Saturday, July 16, 2011

Celebutards from 50 of Our 57 States: Part 1

So I don’t know about you, butt I need a weekend break from hope and change and CalConservGirl gave me an idea yesterday. I haven’t done a celebutard review in many moons (no Lady M keister pun intended). As luck would have it, UPI, which I think stands for United Panderers International, put together a slide show tour of Celebrities representing 50 of our 57 states. I won’t take them to task for the racist elimination of 7 whole states, butt I do have issues with some of the Celebutards they picked.

I’m going to have to break this into multiple installments though because even 50 states is too much for one post. Butt it will be worth waiting for, I promise (unless you’re from one of the 7 states UPI missed). So let’s begin with our first installment. I’m doing it alphabetically in order to appear to be fair and balanced, and in order to avoid showing favoritism to any of our union brothers “favored nation” status states.



Evander Holyfield: Five time Heavy Weight Champion of the World, with the added distinction of defeating Mike Tyson in an 11th round TKO! My kind of guy! Narrowly edged out the second place Alabama celebrity duo of Goober & Gomer Pyle.



Valerie Plame: I know who you were expecting, butt Sean Penn didn’t star in her movie.



Emma Stone was their choice, butt a good argument can be made for the meteorically rising star of celebrity boob, Mehgan McCain,


butt the election is over and Obama won.



Mike Huckabee: This is bound to be a controversial pick. To get to the Huckster, UPI had to pass over none other than the Big Dawg himself, Bill Clinton! Not to mention Billy Bob Thornton and Johnny Cash! I’m glad I don’t have to answer their customer service lines. “I fell in to a burning ring of fire…I went down, down and the flames grew higher. And it burns, burns, the ring of fire, the ring of fire.”



Jessica Alba: This was a no win situation. California is, as CalConservgal knows, the epicenter of celebutardism. It’s like being in a great restaurant where the menu has a gazillion pages and everything is to die for! I usually just order a burger with American cheese, fries and a vanilla shake. I think that’s what UPI did too.


06-co-amy adams

Amy Adams: Let’s note from the start that Colorado is a swing state that can help us WTF. So you’re not going to bait me into any gratuitous criticism. At least not until after the 2012 election returns are in. Amy is sweet, pretty and Drop Dead Gorgeous. There were other Coloradoans that could have been chosen. Tops among them Alferd G. “Alfie” Packer. I’m sure most of you know Alfie’s story, butt in case you don’t. Alfie was a miner who, in February of 1874, headed up into the Rocky Mountains above Montrose (the city, not the band) with 5 other miners bound for Gunnison. They became HOPElessly lost and snowbound. In April, Alfie arrived at a saloon near Gunnison, alone and actually having gained weight after his winter of desolation. An investigation followed, and the bones, licked clean, of Alfie’s 5 fellow travelers were discovered.

Alfie was convicted of cannibalism and legend has it that at his sentencing, before sending him to the hoosegow for 40 years, the judge reportedly said “Alfie, in January there was seven good Democrats in Hinsdale County and you et five of ‘em.” Alfie was pardoned in 1901 and lived out his days on a ranch in Deer Creek, CO where, he reportedly, became a vegetarian.

Later, in the 1990s, an enterprising entrepreneur, opened a short lived bar and grill in Dillon, Co, not far from Breckenridge, named “Alfie Packer’s.” The specialty of the house was “Miner’s Stew.”



Chole Sevigny: I don’t need to tell you why Chloe got the CT pick do I? I do? Hmmmm? You have seen the Brown Bunny (absolutely no relation to any of our Bunnies), haven’t you? No? Me neither. I understand she took the Brown Bunny role after being passed over for a spot on the Big White intern roster.



David Plouffe: Seriously? Plouff-Daddy must have a much better agent than Joey B. Still, I expect repercussions.



