Saturday, January 21, 2012

Putting America Back to Work. One Recess Appointment at a Time.

While South Carolina counts the GOP votes, Big Guy remains in the Oval working on his SOTU speech.

Here he is with staff, counting the ways he’s been successful in circumventing the Do-nothing Congress to create Jobs, Jobs, Jobs all by himself.

national security teamBe sure to count all those guys we hired to streamline government… 

Our working title for the speech so far is “Putting America back to work, one Recess Czar appointment at a time” - because we can’t wait!

Just this week, BO named tourism Job #1b (as you recall from yesterday, Job #1a is fundraising, in order to WTF). Because when tourists come to visit, they spend money (like in Las Vegas)! They go to restaurants, stay in hotels, buy at local retail (all taxed to the hilt) – all of which create jobs! See how this works?

Every year, tens of millions of tourists come from all over the world to visit America.  They stay in our hotels, eat at our restaurants, and see all the sights America has to offer.

See how quickly BO is picking up on how capitalism works? He’ll be able to beat the R-words at their own game by the time November rolls around.

That’s good for local businesses.  That’s good for local economies.  And the more folks who visit America, the more Americans we get back to work.  It’s that simple.

It is that simple. This trickle down economic trick works elsewhere too. Say you happen to have a whole bunch of people building a huge cross-country pipeline. Or possibly people drilling gas/oil wells, or mining uranium. Even though these are mostly all high paying union jobs, I guess they’re jobs that go to the union segment that we’ve already written off in our reelection bid.

We can’t wait to seize this opportunity.  As I’ve said before, I will continue to work with Congress, states, and leaders in the private sector to find ways to move this country forward. 

Really? Because a lot of people thought the TransCanada pipeline project might be just such an opportunity.

But where they can’t act or won’t act, I will.  Because we want the world to know that America is open for business.  And that’s why I announced steps we’re taking to promote America and make it easier for tourists to come and visit.

Oh, okay, now I get it! This is just about tourism, not commerce.

We’re going to expand the number of countries where visitors can get pre-cleared by Homeland Security…

Hey, here’s a thought: how about American citizens who have to travel several times a week (because they’re one of the lucky ones who still has a job) get a pre-clearance by Homeland Security so they can bypass the TSA gendarmes?

And we’re going to speed up visa processing for countries with growing middle classes that can afford to visit America – countries like China and Brazil.

*sigh* Sadly, it appears as though we’re going to have to outsource our tourist industry too, since middle class Americans can no longer afford to vacation in America.

And we can’t wait to make it happen.


Too often over the last few months, we’ve seen Congress drag its feet and refuse to take steps we know will help strengthen our economy.  That’s why this is the latest in a series of actions I’ve taken on my own to help our economy keep growing, creating jobs, and restoring security for middle-class families.

Well, this is just a tiny preview of what you’re in for. Be sure to tune in to Big Guy’s Big State of the Union speech Tuesday night for additional information and instructions.

bo shifted to the leftSOTU: Just a little off kilter

We’ll be doing a few more dress rehearsals between now and then.  Both of the speech, and what we’ll be wearing for the occasion.

moLady M listens to Big Guy’s rehearsal of his SOTU speech. Needs more work.


XL-PipelineYes we CAN! We came, we saw, we killed!

We’ve already established the fact that we can WOW (win With Out Whites) so there’s really no need to pander to that segment of our base anymore. “The president’s re-election is at stake here,” he said. “There’s bigger fish to fry. There’s more at stake here than just a pipeline.”

Indeed, how many times do I have to point out that getting reelected is Job Won?

Friday, January 20, 2012

Buy Won, Get Won Free!

Yesterday was a pretty slow news day, unless you’re an R-word. In which case you were probably interested to hear that Rick Perry dropped out of the race, Rick Santorum won Iowa and Newt is apparently a swinger! Who knew?

