Friday, January 15, 2010

No Good Crisis Goes to Waste

Well, I must say Lady M is showing a real flare for this crisis management assignment. Before doing anything else, she found a way to blame Bush.

U.S. President Barack Obama (4th L) makes remarks about the devastation caused by the earthquake in Haiti at the White House in Washington, January 14, 2010. REUTERS/Jim Young

President Barack Obama pledged $100 million for Haiti quake relief on Thursday and enlisted former U.S. presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton to help raise more, vowing to the Haitian people: "You will not be forsaken.” (like the brothers in New Orleans)

ajack

Immediately following our standard 72 hour delayed reaction to disasters, we sprung into action. The good news is that the Haitian earthquake is beginning to look like a crisis that we can use to our advantage.  The bad news is that MO has called in Ezekiel Emanuel and Jack Kevorkian to set up her humanitarian aid operation.

As I understand it so far, in order to contain costs and provide health care for all Haitians, Zeke and Dr. Jack are going down to set up triage operations to determine who will receive medical treatment and who will just be given a pain pill.

This is really critical, since it will be the first big test of our health care system. You might be thinking that it’s really the second test – the swine flu pandemic being the first, but that didn’t count. We inherited that from our predecessor (Bush).

acorn8

Not that we’re condoning this natural disaster in any way, but it will serve as a good opportunity to try out our Obamacare on people who can’t actually vote next November – unless they’re really, really happy with the outcomes.  In that case, we’ll be opening a satellite ACORN office in Port au Prince. They’ll probably be needing help since a lot of Haitians will have already expired and therefore won’t be able to vote in the traditional manner. Am I about to step off a precipice here? I better back away, because if I fall and get broken, that’s 7 years of bad luck.  Three more is bad enough.

 

michelle_obama_kitchenMO has the Big White chefs cook up some healthy snacks for our Haitian Relief Fund. They will feed the hungry, and use up all our toxic veggies.

Swinging Into Action

This is clearly a disaster of biblical proportions, and Big Guy has been huddling with the deciders to see if he should make an appearance to give an inspiration big read. At first they thought it would be too dangerous, too toxic, but now it looks like they’re giving Big Guy the go ahead. No, not Haiti, we’re going to Massachusetts.

Yeah, it looks like old Martha is going to need someone who walks on water to pull her to the surface if she’s going to stand a chance of winning the senate seat of the last guy who came to the surface to win.

Can you believe it? That Scott Brown is beating the pants off Marty all of a sudden. He is dreamy, but with that “R” after his name, this is a real puzzler. He’s raising money like nobody’s business, and lengthening his lead by the hour. And this, even though we’ve sent in ACORN and the SEIU purple gang (I’m going to have to speak to Michael about wearing that purple sweater under the suit coat: not a good look. And it sends the wrong message).

CoakleyFundraiser_img_assist_custom-640x427This incident where Michael Meehan knocked down a reporter from the non-supportive press who was asking embarrassing questions is a bit discomfiting. Especially given that Big Guy just nominated Mikey to serve on the Broadcasting Board of Governors. You know, the agency that oversees our news operations like Radio Free Europe and Voice of America? Big Guy appreciates irony – probably more than most people – but still, this might not play well at Mikey’s senate hearings.

Anyway, here’s how we’re splitting up the chores around the Big White this week so nobody get’s too overloaded and cranky:  Big Guy’s handling the domestic disasters, which leaves natural foreign disasters to Lady M. She started by asking the American people for money. That pretty much seems to be the opening salvo for all of the O’s big plans.

mo do 2Lady M’s public service announcement for Haitian aid 

MO’s called a strategy session in the war room, and we’re swinging into action. I’ve just got a bad feeling about this.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Steamed Vegetables

You’ve probably heard by now about our non-disclosure agreement being breeched. Apparently someone from our Hollywood crew of body-double vegetables used on the “Iron Chef White House” show leaked the story. We should have known that would happen, they’re really just a bunch of fruits.

Fruit Of The Loom

It’s not as if we were trying to hide anything about our toxic vegetables (look great on the outside, but toxic to the core). I believe I provided a full disclosure way last July when I explained that we inherited this mess from a previous administration – just like the rest of the problems around here. It wasn’t our fault that we couldn’t deliver on the organic veggies that we promised to produce. It’s really no different than Social Security, Medicare, or (coming soon) universal health care. So I don’t really see why this is such a big deal; it’s not as if there’s a law against lying in government programs.

