Spiders, Herbs & Deadbeat Dads

Sundance Festival: Day 2

Isn’t that a cool way to start my post. That’s the way everything starts around here, well, tomorrow it will be Day 3 but you probably knew that.

Anyway, yesterday I saw another movie film and a bunch of stars. It’s hard to tell which ones are stars sometimes because everybody is covered head to toe in black and without their movie star makeup, a lot of them aren’t that pretty.

The film I saw is “Daddy Long Legs”. It was supposed to be called “Go Get Some Rosemary”, but somebody thought it would do better if people thought it was about spiders. It’s not. But it’s not about rosemary - or any other herb - either.

It’s the heart warming story of a deadbeat dad who has to entertain his 2 young boys for 2 full weeks each year. What a sacrifice. The boys names are Sage and Frey, so I guess that provides a clue to the original title’s herb association. But the story isn’t really about the children. But then why would any story about a deadbeat dad really be about the children?

I give it a B+.

I saw these two downtown, if you can really say Park City has a downtown.

 

See what I mean about how hard it can be to spot stars. I didn’t know who these guys were, but it’s some guy named Jon Gosselin, and his newest squeeze. Here’s another look. Sometimes black isn’t so slimming after all.

It was really karmic, because Jon apparently is a deadbeat father who ditched his 8 children. I don’t know if he has to spend 8 weeks with them each year, but I bet the kids hope not.

And speaking of fat slobs, I also heard that over at supportive ABC, Dianne Sawyer has named Lady M “Person of the Week” because she wants fighting childhood obesity to be her legacy. And if you ask me, she deserves it.

I think these pictures from MO’s childhood show that her obesity issues didn’t come till later in life.

More salad bar, less lobster

If you’re new to my blog, you might be wondering about the movie stuff. Well, I’m holed up in a bunker in Utah for a few days with Raj and Bo, letting things cool off in Big White. I have Air Force Won standing by in case Lady M decides to appear in public. Also, many of you have kindly asked about my soul mate, and fellow Team member TOTUS. I’ll tell you about that very soon.

Reflections on Sundance

 

 

Downtown Park City

Gosh! You would think I’d be used to being around celebrities by now. But it’s good to know that I haven’t grown jaded being around the biggest rock stars on the planet 24/7. It’s still exciting being here in Park City with all of the other top tier stars.

Like last night for example, at the movie premier for Howl:

Bob Balaban, James Franco, John Hamm, David Strathairn and Treat Williams (Park City Resident) stand together at the premiere of "Howl" on Thursday at the Eccles Theater in Park City.

Notice anything? Besides the fact that they’re all guys?  Except for David, who’s apparently not been here before and didn’t get the memo, everyone’s wearing black. It’s apparently mandatory here, especially if you’re not a real celebrity. The locals call them PIBS, people(s) in black.  I think Lady M would make a great PIB, or, in her case FLIB – first lady in black. I did a quick run through my hard drive, and I’m going to say Lady M would fit right in here with the rest of these pseudo celebs.

  

Above, we’re practicing on the red carpet

Footwear flexibility is critical in dressing black

Accessorizing the basic black is crucial. With red I mean.

Does Lady M look like a natural to accept an Oscar, or what?

Anyway, Raj and I went to a movie last night: Howl. I’m not sure I really got it, probably because I don’t get out very often and I’m not as sophisticated as the other movie fans – whoops, I mean film aficionados. They don’t call them movies here, even though they sell popcorn. Here’s my quick “film” review of Howl:

Poet who doesn’t know how to rhyme,

Pines for socialist world of ribald grime.

Feels America’s role in a world of conformity

reflects society’s plunge into complete deformity .

His poems assume we invented materialism,

Which no doubt explains our wicked imperialism.

His talent he felt golden,  just like Kerouac’s – Jack.

But in truth he was more of a pathetic hack.

I’m probably not the right person to ask, though.  I didn’t even know who Allen Ginsberg was until last night. I thought he used to run the Federal Reserve. Now I understand he was some big time beat poet. I still don’t think he’s that hot. If you want to see a real reader of beat poetry, check this out. Now we’re talking art. (be sure to watch it all the way to the end, or you’ll never forgive yourself.)

