Saturday, June 12, 2010

Butt Kickers

After our triumphant Jackie O moment at the high school graduation Friday morning, for some inexplicable reason we changed our clothes to head over to the Big Labor Department. We just stopped by to mark the 90th anniversary of the establishment of the Women’s bureau, what ever that is.  MO seemed to have a better handle on it, commenting that “even after 90 years of hard work, we’ve still got a long way to go.”

Not that we haven’t come a long way, baby, but after checking out this tangerine dream, you’ll probably agree with her remarks.

FireShot- For a refreshing change of pace all of our accessories matched.

dept labor squirting flower pin

FireShot- OJ flats

  orange-aid adorable child-propmatching fans

How did this innocent little pawn know about the secret color code? Some one must have tweeted it out. When we locate the source of the leak, you better believe we’re gonna plug it.

Lady M also shared this earth shattering news with the Big Labor crowd:

Still, she said women who choose to both work and have families still face a “daily juggling act” in the struggle to balance their obligations.

“They feel like they’re burning the candle at both ends and at the middle,”

Which was helpful information for all the women in the audience, who’ve been wondering why they were so tired all the time.

Later in her remarks, she quoted an early bulletin from the Women’s Bureau which read in part “America will be as strong as her women.”

We can only hope so.


CarlyFiorina_3 nikkihaley


Maybe Big Guy should call a meeting with this group of ladies. I’m betting they could tell him whose butt to kick. And show him a thing or two about how to go about it.

Friday, June 11, 2010

MO Jackie, Less Gaga

So I think you will all be pleased with my new software upgrade the “Jackie O-Pack”. I didn’t think Toes would approve my requisition, so I fudged a little. I left off the “Jackie” part.

Anyway, I got the Jackie O-Pack and voila, baby blue sheath dress, covering 94% of the knee, a nice bob wig, double strand pearls, discreet earrings pumps and wedding ring. That’s it. Really.

We rolled out our new software for Lady M’s Commencement speech at Anacostia Senior High today. In addition to my new software, Lady M also got to use TOTUS.

FireShot capture #066 - 'PicApp Search results for michelle obama' - www_picapp_com_search_aspx_term=michelle%20obama&pageNum=0&cats=

Don’t worry, MO isn’t saying the Pledge of Allegiance. We’ve been looking at recent polls and she’s not that proud of her country right now. She’s actually teaching the kids how to pat themselves on the back, just like she taught Big Guy. But that’s not the story here.

The Jackie O-Pack works like a charm, don’t you think?


Mostly. . .

FireShot capture #064 - 'PicApp Search results for michelle obama' - www_picapp_com_search_aspx_term=michelle%20obama&pageNum=0&cats=

Aside from needing to get to the salad bar and gym, I think this is a complete success.


We even have relatively lady-like knees while seated!

I’m not going to try and fool anyone that this is the answer to all my problems. It is a MAJOR improvement over my last software, butt it still has some bugs:

2010-06-11-michelleobamaanacostiaco FireShot capture #064 - 'PicApp Search results for michelle obama' - www_picapp_com_search_aspx_term=michelle%20obama&pageNum=0&cats=

Raj will be installing some tweeks tonight including a “shadow compensation driver”, an experimental “tummy-tuckerator” and a “pantie-line eraser.” I’m excited and anxious to see how things go tomorrow.

Mamas, Please Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys

Day 53: Big Guy’s still not resting.

Lady M is still recuperating from her cold, which she’s been bravely fighting since Tuesday when she helped pack healthy lifestyle snack bags for the DC kids with fat behinds.  (Don’t worry, she used hand sanitizer.)

june8-2 Lady M packin’ healthy snacks in her Pippi Longstockings

Then later that same day, and still suffering from the sniffles, she managed to put in a brief appearance at the Congressional Picnic to enjoy some smoked salmon and Chicago style dogs before taking to her bed again. She said it was just a rebound of her cold, but I think it was those Chicago style dogs she enjoyed so much at the picnic.



