Friday, November 5, 2010

We Lost #1, Butt We’ll Always Have Uranus

As if the bitch-slapping we got from the ungrateful electorate on Tuesday wasn’t bad enough, Forbes just knocked Big Guy off the Numero Uno perch on it’s Most Powerful Person in the World list. You won’t believe this, butt Steve Forbes actually thinks that Hu “Who?” Jintao is the “most powerful person on Earth.” Forbes totally ignored the list of the Most Powerful People on Pluto and Uranus, where Big Guy has been deemed #1 for life.


Big Guy bows to the most powerful person on Earth

Ok, so maybe bowing to the little Chi-Com sent the wrong message. We were simply acknowledging – and grudgingly admiring - the power he wields over his own citizens. We sure as hell weren’t bowing to him as if he was one of our betters: we have no betters, and besides, he’s Chinese.

Butt rubbing salt in the wound, Forbes goes on to explain that the people are placed on the list based on their ability to “bend the world to their will.”  Forbes justifies this libelous move by gushing that Who? “(is a) Paramount political leader of more people than anyone else on the planet; exercises near dictatorial control over 1.3 billion people, one-fifth of world's population ... Unlike Western counterparts, Hu can divert rivers, build cities, jail dissidents and censor Internet without meddling from pesky bureaucrats, courts."


Hey, we could divert rivers too, if we wanted to!


STOP, you’re killing us!

It’s not like Big Guy has been totally on vacation or playing golf for the past 22 months. Well, ok, we’ve recreated a few times just to take the edge off.


Butt Steve, bubbie, are you not aware of the economic take overs we have rammed up America’s collective butts without the meddling of bureaucrats and courts?

Maybe we haven’t  diverted any rivers, butt we got an irrigation ditch supplying water to Mendota, CA shutdown, throwing all 10,000 Latino residents into the unemployment line so we could save a smelt. Has Who? done that?


And we haven’t slammed Blago into the hoosegow, butt not because we’re afraid we’ll end up in the cell next door. And besides, he’s not so much a dissident as a friend with secrets.


If there’s any consolation in the list it is that we kicked Puti-Put’s Ruskie ass, figuratively, and left the Pope in our dust. Butt, we’re not comfortable with some of the other members of the “Top 10”:


  1. Hu Jintao
    1. Who?
  2. Big Guy
  3. King Abdullah Bla bla bla
    1. OK, he’s Royal
  4. Puti-Put
    1. No Comment
  5. The Pope
    1. Cool hats
  6. Angie Merkel
    1. Chick
  7. David Cameron
    1. Metrosexual
  8. Ben “Ben-Bern” Bernanke
    1. One of Big Guy’s small people
  9. Sonia Gandhi
    1. Chick
  10. Bill Gates
    1. Greedy Capitalist pig

Clearly, the list is devalued since it has chicks and small people in the Top 10, not to mention Big Guy not on top.

We had high HOPEs for Forbes after they wisely chose Lady M to head their “Most Powerful Woman” list, kicking Fancy Nancy’s Frisco caboose. Butt the temptation to pile on Big Guy was too much after our Tuesday spanking.


Well, Steve, you picked Who? and stuck it to Obama. The only thing left to say is you’re going to regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

bo uranus copy

And remember, he’ll always have Uranus