Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Star of India has Arrived

It’s hard to believe we left only 3 wardrobe changes ago. It feels like we’ve been in India forever.

For our departure we wore our new Shar Pei raincoat to go with Big Guy’s new Shar Pei face.

sharpei raincoat

The Shar Pei collection

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We departed in a wonderful comfy travel dress, complete with our favorite early November flight footwear, sky high suede boots:

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Then after a little shut-eye enroute, changed into our elegant silk sari inspired arrival gown:

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…tie died silk, a row of covered buttons, lovely pearls and silver shoes. This is what Ikram thought colonialists wear in India. I guess it actually does look like something the Queen might wear.

The Daily Mirror (the other one) described this look like this: “Never one to shy away from a statement fashion trend, Michelle accessorised with a bold pearl necklace, and completed the look with mirror-shiny silver court shoes.”  I think by “court” they meant royal, but never-the-less, I find the term “mirror-shiny” a bit offensive.

We wore the silk-ensem to the Gandhi Museum where BO and MO left these comments for posterity:

ghandi That’s the best you can do with 300 speech writers?

Later we went dancing with underprivileged kids, and showed them how to MOOve in order to prevent them from getting fat behinds. Which doesn’t look to be much of a problem here in Mumbai:

article-1327192-0BEFF8AE000005DC-874_306x524 Barefoot and casual: I think this look would have benefited from a  cross-cultural boob-belt. 

Butt so far so good on our India vacay: no unusual gastro-intestinal disturbances – butt then that’s what our staff of 200 chefs and tasters are for.

I also snapped some great shots of Big Guy jamming with some of the local musicians. He’s really let his hair down, which is good after all the stress of the those nasty elections. I’ll be posting them a bit later, right now I think I’ll have a spot of tea with some of that special Louis XIII Cognac stocked special for the Wons. I’m feeling a bit woozy, and maybe that will help.

Friday, November 5, 2010

We Lost #1, Butt We’ll Always Have Uranus

As if the bitch-slapping we got from the ungrateful electorate on Tuesday wasn’t bad enough, Forbes just knocked Big Guy off the Numero Uno perch on it’s Most Powerful Person in the World list. You won’t believe this, butt Steve Forbes actually thinks that Hu “Who?” Jintao is the “most powerful person on Earth.” Forbes totally ignored the list of the Most Powerful People on Pluto and Uranus, where Big Guy has been deemed #1 for life.

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Big Guy bows to the most powerful person on Earth

Ok, so maybe bowing to the little Chi-Com sent the wrong message. We were simply acknowledging – and grudgingly admiring - the power he wields over his own citizens. We sure as hell weren’t bowing to him as if he was one of our betters: we have no betters, and besides, he’s Chinese.

Butt rubbing salt in the wound, Forbes goes on to explain that the people are placed on the list based on their ability to “bend the world to their will.”  Forbes justifies this libelous move by gushing that Who? “(is a) Paramount political leader of more people than anyone else on the planet; exercises near dictatorial control over 1.3 billion people, one-fifth of world's population ... Unlike Western counterparts, Hu can divert rivers, build cities, jail dissidents and censor Internet without meddling from pesky bureaucrats, courts."

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Hey, we could divert rivers too, if we wanted to!

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STOP, you’re killing us!

It’s not like Big Guy has been totally on vacation or playing golf for the past 22 months. Well, ok, we’ve recreated a few times just to take the edge off.

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Butt Steve, bubbie, are you not aware of the economic take overs we have rammed up America’s collective butts without the meddling of bureaucrats and courts?

Maybe we haven’t  diverted any rivers, butt we got an irrigation ditch supplying water to Mendota, CA shutdown, throwing all 10,000 Latino residents into the unemployment line so we could save a smelt. Has Who? done that?

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And we haven’t slammed Blago into the hoosegow, butt not because we’re afraid we’ll end up in the cell next door. And besides, he’s not so much a dissident as a friend with secrets.

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If there’s any consolation in the list it is that we kicked Puti-Put’s Ruskie ass, figuratively, and left the Pope in our dust. Butt, we’re not comfortable with some of the other members of the “Top 10”:

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  1. Hu Jintao
    1. Who?
  2. Big Guy
  3. King Abdullah Bla bla bla
    1. OK, he’s Royal
  4. Puti-Put
    1. No Comment
  5. The Pope
    1. Cool hats
  6. Angie Merkel
    1. Chick
  7. David Cameron
    1. Metrosexual
  8. Ben “Ben-Bern” Bernanke
    1. One of Big Guy’s small people
  9. Sonia Gandhi
    1. Chick
  10. Bill Gates
    1. Greedy Capitalist pig

Clearly, the list is devalued since it has chicks and small people in the Top 10, not to mention Big Guy not on top.