Here are the official requirements for a Chicago style hot dog: 1) yellow mustard, 2) hot peppers, 3) neon green sweet relish, 4) dill pickle, 5) tomatoes, 6) onions, 7) celery seed. Oh, and a hot dog – Vienna beef. On a poppy seed bun. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

The Chicago Hot Dogs were a big hit at first, but later on they began to give everyone indigestion.

The Chicago hot dog posse:

Was2128551 Rhambo “Silver Balls”

val and desiValarie and Desi


   The undertakers

  Oh bama The Cerebral Wonsnow think   Does this help  explain “Chicago style” a little better?

Meanwhile Big Guy will be busy not resting until the damn hole is plugged. Right now he’s just waiting for someone to request a waiver of the Jones Act so he can allow the foreign ships that have volunteered to help with the cleanup and recovery into the region. But so far: no one has asked. Can you believe it?  Maybe I should give George W. Bush a call. During his Hurricane Katrina, he just went ahead and waived the Jones Act all by himself, without waiting for anyone to ask. What a cowboy. Maybe he can ask Big Guy for a waiver.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

R Prez: ‘Sum Fresh Tracks Been Layin’ Down

Have you heard about Big Guy’s Rap video? Everyone around here has been told to deny it, because it certainly isn’t true. And all we need is plausible deniability that the MSM will run with. So Big Guy produced a receipt proving that he was in Chicago registering voters for the upcoming election on the date the video was being shot Atlanta.

Isn’t this totally amazing? That Big Guy keeps 1993 receipts from Domino’s but can’t seem to locate his birth certificate?

Anyway, as you can see here, this whopper has now been whacked.

And that pile of snow didn’t belong to him either.


I don’t think the guy in the video looks that much like Big Guy anyway –  at least not since his nose job. And I’m not talking smack.

barack-obama nose reagan-obama-16089765564_xlarge

“Just a little off the top and sides”


And I already know what your next question is: “ So, did Lady M get  a nose job too, on the 2-for-1 special?

Official answer: absolutely not.


She went for the full machine-grooming.


But you didn’t hear that from me.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Cripes! Someone Didn’t Take Their Meds

Suzette!  What a helpful visual of how the Won is handling the Big Spill!

In case any of you haven’t visited Cripes Suzette! today, and I can’t believe you haven’t been there already, go over and see what happens when Suz forgets to take her morning meds.

bo and bo (click pic to enlarge)

Don’t worry, Sweetie, I’ll make sure Lady M’s computer blocks this. No prob with Big Guy: our historic high-tech President only uses his Blackberry for texting Rahmbo and still thinks that to turn his computer on he has to turn it upside down and shake it. Which is really to much trouble when you are constantly busy finding someone’s ass to kick.

When Snarks Attack 7: The Winner

The polls are closed, the results are in and it was “Ladies Night”! Here, in the biggest, most important contest of this first “Super Tuesday” of 2010 the winner is :


Joining PortiaElizabeth in the winner’s circle, but without the coveted Golden FLOTUS, are: Republican winners Carly Fiorina, Meg Whitman, Sharron Angle, Nikki Haley and Democrat Blanche Lincoln, Congratulations ladies!

Congratulations PortiaElizabeth!!! You have won the fame and ovation of millions of MOLs and FOMs around the world and a permanent place in my Snark Hall of Fame.

PortiaElizabeth’s winning snark: “I don't know about the rest of you, but I sit up and take notice when Al Franken and Jeanene Garafolo shake their fingers at me. And then I return the favor with a helpful hand gesture of my own.” carried the day and achieved snark immortality.

The cherished Golden FLOTUS is now yours forever, to use and display as you wish.

Portia ElizabethGF-final

It was a tight race with over 3 million votes cast. PortiaElizabeth Took the lead early Tuesday and held it to the end, beating back a possible runoff with Suzette. Congratulations to srdem on her decision to withdraw from the election and accept a generous “unpaid advisory” position. Toes will be in touch. Finally, congratulations to all the “runners up” and all my loyal, snarky MOLs and MODs. You are all winners in my book, even if you don’t all get a statue.

