When Snarks Attack 6: The Winner

It’s in the history books now. Setting a modern day record with more than 5 million votes cast, the winner of the coveted Golden FLOTUS in When Snarks Attack: 6 is . . . “Gerard”!!!

Congratulations Gerard!!! You have won the fame and ovation of millions of MOLs and FOMs around the world and a permanent place in my Snark Hall of Fame.

Gerard’s winning snark "It's clear to me that as long as the editors of Capitol File have faces Nancy will have a place to sit." carried the day and achieved snark immortality.

The cherished Golden FLOTUS is now yours forever, to use and display as you wish.

It was a horse race right down to the wire. My team of ACORN vote counters were up all night. Moments ago Toes certified the results and offered his compliments to Gerard; “It was Chicago style machine politics at its best. He mobilized his base, provided the right mix of voter incentives and got out the vote.”

Congratulations to Janice; you went down swinging girl (I hope you’ll still get those air conditioners working when we get to hell). And congratulations to all the “runners up” and all my loyal, snarky FOMs and MOLs. You are all winners in my book, even if you don’t all get a statue.

For the record, the final vote count was certified by Toes after review of the audited results by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe. The results were as follows:

1. Gerard – 1,390,000
2. Janice – 1,160,00
3. srdem65 – 810,000
4. Moright – 290,000
5. MiaZagora – 280,000
6. Sine Qua Non – 270,000
7. PortiaElizabeth – 230,000
8. bettyann – 180,000
9. Cinderella – 170,000
10. Kathy N – 160,000
11. Madame DeFarge – 140,000
12. chiron – 90,000

In a special shout out to srdem and vereteno, we have received requests to immortalize your snarks “if it zips, it fits” and “we are on correct path comrades” from MOLs who would like to have “tea” mugs so inscribed. What do you think?

Butt Out (Special TGIF bonus post)

 Lady M’s No Child’s Fat Behind Posse, announcing their findings

Lady M is really bringing the hammer down on the kids’ fat behinds. Her Posse report let Big Food and Beverage know that they’re not only going to have to stop hawking delicious, sugary, fatty, unhealthy foods on Saturday morning, but they also better stop in-store promotions of unhealthy food by popular cartoon characters. From now on, if you own the copyright for these characters, you will only be able to license their use for healthy fare. ‘Cuz we’re looking out for you.

And thank goodness the O’s are looking out for us: calorie counts on restaurant menus, lower salt content in everything, (Big kudos to Theresa Heinz Kerry for reducing the salt in her previously yummy ketchup, if you work on the corn syrup too we might be able to get you a future FLOTUS gig after all. Or at least a Vice-FLOTUS.) zero tolerance for trans-fats, increased fiber content. Now that I think about it, that sounds like a nursing home diet. Could the same diet possibly work as well for the Wee Wons as it does the wee-wee ones?

Anyway, there will be mandatory reporting of all the little children’s fat behinds BMI’s, so we can continue to justify our budget for fighting childhood obesity. Oh, and there will be junk food taxes. ‘Cuz we’re looking out for you.

All of which is why I think Big Guy is in big trouble for his little rendezvous with temptation in Buffalo yesterday. No, not the crazy desperate ex-housewife incident.

 Luann and Big Guy at Duff's Famous Wings in Buffalo

I’m talking about the chicken wing incident.

While Lady M and her posse were busy releasing 50 ways to leave your blubber, Big Guy was busy chowing down on Buffalo hot wings, and French fries!

Big Guy’s Big Bite

 

 

This is going to get ugly.

 

 

The School Nutrition Association, of course, supports the Posse’s report, saying: 

"The Task Force's report recognizes the many challenges school nutrition programs face as they provide healthy, nutritious school meals to students everyday and emphasizes the need to increase funds for school meal programs as they work to build on this success."

And here - you’ll get a kick out the posse’s recommendations. I’ll translate them for you as we go along:

 
- Increase resources for school meals, including increased reimbursement rates; (more money for SEIU and food processors who’ve kissed the ring and fat behind – i.e. supportive food processors)

 
- Update Federal nutrition standards for school meals and improving the nutritional quality of USDA commodities provided to schools; (So our supportive food processors can charge more for their nutritious meals)

 
- Update competitive food standards to meet the Dietary Guidelines for Americans; (So supportive food processors can charge more for their nutritious meals)

 
- Encourage schools to update cafeteria equipment to provide healthier foods in schools; (no more unhealthy deep fryers, kids!)

