Saturday, May 21, 2011

I Hope that Whiff of Manure is Coming From the Organic Garden


don't point that thingat meI’m not kidding little man: don’t point that thing at me again unless you mean it.

Well, I’ll give this to JJ: as far as Big White shills go, he is genuinely the most plausibly clueless mouthpiece we’ve ever sent out there.

I think the handlers determined that the best way for JJ to appear believable was to give him the mushroom treatment, and it seems to be working. Day after day he goes in front of the talking heads to explain that 2+2=5, down is up and white is black – or vice versa, just like a starry-eyed rookie corporate spokesmouth. And while I think the little guy is cute as a puppy, he just doesn’t have the mental acuity to parse words as believably as a James Carville, Paul Begala or even an unpolished old Gibbsy. That’s why it’s best that he know nothing: so he can lie with sincerity.

Case in point: after Bibi said “no thanks” to Big Guy’s thoughtful suggestion of just returning to pre-1967 borders as a peace talk starter, Jay-Jay attempted to clarify the situation for the Forth Estate:

Well done, Portabello.

There was also a ton of more important news yesterday including the Wons parent-teacher conference:

sidwell hawaiian skirtOff to Sidwell, again, in our Hawaiian skirt, again: do we know how to do “recession” or what?

leaving HI

Then for an attempted trompe l'oeil on our Mideast policy statement Big Guy ran over to the CIA after the Netanyahu optics (which weren’t all that attractive, in retrospect).

mostareForget it: MO’s patented stare didn’t turn Carla to stone, and BO’s will not bore a hole through Bibi, who is rock solid.

…in order to take give credit where it was due for taking OBL out.

     When I chose Leon Panetta as Director of the CIA, I said he was going to be a strong advocate for this agency and would strengthen your capabilities to meet the threats of our time.  And when I chose Jim Clapper as Director of National Intelligence, I charged him with making sure that our intelligence community works as one integrated team.  That’s exactly what these two leaders have done, along with all of you.

Whew! First paragraph, after the obligatory “thank yous” and 4 “I’s” already. Thirty five in total for his 7 minute address in case you’re keeping count.

ciaWhile I’m here, maybe I can help you connect all these dots too.

And still we’re not done! Lady M was off to woo wow the graduating cadets and their families at the U.S. Military Academy at West  Point.


More on that later, butt now I’m going to sneak into Lady M’s organic garden of Verses to plant some flowers among the prickly nettles, turnips and black kale. I like to have a little bouquet in my bunker come summer and I think I can grow them in the shadows of the more politically correct veggies without anyone being the wiser.

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Friday, May 20, 2011

With Friends like this…

Well, put Big Guy down as a proponent of the Bush doctrine. That’s right; although he was against democracy before he was for it, he’s now completely down with it – at least in the Mideast.

And that might be what everyone was talking about today, butt for the other about-face he took at his State Department speech. He called for a return to the 1967 – well, actually 1948 - border between Israel and Palestine. Apparently Beebe heard about his plan to throw Israel under his decidedly crowded bus and called Hill, who was unable to persuade Big Guy to yank that little snip out of his big speech.

susanricehillaryHill doesn’t look too happy, having been red-lined from the speech.


People watched Big Guy’s Arab Spring speech with rapt attention throughout the Middle East:

barber shop in Al Amari refugee camp near the West Bank city of Ramallahsmokin in the boys room bengazi versionlibyacairo coffee shop





So I suppose I should clear the golf clubs and dirty laundry bags out of the back hall, because it looks like Bennie will be arriving via the rear entrance again today.

Anyway, after consulting with both Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton, BO came up with the not so original two-state solution without going so far as to address the Palestinian “right to return” claim. Since that’s really the whole issue, it looks like this speechifying was just a little grandstanding from the opposite side of the field. Butt hey, Big Guy’s got TOTUS and a Nobel Peace Prize, so it’s not like he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Besides, the real purpose of the read was not to clear things up in the Middle East, butt to test drive a two state solution for the US as well. The proposal would be to return the US to the pre-1845 border between us and Mexico. In short, he wants to give Texas back to the Mexicans. It’s a win-win: we won’t have to build moats with alligators, and Mexico gets all the rednecks who aren’t going to vote for Big Guy no matter what.

That wasn’t the only news coming out of the Big White yesterday – the day was jam-packed with campaign events.

First, Lady M lent her awesome artistic talents to another community service wall painting project. In these troubled times, there’s more demand than ever for volunteers to come in and paint cartoons on walls to cheer people up.