For the record, the final vote count was certified by Toes after review of the audited results by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe. The results (rounded to the nearest thousand) were as follows:

  1. PortiaElizabeth – 540,000
  2. Suzette – 500,000
  3. MJ – 480,000
  4. Moright – 280,000
  5. Madame De Farge – 220,000
  6. Labwriter / Sine Qua Non – 190,000 / 190,000
  7. Florida Girl – 180,000
  8. bettyann – 140,000
  9. Don Rodrigo – 130,000
  10. Janice / srdem65 – 120,000 / 120,000
  11. Cinderella – 90,000

Wag the Dog


Day 50 of the Gulf Oil Disaster (GOD) and still, we didn’t rest. A party! 

What? Another party? Aren’t we supposed to be kicking ass and plugging the damn hole? Well, maybe we’ll let the people take care of that at the polls on Super Tuesday. Meantime, we’ve got the Congressional Picnic to attend. And little Bo had to take big BO for a walk.

dog walks manI’m in charge here!


I’ve got the reins, don’t worry !






610x I said heel, Big Guy

Lady M had adequately recuperated from her post-traumatic compression disorder so she was able to attend too. And we finally found an appropriate occasion for one of our million sundresses.

picnic bangles


picnic bangles

Bracelet representing all of the major races: black, white, brown and silver. All multi-culti pearls.






picnic walkin on air Look! Lady M is light as air! We’re trying water next.

Exec chef Jason Stoller Smith – how many chef’s do you know with 3 names? – prepared smoked salmon to serve the Congressional delegation. There were some rumblings about hot dogs being easier, cheaper and more appropriate, but no one around here takes Glenn Beck seriously.

jason stoller smith 21 salmon salute Chef prepares the 21-salmon salute

Party-On! Next scheduled event is a Tea Party.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Express Your Bad Self

"I don't sit around just talking to experts because this is a college seminar, we talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick."         Barack Obama to Matt Lauer, Today Show, June 7

 onthejob lookin for ass to kick Lookin’ for ass to kick since May 2, 2010

Because that’s more important than plugging the damn hole.

While Lady M spent yesterday recuperating from hyper-compression disorder, Big Guy was busy talking to Morning News talk show host and PBS game show participant, Matt Lauer.

Later Big Guy went to Kalamazoo for the K-zoo Central High School graduation. That’s about 200 miles from Motown. There was no ass-kicking there. There’s no one’s ass left in Michigan that hasn’t already been kicked by Big Guy.

ass to kick Don’t even think about it, she’s just another innocent little pawn

You might think Kalamazoo is a funny place for Big Guy to go for a graduation, but in fact many famous people have passed through K-zoo, as the locals call it. Even Johnny Cash, although to be fair, he’s been everywhere:

I've been everywhere, man.
I've been everywhere, man.
Crossed the deserts bare, man.
I've breathed the mountain air, man.
Of travel I've had my share, man.
I've been everywhere.
I've been to:
Pittsburgh, Parkersburg, Gravelbourg, Colorado,
Ellisburg, Rexburg, Vicksburg, Eldorado,
Larimore, Admore, Haverstraw, Chatanika,
Chaska, Nebraska, Alaska, Opelika,
Baraboo, Waterloo, Kalamazoo, Kansas City,
Sioux City, Cedar City, Dodge City, what a pity.

Butt seriously, if it would make BO feel better just to kick someone’s ass, I could make some suggestions.

Laura-Kaneko-and-Michelle-Obama annual alfalfa dinner  o9 ikidyounot fistbumpingdwarfs




This last one would require special anatomical dexterity, butt if he can pull it off, I’ll bet he’d feel better.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Jiffy Pop Girls & Bloggergeddon


It looks like we’re intermittently back on-line, but we don’t know for how long. I’m glad to see that one of my posts slipped through the ether. Bruno’s investigation continues. I hope my fingerprints (so to speak) aren’t on this.The mysterious outage affecting Google Blogger started last night as I was attempting to post pictures from our Ford Theater music celebration late-night working session. I know I was violating the embargo negotiated with ABC for the rights to broadcast the event as part of their 4th of July Celebration on the 2nd of July, but I think that shutting down Blogger is a bit of an overreaction.