Then on to the R-word debate, where the first question was to Newt, asking for his comment on his ex-wife’s allegation that he was, indeed, a swinger. So boys, what did you expect from CNN? Softballs?

Regardless of it’s velocity, Newt hit that one out of the park: “I’m tired of the elite media protecting Barack Obama by attacking Republicans.”

situation roo poster

“Yeah, Houston, this is the RNC: we have a situation here.”

The latest debate left many to ponder, as Charles Hurt put it: “why Republicans keep allowing the various Communist, leftist and otherwise anti-American TV networks to host GOP debates.”

           matthews LAWRENCE_ODONNELL_2

The Ms.NBC smug ones

sawyer state dinnerLady Diane at State Dinner last summer

Meanwhile, out of the fray, Big Guy was wrapping up a big day of official business in Florida (battleground state) by announcing his new executive order to increase tourism. I didn’t think you could actually do that: order an increase in tourism I mean. Butt it should make a lot of people happy. Especially those who haven’t been able to afford a vacation in years now.

bkeyser BO disneylandChanneling his inner Mickey, Big Guy and TOTUS announce new executive order requiring tourists to visit the Magic Kingdom. BKeyser via Blonde Gator

Then BO flew into New York for a series of intimate events. Two at the  Daniel restaurant (pre-dinner for the not quite so rich, dinner for the very rich), followed by one at the Apollo Theatre (where the top seats went for $25,000) and one at Spike Lee’s swanky Upper East Side brownstone for $30,800.

So, lest there be any confusion about our number Won jobs priority going forward: it’s fundraising. Because being president is Job One! And it’s going to take a lot of money to ensure we achieve our top priority. Yesterday helped; we hauled down a cool $3.1 million - not bad for a day’s “work.” 

Butt we have a lot more work to do, as our billion dollar man campaign appears to be falling a bit short. In order to achieve our objective, Big Guy and Lady M need to raise $87 million every month between now and the end of the campaign trail.

first-lady-michelle-obama-obama-08-campaign-photo-468x538We’ll be rollin’ out our secret weapon again: Lady M!

So it’s going to be a very exciting year!

Our newest fundraising plans include a new marketing campaign geared towards the filthy rich, because, well, that’s where the money is. I’m calling this campaign our Buy Won, Get Won Free program:

Eager to widen its donor base, the Obama campaign is using its team of top fundraisers and donors to distribute marketing materials to thousands of potential top-dollar donors across the nation. Those who donate $5,000 …will gain a stream of perks large and small, sources said.

The benefits could include free entry to campaign fundraisers featuring the President, access to strategy sessions at headquarters, and pizza parties at the homes of supporters to watch upcoming voting contests to pick the Republican candidate challenging Obama for the White House in 2012.

Wow! Our fundraising guys are real professionals. And speaking of professionals, did you hear BO crooning to his fans at the Apollo? He practiced for a month with his Hollywood voice coach in order to squeeze these 5 notes out somewhere in key:

'Those guys didn't think I would do it. I told you I was gonna do it.'

So next time Big Guy tells us he’s going to do something, maybe we should all pay a little more attention.


Auto-tuned tax policy

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Thursday, January 19, 2012

From “We Can’t Wait” to WTF: who needs Jobs anyway?

Before getting to MORE Lady M news, I should address Big Guy’s decision to reject the construction of the Keystone XL Pipeline as there’s been quite a fuss about it, and I just don’t think we’re getting our message out on why he rejected it.

merch_0001_button_we can't waitwcw

He didn’t want to kill a project that may, by some estimates, create 200,000 trickle down jobs, butt the Republicans made him do it. With their ridiculous demand that he make a decision in just 60 days, he really had no choice. Making big, important decisions like that “right now!” is just irresponsible – only a fool would demand that kind of turnaround on such an important decision.