Mickey Rourke: I actually approve of this pick, although I don’t understand why Florida gets him, because he was born in Schenectady, NY. Butt I guess they had somebody else in mind for NY. Guess who! Wait for it: it’s coming up.

Say what you will about Mickey, butt he was undefeated as a light heavyweight with a record of 6 wins (KO 4) + 0 losses + 2 drawns, boxing 24 rounds with a 50% knock out rate.


Name: Mickey Rourke
Alias: El Marielito
Birth Name: Philip Andre Rourke, Jr.
Born: 1952-09-16
Nationality: US American
Hometown: Schenectady, New York
Boxing Record: click
Stance: Orthodox  [ed. I didn’t even know he was Jewish!]
Height: 5′ 11″   /   180cm

I think he could have given Alabama’s Evander Holyfield a run for his money, butt his face tells you who would have won…I’m talking about the face after the botched cosmetic surgery. When will they ever learn?



Jeff Foxworthy: No complaints here, butt I’m not from Georgia. Are any of you? Not sure? Well then, you might be from Georgia if...



Barry Soetoro: No surprises here except he was picked twice, once by Hawaii and once by one of our 7 international states, Kenya.



Christina Hendricks: Born in Twin Falls Idaho...Twin Falls... Bwaahahahahahahahahah!

Maybe someday, butt not yet. As they say, you can’t make this stuff up.



Cindy Crawford: I’m sorry; who????

“Born in DeKalb, Illinois, Cindy Crawford began her journey from obscurity to ubiquity after a reporter snapped a picture of her working at a summer job when she was 16. She graduated from high school as valedictorian, but dropped out of Northwestern University to pursue modeling.”

Little Ms. Mensa  “U” drop-out  doesn’t even have a BA!? Nor a law degree from a prestigious ivy league university, let alone a law license that she could “voluntarily” surrender to the court to avoid prosecution! What a blatantly racist pick! Ok, picking Orca would have been even more racist (see Mississippi).



Tony Stewart: Ok, what did you expect; it’s Hoosier-ville! WTF is a hoosier anyway? Butt, shhhh: don’t tell anybody. I  love NASCAR! Several of my cousins are Donnelly mirrors and reflect on the big races.



Elijah Wood: This one caught me by surprise. I thought we’d heard the last of him after Nike dropped his endorsement deal and he couldn’t even make the cut in several minor tournaments.

What? Oh... Never mind. Elijah – great actor!  Or penguin. I’m really not sure.



Kirstie Alley: I love Kirstie, butt this was a blatant gift to make up for her second place finish on Dancing With the Stars. When you think about it, why not one of the more deserving Kansarians like Harry Truman, Walt Disney, Amelia Earhart, Jesse James, Satchel Paige, or Dorothy Gale! Ok, not Dorothy, because she knows who the guy behind the curtain is, and that would not set well with Big Guy…or the guy behind the curtain.

And now that she’s no longer “Kirstie Alley fat” she qualifies because she no longer takes the place of two contestants.



George Clooney: Did any body else know that Sir Hunkasaurus was from flyover country, or am I the only one who’s been holed up in a bunker since 1-20-2009? Ok, I live a somewhat sheltered life, butt I would have bet the farm (proof positive) that George was raised in one of our sophisticated megalopolises, like NYC or LA. I guess that explains “Brother, Where Art Thou?”. Other than that, nothing about Kentucky breeding explains his politics.  Unless he was bred purely for looks.



Harry Connick Jr: No better pick for the Big Easy than Harry. I love the Neville brothers and I’ve still got half of a jar of Marie Laveau’s goofer dust, butt Harry was the right pick here. Anybody disagree? Remember, I’ve still got half ‘a jar of goofer dust. And I’m not afraid to use it on James Carville.



John O'Hurley: Ok, I admit, I was never a fan of Seinfeld. I know I’m in the minority, butt being a minority is really advantageous these days, I should probably  try to milk my minority status while it’s still fashionable. And, I just couldn’t bring myself to watch the Family Feud after they dumped that cute-as-a-button Corporal Peter Newkirk.

