact on company stock price that Michelle Obama does. The First Lady’s astonishing influence may be tied to the fact that consumers know she’s not paid to wear what she does, whereas they may subconsciously discount models’ endorsements as inherently corrupt.

… as opposed to the inherently non-corrupt motives of Washington. They seem to understand that Lady M’s clothes choices is just a part of her sacrificing for the American people.

and then there’s this:

The third and final factor driving this effect is Michelle Obama’s authenticity in the context of fashion. Consumers perceive her interest in and knowledge of fashion to be genuine. Combine those three factors and you have a powerful force: a woman who, every time she leaves the White House, creates an average of $14 million in value for the companies lucky enough to be chosen by her.

After reading this prestigious and comprehensive Harvard study, “Toxic Timmy” Geitner put together a plan to stimulate the economy by having Lady M change frocks hourly. His Treasury weasels are busy developing a model to translate our daily economic contribution, estimated to exceed $224 million per day, into the number of jobs MO has created or saved. It’s an almost infinite number!

Stay tuned: when we land in Seattle later this morning we’ll see who’s lucky enough to make $14 million today.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Slam Dunkin’ Donuts for Dollars

Monday’s going to require special attention to both our dress and containment system. Apparently we’ve been scheduled to attend not one, but TWO luncheons in Seattle, followed by  dinner in San Francisco. What were we thinking?

First we’ve got a fundraiser lunch for Patty Murray who apparently still needs a little boost even after Big Guy spent nearly the entire day eating donuts with her.

obama%20aat%20doughnut%20shopx-largeHere, stuff this Mr. President

When we’re done with that lunch, we’re headed over to have our real lunch at Costco founder Jeff Brotman’s house. It’s priced at a reasonable $1000 for the salad, chicken breast and chocolate lava cake (which you can get at Costco in the convenient 3 dozen pack for just $14.95)

choc lava

For $7500 you also get a picture. With Lady M, not the chocolate lava cake.

Then we’re on to San Francisco where we’ll hook up with Fancy Nancy for a reception and dinner for “Please Call-me-Senator-Boxer” (pleeeze!) at the Fairmont Hotel.

eeeuuu  Careful, Don’t manhandle Madame Senator

So you see why I’m concerned about potential wardrobe failure. I’ve suggested something along the lines of last weeks fuchsia model with that great front expansion panel, only with a new non-cling containment system.

here's the butt

Butt MO has nixed that idea. I can’t wait to see what she decides on.

caucus-michelle-articleInline Maybe we’ll just go with a basic black expansion joint

So we’re just packin’ today, ahead of our West Coast swing. And staying out of Big Guy’s way. He had a grueling week, wrapping it up late last night in Minneapolis where he and Big Nan were raising tons of money (something he’s still really good at) for Mark Dayton. After telling his favorite joke about the car in a ditch (polite laughter), he got a little nostalgic:

And so let me just leave you with this thought. I know that because this has been a tough couple of years I’ve had people come back — come up to me sometimes and say, gosh, when you were elected in 2008, that was so exciting. Election night was just unbelievable, and then Inauguration Day, you had BeyoncĂ© singing and — (laughter) — Bono. And I was at the inauguration and it was just so inspiring. And I’ve got to admit, Mr. President, sometimes over the last couple of years, with all the negative ads and all the money that’s been pouring in, all the filibustering and obstruction in Congress, sometimes I just start losing altitude, start losing hope. It just seems like change is so hard to bring about.

He said it’s because (pseudo) facts, (fake)science and (illogical)arguments aren’t working anymore because people are scared and frustrated and no longer thinking straight.

Butt, as the “elegant, beautiful and tough” Speaker explained, that’s not really the problem.

NP-SHAZAMWell, Ok, tough 

The real problem, Nancy explained, is that “Everything was going great and all of a sudden secret money from God knows where – because they won’t disclose it – is pouring in.” I don’t know where it came from either, butt in the past our money has always come from George Soros, so maybe they could check with him.

Meanwhile, we can’t even afford to hire a trusted aide to travel with us to make sure the POTUS seal stays affixed to our podium. It’s just not fair!