We had high HOPEs for Forbes after they wisely chose Lady M to head their “Most Powerful Woman” list, kicking Fancy Nancy’s Frisco caboose. Butt the temptation to pile on Big Guy was too much after our Tuesday spanking.

michelle-obama-biceps-flex

Well, Steve, you picked Who? and stuck it to Obama. The only thing left to say is you’re going to regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

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And remember, he’ll always have Uranus

Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Day After the Day After

Presser-ing on:

presser 

Well, we got that unpleasant task behind us. Lady M refused to come out of her room, claiming she still has one of her “sick headaches” – we all know what that means. Big Guy looked a little worse for the wear at the presser too:

what have we here

Whew! We’ve got our Shar Pei face on today. That’s as close to humility as we get.

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pouty puss

I think perhaps prunes for breakfast for the next few days would be in order, and then everything will be back to normal. Butt we’ve only got till Friday, because I don’t think they have prunes on the Indian sub- continent.

So after doing his best humble pie act (which I don’t think is quite ready for prime time.) We’re just packin’ up and gettin’ out of town. And I’m tired of hearing about the $200-million-a-day price tag that’s been floating around the blogoshere. Let me make this perfectly clear: this is before the bar tab and includes the dangerous coconut removal plan reported on by Daizie yesterday.

Take a peak at what Indian Hotels have on tap for the Wons: the 40 year Glenlivet.

dt_glenlivet_1970_49 40 year old Glenlivet?!! How does anyone keep it around that long?

So big deal, it’s 10 days, on $200 million a day, or put another way: $2 billion. And, as a bonus, we’re saving oodles of Benjamins by cramming this vacation important diplomatic mission in before Ben-Bern fires up the money machine with our Quantitative Easing of the Fed’s printing presses (Spelled differently,  i-n-f-l-a-t-i-o-n).

Butt keep in mind, this is an unprecedented, historic, trip – when was the last time a FLOTUS (or even a POTUS) went all the way to India to visit sex workers?

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What? Don’t we have enough sex workers around here? And if you include the pimps, they nearly outnumber the Republicans in this town.

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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Post Election Blues (and Reds)

As P.J. said, “This was not an election, it was a restraining order.” And I guess we got served last night.

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I’m exhausted. I’ve been on suicide watch all night, but everyone around here has finally passed out, so I’ll give you a little update and then go grab some shut-eye ahead of our presser at 1:00 PM.

It sure wasn’t pretty around here. Big Guy doesn’t do rejection well, so he’s in deep denial, throwing things around and blaming George W. Bush for everything. Pretty much the same with Lady M, only she’s blaming BO. Thankfully she went to bed with a sick headache around 2:00 AM.

Little Bo, who is a rather nervous breed, was hunkered down in my bunker with Little Mo and Raj watching the the election results. They had Fox on, which I didn’t even know we could get here in the Big White, but apparently Raj jury-rigged something up. Plus, they heard that Hugh Hewitt was on until till 3:00 AM, so they were streaming that too. It got pretty rowdy in there, and this morning there were popcorn bags and root beer bottles all over the place. I haven’t seen hide nor hair of any of them yet.

But anyway you slice it, it looks like the Repubs got Daddy’s car keys back last night. So instead of shooting straight out of the ditch and over the cliff they’re going to put the car in reverse, look for the deficit reduction exit that we blew past last year and backup on the ramp.

Butt, we’ll soldier on, choosing to focus on the positives coming out of this election. Like MO’s continuing mojo which worked so well for Harry:

prayin' might not hurt  Mo pulls one out for Prince Harry

Mo’s endorsement, along with the busloads of undocumented Democrats from Tijuana, managed to save Harry Reid’s skinny arse. Ain’t that a treat?

current and remaining Put your hands together for your reigning Senate Majority Leader! Harry Reid – He’s our man! If he can’t do it no one can!

Also remaining on our team: Barbara “call me Senator for another term” Boxer, Fancy Nancy (although we’ve heard rumors she wishes to spend more time with her family), and Barney Frank. So we’re good.

We’re also taking cold comfort in having defeated that witch (Christine, not Nancy), and winning one for our favorite Vietnam era, non-Vietnam vet, Richard Blumenthal. (I know I shouldn’t pick on people’s looks, but seriously, is it a requirement in Connecticut that you have to look like a ghoul to win?  These two are sooo invited to next year’s Halloween party.

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Rosa DeLauro, D. Rep. Ct          Blumenthal, D.Senator elect

Well, I guess we’ll just have to grab a mop now and clean up this mess. I guess that will start at our 1:00 presser. I sure hope we don’t take many questions though, because Big Guy’s going to be hung-over and his voice will be raspy from that carton of cigs he smoked last night. I just know he’s not going to be in the mood for taking questions about our little $200 mil/day vacay.

