Lady M is really bringing the hammer down on the kids’ fat behinds. Her Posse report let Big Food and Beverage know that they’re not only going to have to stop hawking delicious, sugary, fatty, unhealthy foods on Saturday morning, but they also better stop in-store promotions of unhealthy food by popular cartoon characters. From now on, if you own the copyright for these characters, you will only be able to license their use for healthy fare. ‘Cuz we’re looking out for you.
And thank goodness the O’s are looking out for us: calorie counts on restaurant menus, lower salt content in everything, (Big kudos to Theresa Heinz Kerry for reducing the salt in her previously yummy ketchup, if you work on the corn syrup too we might be able to get you a future FLOTUS gig after all. Or at least a Vice-FLOTUS.) zero tolerance for trans-fats, increased fiber content. Now that I think about it, that sounds like a nursing home diet. Could the same diet possibly work as well for the Wee Wons as it does the wee-wee ones?
Anyway, there will be mandatory reporting of all the little children’s fat behinds BMI’s, so we can continue to justify our budget for fighting childhood obesity. Oh, and there will be junk food taxes. ‘Cuz we’re looking out for you.
All of which is why I think Big Guy is in big trouble for his little rendezvous with temptation in Buffalo yesterday. No, not the crazy desperate ex-housewife incident.
I’m talking about the chicken wing incident.
While Lady M and her posse were busy releasing 50 ways to leave your blubber, Big Guy was busy chowing down on Buffalo hot wings, and French fries!
This is going to get ugly.
The School Nutrition Association, of course, supports the Posse’s report, saying:
"The Task Force's report recognizes the many challenges school nutrition programs face as they provide healthy, nutritious school meals to students everyday and emphasizes the need to increase funds for school meal programs as they work to build on this success."
And here - you’ll get a kick out the posse’s recommendations. I’ll translate them for you as we go along:
- Increase resources for school meals, including increased reimbursement rates; (more money for SEIU and food processors who’ve kissed the ring and fat behind – i.e. supportive food processors)
- Update Federal nutrition standards for school meals and improving the nutritional quality of USDA commodities provided to schools; (So our supportive food processors can charge more for their nutritious meals)
- Update competitive food standards to meet the Dietary Guidelines for Americans; (So supportive food processors can charge more for their nutritious meals)
- Encourage schools to update cafeteria equipment to provide healthier foods in schools; (no more unhealthy deep fryers, kids!)
- Encourage USDA to work with community stakeholders to develop innovative ways to encourage students to make healthier choices; (that’s stake-holders, not steak holders. And supportive stakeholders will receive lucrative contracts and other perks to develop these innovative ways)
- Link school nutrition programs to local growers and farm-to-school programs; (Big Organic Farmers are now Big donors too)
- Encourage more schools to participate in the HealthierUS Schools Challenge; (the more the merrier, and the bigger the better; more contract possibilities for supportive campaign contributors)
- Provide technical assistance to school nutrition programs to help create and provide healthy school meals (because we’ve still got about a zillion jobs to create or save before the next election).
Surprisingly, there are a lot of those pesky Tea Partiers who still think Lady M should just butt-out. Losers.
I suppose they want Big Guy to put his butts out too. What a bunch of busy bodies. And did I mention, losers?