But things are getting a little ugly. Apparently that holier-than-thou organic crowd is suing us for breech of contract! What a bunch of sour grapes.

Big Guy turned the whole matter over to Eric Holder, so I can’t say much more since he slapped us with a gag order.

I don’t know who’s representing this batch of rotten tomatoes, but I’d suggest they withdraw the suit, like pronto. Have they been under a cabbage leaf for the past year and a half? Just for the record, losers, we’ve already won Battle White House: twice.

And so what if the second big win required us – just like in Iowa - to bus in our own squash, eggplants and sweet potatoes from out of town?

Honestly, what part of “Chicago Rules” don’t they get?

akidveg 

h/t American Digest

Get Your Red Guard On

Here’s the best our Big White photographer could come up with from yesterday’s performance review with the press:

michelle_obama_300cap

Since you can’t see the lovely above-knee brown suede Jimmy Choo boots MO was wearing with this lovely russet dress, you kind of miss the full effect. When seen together, you really get the full impact of the kinder, gentler Red Guard look that Lady M is going for here. The complete ensemble says “Cultural Revolution, 2010”. Without the boots, it just says “fashionably fabulous”.

And I’m sure you all agree that the new ’do is not only flattering, but fashion forward: who would’ve ever thought of a bob! I’ve noticed from comments in the previous post that there’s a lot of interest in MO’s new ’do. We’ve been dealing with hair issues almost as long as we’ve been here in the Big White. Way back in July we were having fun with MO’s hair. Remember “I Don’t Want to Hear Any More About the MOB in the White House”?, followed by “Let Your Hair Down, Girl”? She really had us going last summer, but this time it’s for real: we are now completely committed to the new Michelle Obama Bob (MOB). I think the MOB will take us to places we never even dreamed of.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Acting Stupidly To Rave Reviews

I got back to the Big White just in time to prepare myself and Lady M for our annual performance review. I think it went rather well.

Lady M invited a select team of reporters over today to chat about the historic first year in the Big White. The short version: MO announced that she sees no need for any do-over's from her and Big Guy’s first year. For the occasion Lady M wore a do-over: “a favorite russet-red dress and over-the-knee Jimmy Choo suede boots that she confessed allow her to avoid wearing stockings.It’s probably just me, because I’ve never worn boots or stockings, but it just doesn’t seem as though boots would be more comfortable than a pair of those leggy thingies that the other FLOTUS used to wear.

I’d show you a picture of the red dress and Jimmy Choo’s, but the keeper of the official Big White flickr photo stream wants a do over. Apparently he missed my refractions, and let’s just say his performance evaluation is coming up too. I’ll get you a copy as soon as he touches it up.

Mo adopted a positive attitude about the past year for the Big White review. She set the tone right at the start, saying she and BO did everything perfectly and therefore she saw no need for any make-overs. After all, there really isn’t very much left to make over, is there?

Make over the banks, check.

Make over the Autos, check.

Make over the list of who can take Air Force One out for a victory lap, check.

Make over the Big White grounds into a mini-farm and petting zoo, check.

Make over terrorism into “man caused disasters,” check.

Make over security clearances at State functions, check (shout out to Desiree for that one).

Make over health care, check.

Make over the hairdo, check.

I hope this doesn’t effect my performance review, but I could suggest just a few teensy-weenzy things where a do-over might be in order:

 

kennedy_funeral

The black Madonna look for the papal audience

 

 

 

 

 

 

ammo belt

Ammo belts with anything,ever

 

 

 

market day Sweaters that don’t cover the keister

 medal_of_honor_Jared_Monti_thumb[6] Cocktail dresses at a medal of honors award ceremony

pitts way back Sundresses EVER

six toes

The use of “short shorts” and FLOTUS in the same sentence

 

 

tablecloth Grandma’s table cloth anywhere other than a picnic table

But the reporters weren’t that interested in make-overs, they  wanted to know if Lady M wanted an apology from Harry Reid because of his acting stupidly. She very graciously said "Harry Reid has no need to apologize to me. Because I know Harry Reid. I measure people more so on what they do, rather than the things that they say." Boy, Big Guy is very lucky the rest of the country doesn’t feel that way, or his approval ratings would probably look just like poor old Harry’s do. (note: there are no demerits for improper syntax/grammar, as long as you went to Princeton and Harvard.)