Maybe it will help if he and Alexi have a little hair of the dog this morning.

los tres amigos  We’ll  both have an orange-Giannoulias, with a double vodka.

*Sigh* I guess we’ll just have to get used to the Republican shift from the Party of “No” to the the party of “Stop It!”

 

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Leavin’ Las Vegas

It was an early morning call after all the Halloween festivities. Butt when Harry Reid needs us we’ll be there. Anyway, the lack of sleep probably explains the return of the little eye. Although I suppose it could be from an OD of BOtox. We’ve had to deal with that unfortunate situation more than a couple of times.

little eye That’s a wee-little eye

But it’s more likely lack of sleep. Which would also explain the, uh, rather unusual ensemble we chose for Harry’s last hurrah in Vegas, baby!

here's  a classy flotus look

I know we’ve been pumping iron like crazy, and I know we’re in Vegas, baby. But maybe something a little less, well, showgirl, and a little more FLOTUS-Y  might have been OK too?

Speaking of Harry’s last hurrah, it looks like it ends not with a bang, but a whimper:

ive seen this skirt beforeDon’t yell at Harry, he’s already very sorry. Along with a ‘whole bunch of’ other folks

I can barely believe I’m going to say this, butt this skirt by Diane von Furstenburg  looked better last fall  when we wore it with our ruffles, stretchy sweater thingy and favorite artillery boob belt. At least it didn’t look like a Speedo equipped with the extra-long skirt  for maximum bottom camouflage.

Completely OT, butt which angry eyebrows do you prefer, last year’s or this year’s?

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Here’s a candid of Lady M speaking from the heart:

there's a message here somewhere

Meanwhile, Bill Clinton told people "I keep looking for this enthusiasm gap the Republicans say exists, and I can't find it to save my life,"  heh heh: That Big Dawg has always had a great sense of humor:

Dateline: Cleveland, Sunday October 31. Big Guy and JoeyB address the modest butt adoring crowd.obamacrowd Enthusiasm gap identified in the second tier. The Dems making enough money to be “rich” stayed home to spend more time with their families.

Butt Lady M wasn’t quite done yet: on to Philadelphia for one last campaign plea for the lazy Dems to get out and robo-vote for Joe Sestack ( who we may, or may not, have tried to take out of the race).

Wisely, we added a turtleneck and long sleeves, as it was quite chilly in Philly. I’m not sure what those rubber O-rings at the shoulders are. Maybe some kind of subtle reminder that we are the ones you’ve been waiting for?

Sestak philly

Oh wait, it’s just a fashion forward trim piece. I must remind MO to keep her flaps down  when she wears this.

turtle and sleeves added   

You probably think I should be talking about today’s elections instead of MO’s eyebrows and wardrobe, seeing as how this could be another huge, historic election.  But the fact is, we’ve already done everything we can, including voting multiple times, and there’s nothing to do now but sit back and wait for the bad news.

And what are we going to do if we lose the big election today?

We’re going to Desi-World!

Monday, November 1, 2010

What a Bust: Big White Halloween Party

Can you believe it, after all the work I did? Big Guy shows up in the same costume as last year and Lady M comes as the great pumpkin. Not even a nice set of cat whiskers. Nothing but sparkly mascara.

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What a let down from last year. I hope the adorable little kids who came to trick or treat in their COSTUMES didn’t notice. At least they read the invitation which clearly stated it was a COSTUME party.

However, compared to last year we really toned everything down. Instead of our home grown organic butterflies captured in bubbles like we had in ‘09,

fairy this year we had… hula hoops.

hulas

Butt then, we are in the middle of Bush’s recession, so we had to scale back so as not to appear as if we are not feeling everybody else’s pain.

So instead of last year’s extravaganza of musical groups, entertainment and elaborate decorations we had squash and a local theatrical troupe dressed up like dead people wandering around the Big White grounds scaring the little children. No truth to the rumor that they were all Democratic Congressional members auditioning for their next gig:

gate crashersAbe Lincoln. NOT Harry Reid and Fancy Nancy 

great pumpkinAt least somebody dressed up like Michael Jackson 

illegal aliens Lady M and Big Guy meet with a couple of illegal aliens, and extract their promise to vote Democratic on Tuesday. Twice.

Regarding the goodie bags that the First Family handed out, well let’s just say the kids don’t come here for the treats. They were identical to last year’s “treat” bags: Organic cookies (made with honey from our own busy bees) boxes of M&M’s with Big Guy’s name on them, and dried organic fruit.

obmm213You know their parents aren’t going to let them eat these Presidential boxes of M&M’s

Oh well, at least we found something to do with all of Lady M’s left

SQUASH FROM THE ORGANIC GARDEN over organic squash. I sure hope we don’t have to have it for dinner again.

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Squash Inukshuks: how clever.

inukshuks-red-bay_20176 Inukshuks in Red Bay, Labrodor                  photo by Rolf Hicker

In Canada, the Inuits build them to “stand in the place of men.” This is a two-fer: we get rid of the squash, and they can take the place of the dead-Dems-walking.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Halloween Party at the White House: 2010

Pastry Chef Yosses and his staff of little people have been busy for 3 days baking organic cookies made with Big White honey to pass out to all the ghosts, ghouls and goblins who drop around here for a visit. We’ll also be putting them in the goodie bags for all the kiddies who’ll be stopping by tonight for trick or treat. 

Lady M would have been on the campaign trial trail with Big Guy, but she’s been busy picking out costumes for both of them to wear to tonight’s festivities. Unlike last year, when it didn’t matter so much, this year’s costumes need to appeal to our ungrateful voters in a last ditch attempt to get them to the polls to vote for HOPE and CHANGE that WE believe in.

So instead of the generic kitten-eared cat woman from last season, we are sticking with popular costumes this year - in order to appeal to the maximum number of voters in the 18-34 demographic that we need to win big on Tuesday. So here goes, let me know what you think.

First up, MO as Planet Pandora’s hottest it girl, Neytiri. # 1 was done without our patented world class containment system:

                              mo avatar copy

  

While # 2 is – as you can see – was taken with it, along with deployment of all of my magical powers.                                       

mo avatar-2 copy

I rather like the # 1 “natural” girl version. Not only is it more in keeping with the spirit of Planet Pandora, but since it’s supposed to look that way, I don’t have to work quite as hard. But that’s just me being selfish. So if you prefer #2, I don’t mind sacrificing for the good of the American people.

Next, we go in the opposite direction. This is one Halloween costume that never seems to get old. Just a little more “mature.” Behold: the original witchy woman, Elvira Queen of the Night. All of the guys with beer bellies now remember her from their college days, so maybe this is a go.

mo elvira copy

And while this is next one is one of Lady M’s favorite costumes, we’ll probably reserve it for day wear. It’s currently hot and popular with the ultra-young set, butt they really can’t vote yet (unless some illegal alien has their Social Security number). This is Hit Girl, the 10 year old cartoon vigilante who fights crime and corruption at every turn. Definitely a costume against character, but we love purple, short skirts and capes. And it might also appeal to fly-overs clinging to their guns and religion.

 mo hit girl copy 

From the kid next door to the Jersey Shore: here are a couple of really hot contenders.

First there’s Mike, “the Situation” with his signature swagger and 6-pack abs. Something we all know MO admires. And look, you can buy them right down the street at Halloween USA.

mo situation copy

But here’s the coup de gras: Let’s put our hands together for Snooki!

This is so Lady M, of course we’ll need maximum containment and extraordinary refraction capabilities. But what the heck, it might be the last really fun party we have around here for quite awhile.

mo snooki copy

 

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi arrives at "Nightmare In Jersey" Halloween party held at Jet Nightclub at The Mirage Hotel and Casino on October 30, 2010 in Las Vegas, Nevada. In case you’re wondering, the real Snooki is coming as the Pickle Princess. She is just so clever! And cute, too, when she isn’t puking.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Big Guy didn’t have much time to select his costume this year as he did last, when, as you’ll recall, he went as a dweeb.

bomo halloween4

Just as well since MO picked out a couple of costumes for him. They’re all geared to a different voting block.

This first one, obviously, was intended to win the San Fran Bay area for Fancy Nancy and Barbara “call me Senator” Boxer.

bo armani jump-new

Don’t get excited. Big Guy’s still got the manorexic thing going on, but this costume comes with its own full body suit complete with all the man-muscles. I don’t think this is going to make it to the final cut however since it might annoy some of our Blue Dogs, and it looks like San Fran Nan is a pile of leftover cold cuts any way.

Next, we have the classic Joker. A big hit just a couple of years ago, but looking a little tired and dated now. But no doubt a great number of our constituents can still identify with it on many levels.

bo joker copy

So here are two options from the Michael Jackson songbook, guaranteed to reach across the aisle and pull in a few people from every voting block, so either one of these should be considered a solid contender:

bo jackson-s copy

or, classic MJ

bo jackson-2 copy

Hey, Big Guy looks great with Jheri curls!

But there’s one final costume. Also Mike, the Situation, from Jersey Shore. This one is intended to appeal to the group suffering the worst from an enthusiasm gap: you know Joe Six Pack.

bo the situation copy

And while we could really stand to lure that group back in, I’m afraid you’ll have to agree with me on this: between the two of them, Lady M so owns this one.

So let me know as soon as you can which one you like best. We need all the votes we can beg, borrow or steal to pull our chestnuts out of the fire this time.