 
- Encourage USDA to work with community stakeholders to develop innovative ways to encourage students to make healthier choices; (that’s stake-holders, not steak holders. And supportive stakeholders will receive lucrative contracts and other perks to develop these innovative ways)

 
- Link school nutrition programs to local growers and farm-to-school programs; (Big Organic Farmers are now Big donors too)

- Encourage more schools to participate in the HealthierUS Schools Challenge;  (the more the merrier, and the bigger the better; more contract possibilities for supportive campaign contributors)

- Provide technical assistance to school nutrition programs to help create and provide healthy school meals (because we’ve still got about a zillion jobs to create or save before the next election).

Big Brother is looking out for you. Step away from the French Fries! 

 

Surprisingly, there are a lot of those pesky Tea Partiers who still think Lady M should just butt-out. Losers.

 

 

I suppose they want Big Guy to put his butts out too. What a bunch of busy bodies. And did I mention, losers?

Breaking News Headlines: Jupiter’s Missing Belt

As reported by MOTUS MOL Cherie yesterday, Jupiter is missing a belt.

Scientists noticed the missing belt almost immediately after Jupiter re-emerged from a 3 month journey behind the sun. Investigators are baffled and have little to work with, “We don’t know where the belt could have gone. Jupiter has the largest girth of all the planets, so it won’t be easy to hide that bad boy". At least we’ve got that going for us.” DEVELOPING

In other news today, First Lady Michelle Obama swore in the first brigade of Calorie Corpse volunteer Calorie Counters who will not only keep track of sugary beverage intake, but also monitor the BMI’s of all elementary school children’s fat behinds.

Lady M swearing in her Calorie Corpse in her new belt. It’s out of this world!

Just Spring it…

After Lady M’s last few clothes horse outings, where she wore a couple of refried Thakoons,

Cinco Thakoon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thakoon Surprise

 

…and a Moschino from the Cheap and Chic collection, (their term, not mine; I would’ve stopped after “cheap”)

Chintz on the cheap

…look what we finally managed to stuff ourselves into! Double strand  pearls, high neck, sleeves covering the guns, solid jewel tone, classically cut dress.

What’s up with this? Who is she trying to throw off their game? 

  Who’s next?

I think the National Military Family Association Summit that MO attended yesterday in Georgetown really appreciated the effort she took to look, uh, not clownish. I sure hope the positive feedback will be enough to keep this dressing-like-a-grownup streak going, because let’s face it, some of us could use a little break.

I would like to think she dressed normal just to make me happy, but the fact is, I think the dry cleaners got Lady M’s wardrobe mixed up with Smootie’s, who always dresses classy. “Dresses white” is the way Lady M puts it. Seriously, if you just toss a hat on MO’s head,

 

and I think we’d have ourselves a bona fide Jackie! 

It’s Spring: new growth, new life, hope springs eternal.

I think I need to knock off the allergy meds.

When Snarks Attack: 6

This is a special edition of my world famous Snark Attack Awards. What’s special about it you ask? Well today I am proud to announce the first ever, and only ever, “Minister of Snark” Award.

This special award is given to the MOL who, in the opinion me and millions of other MOLs who have emailed or tweeted me, has succinctly and completely captured the Obot mindset in the fewest words possible:

“We are on correct path comrades”

Yes, the “Minister of Snark” is awarded to “vereteno”!!!!!

Congratulations vereteno, your contribution to snarkdom has now been officially immortalized forever. The coveted Golden FLOTUS is yours to keep and do with as you wish. It will be, for all eternity, here in my “Snark Hall of Fame”. So snark on comrade vereteno, snark on.

And now on to the big Sixth edition of “When Snarks Attack”. As usual, April was a big month for snarks. Like the old saying goes: April snarks, bring May ... uh ... um ... ???

I feel like Big Guy when TOTUS goes blank. All I can think of that rhymes is “Karl Marx” and I don’t think that works.

My super-secret nominating committee had a particularly tough time getting down to 10 finalists. In fact, they didn’t get down to 10 finalists. So this month, I am featuring a special “Daily Dozen Edition” of “When Snarks Attack”.

So without further delay and in alphabetical order, I present the nominations for the Golden FLOTUS, When Snarks Attack-6.

When Snarks Attack-6 Nominees

April, 2010

(comments may be edited by moi)

1. bettyann: “When Snarks Attack: 5”

Because, no matter what, a lady never EVER spills her ice.