Joint Base Anacostia-BolingSupporting our military families by brightening up the base in our recycled big purple Keds

muralsTalent on loan from God

And later there was the annual Democratic National Committee's Women's Leadership Forum, an important group in the launch of our 2012 WTF campaign.


Because the ladies absolutely love Big Guy:

fanclubCharter members of our fan club

Here’s the lovely dress MO wore in it’s full length beauty shot - complete with gathers, pleats and full-camo pumps:


2012.WTF. Let’s raise the roof!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Good Potatoes Gone Bad

c3e8bda34727340f4c4571dd6c823b34It’s a sad day in Mr. Potato Head’s world

You probably heard about the great potato caper by now, the
USDA’s proposal to ban potatoes from school lunchrooms. Technically this effort got underway late last year with this FDA dictum for WIC recipients:

Under an interim rule, the USDA agreed to bar WIC participants from buying potatoes, with their federal dollars. Potatoes are the only vegetables not allowed.

Although this campaign has been going on much longer, and has much bigger game in its site:

Michelle Obama, the first lady and a healthy-eating advocate, has her sights set on a new target: the nation’s restaurants.

A team of advisers to Mrs. Obama has been holding private talks over the past year with the National Restaurant Association, a trade group, in a bid to get restaurants to adopt her goals of smaller portions and children’s meals that include healthy offerings like carrots, apple slices and milk instead of French fries and soda, according to White House and industry officials.

Butt as is often the case, to really see what’s going on around here you have to peer below the surface to get to the transparency part. In this case if you look carefully you’ll see that it isn’t a ban against ALL potatoes: just WHITE potatoes.

That’s right: potatoes of color get special treatment.

t1larg_michelleobamasweetpotato_giThat’s quite a spud!

Now I know what you’re thinking: it’s because Lady M grows some of the finest sweet potatoes on the planet in her Big White Organic Garden of Versus.

65577730-us-firstWhat am I gonna do with all these damn sweet potatoes?

And while that’s certainly a very good theory, that’s not it.

Your second guess would probably be that it’s all about Lady M’s attempt to eliminate fat kids behinds in one generation. Butt that’s not it either.

It’s really all about our Agricultural Secretary Vilsack’s need to perform a "cultural transformation" due to a decades-long (or at least during the Bush administration) problem with a lack of diversity and a history of discrimination at the USDA. Which is funny because I thought the shakedown payoffs settlement in the Pigford case paid off all that ginned up guilt.

Apparently not, because the agency just concluded a two year long, $8 million “study” into claims of discrimination. Per the report, as usual, women and minorities were effected the most.

Butt buried somewhere in the Jackson Lewis LLP Corporate Diversity Counseling Group’s very lengthy report (at least we got our money’s worth!) was the recommendation that the USDA, going forward, ban white potatoes and allow only potatoes of color, aka sweet potatoes. Think of it as leveling the potato field.


The U.S. Department of Agriculture is proposing to eliminate the "white potato"-defined as any variety but the sweet potato-from federally subsidized school breakfasts and to limit them sharply at lunch.

Butt there may be blood in the war on spuds:

Messing with a stalwart like the spud doesn't go well with the potato industry, school cafeteria directors and legislators from potato-growing regions. They're fighting to see that in schools, no potato is left behind.

As part of the effort, spud sellers are promoting potatoes as a "true gateway vegetable" that could lead kids to broccoli.

I don’t know; I sure wouldn’t want to be the one to tell Carl that he can have all the broccoli he wants, butt no fried tator’s today:

So carry on. We’ve got much bigger battles to fight than Affirmative Action for potatoes of color. In case you forgot, we’ve got 3 wars going on and Big Guy is scheduled to announce the solution to the problem today. Not surprisingly, it’s going to cost us more money. So let’s get that debt ceiling raised, already, so we can send more foreign borrowed money to the Mideast. You know: WTF.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Obama: Our First Black Jewish President


610xJordanian Press, Waiting for Abdullah

May is Jewish American Heritage Month in the U.S.and we are in full WTF mode, so naturally we had a Big White reception to honor the event. Butt we had to squeeze it in between a meeting with Jordan’s King Abdullah in the morning to discuss ways to minimize Israel’s influence further peace in the Middle East, and the weekly Big White pizza night.

King AbdullahThe King and I

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, recently anointed as the chair of the DNC, was "one of the driving forces" behind the creation of Jewish American Heritage Month according to Big Guy. Debbie discovered that they were one of the few minority groups that didn’t have its very own month to air grievances and immediately set to work legislating this deficiency away.