Butt I guess O’Hurley was judged to be more deserving than some of Maine’s other celebrities, like Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Bush 41, John Travolta or “expert at everything about living” and convicted felon, Martha Stewart. Although technically she has a home in Maine, Martha-matching-sweater-set-and-tea-cozy is from Nutely, New Jersey, which just seems right somehow.



Sisqo: Full disclosure: I’m a big user of his network appliances,  catalyst switches and routers. Wait a minute, Raj is trying to tell me something. Yeah, Yeah.  Uh-huh. Oh!  “Cisco.” OK. Never mind.

Lady M has his “Thong Song” on her iPod, butt I am sooo not down with that.



Geena Davis: Virginia Elizabeth “Geena” Davis didn’t win this role because she is an accomplished, award winning actress, former model or Olympic archery finalist.


She didn’t win because, at the age of 46, she wisely, and strategically, married a plastic surgeon. No, she won the spot for nailing her roll as a historic Commander in Chief. Something her real-life historic successor is still struggling with.



Michael Moore: Michigan is the ancestral home and alleged birth state of my BBB, Dewey from Detroit. So, forgive me if I spend a wee bit more time than usual reviewing the Michigan celebrities UPI passed over in choosing this moronic tub of jelly donut blubber. This is the most embarrassing slap in the Michigander face since, well I don’t think there has ever been anything in this league before. The contenders Michael Moore-donuts beat out include, in alphabetical order:

Tim “The Tool Man” Allen, Gillian Anderson, Bob Bell: What, you’ve never heard of Bob Bell? He was the first and only original:

bozoBozo the Clown!

Ok, picking Bobby might have taken a bit of the “historic” sheen away from our current clown holding the title, so let’s move on.

Elizabeth Berkley, Sandra Bernhardt, Salvatore Phillip “Sonny” Bono, Tom “The Hunkiest, Hottest & Greatest Football Player Of All Time...All Time” Brady, Christie Brinkley, Vincent Damon Furnier (aka Alice Cooper), Francis Ford Coppola  (Why, UPI, do you disrespect me in this way?), Jeff Daniels, Pam “Mindy” Dawber, Dick "Oh, my!" Enberg, Eminem, Bob Eubanks, President Gerald R. Ford, Henry Ford, “The Queen of Soul” Aretha Franklin, Glen Frey, Max “Wojo” Gail, Kirk “Gibby” Gibson, Barry “Motown” Gordy Jr., Charlton Heston, Jimmy “Sleeps Wid Da Fishes” Hoffa, Ervin “Magic” Johnson, James Earl “Come Over To The Dark Side” Jones, Casey Kasem, Kid Rock, Charles A. Lindbergh, Malcolm “Big Guy’s Bio-dad” X, Jamie “Mythbuster” Hyneman, Madonna, Lee Majors, Dick Martin, Judge Greg Mathis, Ed McMahon, Tim “The Ladies Man” Meadows, Harry “Detective Bill Gannon” Morgan, ALL THE MOTOWN STARS, Ted “The Motor City Mad Man” Nugent, Rosa Parks, George Peppard Jr., Iggy Pop, Gilda Radner, Sugar Ray Robinson, Della Reese, William “Smokey” Robinson, Diana Ross, Steven Seagal, Bob Seger, Tom Selleck, Del Shannon, Sinbad, Tom  Sizemore, Tom Skerritt, David “Buh-Bye Now” Spade, Danny Thomas, Lily Tomlin, Verne “Mini-Me” Troyer, Uncle Kracker, James “Ginger Ale” Vernor, Robert Wagner, Robin Williams, Serena Williams (more on Serena coming soon!), Stevie Wonder, Dick “The Only Real Darrin “Dagwood” Stephens” York and many, many more!

