Saturday, May 26, 2012

Working through the weekend so we can take Monday off

Okay, here’s a rundown on what we have on Romney so far:

He abuses dogs by putting them in a car roof kennel,

Pyoo Kingh/t Blonde Gator

He’s a bully who gives haircuts to innocent, unsuspecting victims (allegedly there’s a 50 year history, although the only documented incident occurred in 1965)

952012132028presidiariodisputavotoscomobama_apNot the mullet Mitt scalped, butt it could have been.

He’s an evil, rich white vampire who uses private equity capital to, well let’s have CNN’s Christine Romans explain:

“It's rich investors, wealthy people who pool their money together to invest in companies. Anything that can make them money." It's about making money! Often they zero in on failing companies. The private money comes in and restructures, sells divisions, closes failing parts, and reaps the benefits from the good parts.”

That’s pure evil - getting rid of the bad parts of a failing company; people are going to lose their jobs!  I’m surprised that’s even legal anymore.


We’re still looking for more mud unfair, insensitive, anti-woman, anti-minority, pro-rich capitalist pig behavior to accuse Romney of, butt so far this is all we’ve got to work with.

You know how that dog story worked out.

The Big Brains in campaign central intended to run full-bore on the haircut and Evil Equity Capitalist meme, butt it looks like some of them are starting to worry about it boomeranging the same the way the dog house story did.

bo weiner dog copy

Apparently there are grounds for concern. For example, remember when Big Guy used other people’s money to buy some car companies? Turns out they, too, “restructured, sold divisions, closed failing parts and reaped the benefits from the good parts.” In fact, they even closed down a “whole bunch of” parts that weren’t failing! Although mostly they were dealerships owned by R-words who didn’t contribute to the HOPE and CHANGE effort, so no biggy.

And besides, it’s a little like comparing apples and pineapples, since Big Guy didn’t use rich people’s money, he used yours. Butt the good news is, he’ll subsidize your purchase of one of his Volts with money he, well, got from you in the first place.

chevy-volt-garage-sad-hill-news-1 We recommend parking your Volt in the driveway.

car-fire-2-JPEG-500x375Better yet, on the street.

Anyway, here’s the embarrassing part: it appears that Big Guy has also been accused of being a bully himself. Some critics claim he bullied a bunch of the bondholders back when he was occupying nationalizing bailing out GM and Chrysler so he could give them to his union buddies they could survive. The hazing incidents ended with all the bond holders getting not just a haircut, butt a Elizabeth Warren style, Cherokee scalping. (Again, some people claimed that was illegal, butt apparently not.)

82fd44a9_fauxcahontash/t A.M.

And if it ended there, we might be out of the woods. Unfortunately some of those same critics are now pointing to the way Big Guy has invested other people’s money in our green energy programs. Wow! It looks like our Greenies have sent more employees to the unemployment line than all those vulture capitalist companies that were restructured by the vampire. Bain’s success rate at turning failing companies around is about 80%. On the other hand the successful green energy companies that Big Guy invested our money in have a failure rate of about 80%. Butt again, at least he wasn’t wasting rich people’s money.


Boy, this campaigning stuff is whole lot harder than it was last time around. So it looks like the whole Big Brained reelection team will be working right through the holiday weekend, trying to come up with a new strategy. I don’t know much more about the plan, other than they’re working out of what they call the “Choom-Choom Room” and by all accounts they’re burning up the joint. So I think we can expect new and exciting things from the campaign next week!

Oh, and by the way - Big Guy is signing up new campaign workers for the tough fight ahead.

new campaign recruit O-tay! I’ll put you down for my apple team, Luz. Do you have any older brothers who might want to join my pineapple team?

Linked By: sb on Weasel Zippers, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, Thanks!