I have to go get some more anti-fog spray now. We’re expecting another 2 feet of snow tonight, and I don’t want my lenses steamed up in case I run into some A-listers.

For a “reel” review of Howl, check out my pal Dewey’s take.

Looking Back Is The New Looking Forward

I’m a little steamed right now, which makes it hard to see my monitor. But I just saw a post over at Vanderleun’s American Digest asking “Are We Better Off Today Than We Were One Year Ago?”  right over this picture:

I’m not upset about the question or the picture. Lord knows, I miss 43, 42, 41 and 40 something awful. Some more than others. More 43 than 41 and 42. Most of all 40. I was just a pile of undifferentiated sand-o-plasm before 40, so that’s pretty much where history starts for me. But I guess everybody except Chrissy Mathews and Herr Olbermann miss somebody now.

But what really upsets me is the suggestion that Team Obama hasn’t any significant accomplishments comparable to Lincoln, Reagan and Bush 43.

Hello Gerard, we won the N-O-B-E-L Prize !!!

For READERSHIP I think

And are you not aware that Lady M was named Elle Magazine’s Best Dressed woman of 2009? We solidly kicked froggy tail with that win!

Look at the wasp waist I’ve refracted!

And I guess you think our big “Iron Chef – Battle Croc-pot” win is trite?

The icing on the cake

So,Ok. We lost a few along the way too. Like the O-lympics Copenhagen pitch (we should have nailed that one on karma alone), Universal C02 Tax to stop Global Warming (also in Copenhagen.. I hate Denmark, I’m glad they’re freezing their stinky little fish butts off), the Governors of New Jersey and Virginia (yikes! Could that Jersey Boy use someone like me on staff.), The “Kennedy Senate Seat” (at least Scotty is really, really dreamy. He can dress in front of me anytime he wants.)

If it ended there, I think we could continue on with our chin up. But it looks like Obamacare, Obama-corps, O’Card Check, O’Carbon Tax, O’ammnesty and even the closing of Gitm’O might be in jeopardy. This is going to be a very long 3 years.

My hard drive’s full of history so I know that Lincoln freed the slaves. But Big Guy cares about human rights too: he gave the Panty-Bomber Miranda rights. And lawyers. And he’s giving KSM a trial in New York. And I know that historians say Reagan won the cold war. But if that’s really true, why is Algore still trying to get everyone wee-weed up to fight global warming? And why is it so cold outside!

Like you said, Mr. Van der Leun, GWB kept us safe after 911. But we’ve only been attacked twice since Big Guy was immaculated inaugurated. And we don’t count the first one since he was presumably on our side. Just a bad case of pre-traumatic stress. We’re medicating for that now.

I will cop to having felt a whole lot safer when the real Dick Cheney was on deck. I’m secretly hoping that he still is, from deep within his bunker in an undisclosed location somewhere in the Rockies. I sometimes even project that dream onto the big screen in the red room when no one else is around. Someone told me once a dream is a wish your heart makes. [sigh]

I better go find Raj. I want to make sure my special firewall is holding.  Then we’re going to see a movie. “Howl” I think.  I thought I was leaving that behind for awhile.

One Happy F-ing Anniversary

Looking back on it now, it was a bad idea. I thought maybe I could help smooth things over around here by getting Lady M to do one of her favorite things: have a bunch of people in to admire her. Boy, did that veer off path in a hurry.

I just thought, it’s our first historic anniversary - lets get dressed up in one of our new outfits, and greet the little people visiting Big White! Just like we did on our first historic day. We selected a black and white metallic tweed bathrobe number by Moschino with 4 pockets trimmed in black bias tape. It was accompanied by a matching cap sleeved dress under the robe. We couldn’t decide whether to  pair it up with our  winter “Hot Chillys” long johns or our black pole dancing boots. I was leaning towards the Chillys, but MO went with the boots. We took Bo along to log some quality time with MO.

I was reflecting MO quite well if I do say so myself. USA Today (one of those Rupert rags) even gave us some good ink:

Folks who took the regular White House tour this morning got an extraordinary visit with one of the building's residents: first lady Michelle Obama.

Obama, along with the family dog Bo, greeted guests as they lined up on the main floor of the White House.

