Friday, October 29, 2010

The Last Train to Snarksville: All Aboard!

You know what? Dr. Jill Biden is starting to get on my nerves. It used to be she would just stand around on the sidelines, smiling, nodding, looking like a proper VFLOTUS. Now she’s acting like she’s auditioning for the lead roll.

She and MO shared a historic joint appearance on Ellen yesterday. Lady M danced onto the set of Ellen’s little coffee klatch to the strains of Kool and the Gang’s “Ladies Night” as she told the audience “I’m trying to move” – her patented concept for fighting obesity. Meanwhile, Dr. Jill does this sexy slink towards the couch in her tight dress, wiggling her hips like a teenager in heat, to the beat of the Black Eyed Peas “I’ve Got a Feeling.” If I hadn’t seen the rehearsal, I’d have sworn they got their music mixed up. Butt I will say this: apparently knowing how to move is an effective aide in fighting excess body fat.

One of MO’s objective’s – aside from saving the elections for the dead Dems walking - was to put to rest the rumor about MO hatin’ on being FLOTUS (started by that little troublemaker, Carla). Speaking of life in the White House, she said: “It’s amazing. It’s a gift and a privilege every day.” Actually, there are days when we get even more than one gift. That part really is amazing. We keep one of those giant PODS containers behind the servants’ quarters to store all of our booty until the inevitable day when we have to

knees better left covered up

But getting back to Dr. Jill, what exactly does she think she’s doing?  Sure, she has a doctorate in Education, butt look, she’s going to be 60 next year. Why does she have to be dancing, talking and staying slim like that? She doesn’t look anything like a typical white grandmother. Maybe it’s time to get in the back seat and give the keys back to the most powerful woman in the world.  Behold the power of MO’s charm, as she speaks of the Wee Wons:

"Fortunately the girls are pretty young. They're not watching the news. They're pretty much watching Disney and all that good stuff. They're fairly shielded but when they have questions we talk about it honestly. ... Fortunately they have friends who don't make it an issue. I think it's been better than I would of expected."

Maybe Dr. Jill, who used to be an English teacher, could find some personal fulfillment by tutoring Lady M in English grammar. Not that I’m saying MO needs tutoring, because she is a Princeton and Harvard Law graduate, in case you didn’t know. But it looks to me like Dr. Jill needs to polish up her self-esteem a little, and maybe thinking she’s helping someone else would help.

On the other hand. if she’s the won who taught JoeyB how many letters there are in “jobs,” maybe not. Butt I’m pretty sure that when that incident occurred she only had a Master’s degree in edducayshun.

And hey, here’s another opportunity: maybe she could tutor our VPOTUS in history too. He seems to keep getting little facts and details mixed up. For example, just the other day Joey told attendees at a Dem fundraiser:

“Every single great idea that has marked the 21st century, the 20th century and the 19th century has required government vision and government incentive,”

Really!?? Government vision and incentive?  

So we can thank the government for Edison’s incandescent light bulb as well as the first-ever commercial electricity company? I though investors and JP Morgan (hateful capitalist pig bank) backed that.

And the Wright brothers air plane? And automobiles? Television? Telephones? Penicillin? Canned beer? How about toasters, crayons and Lifesavers? To say nothing of Teflon, Tupperware and Post-it-Notes? All great ideas. All government vision? Hmm.

And Xerox machines? I believe the U.S. Army Signal Corp turned down an offer to sign up to invest in these babies. That’s pretty good government vision. And government incentivized the building of Micro-soft and Windows? I only remember Justice trying to dis-incentivize them by trying to break them up under the Anti-Trust Act (Ok, I’ll grant you that Windows may be a bad examples of “great” ideas.) But how about Apples and iPods? Steve Jobs is a government tool? Who knew.

I’d add the Internet to the list; but since Algore was a government functionary right up until the time Bush stole the election from him, I’ll have to give that one to Joey. Now that Al’s a freelancer, I will note that he has invented the largest environmental and financial scam of all time in the form of carbon credits. But again, I’ll have to give that one to Joey too: there is definitely a ton of government “incentives” involved there.

Otherwise, I would have to say that the only “government vision and incentive” involved in most of the truly great ideas has been their vision of additional revenue which incentivized lawmakers to find new ways to tax them.

But wait: there’s more!  Joey  was still not done with his mis-mis-understanding of the nature of government and private enterprise:

“In the middle of the Civil War you had a guy named Lincoln paying people $16,000 for every 40 miles of track they laid across the continental United States. … No private enterprise would have done that for another 35 years.”

Whoa, there J-Man! Not only did you mis-remember most of your facts about the the Transcontinental Railway, but you might not want to give government too much credit for what ultimately was a   typical government project of out of control costs and endemic corruption. These are the dudes that put the “robber” in robber baron.

Whew! I guess we’re all just lucky that Big Guy went on the Daily Show


and Lady M went on Ellen in her pink sweater set and floral pencil skirt


to completely change the subject.