I know you’ve been holding your breath waiting for this report to come out, so I won’t keep you waiting any longer. The White House Report on Childhood Obesity was released by Lady M and her posse yesterday. You’ll be surprised to hear that we still have a problem with those children’s fat behinds. in fact,the childhood obesity epidemic has now been upgraded to a full fledged “national health crisis." But don’t worry, we have a plan (in addition to Obamacare):
"We don’t need new discoveries or new inventions to reverse this trend," (Lady M) told reporters at the news conference, held at the Eisenhower Executive Office Building. "We have the tools at our disposal to reverse it. All we need is the motivation, the opportunity and the willpower to do what needs to be done."
And trust me, when we are talking about fat behinds and willpower, we know of which we speak. And apparently that “willpower” will cost an additional $4.5 billion increase in the budget for childhood nutrition – this year.
Everyone realizes that this is nowhere near enough additional funding to get kids to eat nutritional foods.That will cost at least another $10 billion to serve meals packaged and served by SEIU members. Oh, and we’ll need some new government regulation too, according to the report.
Jon Leibowitz, chairman of the Federal Trade Commission, said the plan embodies the idea that regulation is "the last thing you want to do," only after other means are exhausted. "You try to start by pushing soft regulation, by using your bully pulpit ... by commending the companies that are really stepping up to the plate and sometimes shaming companies that aren't doing enough." (aka sanctioned governmental brow beating)
So, on our future to-do list:
Special subsidies for breast feeding your baby up to age 26, at which time they will be determined by the government to be independent and ready to pay taxes on their own.
New taxes to punish people for buying Snickers bars, cheese doodles and frappe mocha javas with double whipped cream.
More taxes to cover the cost of shipping fresh fruit and vegetables into our food deserts, plus special subsidies to kids who will pretend to eat them.
And, there will be a big push to get entertainment companies to limit the licensing of their popular characters only to nutritious food and drinks.
It looks like Big Guy’s decree transforming the Happy Meal will be implemented even faster than we thought. Unfortunately, it also looks like Lady M may have to give up her very lucrative endorsement gig: