Saturday, August 15, 2009

Recycling, Obama Style

I don’t think you have to make such a big deal about Lady M wearing the same dress twice. After all, we are in the middle of a recession, that we inherited from that hateful previous administration that shall remain nameless – oh what the heck! – it’s George W. Bush’s recession!

But as I was saying, a lot of really important people are reduced to wearing the same thing twice in these difficult times. But that’s beside the point. The real reason MO sported that foxy red Michael Kors number was to show the world that there’s nothing to that baby bump rumor.

Of course, we had to practice first and I needed to attach my trans-imaging booster drive.  I think we pulled it off quite nicely though, what do you think?

michelle recycle 1

Besides, here at the Big White, we’re really into recycling. Take Big Guy, for instance: he’s totally recycling everything from socialism to Marxism. And making it sound fresh and  new! We’ve even adopted a new slogan and poster to support our efforts:


trash poster   

I think we’re going to be putting it on all future White House correspondence and press releases. Feel free to adopt it for your own use as well.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

It’s Good To Be King (and Queen)

Honestly, can you believe all this blathering going on about Lady M’s staff size and payroll? All of a sudden it’s as hot a topic as the discussions about euthanizing granny down at the town hall’s.

Come on. In the scheme of things are 24 staffers at a payroll of $1.6 million a year that big of a deal? I mean, Obama-care alone is going to be trillions of dollars, this is totally going to get lost in the rounding.

Besides, there are a few things all you smarty-pants bloggers out there don’t know: first of all, these are all important administrative positions: people who deal with facts, schedules, speeches… stuff to make MO sound smart. The 24 does not include the positions that make her look sharp, overlooked but equally important jobs.

Since that’s primarily my responsibility, the buck does stop here. So to speak. Please note: I don’t get paid a dime. I was born to the noblesse oblige tradition, and feel it’s an honor to serve our first family (although I wouldn’t mind a night off every now and again.) Of course, to give Lady M a little boost before I spin my magic, she does have a 24/7 staff of hair,nail and makeup specialists. They’re not counted in the 24, as they aren’t, strictly speaking, administrative: more ministerial.

And remember, Lady M gave up a big time $350k a year “public service” job to move here with BO and the girls. And she had just gotten a 200% salary increase after Big Guy won the senate seat, so don’t tell me she didn’t sacrifice plenty to take this gig. Do you think she’d still be wearing JCrew sweaters if she had kept either that hospital job or her big time corporate law firm job? Don’t be silly, we’d be wrapped up in ZILLI vicuna cashmere, head to foot.


And besides, having been a public servant herself, Lady M knows how indispensable they can be. Take her, for example. When she left her VP of Community Relations job at the University of Chicago Hospitals to come here to do the work of the American people, they couldn’t find anyone to take her place. So they eliminated the job.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Dog Days in D.C.

Well, the dog days of summer are definitely upon us, and boy, there are tell-tale signs all over the place. Not even my mighty powers of trans-imaging and refraction can change this madness.

First, there’s all the booing and jeering going on at BO’s foot soldiers’ town hall meetings.  Some smart ass even wrote a sarcastic column saying hurtful things like this:

If Obama has his way, his health care plan will be funded by his Treasury chief who did not pay his taxes, overseen by his Surgeon General who is obese, signed by a president who smokes and financed by a country that is just about broke. What possibly could go wrong?

Things were getting so hot that the big dog himself had to go off to do a “controlled” townie in New Hampshire (of all places) to smooth things over.  And by all accounts it went well. And by all accounts, I mean ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, and MSNBC.  They’ve reported that BO handled the pre-selected crowd beautifully and even managed to pull off one of those loaves and fishes things he’s so good at.

Anyway, besides that whole hubbub, there’s this annoying little gnat over at the phony Examiner blog site that keeps stoking the “Lady M is pregnant” rumor mill. Now I understand he’s even whispering that John Edwards is the father. Listen, if MO was pregnant, I’d be the first to know. We’d be spending all day trying on stretchy baby-bump hot tops and bottoms. And that’s not happening. We’re still working on the bikini quantum-imaging for the big Vineyard’s soirĂ©e.

And speaking of that, MO’s a little concerned that all this hoopla over health care might interfere with the family vacation plans. She’s definitely not  keen on the thought of angry mobs showing up at the shore. I mean what do you wear to a right-wing protest anyway?

I’m in charge of getting the summer reading list together, but so far Mo’s nixed anything about dieting (doesn’t need), fashion (doesn’t need) protocol (doesn’t need), and anything by anyone who’s ever appeared on a FOX news show. That leaves us with Saul Alinsky’s Rules For Radicals- still on Amazon’s top 100, thanks to MO and BO! Inherent Vice by Thomas Pynchon and Tom Clancy’s Op-Center: Mirror Image. If you have any other suggestions, please let me know.

rules for rads

I actually ordered a few hundred copies of Saul’s book, to hand out as favors.


Sunday, August 9, 2009

Grand Canyon: Sweet

Well I just heard about our little jaunt out west next weekend. It sure would be nice if someone could give me a little more notice on these out-of-the-beltway trips. For one thing, it takes awhile to adjust all of my internal nano-opticals to compensate for the refraction of the direct overhead solar light we will be experiencing in the Grand Canyon. And the geysers at Yellowstone will require an additional de-humidifying sensor.

And lord knows what MO will be packing for such hot weather fun. I’m just hoping she’s not going with the halter tops again, because honestly, they can be challenging. And after the burger, fries and shake stop on Thursday and the Gelato stop yesterday, well, I’m just saying…

Not that I’m particularly thrilled about going out west, but it does present some interesting professional challenges. For example, I’ve never  been required to trans-image a real cow before.

And making Lady M look more awesome than the Grand Canyon? That, my friend, if I can pull it off, might just land me in Hollywood.  My cousin Madge, who works as a trans-imaging add-on for a lot of big time studio cameras (she’s worked on shoots of Sarah Jessica Parker, Jessica Simpson, Cameron Diaz and, recently, Sharon Stone) gave me a couple of boiler-plate contracts to bring along, just in case.