In any event, I apologize to all my New Media colleagues who are affected by Lady M’s SS storm troopers response to my mistake.

I did had some goodies for you to enjoy last night. I hope you still can enjoy them tonight:

leaning forward to silently squeeze a mouse100% Organic Jiffy-Pop Girls popped fresh for the Show

The silver streak is from Reynolds Wrap’s “Jiffy-Pop Collection” featured in his Paris runway show this spring. I don’t think NASA could have created anything more fashion forward.

It could have been the SS jamming my signals, the newly active sun spots, my incomplete system recharge or all that tin foil, butt whatever it was, I am soooo sorry for this outfit!

Big Guy seemed a bit out of sorts. Maybe because Helen Thomas had been trying to get a hold of him all day. Something about Secret Service protection and a bag of money. Not sure, but I don’t think Toes let her talk to him. Anyway, by the time we left he was complaining of stomach pains.

60663991 “SBD”?

I’m sure Berry felt he got away with one, but the poor guy sitting next to him …whew!

arsinio hoot


How many times does Lady M have to tell Big Guy to save the “Arsenio hoots” for movie nights at the Big White theater with Joey B and Gibbsy?

where is TOTUS Are You Listening to Yourself? Moron!

We couldn’t bring TOTUS to the performance so Big Guy had to “wing it.” That always means it’s going to take 10 times longer than appropriate. But between the winging it and the dyspepsia, he forgot to mention that yesterday was D-Day. But it’s not like it’s really important, like Jay-Z Day, or anything.

I really hope this Blogger outage is over soon, and that Bruno’s investigation into a potential “Mirror-caused Disaster” exonerates me.  Everybody on Blogger is affected and a really big thread of complainers has developed. The best suggestion to Blogger for resolution came from the blogprof at 7:17AM: "Plug the damn hole!"

That’s always good advice, blogprof. Maybe you can help stop Big Guy’s oil leak too.

The Silver Streak: Unsafe at Any Speed-O

Ms bow-dangles Mrs. BOw Dangles

Well, another weekend and that damn hole is still not plugged.

But we’ve not been resting. As you’ll see, we’ve been working diligently on establishing our New Won World Order.

Sunday afternoon we hosted a reception at the Big White to honor the historic Ford’s Theatre. Apparently - and much to the Won’s surprise - there WAS history before his first historic Administration!

Later we went to the actual historic theatre for another concert and show. Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was actually assassinated at the Ford’s Theatre? Neither did Big Guy! He must have been working on the Harvard Law Review the day they covered that.

We struck a deal with ABC to broadcast the whole show as a July 4th special which will be, inexplicably, aired on July 2nd. First we changed the date of Washington’s and Lincoln’s Birthdays, then Memorial Day and now this? Is nothing sacred around here any more? Other than Kobe beef, I mean?


The show was yet another star-struck event: Ty Burrell, Kelly Clarkson,  Renée Fleming, George Lopez, Lionel Richie, Robin Roberts, Dick Van Dyke and, oh yeah, The Soldiers' Chorus of the United States Army Field Band –because we’re celebrating the 4th of July. On June 6th - or July 2nd… even I’m confused now.


Kelly arrives at Ford’s. I see we’re doing the pudge again this season.

silver streak The Silver Streak: Unsafe at any speed-O 

There will be prizes awarded at the performance: The Lincoln Medal will be awarded to South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu and to South African Constitutional Court Justice Albie Sachs. After Sir Pall’s award last week you might think that we’re running out of Americans deserving of receiving our awards, but really, that’s not it. It’s just that in order to implement our New Won World Order we must exhibit a willingness to buy their votes too.

Whew! Big Guy finally found something that he agrees with George W.Bush on: this governing stuff is hard!

rearviewDesigner concept: unclear

Sunday, June 6, 2010

When Snarks Attack: 7

It’s June, so that must mean it’s time for the May edition of my world famous When Snarks Attack competition!