So our performance review, conducted by the hand selected reporters from the supportive media, went really well (and if you don’t believe me, just check Goggle). Lady M gave herself an A-, and the reporters kicked it up to a solid A+, in recognition of the fact that her “great-great-great grandmother was actually a slave.” White guilt is still a potent force around this town: it still has the power to make people act stupidly.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Finally: Back to Black

Well this is not good. Lady M was supposed to be under wraps (figure of speech) till this weekend. That’s one of the reasons they decided to send me to the Rocky Mountains for my super-secret training mission with the 10th Mountain Division. More on that later,

But then, poor old grandma Biden bit it (She was the only one who could get Joey to put a plug in it. We’re going to miss her around here, may she rest in peace.) and the O’s had to attend the funeral. Fortunately the hair grooming re-hab had already gotten underway. 

a hair

But I felt bad about not being there to do something about those damn boots.

a hair2jpg

Oh well, at least she got my tweets about wearing black, skipping the cheerful turquoise coat, and holding the waist noose. All in all, I’m pretty relieved. We don’t need any more big flaps around the Big White about the proper use of black.

Anyway, I’ve finally been cleared by security (my BW credentials didn’t prevent a pat down) and I’m flying back to the Big White now. Because once we’ve re-emerged in public we’re probably going to be all over the place again.

That’s fine with me, I’ve pretty much had it with this global warming deep freeze. I know it’s cold back in D.C. but here in my super-secret location in the Rocky Mountains, thermostats start at freezing and go down from there. I was originally dispatched to this frigid outpost to learn how to snowboard. After the Secret Service saw how easily I picked up surfing in Hawaii, they decided I would be a natural on a snowboard too. It was simply precautionary training. There is a rumor that Lady M and the girls might consider a ski vacation over Spring break, and they wanted as many trained agents along side them on the slope as possible.

I was certainly game, but I had no idea how cold it can get when you actually emerge from the Beltway bubble. I think I did pretty well – heck, it is just like surfing only instead of Mai Tai’s you get shots of Jaegermeister when you’re done. (For the record, I prefer Mai Tai’s).

So I don’t really know if there’s a ski trip in the O’s future, but in case there is I’m prepared. And a good thing because this year’s fashion forward ski gear apparently includes tightly waisted down jackets and (horrors!) stretch pants. Lady M will  need me by her side constantly. I’m sure you can see how this look could go nuclear in no time:

ski ski1-185x_269710a

And that’s not even the worst of it. You should see the apr├Ęs ski fashions. I’m going to tell Lady M how cold and miserable skiing is, and hope she opts for another tropical island for Spring break. Bare arms and sandals I’m familiar with.

Monday, January 11, 2010

It’s Not Really Complicated

I think I can tell you a little bit more about my super-secret cross-country assignment tomorrow. Until then, I thought I would pass this little gem along. I’m not even sure why this is news, but I guess the MSM were having withdrawal symptoms since Lady M went underground after the Hawaiian holiday. So they dredged this story up about one of the O’s biggest fans. Honestly, the O’s have so many groupies it’s hard to keep them straight. But some of them are so huge you just can’t help but notice. Take Meryl Streep for example. In my book she’s really a bit old to be anyone’s groupie, but aside from that, the obsequious fawning and gushing definitely throws her into the qualifying round.

The 60-year-old actress can usually maintain her composure when she meets other actors she respects but admits she was in awe of Obama - America's first black President - and his wife, First Lady Michelle Obama.

She said: "I went to the Whitehouse and was star-struck by our President and First Lady. Although I was also impressed by Bruce Springsteen, who was there as well."

Streep - who can currently be seen in new romantic comedy 'It's Complicated' opposite Alec Baldwin - is fully behind President Obama and believes he is more than capable of making the right political choices for the US.

Meryl Streep in awe of Obama      Meryl Streep, in awe of the Obamas (and Bruce Springsteen)

She added: "I think it's thrilling to have someone who is thoughtful and can articulate, with a certain amount of passion and dispassion, the necessary choices that we have in the world."

Did you catch that? “passion and dispassion”?  No wonder she’s in awe of the Big Guy; they talk alike. I’ve noticed that a lot of our groupies seem to belong to that mutual admiration society.