2. chiron: “Hair Recovery Act of 2010”

I've heard of the Ruby Slippers, but the Grassy Clodhoppers? Now begone dear witch before someone drops a house on you too!

3. Cinderella: ”The Return of the Malaise” 

MOTUS, MOO needs to lose those goose poop green shoes. Can you hide them in the back of her closet?

4. Gerard: “Transforming America, One B-#%h at a Time”

It's clear to me that as long as the editors of Capitol File have faces Nancy will have a place to sit.

5. Janice: “Caboodle Jeans- Workplace Alert”

Yes, you are going to hell. However, the rest of us will be there with you. (and don't worry, because I'm an engineer, and I'll have those air conditioners up and working in no time)

6. Kathy N: “Bunker Post-1- The Big Chill-Hil”

... maybe her "killer'' workouts are working those toned arms moving her fork from her plate to her mouth...

7. Madame DeFarge: “Boodle Jeans”

You do realize that they will have to be special ordered through Omar, the tent maker don't you?

8. MiaZagora: “Barry and the Jets”

... What happened to No Child's Fat Behind? Hey - they're socialists. Why don't they just take the food away from the fat kids and give it to kids with low BMI's?...

9. Moright: “Singing in the Rain”

Are they all just taking the weekend off from hygiene and grooming? I don't think even Ditty would hire this posse...The national embarrassment tour continues.

10. PortiaElizabeth: “American IdOl- Do Kroners Come With That-“

... Heaven forbid, she would go one day without enough metallics to contact the space station.

11. Sine Qua Non: “C.S.I. Asheville”

... Mo-Mo the Angry Clown looks as though she can't wait ANOTHER MOMENT for her platter of vittles...

12. srdem65: “Oprah D-Oprah Redux”

... "If it zips, it fits".

Congratulations to this month’s worthy nominees and our new Minister of Snark, vereteno. The polls are now open and will remain open until 11:59 PM, Friday, May  14. As always, Chicago rules are in effect. Vote early, vote often.

May the Best Snark win, or at least get mouse-itis

Technorati Tags: snark,chicago rules,mouse-itis

trying.

Happy Meals? Put them in the History Books

I know you’ve been holding your breath waiting for this report to come out, so I won’t keep you waiting any longer. The White House Report on Childhood Obesity was released by Lady M and her posse yesterday. You’ll be surprised to hear that we still have a problem with those children’s fat behinds. in fact,the childhood obesity epidemic has now been upgraded to a full fledged “national health crisis." But don’t worry, we have a plan (in addition to Obamacare):

"We don’t need new discoveries or new inventions to reverse this trend," (Lady M) told reporters at the news conference, held at the Eisenhower Executive Office Building. "We have the tools at our disposal to reverse it. All we need is the motivation, the opportunity and the willpower to do what needs to be done."

Willpower in Action

And trust me, when we are talking about fat behinds and willpower, we know of which we speak. And  apparently that “willpower” will cost an additional $4.5 billion increase in the budget for childhood nutrition – this year.

The new “willpower” happy meal 

Everyone realizes that this is nowhere near enough additional funding to get kids to eat nutritional foods.That will cost at least another $10 billion to serve meals packaged and served by SEIU members. Oh, and we’ll need some new government regulation too, according to the report.

Jon Leibowitz, chairman of the Federal Trade Commission, said the plan embodies the idea that regulation is "the last thing you want to do," only after other means are exhausted. "You try to start by pushing soft regulation, by using your bully pulpit ... by commending the companies that are really stepping up to the plate and sometimes shaming companies that aren't doing enough." (aka sanctioned governmental brow beating)

So, on our future to-do list:

Special subsidies for breast feeding your baby up to age 26, at which time they will be determined by the government to be independent and ready to pay taxes on their own.

New taxes to punish people for buying Snickers bars, cheese doodles and frappe mocha javas with double whipped cream.

More taxes to cover the cost of shipping fresh fruit and vegetables into our food deserts, plus special subsidies to kids who will pretend to eat them.

And, there will be a big push to get entertainment companies to  limit the licensing of their popular characters only to nutritious food and drinks.

It looks like Big Guy’s decree transforming the Happy Meal will be implemented even faster than we thought. Unfortunately, it also looks like Lady M may have to give up her very lucrative endorsement gig:

“I’m Comin’ Out”

It was a bit of an off day, which was just fine with me. I’m still processing the O’s respective commencement addresses into my hard drive for future reflections.  And since Lady M wasn’t dressin’ for success yesterday, I took the opportunity to catch up on all of your snarky comments, recuperate from all those mai tais and martunnys from the day before and study our newest nominee to the Supreme Court, Elena Kagan.