So, I guess UPI had no real choice. Butt what does the fat-ball think of his selection?

michaelmooreWell put big, big guy



Rachael Leigh Cook: Give me a minute. I’m still steaming over that last pick.

Ok, Rachael Leigh Cook: She’s pretty, although she’s not Swedish, Norwegian or German. I guess this was a way to tactfully avoid having to give an attractive Gopher State candidate for higher office - if you know who I mean - any more free publicity.

Butt RLC is pretty too and her picture has graced many products, including  the cover of the Milk-Bone Dog Biscuit box!

rlcook-leaves copyNo, not this picture. This picture was in...oh, never mind. She won, and she’s way prettier than Garrison Keillor.



Oprah Winfrey: Ouch! This one’s going to leave a mark! Not on me, butt on the racists at UPI. Why would they stir the pot of hatred by picking this woman, at this time without picking Lady M for Illinois? I’ll tell you…it’s because they are racists! And they haven’t heard the last of this!

mo's july oprah cover copy

I know this is a digression, butt I couldn’t help butt notice the article: “Dr. Oz’s 5-step plan for a perfect checkup.” So is that the objective? Just passing the tests? Maybe the Atlanta school board should hire Dr. Oz.



Ginger Rogers: What a sweetie! I love this pick, although I’m not in love with the picture they chose. Why pick one with that self-hatin’ perv, Woody Allen? Weiner-gate has blown over. Sorry, I promise, read my lips, no more Weiner jokes.

I would have used a picture like this:


or this:


Maybe they thought Woody made Ginger seem more relevant, seeing as how she was just a dancer. And Woody is a big Hollywood producer who married his own daughter. I still don’t get it.



Michelle Williams: I have to admit, I had to do a hard drive search on this little number because I never watched Dawson’s Creek or Brokeback Mountain. Anyhoo, the real surprise here is that they picked a girl who ran for the US Senate as an R-word. Twice! I guess they waived that disqualifier because she lost both times and they want to be fair and balanced.

Michelle did win this title, beating some serious contenders including: Gary Cooper, Myrna Loy, Martha Raye, George Montgomery, Peter Fonda, Dana Carvey, Chet “Good Night David” Huntley, Brent Musburger, George Winston, Evel Knievel and Theodore “Unabomber” Kacynski. Ted was disqualified on the basis of his ideological kinship to Obama-buddy and ghostwriter of Big Guy’s best selling book, Bill “Boom-Boom” Ayers.



Gabrielle Union: Gabby’s contributions to reduce the cost and improve the quality and availability of medical care in America swept her into this title without breaking a sweat. No, she’s not a doctor, butt she played one on the TeeVee. Don’t take this the wrong way: I love Gabby, butt I’m a little bummed out that they didn’t pair up Cornhusker Fred Astaire with Ginger for this dance. Butt I guess it was time for another minority selection.



Andre Agassi: Frankly, I didn’t think anyone was actually born in Vegas, baby, butt Lady Luck certainly shined down on ol’ Andre. I think he’s looking more and more like Dr. Evil every day, don’t you?

New Hampshire


Adam Sandler: Now he’s funny, I don’t care who you are! Great pick for the Granite State, Adam managed to overcome his baggage to carry the ball across the finish line. Oh, I mean, the goal line. What baggage you ask? Well let’s start with he’s Jewish, butt not self-hating. How do I know? He’s  a registered R-word. Registered R-word! In his line of work! Live Free or Die, baby!

New Jersey


Michael Douglas: Dis one’s gonna’ trow all youse youses inta a tizzy! My-kal-frikkin-dug-luss? Git da “F” otta here!

Wud abot Mike Da Sit-u-a-shun? Or cud-dul  lu-hee, Snooki?

UPI? Wat iz dat any way? U-nited  Pekker Im-bah-suls?

Watt you lookin’ at?

I guess Martha Stewart is off the table. Wut?