“The rushed and arbitrary deadline insisted on by Congressional Republicans prevented a full assessment of the pipeline’s impact, especially the health and safety of the American people, as well as our environment,”

After all, there are significant implications connected with the approval of such a huge pipeline project (i.e. thousands of jobs, jobs jobs!, increased oil supply by hundreds of thousands of barrels/day, reduced oil dependency on the Middle East). And we all know that the rule of unintended consequences is far more likely to result in bad outcomes if you force someone to make a premature decision on a significant issue. Take Obamacare for example; why, we’re still finding out what all  is in there!

Plus, if we’d spent a little more time analyzing the 5-minute Solyndra Solution to the energy problem, maybe we wouldn’t how ended up with all that egg on our face.

Yep, everything looks good to me, boys! Let’s build ‘em.

So, forcing BO to respond in such a tight timeframe - when his schedule is already crammed full of campaign events - was not just irresponsible, it was inconsiderate as well. It looked like nothing more than payback on the part of the petulant R-words. Just because Big Guy gave the do-nothing Congress less time to deal with his unwritten Jobs Bill ( “Pass this Bill right now!”) was no excuse for them to try to force his hand on this critical decision.

Besides, Big Guy is the PRESIDENT for crying out loud. And they’re just the do-nothing Congress we’re running against. We really had to show them who’s in charge.

So if you think Big Guy was just pandering to his Green Coalition you are mistaken. His peevishness goes well beyond that.


Now, on to the big news of the day: another cover to add to Lady M’s collection!


Yes! That really is Lady M! In MORE: the magazine FOR WOMEN OF STYLE AND SUBSTANCE.

Note this month’s other cover articles, all of which included input from MO as well:

Your best haircut ever:

mogrinch all wrapped up

Rule One: Let it go natural

 Redefining “beautiful:”


And become a Fashion Icon at the same time!

 Belly fat buster plan:


Hint: includes industrial schtrength containment systems

Reinvent your life:

Alice Deal Middle School for a Let's Move fitness eventmichelle-obama-sweet-potato-e1309008104694

You too can be a Hip Hop queen. Or an urban gardener.

Declutter Your Finances:

Michelle_Obama_SPAIN_02_Villa_Padierna_in_MarbellaDefray costs by combining work with pleasure: Villa Padierna, Marbella

 Step away from the Sweats:

     Michelle_southLawn31milk run

Because fashion designers make exercise togs too!

It’s an all-Lady-M-all-the-time issue. Enjoy!

“What dreams are left for the woman who grew up working class in Chicago, graduated from Princeton and Harvard law and became the first African-American first lady of the United States?”

I can only imagine.

mo whoWho IS that gurl?


Mary Tyler “Moore, Moore Moore”

or just That Girl?

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, Thanks!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Barbarians at the Gate - While the Won % Ate.

NOTE: Official BAN SOPA edition today in solidarity with Google and Wikipedia


Tense night around the Big White. The OWIES showed up to OCCUPY the White House and protest the unfairness of life. They did so by lobbing a few smoke bombs over the fence onto the lawn of the People’s House.

Fortunately the Wons weren’t home at the time. They were with 10 close friends at BLT Steak (aka Bistro Laurent Tourondel, famous French chef) celebrating Lady M’s 48th birthday.

x610Lady M earlier in the day, lying about her age

After a brief lockdown, police dispersed the crowd and cleared out the smoke bombs and secured the Big White for Big Guy’s and Lady M’s return around 10:00 pm for nightcaps.

Naturally, due to the personal nature of the dinner, there was a complete photo embargo, butt I can report that Lady M changed from what she had worn earlier in the day when the St. Louis Cardinals stopped by to wish her a happy birthday.

world series runWow! Look at that black bat!

Which was a re-run of the lovely sweater she wore to her Oscar winning performance at the Gabby Gifford memorial in Arizona last year:


For dinner she lost the sweater, kept the pearls and went basic black with the Jackie O’s. Just like we have so often in the past:


The many faces of MO’s campaign pearls

Expect to see a lot more of the pearls this year, as they work so well with campaigning. That face? Well, it may be an artifact of the 2008 campaign, butt we’ve got a much better one now anyway.