Once again, my super-secret nominating committee had a hard time narrowing the mountain of snarks to fit the ballot. This month, we are offering up for your consideration a baker’s dozen of the snarkiest snarks. So, without further adieu, and in alphabetical order, here are your May 2010 When Snarks Attack: 7 nominees for the coveted Golden FLOTUS:

When Snarks Attack-7 Nominees

May, 2010

(comments may be edited by moi)

1. bettyann: "Tyrants of the World: a Member’s Only Club"

“. . . that pin looks like something my sea cucumber vomits to keep the cleaner shrimp busy. . .”

2. Cinderella: "Fashionista Rip Off"


WTH is that thing sitting on Christina Hendrick's shoulder? A dead animal? A tumor? Something the designer picked from the a trash can behind an autopsy lab? What is it?”

3. Don Rodrigo: "Big Food, Big Prints"

“Fascinating, the dynamics of the Fashionista, whether that be Michelle Antoinette herself, or Sarah Jessica Cyranose:
Half the time they look passably elegant, and the other half of the time they look like freakin' circus clowns.”

4. Florida Girl: "Tyrants of the World: a Member’s Only Club"

“Demi-tyrant has Buddha belly. Tyrant is twice as tall with Buddha bottom!!!!!”

5. Janice: "Hemlines: They’re a lot like borders"

“. . . It is called proctocraniology. In other words, her head is shoved so far up her ass, she can't help but make those faces.”

6. Labwriter: "Moles, Polls and Controlled Fat Rolls"

“I'd rather have a mammogram than wear that blue dress.”

7. Madame DeFarge: "Primer Fiesta Mexicano Histórico"

“Gosh, MOTUS! Serving Mexican food to Mexicans...seems a bit like carrying coals to Newcastle. . .”

8. MJ: "Butt Out (Special TGIF bonus post)

“If I throw a stick, will they leave?”

9. Moright: "Clarabell vs Ronald McDonald: 9th Circus Court of ...

“And so the grim Socialists took the Happy out of Happy Meals. Their plan to eradicate all joy remains on track. . .”

10. PortiaElizabeth: "Monday Morning Food Fight"

“I don't know about the rest of you, but I sit up and take notice when Al Franken and Jeanene Garafolo shake their fingers at me. And then I return the favor with a helpful hand gesture of my own.”

11. Sine Qua Non: "Are We Having Fun Yet?"

“And The Won is beaming with excitement at the thought of sneaking plenty of cigs on the family back porch.
Ooops, given Mo-Mo's growing assets, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned a "back porch." My bad.”

12. srdem65: "Revving Up for Motown"

“I'm hoping that it's not my fault...I usually turn my keyboard upside-down every morning and shake out any lurking trolls but, you know...a senior moment or two and I forget. Sorry”

13. Suzette: "Potty Break Posting"

“I just love how she always has some kind of theme going on. This time, she looks like someone Kirk would fall in love with when he beams down to a planet full of shiny blue women with tails.”

Congratulations to this month’s nominees! The polls will remain open until 11:59PM, Tuesday, June 8, or until ordered to do so by a Court of Controlling Legal Authority. As always, Chicago rules apply. So, vote early and vote often. Pander to your base and get the vote out!

May the best snark win, or at least be offered an important, but unpaid advisory position, to drop out of the running!

Soak the Rich

Boy, are Lady M and Big Guy ever cranked.

Apparently Joey B and Dr. Jill threw a party on Saturday and didn’t even invite POTUS and FLOTUS. Tacky, since Smootie has invited the Bees to almost every big party that we’ve ever had here.

Joey and Jill invited mostly relatives, staff and - of course – the press. I think they just assumed Big Guy would be busy plugging that damn hole.

But it sure looks like it would have been fun.

rahmbo and uzi

Rahmbo brought his uzi back with him from the Holy Land and uses it to attack the big mouth press corp(se) who has now decided that Israel is the Great Satan.

joey Joey is gunned down by a Palestinian peace activist.


Yikes, I sure hope that’s a water gun that the young manneken pis is brandishing.

Frankly I’m glad we weren’t invited. All that moisture tends to give me sudden system freeze-ups for days after wards. But that’s beside the point. All I can say is don’t expect an invitation to our next party either, Dr. Jill and Joey.