New Mexico


Neil Patrick Harris: Doogie Howser, MD was a cinch to score the Land of Enchantment title. not only for his TeeVee contributions to ramming Obamacare up your passing Obamacare, butt for inventing lady M’s favorite dance. The only negative here is he’s not really Mexican, new or old.

New York

Ok, you’ve been very patient, so here it is:


Lady Gaga: This was in the stars! Lady Gaga blew both Weiners, Big & Little Tony, out of the competition ( I know I promised, butt I’m a politician!) and sent Client # 9 to the cold showers. Anybody who, in just one season, arrives in an egg and performs in a wheelchair prop is all Big Apple! Without even checking her DNA, I would not hesitate to confirm that she was born this way.

I can’t decide between the egg and the lobster.

And I believe on that note, we will have “a pause in the action” (a phrase coined by deceased Red Wing Player and play-by-play announcer, Sid Able, more years ago than you want to count. He’s not on the Michigan list of overlooked candidates because he was actually from Timmons, Ontario – north of the bear line.)

We’ll pick up with North Carolina next Sunday, unless there’s a really slow news day in between now and then.  Have a nice Sunday everyone, and try not to worry too much about the debt ceiling. The Bernanke has already signaled that his printing presses have been tuned up and we ordered several palettes of India ink. So we’re ready to roll in case the R-words actually have a spine and stand their ground.

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on DougRoss@Journal, and Death By 1000 Papercuts, and  MichelleIndependent on Newsbird, Thanks!

Obama: Magic Butt No Mathemagician

Welcome RIGHTNETWORK & Hot Air readers and Big Hugs, ♥s and Thanks to Doug Ross@Journal and Larwyn’s Linx and Hot Air’s Key West Reader!

I think we all know by now that numbers are not exactly el Numero Uno’s strong suit.

bo numero uno

Heck, even the words that he and TOTUS are so well known for trip him up on occasion. Butt numbers – well, it’s like they’re just out to get him. Like that 57 state deal, the 10,000 people allegedly killed in Kansas, and the time he entered the wrong year in the Queen’s guest book.


It’s really not that big of a deal, think of it as a sort of numeric dyslexia. Unfortunately, it appears to be contagious since the House, Senate and the CBO all caught it when they were putting the cost of Obamacare together.

Like the real dyslexia, once you recognize what you’re dealing with, it can be overcome. Butt nobody around here, especially in our supportive media, wants to accuse the smartest man ever to be President of the United States of having a…ahem, numerical abnormality.

So that’s why, when he claimed yesterday that 80% of the public was behind him on increasing taxes, nobody asked, “uh, Mr. President, what poll, exactly, are you citing, sir?”

“The American people are sold,” President Obama said.

“The American people are sold, I just want to repeat that.”

Yeah, I’m not sure I would actually point that out though. I think the American people do know they’ve been sold. Along with their children, their children’s children, and their children’s children’s children. I can’t say for sure butt I have a feeling that’s one of the things that’s upsetting Big Guy’s apple cart.

“You have 80% of the American people who support a balanced approach. 80% of the American people support an approach that includes revenues and includes cuts. So the notion that somehow the American people aren’t sold is not the problem. The problem is members of Congress are dug in ideologically.”

Now I don’t want to act as a myth buster here, butt you can’t get 80% of the American people to agree on anything. Even the weather. When it’s raining.

mem day

So to claim that 80% of you agree that more taxes are a good idea doesn’t even pass the smell test. Our most reliably biased pollster couldn’t even muster up numbers to support that. Even over sampling (more than usual) the 47% of Democrats who pay no income taxes at all didn’t quite get us there.