Butt I digress: back to our dinner at BLT Steak. I know that sounds as casual as a ham sandwich, butt rest assured, there’s nothing prosaic about this Lady M fave. Oh sure, at lunch you can get an Obama burger for just $28: an 8 oz Kobe American burger, with cheddar bacon, burnt tomato ketchup (bleh!) and spicy Scallion mustard.

Dinner, however is a bit more upscale.

blt-steak-dc-pdrBLT Washington: Private Dining Room

For example, here’s what the Won Percent party enjoyed for the birthday dinner last night:

Appetizers: The American Wagyu Skirt Steak (10 0z, $55) and 28-Day Dry Aged New York Strip (16 0z, $46) with house-made sauces including Horseradish, Peppercorn, 3 Mustards, and the ubiquitous "Steak" sauce.

Dinner: American Wagyu Top Cap, which is served in a 10 0z portion ($81). I know that’s a lot of steak, butt after all it IS BLT Steak, not BLT Salad, or BLT Organic Vegetables.

Accompanying side dishes, served family style, included French Fries, Mashed Potatoes, Caramelized Brussel Sprouts with Bacon, Creamed Spinach, and Hen of the Woods Mushrooms. Oh, and onion rings, of course – hand stacked.


Following a few Stoli martinaes, dinner was accompanied by both red and white wines.

For dessert,  a specially made version of Lady M’s favorite red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting – and cream cheese ice cream!

Red_Velvet_Cake_with_Vanilla_Cream_Cheese_FrostingIt’s red chocolate! RED. CHOCOLATE! How do you do that?


Meanwhile, back at the Big White, all the little OWIES had been shoed away, and have moved on to the Capital. It’s going to be a long winter.

occupiers at congressThe 99% are now demanding Obama Kobe Hamburgers for lunch. And onion rings. With some good red wine. A fine Pinot Noir would be nice.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Bitch Stole My Look!®

So, another Golden Globe Awards show is in the can. I haven’t seen any of the movies or most of the TV shows (accept Homeland and Boss) that won, butt I’ve now reviewed all of the fashions. All I can say is if the screen offerings aren’t any more original than the frocks – and since the Best Movie award went to a throwback black and white silent film, The Artist,  I’m guessing they’re not - save your money.

The starlets all borrowed from the Lady M Look Book. To borrow Madonna’s phrase, their gowns were a bit reductive. That’s just the way it is when you’re a fashion icon.

Judge for yourself. I think they’re all rip-off artists.  


    Kathleen Robertson: hello! Been there, done that.

  129176364--452x678 1B7FE612

Viola Davis: trying to outdo us by flashing some leg. We save that look for daytime.

           michelle-obama-300x400  1B7FEEF1

Jessica Alba, have you no shame?  

      President-Barack-First-Lady-Michelle-Obama-Toast-Dinner-Mauricio-Funes-National-Palace-San-El-Salvador-e1321416917325-602x752 1B7FE85D

           Kate Beckinsale: This is just outrageous, right down to the jewelry.

             michelle-obama-state-dinner-dress 1B7FE6D8

Laura Linney: the pale one in royal blue



            Stacy Keibler (aka “George Clooney’s Amazon date”) sports Lady M’s signature tomato tart red: and famous toned arms. 

                  d651f1924790effd_120511_michelle_obama_ver_wang_600111205080535.preview 1B7FE1A5 

            Sofia Vegara – who won an award for “Modern Family” and gave her acceptance speech in Spanish. American Modern.      

                5765c8ba-a991-4be1-ae0c-26c32e03694e bb2525cc

I don’t really know who this is, butt she had something to do with “The Artist.” Aren’t artists usually a little more creative?

