Working through the weekend so we can take Monday off

Okay, here’s a rundown on what we have on Romney so far:

He abuses dogs by putting them in a car roof kennel,

h/t Blonde Gator

He’s a bully who gives haircuts to innocent, unsuspecting victims (allegedly there’s a 50 year history, although the only documented incident occurred in 1965)

Not the mullet Mitt scalped, butt it could have been.

He’s an evil, rich white vampire who uses private equity capital to, well let’s have CNN’s Christine Romans explain:

“It's rich investors, wealthy people who pool their money together to invest in companies. Anything that can make them money." It's about making money! Often they zero in on failing companies. The private money comes in and restructures, sells divisions, closes failing parts, and reaps the benefits from the good parts.”

That’s pure evil - getting rid of the bad parts of a failing company; people are going to lose their jobs!  I’m surprised that’s even legal anymore.

We’re still looking for more mud unfair, insensitive, anti-woman, anti-minority, pro-rich capitalist pig behavior to accuse Romney of, butt so far this is all we’ve got to work with.

You know how that dog story worked out.

The Big Brains in campaign central intended to run full-bore on the haircut and Evil Equity Capitalist meme, butt it looks like some of them are starting to worry about it boomeranging the same the way the dog house story did.

Apparently there are grounds for concern. For example, remember when Big Guy used other people’s money to buy some car companies? Turns out they, too, “restructured, sold divisions, closed failing parts and reaped the benefits from the good parts.” In fact, they even closed down a “whole bunch of” parts that weren’t failing! Although mostly they were dealerships owned by R-words who didn’t contribute to the HOPE and CHANGE effort, so no biggy.

And besides, it’s a little like comparing apples and pineapples, since Big Guy didn’t use rich people’s money, he used yours. Butt the good news is, he’ll subsidize your purchase of one of his Volts with money he, well, got from you in the first place.

We recommend parking your Volt in the driveway.

Better yet, on the street.

Anyway, here’s the embarrassing part: it appears that Big Guy has also been accused of being a bully himself. Some critics claim he bullied a bunch of the bondholders back when he was occupying nationalizing bailing out GM and Chrysler so he could give them to his union buddies they could survive. The hazing incidents ended with all the bond holders getting not just a haircut, butt a Elizabeth Warren style, Cherokee scalping. (Again, some people claimed that was illegal, butt apparently not.)

h/t A.M.

And if it ended there, we might be out of the woods. Unfortunately some of those same critics are now pointing to the way Big Guy has invested other people’s money in our green energy programs. Wow! It looks like our Greenies have sent more employees to the unemployment line than all those vulture capitalist companies that were restructured by the vampire. Bain’s success rate at turning failing companies around is about 80%. On the other hand the successful green energy companies that Big Guy invested our money in have a failure rate of about 80%. Butt again, at least he wasn’t wasting rich people’s money.

Boy, this campaigning stuff is whole lot harder than it was last time around. So it looks like the whole Big Brained reelection team will be working right through the holiday weekend, trying to come up with a new strategy. I don’t know much more about the plan, other than they’re working out of what they call the “Choom-Choom Room” and by all accounts they’re burning up the joint. So I think we can expect new and exciting things from the campaign next week!

Oh, and by the way - Big Guy is signing up new campaign workers for the tough fight ahead.

O-tay! I’ll put you down for my apple team, Luz. Do you have any older brothers who might want to join my pineapple team?

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He who makes the rules…takes the gold

Or is it the other way around: He who takes the gold, makes the rules? I always get that mixed up.

The golden rule of governmental accounting: He who has the gold, makes the rules

OK, now I get it – we’re playing by government rules. It’s like Chicago rules only better.

Here’s all you need to know: if generally accepted accounting principles (GAAP) were good enough for government work, we wouldn’t have had to invent generally accepted government accounting principles (GAGAP). But you already knew that your government operates by it’s own rules, didn’t you?

Anyway, in case you were wondering why you’re just now hearing that the national deficit is actually 6 times higher than previously reported, it’s because of the golden rule. Using these special government rules, we don’t have to count liabilities for future pension costs. Isn’t that special? Of course, regular companies can’t get away with that. In fact if any company listed on Wall Street tried to pull that trick, someone would go to jail.