And I think you can tell from the pictures why Meryl’s such a fan of Lady M’s:

Michelle_Barack_Obama_host_Medal_of_Honor_Ceremony_Bluefly_blog_FlyPaper-via_Mrs_O-400

Of course, the fact that Meryl’s publicist is a good friend of another publicist who may or may not be working in the Big White, and the possibility that Meryl’s “latest movie, “It’s Complicated”, may or may not be doing as well has they’d hoped had nothing to do with this puff piece.

We’re just doing our part to kick-start the economy. And everyone knows that Hollywood is the backbone of our economy. So, why don’t you all go out and buy a ticket to see a movie? I hear “It’s Complicated” is great!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

When Snarks Attack 3 Winner

This weeks Golden Flotus Award goes to … AnnieCarmel! Congratulations! What? Oh yeah, chiron actually got a few more votes:

SNARK ATTACK OF THE WEEK - 3 (Poll Closed)

1. AnnieCarmel:…snakes in human form”   24%

2. chiron: " …And no Menorah? No, no, no, six glow sticks, a flashlight & a lava lamp"  45%

3. bettyann:  "I'm burning all my cardigans. Right now." …  10%

4. CricketGal:  "...and he's wearing GLOVES!..."  7%

5. bettyann: "Watchout Rahmbo, for "Feats of Strength", my money's on the Wookie."  13%

You probably thought, as did I, that we were about to have our first historic double winner in chiron. But just as I was going “to press” from my undisclosed location on the road, I received a tweet from Toes, and another from Ax-man, saying that we were going to employ full Chicago rules this week. Apparently they had just received a bag of absentee ballots (all cast for AnnieC) from the Chicago Acorn office. So those votes aren’t reflected in the final tally from our official polling unit yet. But if anyone wants to review the results, they’re all stashed in a bag behind my little desk in the back of Lady M’s closet, along with the hanging chads.

And please, let’s not have an unsightly replay of that nasty business with Algore. Nobody stole the election.  I’ve been advised that it was all bought and paid for through normal channels.

In some of the previous administrations I’ve been honored to serve in, this sort of thing probably would not have been tolerated. But that’s because they never really grasped the wisdom of Obamanomics: Sometimes, you’ve just got to spread the wealth around.

So congratulations AnnieC! Don’t let the circumstances surrounding your win spoil it for you. And chiron, congratulations to you too. In Obama-nation, being number 2 is often just as good as being number 1,3, 4 or 5.

“…snakes in human form”

anniecarmel golden flotus

So thanks to all of you for participating in our contest by voting the Chicago way. And thanks to the other candidates too, for submitting your losing comments. 

(Oh and by the way – for the sake of full disclosure – I voted for AnnieC. Twice.)

And I Thought Nebraska Was the “N” Word

Well, here I am on the road in the heartland.

Merry_Christmas_1024

I sure wish I was flying. It’s so fricken cold here that my lenses are constantly icing up, which makes it impossible for me to use my magical powers to deflect reality into something softer and more palatable. Maybe that’s why all these people in fly-over are such stubborn realists. Anyway, it’s a good thing Lady M is back at the Big White. I don’t think she’d like the way she would appear in this part of the world.

232x277  

And speaking of the BW: I’ve been tweeting TOTUS and he reports that they are all wee-weed up about Harry Reid’s latest kerfuffle. Apparently he’s been quoted in someone’s new book predicting that Big Guy could win the Presidential election because he was “light-skinned”  and didn’t speak with a “Negro dialect.” I’m not sure what all the fuss is about, Toes, Ax-man and Oz suspected it all along and it turns out they were right.

But Toes and everyone else at the BW are just relieved. Finally, something juicy to get the Fruit of Ka-boom bomber off the front page, and give the wags something to talk about other than Big Guy’s response (and lack there-of).

harry r

So thanks Harry, you have proven yourself a loyal Ohadist in our new State Religion of Peace. You will be rewarded not only for this selfless act of career suicide, but also for detonating your own career implosion by  delivering our health care takeover plan.

You will be enshrined in the official Reid Hall of Fame: so far there’s Richard Reid, the shoe-bomber and now Harry: the N-word bomber. In addition, as the first official martyr, you will receive your 72 sheckles, to be used in exchange for the prize of your choice at a future date, plus a giclee copy of the soon to be released painting of the Obama Icon.

o savior