Send In the Clowns. (Don’t Worry, They’re Here.)

There was so much going on last week that no one mirror could have possibly reflected every noteworthy item. Especially when we’re dealing with Democrats, who never fail to surprise.

So I’ll spend a few minutes today covering a few of the acts I missed.

Let’s start with Julian Castro. Does it matter that our wise Latino, entrusted with delivering the keynote address, doesn’t actually speak Español himself? Does that make him a fraud?

Of course not. As I pointed out last week, he comes by his bona fides legitimately - his mama being a charter member of La Raza Unida. And so what if he doesn’t speak Spanish? Last I heard, English is still the “first language” at Stanford and Harvard – two fine institutions of higher learning that he got into without having to lie about his heritage.

(Yes, I’m talking to you Princess Lizzy.)

Liz, during dress rehearsal and after hair, makeup & Xanax

Butt getting back to Julian for just a moment, we should try to be a little more sensitive about these things because "you can't just trot out a brown face or a Spanish surname and expect a vote for your party or your candidate." (H/T Mayor Villaraigosa)

And speaking of Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa; he, too, may have stretched the truth a bit in declaring a super majority in support of reinserting God and Jerusalem into the Democratic platform.

Oh, sure! Blame TOTUS!

Although his little fib was done with the best intentions, the spectacle may still be concerning to the small portion of America that actually watched the proceedings. As I mentioned, it was definitely disconcerting to witness a clear majority of the Democratic party denying God. Three times. And then the cock crowed.

1000% support for the little “0”

I need not mention that Bubba’s speech included a few little white lies, mis-rememberings and mis-misunderstandings do I? That’s one of his trademarks.

Then we have Debbie Wasserman Schultz: it seems somewhat politically incorrect to point out all of her truth stretching since everyone knows she suffers from a serial lying disability. Oh she tries to disguise it by claiming she was misquoted, by parsing her words and if all else fails, shape shifting. It used to work, at least for Big Dawg. Butt like all Progressive illnesses, eventually it catches up with you. No matter how much red, white and blue you wrap yourself in.

Frankly, I blame it on mascara/eyeliner poisoning:

Although, a well-defined “I” takes you a long way in politics, this may be overboard.

And speaking of overboard, here’s one “I” that should have settled for the “definition” she had established previously as Governor of Michigan (Where she spearhead Big Guy’s agenda by fundamentally changing Michigan. It didn’t work out well there either. Those green jobs? Not so much.)

Instead, she decided to pursue a career in broadcast “journalism” and is currently employed by Big Al’s Current TV. Here she is at the DNC auditioning for Ms.NBC’s upcoming reality show “Baby Boo Boo goes to Washington.” (Unlike most cases, the stills don’t do thisperformance justice. Watch the beclowning yourself.)

“Be A Clown”

Holy Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Society, Batman!  What’s up with these Democratic harpies womyn anyway? This is why there’s a warning about mixing your Redbull with hormone replacement therapy. And for God’s sake, whatever you do, don’t take the little blue pill.

I’m sorry, butt that just about wore me out, and I have a lot of chores to do today, so I’ll have to stop here and continue my wrapup tomorrow. I’ll just leave you with this parting shot:

Leaving Charlotte, packin’ it in

Note: many of you have written wondering if there’s any way to get your old “handle” back in Disqus. Raj advises me that he has researched and has updated his tutorial here, to include how to perform this nerd miracle. So if you liked your old handle, you can keep your old handle. No, really!

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Every Rooster Has its Day, or, from Rock Star Rooster to Capon

After listening to Big Guy’s acceptance speech, Clara Peller¹ had just one question:

“Where’s the Beef?”

Sounds like a lot of political pundits share her concern. Perhaps Jennifer Rubin summarized Big Guy’s Big Read best:

It would have been better had he not spoken. Seriously. Like an aging rock star, President Obama, in a downsized venue, with downsized proposal and spewing downsized rhetoric only reminded us how far he has fallen from the heady days of 2008. The man, the agenda and the aura are faint imitations of their 2008 incarnations. And most importantly, he put forth an agenda that was entirely, and obviously, lacking, one that didn’t begin to match the demands of our time.

There’s nothing pretty about an aging rock star

Even our own lapdog beat reporter for the Daily Beast essentially called “The Speech”  a prevent-defense, saying it was “pedestrian and overconfident:”

This was the rhetorical equivalent, forgive the football metaphor, of running out the clock: Obama clearly thinks he’s ahead and just doesn’t need to make mistakes. But when football teams do that, it often turns out to be the biggest mistake of all, and they lose.

