Friday, January 20, 2012

Buy Won, Get Won Free!

Yesterday was a pretty slow news day, unless you’re an R-word. In which case you were probably interested to hear that Rick Perry dropped out of the race, Rick Santorum won Iowa and Newt is apparently a swinger! Who knew?

Then on to the R-word debate, where the first question was to Newt, asking for his comment on his ex-wife’s allegation that he was, indeed, a swinger. So boys, what did you expect from CNN? Softballs?

Regardless of it’s velocity, Newt hit that one out of the park: “I’m tired of the elite media protecting Barack Obama by attacking Republicans.”

situation roo poster

“Yeah, Houston, this is the RNC: we have a situation here.”

The latest debate left many to ponder, as Charles Hurt put it: “why Republicans keep allowing the various Communist, leftist and otherwise anti-American TV networks to host GOP debates.”

           matthews LAWRENCE_ODONNELL_2

The Ms.NBC smug ones

sawyer state dinnerLady Diane at State Dinner last summer

Meanwhile, out of the fray, Big Guy was wrapping up a big day of official business in Florida (battleground state) by announcing his new executive order to increase tourism. I didn’t think you could actually do that: order an increase in tourism I mean. Butt it should make a lot of people happy. Especially those who haven’t been able to afford a vacation in years now.

bkeyser BO disneylandChanneling his inner Mickey, Big Guy and TOTUS announce new executive order requiring tourists to visit the Magic Kingdom. BKeyser via Blonde Gator

Then BO flew into New York for a series of intimate events. Two at the  Daniel restaurant (pre-dinner for the not quite so rich, dinner for the very rich), followed by one at the Apollo Theatre (where the top seats went for $25,000) and one at Spike Lee’s swanky Upper East Side brownstone for $30,800.

So, lest there be any confusion about our number Won jobs priority going forward: it’s fundraising. Because being president is Job One! And it’s going to take a lot of money to ensure we achieve our top priority. Yesterday helped; we hauled down a cool $3.1 million - not bad for a day’s “work.” 

Butt we have a lot more work to do, as our billion dollar man campaign appears to be falling a bit short. In order to achieve our objective, Big Guy and Lady M need to raise $87 million every month between now and the end of the campaign trail.

first-lady-michelle-obama-obama-08-campaign-photo-468x538We’ll be rollin’ out our secret weapon again: Lady M!

So it’s going to be a very exciting year!

Our newest fundraising plans include a new marketing campaign geared towards the filthy rich, because, well, that’s where the money is. I’m calling this campaign our Buy Won, Get Won Free program:

Eager to widen its donor base, the Obama campaign is using its team of top fundraisers and donors to distribute marketing materials to thousands of potential top-dollar donors across the nation. Those who donate $5,000 …will gain a stream of perks large and small, sources said.

The benefits could include free entry to campaign fundraisers featuring the President, access to strategy sessions at headquarters, and pizza parties at the homes of supporters to watch upcoming voting contests to pick the Republican candidate challenging Obama for the White House in 2012.

Wow! Our fundraising guys are real professionals. And speaking of professionals, did you hear BO crooning to his fans at the Apollo? He practiced for a month with his Hollywood voice coach in order to squeeze these 5 notes out somewhere in key:

'Those guys didn't think I would do it. I told you I was gonna do it.'

So next time Big Guy tells us he’s going to do something, maybe we should all pay a little more attention.


Auto-tuned tax policy

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