Then of course there’s this: the dress selected – according to Sarah Michelle Gellar- by her 2 year old daughter. I’m afraid this choice proves she carries the DNA of her father, the late “Dark Knight” Heath Leger. (UPDATE: wrong baby daddy. Apologies to the little tyke who picked out Mom’s dress. HL is the BD of Michelle Williams 2 year old. Can we declare a moratorium on Michelle’s for awhile? Thanks for the catch Anonymouse.) Neo-Neocon thought the dress looked like Miss Scarlet was missing a few tie dyed sheets: butt if you look closely, you’ll see that Lady M was way ahead of the curve on this fashion trend too.


Sarah Michelle Gellar: butt let’s not kid ourselves, Lady M practically invented the ink splotch motif:


…only she chose classic black India ink.

Other trend stealers spotted on the runway: the weirdly androgynous Tilda Swinton soooo stole this look from Lady M:


not the androgyny, the hair:

              hairspray please Pomellato-Tilda-Swinton-by-Paolo-Roversi-3

Here’s a concept that looks equally good in black or white

Although an argument could be made that she actually stole the look from the Donald:

trump the donald's hair

Also, I don’t want to overlook the honorees in some of the less glamorous categories that don’t command as much coverage. Here, for example, are the two finalists in the Premature-Aging category: Kelley Osborne, 27 and Lindsay Lohan, 25. Both would make good poster children for the War Against Drugs.

            KELLEY OSBORNE lindsay lohan

And the award for Best Preventative-aging: formaldehyde-preservation division (see here for proof) went, hands down, to Madonna: still lean, mean, material and self-absorbed. Aside from the lean part, she reminds me a lot of someone else around here.

Madonna's dark green Reem Acra chain mail and taffeta

I won’t repeat what Joan Rivers said about her frock, butt it involved an unnatural act between a disco ball and a bedspread. Madge’s dress is by Reem Acra, constructed out of chain maille and bottle green taffeta: again, two looks that Lady M has previously rocked, albeit not at the same time.


Two looks from back in ‘08, when we used to keep our mouth shut occasionally.

And then there’s the perennial worst dressed award.  It was awarded again, as it is perennially, to Meryl Streep who was stunned, as she is, perennially, that she won another Golden Globe. Then there was the Streep bleep: she said some naughty words when she realized she didn’t have her glasses and couldn’t read her speech. Wouldn’t you think an actress could memorize her speech? I mean, isn’t that what they pretty much do for a living?

Winning the category of BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA for her role in “Iron Lady,” actress Meryl Streep poses backstage in the press room with her Golden Globe Award at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA on Sunday, January 15, 2012.Meryl takes the Golden Globe for her portrayal of Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady, wearing vintage Dale Evans


Meryl’s cowboy-inspired frock and Annie Oakley ponytail, combined with the skirt-bustle  appeared to be some kind of homage to a previous Americana fin de si├Ęcle. I don’t recall Lady M sporting this exact look butt I think she would like it. Margaret Thatcher on the other hand wouldn’t be caught dead in it.

And finally: the night’s Best Dressed award goes to Angelina Jolie, who you may recall visited the Big White just last week:

angelinaThat’s Val-Jar she’s swapping campaign notes and fashion tips with

And here she is at the Golden Globes, looking well, FABULOUS!


Holly crap! Do you have any idea how hard it is to look that good in unforgiving white silk charmeuse? A perfect 10 except for the bar code tats and knobby knees.

jolie tat

“Know your Rights”? Right #1: You have the right to act stupidly.

Which explains a lot, if you think about it. So that’s it from Hollywood reporter for another year. Or at least until Sundance.


P.S.  I don’t want you to think I’m shirking my duties in order to dabble in the faux arts of Hollywood, I know Big Guy and Lady M spent all yesterday sacrificin’ in honor of Martin Luther King day, which has obviously been promoted from just a National Holiday to another National Day of Service. At the rate we’re going, soon Christmas will be a National Day of Service too.


Servicing the American people, one paint-by-number Dream and Scheme at a time. 

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