Big on vision, small on details, big on straw men, small on facts; and that’s not just me complaining; that’s what our lapdogs are putting on the wire! And the fact checkers are even worse, red-flagging it all over the place.

I don’t think BO’s actually “off-shored” any of his old promises butt I can tell you this, he sure has downsized them: from “millions of new manufacturing jobs including 5 million in green energy alone” to “1 million new jobs in manufacturing,” from “cutting the deficit in half by the end of my first term” to…well, he didn’t actually say in “The Speech” what he was going to do about the deficit. He just said the the Republicans can’t fix it either. So much for HOPE.

So enough about “The Speech.” Let’s talk about “The Dress” instead. A sexy little off-the-mismatched-shoulders number that would be as comfortable on a luxury cruise or a cocktail party on Martha’s Vineyard as it was central stage at the DNC.

For the Big Read, Granny R re-cycled her “evil Panda” frock from Val-Jar’s daughter’s wedding (BTW, we’re still waiting for those expensive wedding gifts to be redirected to Big Guy’s campaign fund).

You may see a mean Mickey, butt I see angry Pandas

The frock is by a little known designer, Laura Smalls who also designed the lovely little butt-tucker that Lady M wore earlier this week to the GLBT luncheon:

So while Big Guy may not have many bragging rights in the business building department,  Lady M can chalk up yet another small dress designer business that she’s launched into the stratosphere. So when BO tells Ms. Small  “You didn’t build that, somebody else did that for you!” she’ll probably agree.

Kudo’s to Laura: we may have to look at MO’s bony mis-matched shoulders,

butt at least she  covered the knobby knees.

For the first time in my MOTUS life, I’m proud of my FLOTUS.

Also released today, right on schedule, good news about jobs! Here’s the actual CNN headline: August Jobs Report: Hiring slows, unemployment falls. I know, I know: that might surprise you, as it does seem counterintuitive. Butt you’ve probably forgotten about our Obama-Mathamagicals. (click here for a football analogy on how this play works) 

Just remember how this works: the more people we take OUT of the workforce, the smaller the denominator. The smaller the denominator, the lower the unemployment rate. So by “disappearing” all those pesky people from “my so-called labor participation rate” who have given up HOPE, the fewer people we show as unemployed and the better the unemployment number looks.

We have a few more tricks we use too, butt I can’t divulge everything.

So, after all the fact checking, pulse taking and poll taking I’m afraid the best grade I can give Big Guy for his Big Read is a solid B+, and even that’s on the curve. However, due to the robust Jobs report turned in this week, I’m going to give him extra-credit and upgrade it to an A-.

The Jobs Report, Just out this Week:

H/T Fausta

 

¹ RIP Clara (1902-1987)

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Big Dawg Marks his Territory: Nutz, Sluts and Butts

Apparently Big Guy was in favor of rejecting God and Jerusalem before he was against it.  Still, the timing of the CHANGE-it-back move was not inspired. I mean, who needs the optic of half the DNC booing God? Three times! Sort of like Simon Peter.

Either make the tree good, and his fruit good; or else make the tree corrupt, and his fruit corrupt: for the tree is known by [his] fruit.
O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.
                                                   H/T Matthew 12:33, 34 and Wreckless Faith

My informal polling indicates that smacking down God and Israel still doesn’t play well anywhere in fly-over.

Butt other than that, this week’s DNC has been a spectacular venue for displaying BO’s ideas for America. So far I’ve sorted all the ideas and the speakers into 3 buckets: Nutz, Sluts and Butts. I’m certain you can sort through and create your own bucket lists. Just be a little careful. While Bill Clinton was marking his territory he might have peed in Big Guy’s bucket.

Big Dawg marks his territory, while supporting Big Guy 1000%

Just as a reminder, here are some of the prominent voices to select from: Little Debbie, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Jimmy Carter, Rosa DeLauro, Rahmbo Emmanuel, Sandra Fluke (still rhymes with duck) Elizabeth Warren, Lady M and Bubba; with Joey B, Big Guy and maybe some surprise guests still to come!

Jamming with the DNC’s roster of Star War speakers in the bar

Let us pray – at least I think I can still say that. I’m pretty sure it’s not racist, butt I remain unclear on what our official position is on blatantly deist statements.

Anyway, I’m just glad yesterday is over. I swear, if I have to listen to one more shrill Democratic Woman (yes, that includes you, too, Boo-rock!) preach about contraceptives, equal pay, “choice”  and why we’re all in this mess together that we didn’t build, I’m going to unplug my motherboard.