Jewish Heritage moBig Guy reaches out to his Jewish constituency ahead of 2012

So now, thanks to Debbie’s intervention, American Jews no longer need to settle for assimilating – and quite successfully it seems - into the American fabric. Now they, too, can be victims. And let’s face it, victims are a much more reliable Democratic voting block.

Now that Sergeant Schultz is head of the DNC, she’ll be responsible for keeping her tribe in line in order to help us WTF.


Unfortunately, Lady M was unable to attend the reception due to a scheduling conflict: our weekly pedicure. Because it’s the time of year when we move out of these:

amd_sneakers_obamaand into these:







Big Guy used the occasion to  reaffirm his "unshakable support and commitment" to Israel. Oh oh. Sgt. Schultz may have to explain to her peeps why Israel has to give up their independence. All this is ahead of a major policy speech on the "Arab spring" on Thursday at the State Department and a meeting with Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu on Friday.

The reception was very nice, and despite what you may have heard the guests were NOT required to use the back entrance.

Here are Big Guy’s remarks, a shout out to Debbie accompanied by one of his funny  “short” jokes and complete iPhone coverage:

Pandering – it just never gets old.

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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I Love the Smell of Rich in the Morning

Yesterday Big Guy was busy with his official Big White greeter duties. There were all of the UConn NCAA champions to be greeted:


And since it’s the May before an election year, another commencement ceremony to address. This rock star responsibility rotates between Lady M and Big Guy and it was BO’s turn at Booker T. Washington high school in Memphis.

making all the girls cryWe aren’t the only ones that Big Guy reduces to tears

Big Guy greeted each and every graduate; here’s the long and the short of it:

the long  short

In his address he told the kids:

Education also teaches you the value of discipline -- that the greatest rewards come not from instant gratification but from sustained effort and from hard work.  This is a lesson that’s especially true today, in a culture that prizes flash over substance, that tells us that the goal in life is to be entertained, that says you can be famous just for being famous.  You get on a reality show -- don't know what you’ve done -- suddenly you’re famous.  But that's not going to lead to lasting, sustained achievement. 

Or the Presidency ... or a Nobel Peace Prize.

Just ask The Donald. He had a choice between being President of the United States and Leader of the Free World, or stick with Celebrity Apprentice. He chose wisely.

That makes the second R-word in the same number of days who announced they were not running: the Trumpster and the Huckster. (I previously revealed my exclusive inside scoop on the Huckster sliding into Beck’s timeslot when he leaves.)

So here’s the score in the Presidential sweepstakes so far: Game Shows 2, Presidential Aspirations 0. I sure hope nobody offers Big Guy a reality show.

Anyway, not a bad day’s work on the part of the Official US Greeter. And as an added bonus, fashion forward shoe ideas for Lady M!

killer shoesmore killer shoesthe long

And speaking of fashion, did you see where Bijan Pakzad passed away? Who, you ask, is Bijan?

“Bijan Pakzad, an extravagant fashion designer and boutique owner who happily and unabashedly made wealthy men look rich, feel rich and smell rich,” Mr. Pakzad explained that he catered to customers who “normally aren’t concerned about inflation.”

You too could look rich, feel rich and smell rich if you could afford to buy your suits at the most expensive boutique on Rodeo Drive. Butt, you ask, who can afford that, MOTUS? Well, you’d be surprised, for starters, Dominique Straus-Kahn, temporarily head of the IMF and accused rapist. Butt a lot of other famous people over the years as well including Frank Sinatra, Cary Grant, Stevie Wonder, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Michael Jordan and President Obama.

Whoa! Big Guy? The one who told college grads back when he was campaigning – the last time I mean – that "our individual salvation depends on collective salvation." He disparaged students who want to "take your diploma, walk off this stage, and chase only after the big house and the nice suits and all the other things that our money culture says you should buy."

Butt, there’s nothing wrong with smelling rich!

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on DougRoss@Journal Thanks!

Monday, May 16, 2011

We’ve Come a Long Way, Baby!


“And I want to give a special shoutout to one of my people, one of my staff members, Ms. Kristen Jarvis of Spelman class of 2003. (Applause.) Look, ladies, you want to know what Spelman does for you? Kristen is my right-hand woman. She travels with me all across the country and around the world. I don't know what I would do without her. She has been with me from the very beginning, looking after my girls, taking care of my mom. So I want to thank Spelman for giving me Kristen.” (Applause.)

So girls, for $150,000 you can receive an education at a prestigious black women’s college so that you too can become a… nanny?