"We are marking our one-year anniversary here," Obama told one surprised guest. To another startled visitor, she simply said, "Surprise!"

Things started off great. The first person through the door even gushed that seeing Lady M was a “dream”. My FLOTUS was pulling out of her funk: and that was good for her, me and Bo.

In hindsight, I should have known that it wouldn’t end well. I should have realized that Bo would steal the show – and, frankly, Lady M is only here for the show.

I had to cut most of the video scenes. Too painful. But here’s a sample from before Bo took us over the cliff.

The final straw came when a bunch of kids  walked in, saw Lady M, then saw Bo, and exclaimed, “Bo!”.

MO’s icy stare nearly broke my lens. You’ve seen the stare I’m talking about: it’s there, at the top of my blog. Poor little Bo was confused and terrified. What had he done? He surely would have known if he had left a Bo-nut somewhere on the blue carpet in the blue room.

I quickly trans-imaged him out of sight while he hightailed it back to my secret closet.

With Bo safely munching snausages with Raj, I tried to lighten the mood and shift the attention back to Lady M reminding her that kids do say the darndest things.

MO managed to suck it up, change into a lovely plum suit with matching belt (look where I put it!), and do another meet and greet to promote her seemingly endless series on mentoring kids who haven’t a clue what they’re doing here. It went well, but I could tell she was still seething about little Bo stealing the lime light earlier.

 

This snit might have been all over by dinner, but no: U.S. News “reporter” Paul “petard” Bedard had to blab it all over his Washington Whispers column. So now, instead of having dinner as a family, we’re back in my “safe room” playing “Guitar Hero” on Raj’s wii. I think it’s time to get out of Dodge for awhile.

So I scheduled a maintenance upgrade at one of our Strategic Air Combat Command rocky mountain bunkers for chip upgrades, and electro-magnetic pulse (EMP) shielding. I’ll need Raj of course. The O’s are letting me bring Bo so he can enroll in one of those mountain-dog rescue courses.

I figure a week to 10 days cooling-off should get things back to “normal” at the Big White. Besides, Lady M won’t be needing my help for a while. Everybody is too wee-weed up around here to go out in public.

I scheduled my upgrades at the SAC bunker in Park City, UT because it has the most up-to-date facilities. Oh my, and – look here! According to my calendar, the Sundance Film Festival is opening there tomorrow. What a co-wink-ee-dink! Raj said it would be just  like going to Bollywood.

Who knows, maybe I can trans-image some of the stars and starlettes, and even catch a movie or two. Sounds like a lot more fun than playing video poker with Raj in my super secret closet. Don’t worry, I’ll still be in touch.

Dude

For reasons that will soon be apparent, I had to have Raj encrypt this post. If you’re unable to read it in its entirety, either you don’t have cookies enabled on your computer or Raj hasn’t sent you the super secret cookie to get you through my firewall. So if you're having trouble, either enable your cookies or contact Raj.

I’m writing this on my computer deep inside my little closet in the back of Lady M’s dressing room. Also crammed in here with me are Raj (his temporary satellite office) and poor little Bo. After the election results from Massachusetts were announced, it went nuclear around here.

I’m Scott Brown. I’m from Wrentham. I drive a truck. Get out of my way, I’m on a mission.

I tried to warn you it would get really ugly if Big Guy found out he’d lost his mojo. Well, apparently not only did he lose his mojo, but he lost his Senate. The good news is we’ve finally found something that Big Guy doesn’t want to make about him.

Anyway, you should’ve heard the language! I haven’t heard anything like that around here since – well, lets just say W and Laura didn’t use any of those words. There were flying objects and flying f-bombs and who knows what else. I hightailed it in here with little Bo after a near miss to his left hind quarter. The little guy is still shaking, but Raj is playing computer solitaire with him now. He gets a treat no matter who wins. Bo, that is, not Raj. I still hear things flying around outside, so I’ve fully engaged my trans-imaging system. If anyone opens the door, my little closet will appear empty. I’m pretty sure we’ll be ok, but I think we’re stuck in here till morning. I hope little Bo doesn’t get all wee-weed up.