So I think what our numerically-dyslexic Numero Uno meant to say was that 80% of you think we’re spending too much for what we’re getting. Which would explain why we’re seeing a lot more of this lately:

Screenshot Studio capture #136

Mug shots from yesterday’s presser

Screenshot Studio capture #137

And a lot less of this:

bo smile finally

And when we do see that magical smile these days, it looks a little, well, forced.

college green dublinBig Guy reacts to analysis of his claim that 80% of you have been “sold” on tax increases

Only 32% prefer a balance between spending cuts and tax increases, which added to the bottom option would still tilt the public far more in favor of spending cuts, 50/43.  Among independents — the most non-ideological group possible in this survey — it’s 51/41, a wider split. This is hardly a public that is “sold, sold!” on tax hikes.

And that’s just in the Gallup poll.  Two months ago, The Hill conducted its own poll that showed opposition to tax hikes  at 45%, with only 13% favoring an even split between tax hikes and spending cuts to solve the deficit problem, with another 11% supporting a 2/1 split for spending cuts to tax hikes, and 15% for a 3/1 split.  Even under the most liberal (pun intended) definition of “balanced,” only 39% in that poll opted for the idea.

Big Guy really hates it when facts rain on his parade.

morton salt girl“It’s not raining, I tell you. It’s just summer in Washington. You know, when everyone gets all wee-weed up?”

Friday, July 15, 2011

Man Child in Manorexia

Wow! Yesterday’s daily from across the pond published 2 articles that so totally covered our waterfront!

First, there’s this insightful piece on "manorexia" being on the rise. Apparently  “experts  believe the obsession to achieve the toned figure of male models has led to higher rates of eating disorders among men.”

manorexicWhoa! Nice rib cage, fella! That’s a finely toned bod.

Frankly, I think they’re underestimating the role of drugs in this equation, butt either way, it’s clear they don’t eat right. In fairness though, I don’t think you can blame models for what is clearly a sheeple problem. You know, giving up your individual right to think and choose in favor of groupthink?


Groupthink occurs when individuals acquiesce to the wisdom of some perceived authority (e.g.  the media) and abandon their critical evaluation skills, often in order to reach consensus.  Don’t get me wrong: Big Guy is a big fan of consensus. In fact, he’s demanded that Congress reach one regarding the debt ceiling/budget “issue” soon, so he can move on. Butt he’s beside himself, because up till now, when he demanded something, he got it. This time there seems to be some push back from those uppity Congressional R-words, especially Eric the Cantor. Probably because they’re racists.

Is it any wonder then, that he hasn’t been eating right? With peons challenging his authority as leader of the free world?



Get that man a burger, fries and a shake!

Butt just for a reality check, do any of you think these are sexually attractive men? I mean, to women.


Because apparently the rest of the sheeple world does. If you do too, I’m thinking I need to get updates for my aesthetic filters, because these dudes would definitely have been auto-deleted in any scan tagged “sexually attractive men.”

Next, we had the article on a rise in female “burnout” – an article about women who push themselves so hard on the job and at home that they literally have a breakdown. The author concludes it’s because women always put others needs ahead of themselves, hence not allowing enough “me time.”

I won’t sugar coat this: I think Lady M could fall prey to this syndrome. She’s always sacrificin’ for the country, and taking care of everyone’s needs around the Big White.  And I’ve seen some signs of the disorder that were mentioned in the article.

Poor eating habits:

fatballs“Butt Mommy, I don’t like fat balls”

Letting their hair go:


Not paying any attention to their clothing:


Flying off the handle:


Maybe we should look at carving out little more “me time.” I’ll see if I can get us in for a weekend spa appointment. We don’t need any more melt downs around here.

bigguyat mof honor


It’s bad enough that Big Guy’s so testy we can no longer ask him questions.

First Obama stomps out on the meeting yesterday because Cantor kept asking Obama questions, and now the entire White House press corps has to go into time out for the same reason. This may be the most thin-skinned President since Richard Nixon.

I always get nervous when I hear Nixon’s name mentioned in the same sentence as Big Guy. And seriously: “the most thin-skinned President since Nixon”? I don’t think Dick ever had any hissy-fits in public.