Here’s the benefit to government rules: all that money that we collect to pay for your future Social Security pension? We get to spend it! That’s right, it’s like getting to spend our tax revenues twice! Who wouldn’t sign onto a deal like that?  So instead of having to put our Social Security funds into a lock box to grow and to pay for future obligations, we can use it to get other “stuff done” - like propping up failing green energy companies, and providing coeds with contraceptives.

            

That is so cool! I l never thought I’d say this, butt I accounting!

So I’m starting to think: there are probably “a whole lot of” other uses we could put these special accounting rules to use on. Take our car company for example: if we just deemed Big Guy’s car company as an official government owned car company, they wouldn’t have to be burdened with all those pesky (and very expensive) union pension commitments anymore either!

Wow! That’s the sort of thinking that might just earn me an invitation to join Big Guy’s exclusive club of Big Brained coyotes.

Along the same lines, you might have seen that Big Guy has grabbed the reins of fiscal responsibility and now he’s busy cleaning up after all the reckless spending by the Republicans.

“I don’t know how they've been bamboozling folks into thinking that they are the responsible, fiscally-disciplined party. They run up these wild debts and then when we take over we have to clean it up,”

And he’s bragging about his fiscal control and restraint, basking in the glow of being hailed “the most fiscally moderate president we’ve had in 60 years.”

Of course, there will always be nay-sayers out there (mostly R-words), questioning the accuracy of these allegations:

The flawed economic assumptions used to sell Mr. Obama’s programs were a bait-and-switch that left America mired in unsustainable levels of debt. It’s incredible that Mr. Obama believes he can get away with such a big lie. He seems simply to have lost his grip on reality.

While others like Charles Krauthammer just come right out and call Big Guy a liar, which I think is racist – calling a spade a spade like that:

“"This is an unbelievable distortion of the truth…”

If an administration starts with the largest stimulus spending bill in galactic history, it obviously is not cost-cutting administration,"

Apparently none of these smarty pants know anything about the gold standard of golden rules with respect to GAGAP. In order to achieve these golden results we first had to apply some of our golden accounting rules which allowed us to waive  the trillion dollar stimulus spending that occurred during the first 9 months of 2009, and accrue it instead back to 2008 – therefore making this whole mess Bush’s fault like we’ve been telling you all along.

Oh, and in order to get to the awesome result of the most fiscally responsible Prezzy in 60 years we also had to add in our projected “savings” that, well, frankly haven’t and aren’t going to materialize. Butt according to the government golden rule, that doesn’t mean we can’t count them. Note: the Big White Big Brained lawyers require me to post the following message – Past performance is no guarantee of future results.

Butt hey! Enough of this serious Washington business. I know you’ve all been begging for a glimpse at a full length view of the fabulous Naeem Khan frock that Lady M wore to this year’s Correspondence Dinner. So, since we’re headed into Memorial Day let’s get this over with so you can enjoy the rest of your weekend.

CAUTION: Do Not Scroll Beyond This Point Until Your Mouth Is Empty:

 

h/t MP

So much awkwardness on display here I don’t know where to start. Let’s just move on to the big, and I do mean big, reveal:

Before and after: it looks like conceptually Naeem was thinking more along the lines of a waterfall than an apron/bustle. Butt as we all know, the gap between concept and execution is sometimes huge.

Remember: sometimes past performance is a guarantee of future results

Oh and I almost forgot, today’s four words: Forward BarackObama dot Com

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and Injainjuneer on Weasel Zippers, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, Thanks!

If Fuzzy Wuzzy was Prezzy he’d “do something different.”

Four Words: Fuzzy Logic all around

The Wons’ grueling campaign schedule continued…

Three fund raising events for Big Guy, plus the Air Force Academy commencement speech, yesterday.

And one for Lady M in Cleveland where she greeted the little people who worked diligently last time around to make sure that everyone had a chance to vote, at least once.

Lady M reaches out to touch the little people who made the magic happen in ‘08

 

A new summery campaign frock in lavender and honey tones

Does she remind you of anyone?

Me neither

She reminded BO’s supporters why it was so important for them to help ensure her husband’s reelection: because Big Guy stands for social justice, fairness for all in everything from education to income. Oh, and gay marriage. While the R-word candidate wants racial profiling, poor kids to get a bad education, women to have to pay for their own contraceptives and gays to be deported along with the illegal aliens. Oh, and did I mention tax cuts only for the rich?

"We're doing this not because we want to win an election -- and we do," the first lady said. "We're doing this because we want our children ... to go to good schools, right?"

