Saturday, February 11, 2012

What Fresh Hell is This?

Whoa! Thursday and Friday were very busy days for the Won.

Big Guy got to do what he likes best: issue edicts, compromises accommodations and ultimatums.

eric bo who himRicky and the Won, issuing Edict #1

Edict #1: Waivers issued to mortgage holders who were screwed over in foreclosure by Big Banks: banks will now have to pay for their screw ups, Big Time. Big Guy’s “…standing up for the American people, holding those who broke the law accountable,” Score one for the OWieS.

bo just one thingArne and the Won, issuing Edict #2

Edict #2: Waivers from the No Child Left Behind (companion program to Lady M’s No Child’s Fat Behind – and nobody gets waivers from that) issued to states that agreed to kowtow to Arne’s education standards, instead of the dumb ones written by Congress. Score: Congress 0, Department of Education 1+1=3.

610xKathipotamus and the Won, issuing Edict #3

Edict#3: Waivers to religious organizations on contraception coverage. Well, not waivers exactly, butt they won’t have to pay for it. Well, not directly anyway. “All women will have access to these very, very important contraceptive services, and those employers that have religious objections don’t have to pay for it.” So, morality can be determined by who's picking up the tab? I’m sure that’s in the Bible somewhere. Score: Moral Relativity 1000, Conscience 0

Big Guy’s Solomon-esque “accommodation” should take care of “that conscience thing” that many of Nancy Pelosi’s fellow Catholics seem to have with the sanctity of life. Because as Winnie established eons ago, for people like Nancy, conscience can be assuaged as long as the price is right:

Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Socialite: My goodness, Mr. Churchill! Well, I suppose – we would have to discuss terms, naturally.
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Socialite: Mr. Churchill,
what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.

“The Kiss”

nancy 'the kiss'

"House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, a practicing Catholic and mother of five, strongly praised Obama for "showing leadership in a very unifying way," and 'for his ongoing commitment to women's health.'"


Just a little suggestion Nan: keep practicing.

So here is the point of this little morality play boys and girls: as long as you’re spending other people’s money you qualify for a morality waiver and therefore are free to check your conscience at the door.

Gates_of_Hell_RodinRodin’s Gates of Hell

I’ve always meant to read the Divine Comedy, butt perhaps I won’t have to bother now.


“What fresh hell is this?”

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Friday, February 10, 2012

Our Diptych Trip Tic

In case you’re wondering,  "Interlude" is a techno song by the heavy metal band Attack Attack! It's also become a halftime dance phenom at the University of Northern Iowa. Its beauty lies in the fact that it’s so simple even a stadium full of drunken college students can do it. So it was a natural for Lady M’s Let’s Move those fat behinds kick off.

I know what you’re thinking: How could Lady M ever top her own dance performance art as displayed below in this iconic triptych panel titled simply Lady M does the Dougie:

               upandawayAlice Deal Middle School for a Let's Move fitness eventvee vant to pump you up

Butt not so fast! With the Wons, past performance IS a guarantee of future results! So behold: you ain’t seen nothin’ yet! The Dougie is child’s play compared to the “Interlude” – performed live in Des Moines yesterday by Lady M and her fan club.

      mo's interlude Mo boogie nights

I’ve produced this very special Wells Fargo Stadium collection – which I fully expect will be available shortly along with our other Runway to Win offerings - as limited edition bath towels in several variations. I call the above “Interlude II.” It’s a simple diptych.

This is a companion piece titled “Interlude III” which is, obviously, a triptych:

     mo lookin like bill cosbymo mo movesmono

Each piece will be available separately in our WTF 2012 store, or - for a very limited time – purchased as a set. But wait! There’s more!! If you order immediately I’ll throw in a table runner printed with the entire collection in a classic pentaptych: “Interlude V”

Screenshot Studio capture #394

“Interlude V” will also be available for purchase separately, which might be your best value, as you get all 5 images, only much, much smaller.

Butt I better stop marketing and get back to my day job: we had two more stops (and because we’re royalty celebrity FLOTUS, two more wardrobe changes) after the “Let’s Move” anniversary fruit cake was presented at the Wells Fargo stadium in Des Moines.

mo fruit cakeFruit Cake. On the left.

The next stop on our Sticky and Sweet rock star revival tour was the Little Rock Air Force Base. Here we delivered the gospel of nutrition to our soldiers, who need to be saved from themselves. And…are you ready? We wore a suit! A nice, conservative grey suit with a longer jacket! And it fit, more or less. Goodness though, I must be getting old: I remember when that wouldn’t even be news.

        whoa momadonna

Lady M channeling her Madgesty, Madonna

We did dress the rather drab suit up a bit with a stylized red paper airplane pin on the lapel; in honor of our flyboys and girls.

red jet mo

She dialed the wardrobe choices down in order not to detract from the seriousness of her gospel message of healthy eating and nutrition:

umm umm ummOh boy! Broccoli! And salads! Now let’s go out there and fight fight fight the bad guys!!