We’re decided to hunker down for the night, deep inside my super secret closet. You all get a good nights sleep. We’ve still got a lot of work to do. I heard Big Guy and Lady M talking. They’re thinking of changing the Constitution while Nancy and Harry are still breathing.

Honoring America’s Greatest Black Leader: No, Not Big Guy. Martin Luther King

We had a very big Martin Luther King Day celebration. We tried really hard not to make it about the O’s, but you know how hard that is. Because of the groupies I mean.

As you know, we really started the celebration Sunday by going to Church, something we haven’t done regularly since Reverend Wright retired. It was kind of nice, these people didn’t seem anywhere near as angry as that crowd back in Chicago, and Big Guy got to give his speech inspirational address.

Then yesterday the whole fam headed over to So That Others Might Eat, a social services organization, to do the lunch service.

Here was the menu: BBQ chicken, macaroni and cheese or potato salad, bread (this is the healthy part) and mixed veggies. Normally the veggies would be considered healthy too, but these came from the Big White garden. Then for dessert: cake and coffee. Wrong on two counts: one: cake? At “So Others Might Eat”? I’m not sure that’s the message we want to send. And secondly: coffee?

So Bill Clinton can make some more smarty-pants remarks? Are all of the political advisors busy up in Massachusetts this week?

Then we stopped in at the Red Cross Center to ensure that everyone knew we had NOT forgotten about the Haitians like George W. Bush forgot about the brothers in New Orleans (I wonder why Big Guy hasn’t finished up rebuilding the city yet? Maybe because everyone moved to Houston?).

Then we had a reception at the Big White to discuss the legacy of the Civil Rights Movement with some African American senior citizens (who used to be Negros) and their grandchildren (who believe that “Negro” is the N-word or something).

It was real nice. Dorothy Height, the longtime chairwoman of the National Council of Negro Women (who doesn’t believe “Negro” is a dirty word) was there, as was Willie Glanton, the first black woman elected to Iowa's state Legislature in the mid-1960s. Big Guy told reporters that they " were some (of the) extraordinarily courageous young people ... who were actively involved in bringing about one of the great moments in United States history." I guess he meant his election, but I didn’t really hear him thank anyone there for that.

Then, we headed over to the Kennedy Center for the Let Freedom Ring concert. It was great, but I don’t think Sean Hannity was even there. India Aria sang along with the Let Freedom Ring Choir made up mostly of Georgetown students and faculty – no country or western stars.

Lady M, Grandma, the girls and Aunt Valarie, who goes everywhere with us now, were seated in a box while Big Guy droned on gave an inspirational read.

All in all, a great day. We think Martin Luther King would have been proud. Except maybe about that serving coffee thing.

So, to recap the highlights of the day:

1- kaki baseball cap (go Red Sox), purple SEIU sweater under organically green service apron

2- purple/rose tweed upholstery fabric dress with funny ruching somewhere near the natural waist

3- Black sparkly dress with our new tousled-bob-for-evening

I Had a Bad Dream: Brown is the New Black

Good news! We finally know what it takes to get Big Guy and Lady M into Church (besides a funeral). Yeah, it’s beginning to look like the apocalypse in Massachusetts. So the O’s figured now was the time for a little divine intervention.

So we bundled off to church, and not just any church. We went to the historic Vermont Avenue Baptist Church. That’s right – the very church that Martin Luther King Jr. spoke at  before his historic “I Have a Dream” speech. He was charismatic, inspirational, soulful and, yes, eloquent. No, not Big Guy, Martin Luther King Jr.

For his part, Big Guy embraced The Reverend Martin Luther King’s legacy, whined about the libs who say he hasn’t done enough and the conservatives who say he’s done way too much, and told the peeps how frustrated he gets when he doesn’t get his own way like he always used to. He covered pretty much everything, although it took him twice as long as the original “I Have a Dream” speech. Here’s a little snippit of the important part of the speech inspirational address:

“Folks ask me sometimes why I look so calm. ... I have a confession to make here. There are times where I'm not so calm. ... There are times when the words that are spoken about me hurt. There are times when the barbs sting. There are times when it feels like all these efforts are for naught, and change is so painfully slow in coming, and I have to confront my own doubts.”