"our troops no longer have to lie about who they are to serve the country they love because Barack ended Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

So you’ve got that, right? More money for education, and no more having to lie about who you are:

“Be fair, don’t bogart that doobie, dude”

Because Big Guy is starting to look a tad tired and worn out with all his hard work lately, the NYT did their part to give him a little boost by running a nice warm and fuzzy story to shift your gaze back to where it belongs:

As a candidate and as president, Mr. Obama has avoided discussing race except in rare instances when he seemed to have little choice — responding to the racially incendiary words of his former pastor, for example, or to the fatal shooting of an unarmed black teenager in Florida.

And then they ran this iconic photo of the adorable little boy, rubbing Big Guy’s head to see if it felt like his own nappy (can I say that?) hair, or, maybe, just for “good luck”:

Fuzzy like me

It did,feel just like his. Butt what Jacob’s older brother Isaac (both proud sons of a Marine) wanted to know from Big Guy was why he had eliminated the F-22 fighter jet, that Isaac had planned to fly some day. “Because it was too expensive” was Big Guy’s answer. So don’t tell me we aren’t fiscally responsible around here!

Anyway, that photo always reminds me of of one of my favorite poems:

Fuzzy Wuzzy
Was a bear

Fuzzy Wuzzy
Had no hair

Big Guy consults with his economic advisor, Harvey the Rabbit

Fuzzy Wuzzy
Wasn't fuzzy, was he?

If Bo had a dog, he’d feel just like this

So, I think we’ve established that Big Guy’s hair is fuzzy, and so is his logic, butt not fuzzy like Fuzzy Slippers’ Fuzzy Logic, fuzzy in a liberal way. It’s all the rage in some circles.

Big Guy’s Administration: Proud purveyor of fuzzy logic since 2008

Here’s a few of Big Guy’s remarks from yesterday morning at the San Jose fundraiser:

Why is he still peddling the same bad ideas I wonder?

“Most good business people I know, if something doesn’t work, they do something different.”

Like for example, if your first trillion dollar stimulus doesn’t do anything to stimulate the economy, they’d probably try something different…like another stimulus package? Only  bigger? See the difference?

"Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits."

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, and MRM on twitter, Thanks!

Hammering Out Our VP Pick

Four words: “that’s almost ridiculously cool”

Boy there’s a whole lot of hatin’ going on out there this week:

• An ugly War on Women in South Carolina
• More unprosecuted hate crimes at McDonald’s in Denver
• And another political hate crime in New Hampshire.

That’s right, Joey B. He’s done hatin’ on investment capitalists now that it appears that dog don’t hunt. And Big Guy has decided to have it both ways in order to keep some of that private equity rolling into the campaign coffers.

So now Joey’s moved on to hatin’ on plumbers and the Tea Party. That’s right, he’s discovered the real cause of the economy’s failure to thrive: 

Vice President Joe Biden admitted to a group of supporters in New Hampshire this afternoon that the President would have been able help the economy "much, more" if the Tea Party hadn't taken the House.

Biden showed the audience the Obama campaigns chart of job growth during the President's first term in office and accused the Tea Party for stalling the recovery, because of the debt limit fight.

"Imagine where we'd be if the Tea Party hadn't taken control of the House of Representatives," Biden said adding that they were "a group set on obstructionism."

Yes, just imagine where we’d be:

 

Butt good news! I see we’re running a new contest, although I had to find out about it from Raj. I don’t know why I wasn’t included on the invitation list. The only thing I can imagine is that some of the Clinton’s are still mad about that cankle thing.

As you can see, I had to edit the copy to get rid of 9 inches of white space between the end of the message and the new message that our crackerjack attorney's have just recently figured out we are required to bury add to the bottom of our invitation to participate in our lottery.

Seriously. Good luck. Dude.

Arsenio, the newest celebrity apprentice with Big Dawg. Now that’s almost ridiculously cool!

This of course can only mean one thing: Hilz is in! For the VP slot I mean.

There’s no other explanation.

I don’t think that’s going to set very well with Queen #1 who - as a rule – doesn’t  mind “joining forces” with Dr. Jilly’s skinny little butt in her military family pandering support and her patented No Child’s Fat Behind ® efforts.

Butt everything will be different if Bill becomes our VP spouse.

For one thing, everyone knows what an attention hog he is.

For example, he’s already suggested  rebranding the No Child’s Fat Behind ® to the Clinton Global Health Initiative – because of the name recognition.

