Saturday, March 27, 2010

An Honor Just to be Nominated

What a dilemma. Lady M is receiving a huge award from Nickelodeon tonight, but she won’t be able to accept it in person. We’re still holed up here in the Big White getting ready for our meeting next week with Carla. It’s the usual routine: detox and Botox. We’ll be enjoying olive oil dipped cotton appetizers and a full body slimming wrap and wax. We want to look our best – you know, for the American people.

But let me tell you about the big award. It’s the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice “Big Help Award” for Lady M’s “Let’s Move” campaign aimed at ending childhood obesity and promoting wellness and healthy living among the nation’s youth. Wow! This is like the Nobel of Anti- Fat Awards! Only this one doesn’t come with any kroners.

Nickelodeon said the award “recognizes those who seek to better the world, and whose significant impact on their community has inspired kids to do the same.”

Boy, that’s Lady M alright: seeking to better the world one organic vegetable at a time. I sure wish we could go to accept the award in person though.(The award is a big orange blimp. Just a coincidence – it’s their logo)


USA/pinto red2un red 2Mo and Yoo Soon-taek

Because usually, after they present you with the blimp, they like to  dump a big bucket of Nick’s trademark green slime on you!  The kids love it.

The Nickelodeon people suggested maybe we could do a remote sliming right here in the Big White. But apparently our new social secretary nixed that idea, because ABC is reporting that some Big White spokesperson has already announced there will be “no slime” at the White House.

Au contraire, mon frère! But that’s an altogether different story.

But wait! There’s more! MO and Big Guy were also nominated for this year’s “cutest couple” Nick award. The competition for this category was a lot stiffer than the “Big Help” award, and it doesn’t look like we’re going to win that one. Hard to believe, I know. APTOPIX Obama US FranceToo cute by half

But I know we would have gone if we had bagged that one, because  Big Guy really likes to accept awards. And the Wee Wons would have loved to see him get slimed. As would a fair share of the rest of America.

onstage during Nickelodeon's 2008 Kids' Choice Awards held at the Pauley Pavilion on March 29, 2008 in Westwood, California.But seriously, it was a great honor just being nominated.

Friday, March 26, 2010

bb: what a yahoo

Whew! It might be Spring, but it’s been chilly around the Big White ever since the dinner late afternoon meeting with BB Netanyahu. Did you hear about the Big Chill? Seems that Big Guy, with his renewed superhuman powers,super obama decided it was time to show that Israeli upstart just who was in charge around here.

Here’s the short story: Netanyahu “blindsided” Joey B with the announcement that the Israelis are building a new apartment building in Jerusalem. (I don’t know if this was a diplomatic slight or not, but I can tell you: it’s not that hard to blindside Joey) I guess the Israelis are supposed to be acting like they already gave half of their capital city to the Palestinians. Because the Palestinians have been discriminated against too, you know, Just like the Jews. OK, nobody killed 6 million of them, but people say mean things about them all the time (except on PBS and NPR). Maybe because they keep blowing things up? But I digress. Big Guy made it clear, you know - “Let me make it perfectly clear” - to BB that he forbade him to start any new settlements in his country’s own capital city, and he went ahead and did it anyway. Boy, the nerve of that guy! Building in his capital.

So I guess the Palestinians want Jerusalem back (although it’s not clear in my hard drive that it was ever really theirs in the first place, but that’s another story.) So we all feel sorry for them now, and we want everything to be fair. Just split that baby down the middle, like in King Solomon’s days.

But apparently BB didn’t roll over like Big Guy is getting used to again, now that, as I said, he’s regained his super-powers. star So in his meeting with that little peon leader of the Jewish state, Big Guy just gets up and announces that he’s going to have dinner with Lady M and the Wee Wons, leaving BB sitting there to think about his bad behavior.

Three things come to mind: first, Big Guy must really, really like the pot roast Cristeta was serving up on Tuesday. Second, I know for a fact he didn’t have dinner with Lady M, because we were enjoying Marcus’ 20 course tasting dinner at Aquavit on Tuesday. Third, this is the same behavioral modification training Big Guy tried to use on little Bo.I don’t want to be negative here, but  frankly it didn’t work very well with little Bo, if you know what I mean. And it doesn’t look like it worked any better with BB. He and his friends left, leaving a note for Big Guy behind saying: I’ll give up half of Jerusalem when you give Texas back to the Mexicans.” I’m afraid that’s not the kind of negotiations we’re used to around here. At least with the Republicans it’s been more like “How about you give me your car, and I’ll give you one of my old shoes*?”