And regarding the scuttlebutt on tonight’s line up, I’ve heard it includes secret guests Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman and Kerry Washington. I think they’re intended to respond to Clint Eastwood’s role at last week’s RNC. That makes sense: 3 empty heads to fill 3 empty chairs. And they do fit our target demographic: black, white, young and dumb.

We had to do something to fill all those empty chairs

Anyway, here’s a brief recap of the highpoints from Sandy’s rebuttal to the RNC’s War on Wimin (plural of DNC approved term “womyn”). Well, okay, there really weren’t any highlights, butt Sandra Fluke did effectively reprise John Edward’s (who?) “two Americas” theme.

Our  brave “young” coed, taking her fashion cues from our iconic FLOTUS

One America where the government pays for all your contraceptives and sex aides; and one where you’re left to your own devices to secure that basic human right. One America where bullies like Rush Limbaugh are free to pick on “reproductive rights activists studying to become a big time lawyer-advocate with a TV gig;” and one where your adversaries are silenced by a more sensitive, nurturing government agency. One America where pregnant women have a choice whether to deliver their late-term babies or not, and one where Paul Ryan will let pregnant women die in the emergency room (somebody’s channeling her inner Nancy Pelosi!).

Carried as part of the primetime lineup, the speech by contraception activist Fluke struck another dagger in the heart of the Republican’s War on Wimin. And it also inspired a whole new line of capitalist pig products.

H/T and apologies to Two Buck ChuckEach bottle comes with it’s own official DNC 2012 memorial condom

By all accounts, the dual purpose “Two Buck Fluke” is flying off the shelves around town. Why? Because unlike the Republicans, Democrats understand the dynamics of the American voting process:

H/T Mommy Life  And we really understand our demographics.

Oh, I almost forgot! I didn’t get to post a picture of the lovely frock that Lady M wore to yesterday’s luncheon hosted by the Human Rights Campaign and Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund (i.e. money for our reelection party and another super “importan” demographic). I think you’ll like it, butt it might require a bit of reupholstering before our next outing.

 

NOTE: in case you missed it, I filed a late update on Bubba’s speech, “Too Clever by Half?,” butt if you missed it, it was just Big Dawg marking his territory:

Big Dawg bows to “No One” (h/t: Clint Eastwood)

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Too Clever by Half?

This is how it’s done, boy. (Is that racist?)

I was just starting to draft today’s post last night when I tuned in to listen to the Big Dawg’s remarks. After what seemed like hours, he wrapped up, and he and Big Guy locked in a man-hug. So let me just share my initial impressions of Bubba’s speech before turning in. It was either the slickest double speak speech ever delivered or the most partisan, facts be damned, political speech of all time.

Never one to waste his time in the spotlight, and never-ever one to be constrained by the truth, it could be either. Or both  I just suspect he had something up his sleeve. And since I was monitoring Lady M’s facial expressions throughout the course of “the speech” I think her s**t detector went off too.

The Robinson siblings stand in awe. Or something.

Consider a few options just off the top of my head: 1) it wasn’t a speech intended to promote BO’s accomplishments so much as a self-aggrandizing speech intended to highlight the difference between a real pro like Big Dawg and a real… *ahem*… Amateur, like Big Guy. 2) It was a “damning with feint praise” strategy. Everything that Big Guy’s administration did that moderates or independents might have liked, he credited to someone else, and he took great pains to point out the whole slew of things Big Guy didn’t accomplish – saying that “nobody” could have fixed them in 4 years. Really? NObody? Really? 3)He was clarifying all the Democratic talking points for the Republicans so they can come to the debates loaded for bear. 4) He was just effing with Boo-Rock. Cuz it’s fun. And he can.

Since I’m putting this to press and it’s late, I still haven’t figured out Bubba’s end-game. Butt I’ll tell you one thing I’m sure of: he was speaking in code. I’ll get back to you as soon as my new de-coder ring arrives.

Big Dawg bows to “ No One” (h/t: Clint Eastwood)

Don’t forget: they don’t call him Slick Willy for nothing.

See you later in the morning, with further reports from the Star Wars bar.

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Hoo-ray for Hollywood! We Nailed it!

Where do you turn for inspiration once you remove God from the picture? There’s only one place: Hollywood, of course!

Hollywood: Where stars are born

Some people say the Reagan’s started the trend towards “Hollywooding”  D.C. butt while Ronnie and Nancy were from Hollywood, they were not OF Hollywood. They brought a certain glamour to the presidency,  butt the honor of bringing the trappings of Hollywood belongs to Bill and Hill. They’re the ones who first brought in the scene setters, the script writers the makeup artists and the acting coaches. They were sent packing during the Bush years, only to reappear with the arrival of the Wons.