I recall a time when a black nanny was considered a demeaning stereotype. I guess HOPE and CHANGE have moved us beyond certain aspects of racism.

hattiemcdanielScarlett and Mammy, in more racist times

And boy, talk about woman power! According to WaPo:

“most of the crowd were mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters or female cousins — all filling the 10,000-seat exhibit hall to see the first lady.”

I wonder where all the fathers, grandfathers, uncles, brothers, male cousins, boyfriends and husbands were? I thought that kind of segregation was frowned upon. By everyone other than Muslims anyway, and I’m pretty sure Spelman isn’t an Islamic school.

Lady M’s much anticipated speech was met with “thunderous applause” at Spelman, a predominantly Black women’s college near Atlanta, where she told the assembled graduates:

In a time of legalized segregation, this school was establishing math and biology departments and training a generation of black women scientists. (Applause.)
At a time when many workplaces were filled with not just glass ceilings, but brick walls, this school was urging black women to become doctors, and lawyers, engineers,

And, apparently, nannies.

As she often does, Lady M personalized her message by sharing some details of her own life:

And I can tell you from my own experience just how rewarding it can be to make this kind of work the work of your careers. Back when I was sitting right where you are, I was certain that I wanted to be a lawyer. I knew it. So I did everything I was supposed to do. I got my law degree. Got a prestigious job at a fancy law firm. Had a nice big ‘ol paycheck and was finally making a dent in my student loans. My friends were
impressed. My family proud -- and relieved. (Laughter.) By all appearances, I was living the dream.

But all the while, I knew something was missing, because the truth is, I didn’t want to be up in that tall building, alone in an office writing memos. I wanted to be on the ground, working with the folks I grew up with…I wanted to be out there giving folks the same kind of chances that I had. I wanted to be mentoring young people.


red pepper flexThe Greater D.C. Cares Mentoring Matters Initiative: Painting veggies on school walls

football michelleOn the ground. Working with the folks.

chinball5Mentoring underprivileged girls in the fine art of chin ball

mi photoshoppmichelle o photomichelle.glamourmag_250x340michelle-obamas-vogue

giving folks the same kind of chances that I had”


So much to the surprise of my family and friends, I left that secure, high-paying job and eventually became the Executive Director of a non-profit, working to help young people get involved in public service.

I was making a lot less money -- a lot -- and my office was a lot smaller. But I woke up every morning with a sense of purpose and possibility.

And wow! Have we nailed our sense of purpose:

[REFILE - QUALITY REPEAT] *** []Oval Office Make over! (If you know what I mean.)

And talk about grabbing our possibilities!


In the context of everything that Lady M has come to do since, it does make getting “a prestigious job at a fancy law firm,” sound kind of selfish. And dirty, even. I guess in retrospect giving up that law license (voluntarily, you understand) was the smartest thing Lady M ever did.

Because now she can concentrate on inspiring and mentoring others to seek their own sense of purpose and possibility.

betts03 jacketPrinceton. Harvard Law. And then, finally, success

You all are the keepers of each other’s histories. And the bonds that you’ve formed here will nourish you and sustain you for the rest of your lives. Now, that is sisterhood.


movalsusanLady M with her travelin’ sisters: ValJar and Susan

They’ve traveled far, these sisters.

You might say “we’ve come a long way, baby!”


Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sneakers, Obots and Hucksters

I really wanted to stay out of this sneaker kerfuffle, butt somehow I ended up smack dab in the middle of it anyway. It all started with this cute little Skechers cartoon commercial aimed at little girls: (in case you’re unfamiliar, Sketchers is the company that makes those shoes with the goofy rocker bottoms said to “sculpt your legs and butt”)

Lady M  got her nose all out of joint because they were trying to cheese in on her own patented Let’s Move campaign: can you imagine trying to capitalize on someone else’s hard work and efforts for your personal benefit? Despicable.

Since such behavior cannot be tolerated,  Lady M called up her Let’s Move Militia to launch an internet blitzkrieg to force Skechers in line. was the first militia unit to answer the call with a petition drive to “...Tell Skechers to let kids be kids, and stop body policing young girls!” Move Trooper Hilary Moss HufPo’d the petition drive and our campaign was off to a brilliant start.

With our internet assault underway, and by all reports “Winning!” MO moved to protect our legal flanks (remember: she does have an Ivy League law degree, although she voluntarily surrendered her license to practice law with it. Now that we have our own whole Justice Department, that doesn’t seem so silly any more.) She ordered RickyHo to ensure that she retains sole rights to all of our trademarks, logos, patents and intellectual property relating to the hugely successful “Let’s Move” campaign in perpetuity. Just in case there is some sort of political unrest in the country and she can’t remain in Washington to direct all aspects of the Let’s Move unit.

