Saturday, February 21, 2015

Funny Or Die? Every vote matters.

I was going through my mailbag yesterday to see what I missed when I ran across this promo from last week:

Screenshot Studio capture #2023

My first thought was, “You’ve never been to my website, have you Nick?”

Butt even though I’ve  no idea who Billy on the Street is and never heard of Ariana Grande, I decided to play along - because they obviously don’t know who I am either.

So, I watched it, the entire, tortuous 12 minutes 35 seconds. All I can say is entertainment isn’t what it used to be, butt then, what is? With that in mind, I’m sharing Nick’s exciting FLOTUS-Big Bird episode as a Public Service Announcement to remind everyone what happens when you abandon all standards of decorum. I mean, what’s next – FLOTUS doing interviews while eating Fruit Loops out of a bathtub full of milk?


Anyway, I remind you that you needn’t watch the whole video - in fact I doubt you can even if you want to – in order to vote; because informed voting is so racist. My recommendation is to skip ahead at several minute intervals just long enough to get a flavor for how moronic Imbecilic inane bizarre the segment is.

Also, be sure to tune in tomorrow when I reveal the episode’s accompanying new recommended Dietary Guidelines. They are from the much anticipated Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee’s  (DGAC)  571-page report of recommendations to fundamentally “transform Amerika’s food system.” If you thought this segment of “Funny or Die”  was funny, wait till you see the sequel!



And don’t forget to vote: your opinion counts! As often as you want it to because in Amerika these days, Chicago rules are in play.

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and Free Republic, Thanks!

Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network and RedState

Friday, February 20, 2015

From Foggy Bottom to Foggy Top

I would let up on the Marie Harf harfing, butt the news just came in that we’re breaking up the old JayVee team; Jen has been promoted to Varsity and will be moving up from her Foggy Bottom assignment to be Big Guy’s personal communications assistant over at Foggy Top.

no psaki ingNo more Psakiing at State! We’re moving up!

This should be fun: Now we’re going to get Psakied while simultaneously being Grubered.


Unfortunately I’ve learned that Marie Harf will NOT be moving up to the top job at State. Some claim it’s due to this thesis she wrote in college:

State Department spokeswoman Marie Harf wrote her college honors thesis on “how conservative evangelical support for Israel complicates U.S. foreign policy,” according to Indiana University records.

Personally I don’t see how anything can complicate a non-existent U.S. foreign policy, butt then I don’t have a prestigious degree like Marie.

However others claim she’s being passed over because, well, her trial balloon failed to launch:

A State Department insider says Psaki's deputy, Marie Harf, will not be promoted to the top job following disastrous performances this week. Harf's high-profile media appearances were a 'test run,' the official said, 'and she failed spectacularly'

Come on! That’s not fair! It’s not like she created the “jobs for jihadis” pitch herself – somebody else did that for her.

I know you’ve got a lot of balloons here, butt I don’t know; they all seem a little underinflated…and black.

And seriously? Do you think anybody could have made that pitch without getting laughed off the stage? - Oh wait; Obama:

The president reprised many of the themes he outlined in a speech to conference participants Wednesday afternoon, including the need to lift up moderate Muslim voices on social media and elsewhere and provide economic and political opportunities to disaffected citizens.

I meant anyone else?

Butt alright then: let’s review what we learned yesterday:

  • You can Gruber America as long as you use the proper “nuance” (generally acquired only through an Ivy League education) and enough hot air.

image_american-gothicAmerican Gothic: Psakied and Grubered

  • The best way to tamp down {{Islamic}} extremism is with one little four letter word – jobs: J-O-B-S.

joey 10 fingersCreepy Joey, performing Common Core Math tricks, without a net

  • And if we really want to fix things in the Middle East we’re probably going to have to throw in education, social justice, and some infrastructure with high-speed trains and internet off ramps so they can enjoy social media like the rest of the world.

What is true is that when millions of people, especially you are impoverished and have no hope for the future, when corruption inflicts daily humiliation on people, when there are no outlets by which people can express their concerns, resentment festers. The risk of instability grows. Where young people have no education they are more vulnerable to conspiracy theories and radical ideas.”