Leave it to BO to bring it back to what matters: him.

Big Guy looking right at home preaching from a pulpit 

In his speech inspirational sermon, BO alluded to his “Dream” for universal healthcare which is turning into a nightmare with that idiotic Martha Coakley in MA. Because she’s so inept he had to go there on Lady M’s birthday to tell his fans that she’s better than the dude who drives around in a pick-up.Because she’s not an R- word, or something.

 Big Guy with the soon to be Croak-ley

The best part of the church appearance was MO’s new beige sleeveless sheath dress worn with our new favorite pearls. Because we all know how hot it can get around Washington this time of year.

 Mo at Sunday’s services at Vermont Avenue Baptist Church. We’re getting back to basics in this time of crisis: Jackie

Everyone Needs a Little Nerd

I’ve got some really Big news! Some of you who have used the services of my most adorable little nerd, Raj, in the past have asked if his services might be linked right here. Well, I’m pleased to announce that Raj, my very own Chief Technical Support staff,  has agreed to put a direct link to his blog on my little blog!

There it is, over there on the right, just below my AWARDS, and my BBFF links. I was way surprised when he said ok, because between me and TOTUS, he’s probably the busiest little geek in D.C. But he said he just couldn’t say no to my loyal snarks and snarkettes.

So, welcome to my blog Raj. Big hugs and kisses! You ’da man!

Washington Math: 46 Is The New 25

Did you hear about our super secret surprise birthday party for Lady M last night?

We’ve all been on pins and needles. Not only is MO turning 46 today (as in “officially-closer-to-50-than-40), but when Big Guy dropped the bomb about going to Boston on her birthday to campaign for a blond woman, there was hair (literally) flying around here. I’m not saying she’s touchy about the b-day – it could just be hormones.

But Lady M does think it’s unreasonable of BO to let business get in the way of her private life. Big Guy tried to explain to MO that his entire legacy depends on his being able to win the Kennedy seat for that incompetent Martha Coakley.  Even so, I don’t think he’d be going if the race weren’t so close. Toes says it’s definitely within the margin of ACORN. The truth is, like many dudes his age, he really just needs to prove that he’s still got the mojo working. Either way, God help us if it turns out he doesn’t.

Anyway, we had a quiet little surprise organic birthday dinner at the posh Resaturant Nora over on the Circle. Just MO, BO, Grandma, and a dozen of their closest sycophants friends. Pretty much the usual suspects: Eric Holder, Valarie Jarrett and that old Chicago gang of theirs. I have no idea where Desiree was, but someone told me she couldn’t clear security.

As an additional surprise, Big Guy bought MO something really special: another puff piece in the Sunday Los Angeles Times. Not that she really needed another one, but can a gal ever really have too many?

Here’s just a little sample of what BO got for his money:

We couldn't stop talking about her wardrobe, from the one-of-a-kind strapless gold Naeem Khan gown she chose for the first state dinner (the designer appeared on no less than "Larry King Live")

Ha, ha - “no less than ‘Larry King Live’!” Is that a hoot or what? And that’s just the beginning - there’s much, much more; I’m going to say Big Guy got his money’s worth.

She has made it OK for smart women to care about what they wear, and her real-world physique is challenging the runway's ideal.

I never new it wasn’t OK for smart women to care about what they wear. Actually, some of the smart women I’ve worked for in the past seemed to care a whole lot more than MO. And as for the “real-world physique,” well, I don’t think I’ll touch that one. Other than to submit it to the euphemism of the year contest.

As a trendsetter, Obama has helped popularize cardigan sweaters, wide belts and the styling trick of belting an unbuttoned cardigan over a dress or a skirt... and given new life to brooches as an accessory, which had fallen out of fashion after their "Sex and the City" heyday.

Some people call them “styling” tricks, others just call them stupid people tricks. And really, brooches had a heyday during “Sex and City”? Who knew. I would have guessed their last hurrah was sometime pre-mid-century.

"Mrs. Obama is very representative of the way fashion has become more accessible. (If by accessible, you mean wearing the draperies) I see women on the street playing with accessories more, wearing a bold necklace during the day, wearing things that aren't necessarily matched. She's given people the confidence to experiment."