In other Big White news: Lady M went to the Alicia Keys concert last night. Here she is with Alicia last year:


And here’s Alicia at her concert:

st-keys27  I think you can see why there won’t be any side-by-sides this year.

We’re on the cotton-balls dipped-in- olive oil diet of the models all weekend because Carla’s coming next week and we want to be in shape. So it looks like another weekend hanging out in the little room at the back of Lady M’s closet. That’s OK, it will give me a chance to write a review of my brother Hub’s new movie. You’re going to love it!

*HT to Woz, deal analyst in the way-way back machine who could always sum up a deal succinctly.

Big Apple on a Dime

Lady M, Grammy and the girls got back from the Big Apple late Wednesday. I’ve hidden all the scales, and switched my refractors onto the lowest setting, –10. The trip was a huge success and a big hit with the Wee Wons. Whoa! We even hit a candy store! Here's the reverse order run down from the Chicago Sun Times:

• Wednesday. We toured the "Sesame Street" studio. You remember Sesame street, right? alg_obama_sesame Where we touted our fruit and veggie diet? Nothing to eat there. Then, off to Brooklyn, visiting the Brooklyn Bridge Park, the Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory and a well-known pizzeria, Grimaldi's. Pepperoni and sausage. Oh yeah, someone ordered a veggie pizza, but that was just for show.

• Tuesday. Harlem.Not the real Harlem of course, where the pimps,whores and drug addicts hang, but the uptown gentrified part. You know, where Bill Clinton has set up his lair office? Then we toured the Studio Theater and the famous Apollo Theater. All that touring worked up a voracious appetite. Lady M and some friends dined at Aquavit, owned by Marcus Samuelsson, the guest chef at White House first state dinner for the Prime Minister of India. She ordered the tasting menu. (that’s like, what, 15 courses?) Grammy and girls stayed at the hotel and ordered in: lobster appetizers, kobe sliders garnished with foie gras,caesar salad, hold the anchovies, extra dressing, hot fudge sundaes, and a fifth of Captain Morgan’s. It’s so cute to see the wee Wons act all grown up.

• Monday night: A preview of a new musical, "The Addams Family,"which opens next month. We’ve pretty much covered that already.

• Sunday matinee: The musical "Memphis" about an interracial couple in segregation-era Tennessee. Before that, brunch at the Mesa Grill. (the girls – all of them – luv Bobby Flay.)

• Saturday night: Blue Man group. On the same day a stop at Dylan's Candy Bar (have you ever had a deep fried Snickers bar? Divine!)

In addition, we squeezed in lunch at my personal favorite Russian Tea Room, but it’s really nothing like it used to be in the 80’s, or  even the 90’s with Bill and Hil. I think they even get their borscht out of a bottle now. And the caviar is domestic. Not to mention that they redid the whole room and it no longer looks like a St. Petersburg bordello. Some people like the more sophisticated atmosphere, but frankly I find it all a little bourgeois now.

But we did the whole trip on a very tight budget:  Lady M, Grammy, the Wee Wons, a dozen little friends, 5 days in the Big Apple. Round trip transportation on special Air Force Two shuttle:$150,000. Accomodations and food (lots of food): $150,000, total number of photos shot by paparazzi: pigeon toed  Cost to clear alg_michelle_obama_ny the streets, sweep the crowds, confiscate cell phones and cameras: priceless.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Smoot-meister Arrives

Monday marked the official start date for our new social secretary, Julianna Smoot. Ms.NBC has done their obligatory suck-up piece and WaPo has done an excellent job mourning the passage of our dearly departed Diva, Desi (dddd); “(her) departure has the fashion industry practically in mourning. No one has expressed a whiff of excitement over her replacement, Julianna Smoot. Instead, there’s concern that Washington might end up in cultural retreat.”

 NA/MONEYGURUI hate to disagree with the WaPo, but while the fashion industry may be less than excited about Julie being on board, The DNC is frothing at the mouth. And they don’t seem to give a fig about the new social secretary’s wardrobe. All they care about is the fact that she presided over the fund raising for Big Guy’s $750 million presidency: and she comes with all those phone numbers and emails in her Blackberry. We traded our fashionista in on a cash-inista.