Now then, let’s get back to the important stuff: finding a replacement for Jen as top spox-mouth at the State Department; may I suggest an appropriate replacement? Someone who’s trained and ready to hit the ground running?  Joey B, of course, he’s good at running interference:

bo and joey

He thinks really fast on his feet, and is pretty good with nuance. As a bonus, he’s pretty good with the ladies, which is sure to impress Angela and the Saudis.


Yep, I think we’ve found the perfect replacement for Jen.


Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and Free Republic, Thanks!

Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network and RedState

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Our Trial Balloon Crashed Because You Morons Are Too Stupid To Get It

Generally when a trial balloon is launched to “test the waters” and it doesn’t float  - so to speak - that’s the end of it. For example, take that balloon that we Harfed up on Monday: “if only the yutes could find jobs they’d stop beheading all the infidels,” – it was sort of laughed out of the sky.

clown_balloonI guess you could technically say this is “floating”

Butt that didn’t stop our intrepid team:

State Department spokeswoman Marie Harf, after coming under fire for suggesting a way to fight the Islamic State and all terrorism is by creating jobs, has an answer for her critics: Her argument is just "too nuanced" for them to understand.

So here’s the best “nuance” I can put on this State Department trial balloon: it didn’t plummet, it just descended far more quickly than anticipated.


So Big Guy needed to pump a little more air into it before sending it soaring over the heads of the attendees at the White House Summit on Countering Violent Extremism:

pooh_and_balloonThe weather’s good, butt watch out for the bees up there!

Wearing his best community organizer demeanor, Barry wowed the friendly crowd with insights like this:

"No religion is responsible for terrorism — people are responsible for violence and terrorism,"

I don’t suppose that same sort of “nuanced” thinking could be applied to guns?

guns-don-amp-039-t-kill-people_o_1646947Naaah, I didn’t think so.

The professor-in-chief then shared his astute take on all the troubles in the world, noting that there’s a strain of thought in the Muslim world that:

…does buy into the notion that the Muslim world has suffered historical grievances  -- sometimes that's accurate -- does buy into the belief that so many of the ills in the Middle East flow from a history of colonialism or conspiracy; does buy into the idea that Islam is incompatible with modernity or tolerance, or that it's been polluted by Western values. 

Concepts that Barry himself embraces, so he sounded uncharacteristically sincere. And then he re-launched the re-inflated “we have to address the economic problems” balloon, where it wafted over everyone’s head:

In fighting extremism, Obama said the United States and allies must also address the economic and political "grievances" that often fuel violent ideology. Governments must work to help provide economic opportunity, education, democracy, and the rule of law to their citizens, he said.

That said, Obama warned that "engagement with communities can't be a cover for surveillance," and governments should deal with vulnerable people "through the prism of law enforcement."

The nation must stay true to its heritage of tolerance and diversity and not target specific religious groups. – USA Today


So there you have it; like we saw yesterday, terrorists just want a good job, free community college and common sense gun control. Along with all the protections of the democratic rule of law, until such time as they can replace it with Sharia law.

So I think we can all agree: Big Guy’s got a pretty good grasp on that whole Islamo-fascist – can I say that? – problem. All we need is a little more hot air to keep all these balloons aloft.


Hey! Can I get an air pump over here! Stat!


Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and Free Republic, Thanks!

Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network and RedState

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

ISIS: They’re Just Like You and Me


“We cannot kill our way out of this war. We need in the medium to longer term to go after the root causes that leads people to join these groups, whether it’s lack of opportunity for jobs…”

So you see, ISIS wants – in no particular order – exactly  what Americans want:

  • Good jobs and a living wage ($15/hour)

wageBecause every vote counts

  • Free community college tuition

remediation in collegeBecause somebody has to flip burgers for $15/hour (and every vote counts)

  • Common sense gun control

Al-Shabaab-Militants_0Who can’t support common sense measures?

  • An end to the Republicans’ War on Women

christian-women-sex-slaves-iraq Except it’s okay to keep the sex slaves,right?

  • Abortion rights

2014081646Because infanticide is so last century

  • Free condoms

Obama 2012So you won’t be punished with a baby, or something.

  • Gay marriage

islamist throwing gay man off buildingGay marriage tradition in Yemen: throwing the “groom” from the roof

gay man thrown from buildingAs well as the “bride”

Of course there are those who see things differently than our Ms. Harf. Here, for example, is a contrary opinion of what ISIS really wants (h/t Doug Ross) which presents something quite strange - the truth. From, of all places, the Atlantic, a bastion of contemporary liberal thought.