And they are back with a vengeance. It’s been surprising just how much time they spent with Lady M; the acting coaches, the speech coaches, media consultants, the emotive therapists, makeup consultants, wardrobe consultants and hair stylists. After months of intensive training they took her show out of town for the test runs. There have been dozens of off-Broadway rehearsals around the country at fundraiser after fundraiser. It’s been brutal. Especially the  last 4 weeks as they really put MO through her paces in order to get this show ready for prime time.

They worked on everything: the timing, the awkward phrasing, the strangely stilted cadence and South Chicago twang. And aside from a few “schtruggles” that Lady M’s teeth just can’t seem to work their way around, they did a most remarkable job! Which is critical in this business where how you say something is far more important than what you say.

So the professional Hollywood O-Team took the political speech writer’s script (which generally doesn’t need much further embellishment) and spun it into a confection of magical fantasy that would dazzle even the most jaded audience!

The script even included a plausible explanation for why people might have thought at one time that Lady M was “angry.”

Our life before moving to Washington was filled with simple joys . Saturdays at soccer games, Sundays at grandma's house.and a date night for Barack and me was either dinner or a movie, because as an exhausted mom, I couldn't stay awake for both.

And the truth is, I loved the life we had built for our girls . I deeply loved the man I had built that life with . and I didn't want that to change if he became president.

I loved Barack just the way he was.

And she really didn’t want anything to CHANGE in her life. See, she was just protecting her family – who doesn’t get that? Butt now that she realizes that all her sacrificin’' for the American people is worth it (future book deals, her own TV show, etc), she’s not angry any more. Got that, buddy?!

And  wow! All the magic came together last night in a triumph of Hollywood Imagineering over reality!

MO: too big to fail

And when I say too big to fail I mean, literally, too big to fail.

Oh, I’m not saying the whole speech was made up. Like Big Guy’s autobiography, Lady M’s speech was a composite, based on a true story. Butt by the time the screen writers were finished “enhancing” it you would have thought it was Love Story all over again (although I guess that didn’t work out very well in the end, either in the movie or the real life love story of Al and Tipper that it was “based” on).

Anyway, the final script had Big Guy dumpster diving, driving a rusted out old car and wearing shoes that didn’t fit. And his typical white grandmother, the smartest person in the room - I guess it runs in the family - being passed over for promotions at the Big Bank in favor of white guys who were stupider even though they were better educated.

And that’s where Big Government comes in. Government is the only way to get people like BO a pair of shoes big enough to fit, and get grandma that promotion she so richly deserved and  get Michelle’s family something better than a walk up flat in South Chicago. Only Government can pass legislation requiring it, funding it and taxing the rich in order to pay for it. In fact, I think that’s a pretty good summary of the Democratic Platform.

And in case there’s anyone out there who still doesn’t believe that government is the most important aspect of your life, I suggest you go back and listen to Mayor Julian Castro’s speech. He’s one of the two political Castro twins from Texas (brother Joaquin is running for Congress on his good looks and poor upbringing too).

The Castro boys: don’t be fooled by the red and blue ties, they’re both Dems

They were raised (more or less fatherless since mom never married and dad left them) in San Antonio by Mom and Grandma (who apparently never married either; not that there’s anything wrong with that). Their story: they never would have had food to eat, shoes to wear, or been able to go to great schools like Stanford and Harvard to earn their law degrees if it weren’t for Big Government. Heartwarming, really. And vaguely familiar. Oh – and did I mention that Mom is a community organizer? And a founding member of La Raza? Just thought you’d like to know.

Butt back to Lady M’s outstanding speech where, like all good wives, she humanized her husband and explained that he really doesn’t have an enemies list, he loves everybody:

“I love that for Barack, there is no such thing as "us" and "them" — he doesn't care whether you're a Democrat, a Republican, or none of the above. He knows that we all love our country. And he's always ready to listen to good ideas.”

As Lady M said: the Presidency does “reveal who you are.”

So let me just summarize the rest of Lady M’s speech which if you want you can read here,  or, if your trying to lose your appetite, watch here. Lady M “deeply loves” Boo-rock (and vice versa), the American people are very lucky to have him as their Messiah in this godless world, yada yada yada.

In short, Lady M’s speech was really something! And it should have been; she’s been working on it for 3 1/2 years; all those fundraisers finally paid off.

Oh, and her frock was lovely too:

I think it was a Speedo by Tracy Reese.

And it didn’t always move as gracefully as Lady M herself:

“Static cling alert in Aisle 1”

After watching this performance I’m not sure if I’m better off now than I was 4 years ago, butt I can tell you this: Lady M is definitely better off now than she was 4 years ago.

 

At least our shoes match something now.

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