And I think you’ll agree, Lady M will be much more comfortable with Julie too. Which southern belle would you rather stand next to when showing off your toned guns: the ex-Zulu Queen from N’Oleans,


who is  always looking for a chance to show off her underwearFireShot capture #017 - 'Desiree Rogers's fashion flair - washingtonpost_com' - www_washingtonpost_com_wp-dyn_content_gallery_2010_03_02_GA2010030204103_html_sid=ST2010030204209



this genteel, matronly-looking ATM from South Carolina?  And did I mention that Smootie also worked for the American Association of Trial Lawyers? That could prove useful in the unlikely event of future Big White indictments. But here’s the real benefit of that association - noted in the upper right hand corner:

FireShot capture #022 - 'http___www_muckety_com_Julianna-Smoot_8576_muckety' - www_muckety_com_Julianna-Smoot_8576_muckety Original from

So while many in the media are still coming to terms with the loss of our dddd, I’m inclined to agree with Michelle Malkin’s succinct summary of Desi’s demise: “Three words: Boo-freaking-hoo.” (Although technically that’s just one - expletive infixation - word. I can’t help myself, it’s in my hard drive.)

And even though dddd was one of Lady M’s nearest and dearest Chicago friends, I can assure you – she’s glad she’s gone too.

IMG_9732-thumb-500x375-4855One more word, and I’m going to smack that skinny b***h”

h/t DVR

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Addams Family: Washington Cast

Lady M, the wee Wons and Granny M continued to enjoy their Spring break in New York, and took in their second Broadway play in as many days. This time they saw The Addams Family.

addams460Meanwhile, Big Guy – who stayed behind for his victory laps – was busy signing his historic ObamaCare bill.

President Barack Obama's signature on the health insurance reform bill at the White House, March 23, 2010.  (Official White House Photo by Chuck Kennedy)

This official White House photograph is being made available only for publication by news organizations and/or for personal use printing by the subject(s) of the photograph. The photograph may not be manipulated in any way and may not be used in commercial or political materials, advertisements, emails, products, promotions that in any way suggests approval or endorsement of the President, the First Family, or the White House. 
Might there be a handwriting analyst in the house? Because I can’t tell for sure it that’s a big old butt, or a broken heart on the left. And the giant O, bifurcated by the little b? Would not touch that with a 10 foot pole.

But while all the girls were on Broadway, Big Guy was, coincidentally, entertaining the Washington cast of the creepy Addams Family.

dracula, cruila deville, uncle festus and batboy

Whiteboy, Batboy, Count Dracula, Uncle Fester and Cruella DeVille,


the undertakers,undertakers mini me mini-me,







joey…and everyone’s favorite Gaffe-meister, “it’s a big f---ing deal” Biden.

This Washington cast can’t sing, can’t dance and they’re all bad actors, but they love being on stage.I bet Lady M wishes she’d just hung around here to meet the cast rather that spending all that money in New York.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Michelle Obama: FLOTUS, Over-Achiever, Organic Gardener, Fashion Icon and Role Model

Or, as Cripes Suzette has trademarked her, World Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom.™ You know you are a bona fide icon when a cartoon show uses you as one – and not just any cartoon show: THE SIMPSONS! In case you missed Sunday night’s episode due to watching, instead, the dismantlement of our republic, vote by Democratic vote, here’s the money clip: Lady M appears as an icon of overachievement. And I don’t care who you are, that’s funny!

So here’s World Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom’s™   mentoring advice on how to become an icon:

  1. Get the MSM correspondents to broadcast your talking points for you; minimally once every news cycle. Ensure that each such product placement is done in a positive manner. chrissy

PHO-09Nov24-189907state dinner2009-04-01-NBC-NN-royalwel

2.Get as much personal face time on MSM televised shows as possible.Do not restrict yourself to “news” shows. Ensure that each such product placement is done in a positive manner.theviewfistbump

3.Get MSM to put your picture on the cover of their publications 20-40 times in a 52 week cycle, ensuring at all times that each product placement includes a positive cover story.michelleclear021009michelle-obama-time-2009

4. Get MSM to demonize any of your opponents or detractors.2009-11-17-sarahpalingoingrogueexcerptshuffingtonpostnewsweeks   

