Sunday, May 2, 2010

Clarabell vs Ronald McDonald: 9th Circus Court of Appeals Smackdown

So have you heard about the stupid law passed in Santa Clara county, California? It’s got both Lady M and Big Guy all wee-weed-up.

Apparently the Santa Clara County residents (aka Clarabellans) are tired of all their kids being obese, and they’re angry and frustrated with the federal government for failing to enact into law and fully fund MO’s “No Child’s Fat Behind” program. Taking a cue from the angry, frustrated haters in Arizona, they, too, took matters into their own hands. Recognizing the the evil McD’s is using cheap plastic toys to lure children into unhealthy eating practices, they’ve passed an irresponsible and unconstitutional law prohibiting Mickey D's from including those cute little toys in the formerly  “Happy Meal”.

happy-meal no more Happy no more

I was so proud of how Lady M took the lead on this one. She even stopped eating her hamburger long enough to to step up to the plate and bat one out of the park, telling a gaggle of supportive reporters:

MO burger

"The failure to act responsibly at the federal level will only open the door to irresponsibility by others. And that includes, for example, the recent efforts in Santa Clara County, which threaten to undermine the basic notions of fairness that we cherish as Americans.”

And she didn’t stop there: “I will closely monitor the situation and examine the civil rights and other implications of this legislation. And I have ordered Barack to order the Justice Department to monitor the implementation of the law for any potential civil rights violations, real or imagined.”

Now that’s a pair.

When she was done with her delicious Happy Meal, she met with a group of children protesting the end of the Happy Meal toy and posed for pictures.

mo mickey d copy

Now, you might be surprised that Lady M has taken this position, since she’s the one always yapping about the kids fat behinds. But like almost everything Team-O has on its plate, there’s always more going on behind the non-transparent curtain than in front of it. Now, you can’t tell anyone yet, but we think we’re close to inking a historic deal with Mickey D to transform the original Happy Meal:

  1. All beef patty, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle, on a sesame seed bun: GONE,
  2. Delicious, ice cold sugary beverage: GONE,
  3. Yummy French fried potatoes: GONE,
  4. Fun toy promoting a movie by a Hollywood contributor: GONE.

The new, transformational Happy Meal is going to be, well, I tell you what: I’ll just report, you decide.

organic yamsHome-grown yams for our organic yam patties 

  1. Steamed organic yam patty, special bean sauce, Tuscan kale, soy-cheese, fresh beets on a flax seed rusk,
  2. Supersized, ice cold wheatgrass and soy milk beverage,
  3. Oven-browned taro root twigs,
  4. Your favorite transformational Obama action figure.



Things were all lined up and then – blamo! – along comes this group of angry haters right out of left field, passing a law that threatens to undermine our entire historic deal. Big Guy mustered Riki and a team of his best litigators to sue the crap out of those Clarabellan clowns.

clarabell Clarabell the Clown, Patron Saint of Santa Clara County

We’re not very optimistic about our odds of winning in court however. We haven’t had enough time to stack transform the Supreme Court, and I guess some of them are still ticked off about Big Guy ripping them a new one at our first historic State of the “How-Cool-is-the-Union-Now?” Address.

On top of that, our go-to source for legal research on the opposition’s point of view, the Legal Insurrection , makes an unfortunately solid case for the Arizona law’s constitutionality. That doesn’t bode well for our Happy Meal case.

But then, in the depths of our despair, Big Guy drew from his experience as a Constitutional Law professor lecturer teleprompter reader guy and told Riki to ignore the old, traditional legal arguments. And, to the amazement of all, Big Guy outlined the finer points of his new, post-modern, transformational legal case. Well, technically it’s called an Executive Order:

The Santa Clara law banning the toys in Happy Meals is unconstitutional because I said so. Because I’m the President.

So let it be written.

So let it be done.

barry pharoah copy

So once we get the endorsement of the MSM, I guess we’re good to go with the new, downsized, healthier Happy Meal:


I ‘m not sure the kids are going to like it though, because it is a lot smaller. But we’re doing it for their own good. You’d think they’d be saying “thank you.”