I like her name, it just glides off the tongue, which is always a big hit in this administration. Never having been a judge before, she doesn’t have much of a paper trail, so I’m reduced to evaluating her on more superficial aspects – which is also a special advantage around here.

Anyway, Elena meets all of Lady M’s criteria: female, but not too female, not too tall, not too slim, and definitely not black (Lady M wants to be the first wise black Suprema – she just needs to get one of her Chicago friends to straighten out that little misunderstanding with her law license.) And she has already demonstrated her ability to wear robes smartly:

But back to Elena - she seems really nice. Both she and Lady M have always been big Supremes/Diana Ross fans (we discovered this on Ellie’s iPod when we were vetting her.)

 American Idols: separated at birth?

Ellie has Lady M’s total support. She won’t be any competition for her in the fashion-forward department, although I can see Ellie and our wise little Latina going head-to-head for top SCOTUS fashion spot. And there’s likely to be a bit of cat fighting in chambers, since, as mean Ann pointed out, Ruthie will no longer be the pretty one on the bench. (Don’t blame me for bringing it up,I’m just passing it on. Blame Annie, or Gerard – they’re both a couple of troublemakers.)

    

And here, I think, is a good sign: I couldn’t locate even one image on my hard drive of Ellie wearing red. I’m not saying that this means anything in and of itself. I’m just saying…

there is definitely a Red Queen  around here somewhere, and I don’t think it’s Ellie.

Is that Halo slipping off my Guitar Hero?

I’m back, and battle ready (thank goodness).

Here’s what I missed while I was on field assignment:

On Saturday, Lady M went to the University of Arkansas, Pine Bluffs, to give the commencement address to the graduates of this historical black college. It was reminiscent of Martin Luther King’s great speech in 1958, when he rallied students to continue their fight against segregation. She even recalled some of MLK’s own words, but since the fight against segregation has been won, MO encouraged them instead to be prepared to fight adversity, like she did. You might think they would’ve already figured that out if they’re getting college degrees, but good to be reminded, I guess.

 I’m beginning to see the value of that whole burqua thing

 

The kids look pretty happy to me, capturing the moment on their iPhones.

Then on Sunday Big Guy, too, gave a commencement address at Hampton University, another “historically Black college.”

There’s just one little thing about this that strikes me as odd: everyone admires Martin Luther King, recognizing him as a great man who led, and ultimately won, the fight against segregation. And now, here we have our own historic first black President and our equally historic black FLOTUS – both of whom are themselves beneficiaries of the end of segregation and graduates from not one, but three, integrated Ivy League colleges: Columbia, Princeton and Harvard. So why on earth, 50 years after the end of segregation are they both giving commencement addresses at two virtually all black universities? Am I missing something? I thought they didn’t like segregation? What next? Separate water fountains?

But back to the commencements: Last week at the University of Michigan Big Guy, delivered more of a campaign speech than a “get out there and set the world afire”  commencement address to a bright batch of young graduates. He told the graduates that he’s troubled by the angry rhetoric of those who are trying to make the case that government is “inherently bad.” Which is somehow different from the angry rhetoric coming from Big Guy’s team of Big Government dudes trying to make the case that capitalism is “inherently bad.”

Then he told the kids if they watch or listen to Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh, they should try reading the Huffington Post for a change, and if you normally read the New York Times editorials, “try glancing at the page of the Wall Street Journal.” He must have forgotten he was at the University of Michigan: they could actually read the editorial page of the WSJ.

Anyhoo, I guess Big Guy really doesn’t like new media – at least when they’re not on his side. Yesterday he told the graduates at Hampton that he thinks too many (dissenting) voices in the public square are a threat to democracy or something.

I’m still trying to get my arms around the fact that he doesn’t know how to use iPods, iPads, Xboxes, Playstations, and – in the case of Lady M - iPhones. I mean, for goodness sake, even the Queen of England knows how to use an iPod (and I’m sure she’s still enjoying Big Guy’s speeches). I’m going to have to send Raj over to the West Wing for a series of tutorials. After all, no president in the history of the world has been as “technological” as Big Guy.  Heaven help us if he loses his technological mojo and can no longer use TOTUS effectively.

Read more about the wonderful POTUS whine at the Jammie Wearing Fool. As they say, it’s delicious.

Big Guy’s new media halo

h/t Larwyn