5. Wear distinctive, fashion forward clothes that others might think are too short, too tight, too tacky or otherwise just inappropriate. Michelle-Obama-la-meme-tenue-a-un-an-d-intervalle-!_mode_uneMichelle_Obama_at_Reception_For_Supreme_Court_Justice_Sonia_Sotomayor__Bluefly_blog_FlyPaper-400

Obama Awards Medal Honor Posthumously Soldier 3lg50_KAlYZl copenhagenjpg

6. Repeat steps 1 through 5 until icon status is achieved.

Come to think of it, you could win a presidential election with this formula too. Except for the tacky clothes part: replace that with dressing the wolf in sheep’s clothing and I think we’ve got ourselves a winner.


Monday, March 22, 2010

The ‘Ayes’ Have it

the eyes have it

Yes people, the ayes do indeed seem to have prevailed. And as they say, the eyes are the window to the soul. These are the eyes that delivered Obamacare to a nation graciously saying “no thank you, ma’am.”

But back to Nancy’s Betty Davis eyes: look into this soul: do you see what I see?

Of course you do. But we need to soldier on anyway.

Happy Palm Sunday, Nancy.I’m sure you will find time to go to Mass next Sunday to thank the good Lord for your victory over capitalism, self-reliance and liberty.

Sorry we couldn’t have you over tonight to celebrate with Big Guy and Lady M, but you  - of all people – know that the politics of the situation require that we hold our big celebration for later. Maybe Good Friday will work out for the big party.

But hey, Nan – you go ahead and have a snort or two tonight, you earned it. I can tell you that Big Guy is going to have a couple of lines snorts tonight too. Because he’s the president.

 bo's thumbs up

Meanwhile, as healthcare raged in D.C. Lady M and the girls flew off to New York to see the Broadway play, Memphis.alg_michelle_obama_ny broadway pigeon toed


It’s a musical about a young white disc jockey who falls in love with a black singer back in the 1950’s in segregated Memphis. It’s really about racism, bigotry and hate; so there’s that whole Karma thing again, because that’s just like people today who are opposed to Big Guy’s Obamacare. But thanks to Nancy, Rahmbo and, of course, Big Guy, we’ve managed to vanquish those haters. Happy days are here again. We’re all Nazis now. See? Big Guy really is the great uniter. Like George W. Bush, but way better.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

An Ego Too Big To Fail

Big Guy promised no celebrating until after the Senate passed the House “fixes” to his big historic Obamacare bill. What he meant was no public celebrating. Because the catering vans started arriving first thing this morning, and I haven’t seen this much caviar, foie gras and bubbly around here since Bill beat that impeachment rap.

And although BG says “This isn’t about me” every chance he gets, just between you and me: it’s about him. I can tell, since –as you know - I’m no ordinary mirror. In addition to my high quality reflective abilities, I’m also a precision NASA designed digital reimaging system, upgraded with the latest transformative software. So I see things that others don’t; specifically, I see what people THINK they see when they gaze at themselves in my reflection.



For example, do you remember the dress Lady M wore to the Nobel Peace Prize Prom? The lovely ice queen gown by  Azzedine Alaia?










This isn’t exactly what MO saw when she gazed into my looking glass. She saw her reflection as imagined by the designer - on Nicole Kidman:


image003 h/t Jenni M

What once was white is transformed to black, what once was long is transformed to short, what once hugged curvy body parts wrapped in heavy-duty Lycra now glides over a svelte body of perfect proportion. Dr. Sanity calls this sort of transformation denial, first cousin of delusion.

Here at Big White, we just call it  “Obama Magic.”

OBAMA/ Teleprompter Barry: looking at you, looking back at him. That’s you – the little people – in the background. Way, way far in the background.

Dr. Sanity calls this kind of reflection narcissism: no matter where he looks, Big Guy sees himself. So the bottom line is, whenever Big Guy says “It’s not about me,” it’s really all about him. If you get that part, you’ve pretty much got all there is to get.

So, we’ll be keeping the celebration low-key tonight. Just a few of our closest Chicago-Way friends and enforcers, who have proved once again that there is no vote that can’t be bought if the price is right. Because Big Guy’s the President. He’s too big to fail. Failure is for little people.

h/t for Teleprompter Barry via Gerard @ American Digest