But pretending that it isn’t actually a religious, millenarian group, with theology that must be understood to be combatted, has already led the United States to underestimate it and back foolish schemes to counter it.

(Haykel) regards the claim that the Islamic State has distorted the texts of Islam as preposterous, sustainable only through willful ignorance. “People want to absolve Islam,” he said. “It’s this ‘Islam is a religion of peace’ mantra. As if there is such a thing as ‘Islam’! It’s what Muslims do, and how they interpret their texts.”

Hmmm; I guess there is one thing that ISIS wants that most Americans don’t:

Death-to-AmericaSo, are we all on board with that?

barbie harfiowahawk on harfing

And it’s not selling shoes:

harfingH/T Twitchy

So how about this, sweet stuff? How about you take your little girl shoes back to the sorority house


and send us somebody who can put her big girl shoes on and kick some ISIS butt.



hairball.2jpg[harf, harf] Doesn’t everyone get hairballs?

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and Free Republic, Thanks!

Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network and RedState

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

“Who Dealt This Mess Anyway?”

Who dealt this mess, anyway?
Yea, it's an old card player's term,
but sometimes you can use the old switcheroo and it can be applied to ...
Frontal politics -
 Wide, Wide River; The Fugs (1968)


There’s no reason you should be familiar with the Fugs unless you’re a conservator of semi-popular rock protest bands from the ‘60’s. Butt when I heard that Democratic Representatives Sander Levin (D-MI), Jim McDermott (D-WA), and Lloyd Doggett (D-TX) were demanding relief From Obamacare Penalties for their constituents because they were likely to get hit with a huge “tax” penalty in – horrors! – a presidential ELECTION YEAR, well the Fugs song was the first thing that jumped into my head: “Who dealt this mess, anyway?”

According to the AP report, the three congressional Democrats who are now saying that the millions of Americans facing new tax penalties “deserve a second chance” are the same Democrats who “worked to help steer Obama's law through rancorous congressional debates from 2009-2010.” So to answer the question “who dealt this mess?” – they did.

Lloyd Doggett mcdermott Rangel levinDoggett, Levin, Rangel, McDermott, and all their Democrat cohorts: thanks boys!

As is the habit with liberals however, they do not wish to be held accountable for the fallout from passing such an onerous law. So now they’re whining that they need another exemption from the very law they passed because they didn’t realize just how “taxing” (h/t John Roberts) the penalty for failing to enroll in the mandatory Obamacare program by the February 15, 2015 deadline would be:

…the uninsured will all be hit with a $325 fine or two percent of their income (whichever is higher) for failure to enroll in 2015. In 2016, the Obamacare tax penalty will be an average $1,100…


Ouch!  So the good Representatives are now begging Big Guy to whip out his legislative pen, rewrite that intolerable Obamacare law - that somebody voted for - again and cut their valued voters constituents a break. And it looks like Big Guy will deliver:

The Department of Health and Human Services has extended the 2015 Obamacare deadline for select customers stuck in the system, after reports some people were met with website delays and phone call backlogs when trying to sign up.

“We know many of you worked hard to enroll in a plan through the Health Insurance Marketplace,” a statement read on the blog. “Despite your best efforts, you may not have been able to complete your application and select a plan.”

According to HHS, the special enrollment period will start on February 16, 2015, and end on February 22, 2015, in time for healthcare coverage on March 1.

No word yet if not signing up because of “sticker shock” will qualify as a “despite your best efforts, you may not have been able to complete your application and select a plan,” butt I suspect it will. After all, we’re talking about an election year.

cb955e98e74551bbc9b1023c2b1191f7 “ I have not been able to complete my application and select a plan. Did you see how much it cost!!”

And I wonder what we’ll do next, when all of our millennial voters find out just exactly how lousy the plan they were forced to buy is (“Insured, but Not Covered”).

hope postercolbert-truthinessObamacare: Truthiness in advertising

And that my friends, reminds me of a song…

The Fugs - Wide, Wide River

River of sh*it,
River of sh*t,
Flow on, flow on, river of sh*t,
Right from my toes,
On up to my nose,
Flow on, flow on, river of sh*t.
I've been swimming In this river of sh*t,
More than 20 years, and I'm getting tired of it,
Don't like swimming, hope it'll soon run dry,
Got to go on swimming, cause I don't want to die. 