BTW, did you notice that the price of ground beef is up 23% since last year? Which might surprise you, because the CPI number most commonly reported in the LSM remains very low.

January 19, 2012
On a seasonally adjusted basis, the Consumer Price Index for All Urban Consumers was unchanged in December, as it was in November. The index for all items less food and energy rose 0.1 percent in December after increasing 0.2 percent in November.

Only .1%. That doesn’t sound so bad. Of course, we’ve dropped food and energy from the index in order to make the “consumers price index” more useful, somehow. Since most people spend the bulk of their money on food and energy I guess maybe they just figured you would probably notice on your own, and didn’t need it reported officially.

Anyway, the sharp increase in meat has nothing whatsoever to do with Lady M’s gospel of eating more fresh fruits and vegetables -  they’ve all gone up on average 25%. No, Lady M ‘s preaching is real: she wants to save you from your own bad self:

mo lenoveggie pizza – umm, umm, umm

Any hoo – our day was still far from over. Back onto Air Force Won Too on our way to Texas and dinner at the local Olive Garden (proud supporter of Lady M’s No Childs Fat Behind program, and recipient of an Obamacare waiver) with local parents who have changed the way their families are eating. Presumably to get healthier; not because they can’t afford to eat the way they used to.

fort worth olive gardenmo nodocy's happy

Note: the same meal as the soldiers got, salad and bottled water. Combining our healthy eating program with our fiscal responsibility plan.

We changed into something more appropriate for dinner at an Olive Garden: a fuchsia mini-me sweater complimenting a coral and plum shell, boob belt, shiny black pants, our favorite pleather jacket and silk chiffon scarf. Good to go.

mo ft worth

You’ve no idea how hard it is to pack for these trips. While no one questioned the need for a shower and change after our Iowa “Interlude,” seriously, I think the suit might have been okay for dinner too. Butt Lady M takes these performances seriously, and wants to dress in a manner that demonstrates her commitment.

Besides, all the best divas change their costume between acts.


The Blonde Ambition Tour: Act I, Act II and Act III

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Sack Races and Chicken Faces: Fundamentally Transforming America

As you know, this month marks the historic Second Anniversary of the historical “No Child’s Fat Behind” initiative.

mo walmart1st historic anniversary celebration: Walmart caves, in return for Obamacare waivers

For our 2nd anniversary NBC was good enough to give Lady M face time on 3 of their big network programs to showcase her toned arms commitment to wiping out childhood obesity. In anticipation of the last big NBC event – a competition in the Big White with Jimmy Fallon -some were asking, “What would Jackie do?”   While I can’t say for sure, I feel confident  that her idea of a sack dress was slightly different from Lady M’s.

          jackie sack dressp-sack-race

We’ve already seen MO perform on Ellen and Jay’s shows, and Mommy Life captured the spirit of the latest tug-o-war in the Big White:

mo tug

I have managed to get you a special director’s cut of MO’s competition with Jimmy that tells the behind the scenes story of this historic event:

Butt today, we take to the road: Our anniversary victory tour will take us through a whole bunch of swing states. First stop: pork capital of the world, Des Moines, Iowa, where we’ll be encouraging people to eat more chicken. And arugula, now that they finally got a Whole Foods store in Iowa.

Lady M’s helpful healthy eating tips are really just common sense; like replacing processed foods with whole foods. For example, instead of school lunch programs serving these highly processed chicken nuggets that kids love:


try serving these whole, free range, chicken faces. The kids will get a kick out of them.


In Des Moines today we’ve bussed in 10,000 Fat Behinds to fill Wells Fargo stadium for the rally (note to attendees: you should plan on bringing a sack lunch as all concession stands will be closed during the event due to the high fat, salt and sugar content of their wares).

Then, it’s on to Little Rock Air Force Base, where we will announce our No Soldiers’ Fat Behinds effort.

Mrs. Obama will make the announcement, along with the Department of Defense, at the Little Rock Air Force Base, Ark., which has participated in a pilot program for the initiative. The initiative melds Mrs. Obama’s two signature policy goals as first lady – combating obesity and caring for military families. The Obama administration has cast childhood obesity as “a national security issue.”

Because soldiers, who are asked to give their lives for our liberty, are surely too preoccupied to be trusted to make healthy living choices on their own.

Obama Coffins

You’ll be surprised to hear that Jonathan Woodson, assistant minor functionary to the Secretary of Defense for health affairs, agrees with Lady M’s assessment that obesity is a national security challenge. That’s why she’s announcing today a change in “the menus at the 1,100 dining halls on military bases and make adjustments to vending machines, snack bars and other places where service members and their families buy food.”

It’s just Lady M’s way of taking a brick out of our military’s load. I’m sure they’ll all appreciate it.

michelle_1759808cEnjoy that steak, mister; it’s the last one you’ll see on this tour of duty.