Honestly, can someone tell me why that’s a good thing?

 Experimenting with accessories: what could go wrong?

 "Mrs. Obama has shown more support for fashion in her diversity of choice," Kors said. "She wears things by me and by Sophie Theallet, who's making clothes in her apartment in Brooklyn."

Is it just me, or does that sound a bit catty to you? Then again, it would explain where all the table cloth dresses come from.

Obama has the same suit by Kors, with a pencil skirt and cap sleeve jacket, in three fabrications -- gold Lurex, yellow boucle and red silk shantung.

Next year we’re doing the entire box of Crayolas.

"She's not driven by labels, she's driven by aesthetics," said Maria Pinto, the Chicago designer.

That reminds me: we really do need to get art back into the public school curriculum.

But here’s my favorite, proof that Big Guy did not scrimp on this puff piece:

Designer Isaac Mizrahi has referred to the first lady as the new Carrie Bradshaw.

My first thought when I read that was, “Oh,oh, that can’t be good.” But then I read Naomi Wolf’s piece about Carrie being an icon, too.  So now I don’t know. Maybe Isaac is onto something – in the fashion sense, that is. I don’t think anyone is suggesting that Lady M is a  narcissistic, self-involved slutty New York career girl who drinks Cosmopolitans.

 

 

Layering is interesting

   Cinch ‘er up!

Bow ties are back

 

birds of a feather?

When Snarks Attack: 4

Well it’s that time again. But as I mentioned a while back, the super-secret field assignments I’ve gotten lately have put quite a bite into my blog time. The biggest problem has been that my super-secret Snark of the Week nominating committee has likewise been dispatched to help with all of the humanitarian crises we’ve been handling: securing our “Kennedy Senate seat,” our healthcare rationing plan, the whiney veggie-doubles litigation and a bunch of other stuff. So I was thinking, why don’t I ask you for a little help? 

Would you be angels and help by being my super-secret nominating committee? I think it would be a lot of fun and it will still be super-secret since you won’t know who’s been nominated until nominations are closed and I post the final nominees for voting. I know it’s a lot to ask, so I’m switching to a semi-monthly contest (that’s every 2 weeks, for those of you with “semi-bi” dyslexia).  And here’s the best part, you can nominate your own snarky comment (and (shhh) nobody will know).  As long as Big Guy isn’t near. He doesn’t believe in secret ballots. Unless they’re from ACORN.

“No, no, no; we’re not voting for Hillary any more.”

 

Here are the rules for the nominations phase:

1- Chicago rules Do Not apply. Although if you go into any Acorn office dressed like a  hooker or Lady M, they will show you how to get around any voting rule.

2- Snarks must have been snarky between 12:01 Sunday, December 27, 2009 and 11:59 Saturday, January 16, 2010. (yes, I know that’s 3 weeks, but we have a little catch up from the holidays – we were on vacation you know)

3- Polls will be open for our historic administration’s standard 72 hour lag time.

4- Ten (10) Snark Finalists will be posted for final voting, you guessed it, 72 hours after the polls close.

5- If more than 10 Snarks are nominated, selection of Snark finalists will be based on the number of times a Snark has been nominated (so get down to your local Acorn office to figure out how to hack into the voting ASAP).

6- For this week’s nominations only, our “Keep the Kennedy Seat in the Family” Rule has been imposed by Toes: If you are a registered voter in Massachusetts, or are willing to be bussed in next Tuesday, and promise to vote against that dreamy Scott Brown (sigh) at least once, you’ll be automatically nominated. You most likely won’t win, but you will be nominated.

 

h/t: my favorite Hill Buzz boys for pics (and (shhh), supporting Scotty)

To enter a nomination, click the “Other” button and give an abbreviation of the post title, the Snarker’s name, and the date & time of the snark. Space is limited, so brevity matters. Just ask Scott.

If you don’t want to nominate anyone, I’ve included two handy pre-written answers. If you choose the second one, tweet me right away and follow up with an email disclosing the “amount” (full disclosure: all “proceeds” go to the Lady M Fund for Massachusetts Voters with Severe Ballot Error Disorders. We’re anticipating a recount.).

Ok Snarks and Snarkettes, let the nominations begin!