On the upside though, Bill will be around for those times when Big Guy has an important golf date, or just doesn’t feel like he can handle one more problem. With Bill in the Vice-Presidential spouse slot, Bo can leave any time he feels like it needs to, knowing he’s left the world in good hands.

               

           

Not always something he can do with Joey B:

OK, I think I’ve got it: we were against gay marriage before we were for it?

And while normally Lady M would object to sharing her co-presidency with not just one, butt two Clintons, I suppose there could be mitigating factors.

“I feel your pain darlin’ and I can make it go away.”

So your guess is as good as mine as to how this is going to work out.

Oh and Joey B? Don’t worry. He’s already got another gig lined up.

Hi welcome to Home Depot! Can I help you find anything? How about a hammer?

Linked By: Blonde on News Busters, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, Thanks!

Bad Hare Day

Four Words: Miss Manners for Dummies

First, Vladimir cancelled his G-8 dinner date with Big Guy with the unlikely excuse that he had to stay home and wash his hair.

My hare’s bigger than your hare

Then, the junior G-8 member, Francois Hollande, decides to just completely skip Big Guy’s historic read speech to NATO yesterday!

Boy, what ever happened to good manners? When did world leaders become so boorish, rude and dismissive?

   

Apparently common decency is a thing of the past:

The new standards seem to be a bit more lax relaxed.

And frankly, tribal custom is no replacement for proper international protocol.

 Indian givers take their own gifts back, they don’t return gifts from others.

Anyway, I’m sure that Francois’ diss was in no way related to Lady M showing up le Rottweiler on Sunday at the gardening center. Because after all, even though Val’s dress was less than flattering;

she still exuded tons of French charm:

Besides, I find it very hard to believe that a Socialist world leader would be so petty.

I mean, that would definitely not be presidential, would it?

The Obamas turn up in Paris this evening, but have declined a dinner invitation from the couple next door: the Sarkozys.

President Obama’s reluctance to spend more than minimum time with the French leader on his visit for the D-Day anniversary has come as an embarrassment to the Elysée Palace.

Unless of course, you have already made previous plans with your wife for date night in the City of Lights.

Anyway everyone, most especially Rhambo, is greatly relieved that the NATO summit is over and there wasn’t any window smashing along the miracle mile. Of course we did have to call in a few of Chicago’s finest to keep the order.

And they really don’t take a lot of crap from anybody. Just ask Bill Ayers.

So I think overall the NATO meeting can be deemed a huge success. As usual, they didn’t “get a lot of stuff done”, butt they didn’t trash the city, giving Chicago a black eye, so that’s considered a big WIN for Big Guy. So thanks Rahm, you can stick around for another term as big city boss.

As for Big Guy, well it looks like the competition is heating up just a bit and our defense might require a little adjustment. The Bain Capital ad campaign against our apparent opponent hasn’t been going as smoothly as anticipated. It’s just like the Facebook debacle; it opened strong butt immediately began to come undone.

Let’s count the ways Obama’s team has messed this up.

First, the original Bain attack ad was weak, easily rebutted because Romney was not at the steel company at the time of the layoffs depicted in the ad. To make matters worse, the day the ad was released Obama was fundraising among his group of investment bankers, resulting in widespread ridicule in the media. And don’t forget Obama’s former car czar also blasted the ad.

Then along comes Booker and his forced recantation. That only highlighted his searing indictment on “MTP.” Because it wasn’t, in the Obama team’s view, sufficiently convincing, it necessitated the edit. This clown show resembles more a Communist propaganda operation (shall Booker next be airbrushed out of all photos with Obama?) than a supposedly formidable presidential campaign….

This is one more “shiny object” gambit (e.g. “war on women,” gay marriage) gone wrong. Not only has Obama utterly failed to stain Romney or distract the public from the economy, but he also seems to have convinced even the previously sympathetic media that his campaign is both desperate and inept.

The Obama team has come to resemble Wile E Coyote — each silly plot intended to wipe out his adversary blows up in the plotter’s face. Moreover, with the hyperspeed of a New Media-era campaign Obama is burning through his negative attacks with lightning speed. By July he might actually have to talk about some of the issues

So, before retiring to the showers Big Guy decided he should practice a few of the old plays in his playbook, work on his form and otherwise get back in shape for the big game.

Here he is practicing his hail Mary’s:

h/t: MP

Nice form! Butt remember, we don’t spike the ball when we win; that would be considered  bad manners.

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