Who dealt this mess, anyway?
Yea, it's an old card player's term,
but sometimes you can use the old switcheroo and it can be applied to ...
Frontal politics
What I mean is ... 

buzz14“Thanks Obama!”

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and Free Republic, Thanks!

Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network and RedState

Monday, February 16, 2015

If it’s President’s Day, this must be Aspen – home of the rich and famous

I know somebody asked about the annual ski-trip the other day, butt I was not at liberty to discuss it, as it is not officially happening. Unfortunately, some jerk on Instagram blew our cover:


And Fire Andrea Mitchell ran with it, in a not-so-respectable way:

Michelle Obama decided to get a vacation to Aspen this weekend for a ski trip with the spoiled kids. Palm Springs apparently was’t good enough for Michelle Obama where her hubby Barry Soetoro is fundraising and golfing. Reports about Michelle Obama’s trip to Aspen this year have been almost non-existent. But there were some who snapped some pictures and posted to Instagram and twitter. Here is one photo of Michelle Obama and the spoiled kids arrived on Air Force Two in Aspen.

And then, yesterday, another jerk from South Africa, driving on the wrong side of the road, caused an accident that completely inconvenienced Lady M and the girls on their way to ski – it’s not all that easy to drive your motorcade around an accident on mountain roads you know.

Yeah, yeah, don’t worry, nobody was seriously injured and the South African was not ticketed for driving on the wrong side of the road, which can only mean he’s black or rich, or both. ‘Cuz that’s how we role in Obama’s Amerika.

Other than that, the fifth annual ski trip to the Rockies for the Obama gals went without a hitch: which is to say there was a complete media blackout. Except of course for my annual shot of our Lady of the Snow, disguised as a local peasant, barreling down the hill:

michelle-obama-skiing-vail-aspen-michelles-mirror-sad-hill-newsYes, that’s me following along on my snowboard, as usual, “bringing up the rear.”

We will have to settle for extracts from last year’s coverage:

I can report that we’ve taken a few tumbles this year, only one of which triggered an avalanche:

Sunday, February 15, 2015

America’s Greatest Fear: Keeping Up With the Jones

You can tell this is an in-depth story because it’s got an article next to the chart.” – Calvin

Well this article explains everything


Thank you, Pew Research Centre, butt allow me to provide some independent commentary:

First of all, I do not see either “Global Warming” or the equally ill-defined “Climate Change” at the top of anybody’s list. Gaia is not going to be happy. Thank goodness for Asia: at least some people haven’t forgotten that we’re all going to die.

Secondly, “Inequality” – really? The number one fear in United States and Europe? Ahead of economic collapse under the weight of trillions of dollars/Euros in bad debts? Ahead of being the primary target of Islamic terrorism’s jihad? Ahead of our governments growing more tyrannical by the day?

We are to believe that Americans greatest fear is captured by the war on women, McDonald’s not paying burger flippers $15/hour, Walmart not unionizing and Warren Buffet not paying his secretary as much as he does himself? Not that people from Africa, the Middle East and “Latin America” are streaming across our porous borders bringing disease, jihad and illegal job hunters, voters and welfare recipients?

This really is a First World problem.

Third, I’m calling Bullsh*t on Latin America’s number one fear. I simply don’t believe that nuclear weapons are the greatest concern of people who can’t even buy toilet paper.

Fourth, I find it curious that two previous British Dominions, Canada and Australia, seem to have adopted the millennial mantra of “no worries.”

And finally, I’m a bit concerned about the current state of geography education. Unless I’m mistaken, the United States is not a continent; likewise, neither are “Latin America” and the “Middle East.” And while Australia is a continent, as we discussed previously they simply don’t appear to have anything to worry about. I suspect that’s due to their vineyard per capita ratio.

roos_in_vineyardRoos in the Vineyards – that could be a concern, couldn’t it?

Personally, my biggest fear is the government-media complex. Their propaganda program has proved so effective that we’re now regurgitating the fear that they’ve proliferated so effectively.

calvin news shows_thumb[2]

And that, my friend, is a true First World problem.

thomas_jefferson_quote_on_liberty_and_tyranny_poster-r3a4a93690b204ce1adef58f5578cd229_w2q_8byvr_512 (1)

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and Free Republic, Thanks!

Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network and RedState