So Ricky sent his goons to shake down discuss Skechers’ patent infringement and “supremacy clause” violations. His case must have been pretty darn solid because the next day Leonard Armato, Skechers Fitness Group Big Cheese, posted a HufPo reply to Tropper Moss’ post, and fessed up to cheesing in on Lady M’s initiative. And then, just before our midmorning snack, we received a boatload of cash ginormous boost to our WTF coffers and a stack of vouchers for free Skechers good for sizes up to and including 14.

With Skechers now solidly “on board” with our messaging, Lady M and I went shopping to “buy” some sneakers. I love it when a plan comes together.

Michelle Obama Obesity“You can really move your butts with a pair of these fine shoes! Be sure to tell mommy and daddy.”

Unfortunately in the excitement of “Moving” to  “Win the Future” Lady M forgot to call off the dogs, so to speak, and Sgt. Agusta Christensen quickly fired back at old  Lenny on HufPo.

Sgt. Christensen is “...a 21-year-old feminist blogger with a BA in Political Science from Swarthmore College...” and, more importantly she ads “...A former horrifically awkward 7-year-old girl who, despite being witty and having gushing parents, had awful self-esteem and was susceptible to many marketing ploys that preyed on on my insecurities...”  Whew! That’s a lot of baggage to carry around!

(A Little Inside Baseball Note: Our Obots are great and we love them to death, butt they don’t seem to have an “off” button. Once they are sent into action, they are kind of on autopilot until they get a new directive. We may have been a little premature unleashing them before we knew how easy it was going to be to get Skechers to help us WTF.)

So now, Lady M had to dispatch RickyHo’s goons again, this time to demobilize our Obots and explain to them that it’s a big tent, and that Skechers is now one of our circus clowns. And if that doesn’t do the trick, I think they plan to show them the super-secret “pictures” of OBL.

We no sooner have the Obot business taken care of than another monkey shows up to throw a wrench into our plan and ruin our day. This one, not surprisingly, from the Fox News trolls. Here’s Molly Line stirring the pot again this morning:

I know most normal people are in church on Sunday morning, butt seriously, were these two the best they could come up with to discuss such an important topic? The one on the left (our side) looks like she’s been on the “lemon & vinegar diet” a little too long, and the other one had better return big Guy’s ears before he notices they are missing. Sheesh.

And that’s where I come in. As soon as MO heard about this from her staff who gets paid to watch Fox NewsLady M dispatched me to advise Molly of her displeasure. She also wanted me to demonstrate what sort of distortion I’m capable of projecting on her TeeVee image. Of course, I could never actually use my powers for evil like that, my ethics pack wouldn’t permit it. Butt some days I really hate my job.

Anyway, I didn’t even have to broach the subject because it turns out Molly’s not going to be filling in on the Weekend With Fox and Friends anymore, she doesn’t find the story interesting anyway and so she promised to drop it. That was a relief, I’m not really equipped to handle Chicago style politics.

Butt while I was over on the Fox set, I DID pick up a little bit of strictly off the record intel, so you can’t tell anyone. I know you’ve all heard that Mike Huckabee announced on his show last night that he is NOT going to run for President in 2012.

Huckabee%20on%20bassPlay that funky music, white boy

Butt here’s the “rest of the story:” scuttlebutt around the Fox set has it that you can look for Huck to fill the soon to be vacated “Beck” timeslot Monday through Friday on Fox News. Shhh! Don’t tell anyone. It’s a MOTUS exclusive.

Oh yes, and now that he’s free to do so, he’s accepted a gratuitous position on Lady M’s Let’s Move advisory committee. In this capacity he’ll be interfacing with Walmart on issues of national nutritional importance. He received this honorary position because he’s the only R-word to back our No Kids Fat Behind program. And because his Healthy Arkansas program pre-dated even Lady M’s (don’t worry, the “supremacy clause” works against state’s rights). And because his Arkansas efforts serve as a model of success:

Results of the BMI screenings, which are published annually by the nonpartisan Arkansas Center for Health Improvement, show that the percentage of overweight and obese children has remained stubbornly and exactly at 38% from 2005 to 2009.

Oh, and because he’s from Arkansas. And so is Walmart!

Although I understand he’s building a new home in Florida. I thought for a minute that  it might be in the Donald’s Maralago. Butt nope: it’s in Blue Mountain Beach. Right on the ocean. Nice.

1303044061-huckhomeThe Huck’s new modest home under construction

Well, at least his heart told him that he’s really just a game show host. So we’ve got that going for us.

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