We’ll be wrapping up the day in Fort Worth where Lady M will personally meet with some of the brave men and women who have actually implemented her recommendations in their family meals to hear how it’s going:

    hatred-1I will not eatihatevegetabvles


I think it’s going as well as can be expected

In a related story, the Atlantic reports on the brilliance behind Lady M’s initiatives, quoting from an article in the Nation:

In an effort to fit Michelle's role into a traditional profile, the media constantly reminds us that her work is on presumably soft subjects, primarily her hallmark cause to end childhood obesity.... Slurs aside, what critics miss is that this campaign is not aimed at soft targets.

The food and beverage industry is a powerful lobbying force, spending nearly $16.3 million in the 2008 cycle to defeat initiatives -- like a "soda tax" and limits on aggressive advertising aimed at kids -- that would encourage a healthier diet and thus cut into its massive profits.

To tackle childhood obesity, we'll have to confront complicated issues of race, class, entrenched corporate power, and access to healthy food.

And they didn’t even mention how our efforts are helping our SEIU friends! Talk about a two-fer: make Big Food submit to our will, while simultaneously scoring points with our union donors buddies!  Anyway, the Atlantic author summarizes rather succinctly exactly why this is anything butt a “soft” target for Lady M:

Childhood obesity is a focal point for issues of social justice.

Lest we forget: social justice is why the Wons took a demotion and came to Washington in the first place - to “fundamentally transform America.”



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Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Karl Loves the Wons


No not that Karl. I’m talking about Karl Lagerfeld – head designer at Chanel since 1983 and world famous fashion prostitute (“Just call me Karl Lablefeld”).  Apparently he’s a big fan of the Wons. Here are his comments on whether Big Guy "deserves" to be re-elected:

Yes he does, especially because of Mrs. Obama. I'm a big fan of Mrs. Obama – and her face, I think, is magical.


He would not be there without her. There was an article by some stupid woman, I forgot who,[!] and she said she [Mrs. Obama] was poorly dressed.[!!] Mrs. Obama is not a fashion statement,[!!!] she has other things to do.


…My favorite line of Mrs. Obama is when a journalist asked her if she thought her skirts were not too tight and she answered, "Why you don't like my big black ass?"

mo tree buttKarl appreciates a cheeky remark

This is a line I admire.

big buttKarl knows a good line when he sees it

She got me with that.

Yep. That line always gets to everyone. Oh, and for the record:

Kristina Schake, Director of Communications to First Lady Michelle Obama released a statement regarding Lagerfeld's comment saying, "Mrs. Obama never made that statement." 

Of course she didn’t. We never, ever, refer to, reflect on, or even mention Lady M’s “ass.” It speaks for itself.

Anyway, Karl has more to say:

So I want Mr. Obama who I think is very okay— because there is nothing better anyway — [to be re-elected], especially because of her."

We’re trying to decide how to use this important endorsement in our WTF campaign. Which do you like best?

bo-nothing better anyway-FINAL copy


bo-her-FINAL-WM copy

We’re also working on a series of “Reelect Obama: He’s very okay” posters.

Anyway, it’s clear that Karl Red heartus. We Red heartKarl too. Lady M is even considering using him as a poster child in her No Child’s Fat Behind campaign. Did you know that Karl once had issues with his weight?


Before and after the 90 pound weight loss: he doesn’t look as happy anymore.

He now follows a very strict diet regime that Lady M is so totally on board with: no carbs, no fat, no sugary beverages…in fact he refuses to eat any food that doesn’t come from Nobu! Coincidentally, Nobu is a Lady M fave too! In fact, the Reelect Barack Obama site is now selling the Nobu cookbook! Wow! Looks like Karl is teaching the Wons “how to make crony capitalism work for you.”

In fact, Karl has been one of our behind the scenes advisors for a while now. The campaign drew heavily on  his documentary “Karl Lagerfeld is Never Happy Anyway” in which the fashion world’s preeminent prostitute shared some of his secrets to his commercial success:

“I have no human feelings.”

iotw passion kiss

…and on his dietary success:

“I am a sort of vampire, taking the blood of other people.”


obama_mirror2-wm copy

You may see an empty suit, Karl sees a vampire

09n110215-pg-horizontalI think Karl gets us. He really, really gets us.

And while we can count on Karl’s support, it doesn’t look like we can count on his vote, since  a) he’s not a U.S. citizen (not necessarily a non-starter), and b) he doesn’t believe in voting:

I never voted in my life. I will never vote. I know too much about politics from what’s going on backstage. To vote you have to believe all that garbage that they promise you, and they can’t keep those promises. If someone gave me an Obama pin, I would just put it on.

3_teddy_1851038aOr maybe I’ll let my Karl Lagerfeld mini-me Teddy Bear wear it.

No time to cover it today, butt tomorrow: an update on Lady M’s Second Anniversary of her historic “Let’s Move” campaign.

Screenshot Studio capture #390Potato sack races in the Big White: It’s historic

H/T Gerard and RP

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