Saturday, October 3, 2009

Black Tie and Caviar Date Night

There is still a lot of dog kicking going on around here today, but things are starting to look up a bit. After all, it is the Royal’s big 17th wedding anniversary today!

ObamaWeddingPartyAnd have we ever come a long way baby! Sure, things got a little rocky a few years back, but MO and Bo worked through it in order to do the good work for the American people; just like Bill and Hill did. You’ve got to admire their selflessness. And sacrifice.

There is some disappointment that we couldn’t still be enjoying the thrill of an Olympic victory as we rolled into the biggest “date night” of the year. But we’re all adults, and we can deal with disappointments. And that fracture line along my lower left quadrant - that I suffered when I clumsily got in the way of Lady M’s heirloom vase which was inexplicably flying across the room - can probably be buffed out.

But as I was saying, we are not, repeat, not going to let something as insignificant as a humiliating international snub and defeat get in the way of celebrating 17 years of (mostly) happily married life. So we’re having take out pizza and a few cases of Dom. No one around here is very hungry anyway. Although I do think we’re having a few gallons of Ben and Jerry’s shipped in later tonight for the celebration. We were going to have Hagen Daz, but it sounded a little too - Scandinavian. And like I said, there’s still a degree of dog kicking going on, so no need to stir up painful memories.

What’s that? Oh. Change of plans. I guess we’re going out after all. Lady M is feeling better, and is able to sit up and take a little nourishment. I hear Marine One firing up. Oh, I hope we’re going to Paris!

I guess we’re having caviar with our champagne after all. Really, what’s the point of moping around? We may have lost the Olympics and let a few of our pals down in Chicago, but really: the world is still our oyster, and there are many, many more pearls to be had.


PS. What not to get Lady M, BO.

Is It O-ver?

I’m sure you can imagine what it’s been like around here after the crushing blow of personal defeat: all long faces, silences and whispered talk of the magic being over. Mo and Bo tried to put on a happy face as they arrived back at the Big White, but they didn’t fool anyone. The air was crackling with discharging electricity, and even the dog ran for cover.

mo bo deplane

I don’t blame the staff for being a little nervous. They’ve never personally witnessed how quickly a myth can be extinguished in this town. But I told them “buck up” - this is Washington, the land of a thousand rebounds. They’ll all calm down next week when everyone’s back on their meds.

But it did give me pause. Since I’ve been around D.C. much longer than the rest of this crew I know the crisis will pass, but I do want to start thinking about the future in order to line up my options. I don’t want to end up back in the Smithsonian. So I started to sort through who the next POTUS and FLOTUS might be – you know, to get myself prepared to handle the challenges. Here’s what I’ve come up with:


  • Hillary. Been there, done that, it hurt (see the Clinton years in the above link). Not my first pick.
  • Joe Biden. Love Jill, almost a Betty.But Joe.. let me just remind you: “Stand up Chuck! Oh. God love you. Let’s all stand up for Chuck!” Yeah. Not going to happen.
  • Bill Richardson. “Viva Zapata” has never sold too well in fly-over, but now that Rio grabbed our Olympics I think there might be a bigger backlash.
  • John and Teresa. Love T, at least she never looked like she was wearing curtains, tablecloths or any other inappropriate draping material. But 4 years with Herman Munster? Don’t think so.

john and t

  • Al and Tipper. Saw the movie (Love Story, not An Inconvenient Truth) and – uh, no. Besides, I can’t run on windmill power.
  • Henry Waxman. aka Nostrildamus. Sorry, won’t work. My trans-imaging only works in one direction on this guy – and it ain’t pretty.
  • Any Kennedy. Nope. My circuits are only waterproof to a depth of 10 feet.
  • Nancy Pelosi. You’re kidding right? Besides, what plastic surgeons have stretched cannot be further rendered by a nancy pelosi mere NASA created, trans-imaging, multi-refracting nanotechnology mirroring device.

From the Republican Pool:

  • John and Cindy. Love the Cinder, not much to do there, except for the hair. But John, well, no one’s buying the temper tantrums any more. Maybe Megan would like to run. Now that girl could use me.
  • Mitt Romney. Probably not going to happen. There’s that temple underwear thing that seems to wing some people out, and with the Olympics going to Rio, no one’s going to remember that he’s the only man on the planet who ever managed an Olympics that actually made money. Which is really not a prerequisite for the presidency anyway, so he’s got nothing.mitt ann
  • Mike Huckabee. He and the Missus could use me, but there is that name: Huckabee? President Huckabee? Yeah, that doesn’t really work. Besides, I’ve already served a couple of Arkansas goobers, I think that’s enough.
  • Bobby Jindal. I love this guy. But frankly, I see him more in tech support. For what it’s worth, so does Hillary.bobbyandsupriyajindal
  • Charlie Crist. Boy, if he could just buy a consonant, he could ride in on the coat tails of the current messiah-themed president.
  • Tim Pawlenty. President Tim? That’s not much better than Huckabee. He could go by Timothy, but that still makes him sounds like a poet. I think we’ve already had enough right-brained presidents for the 21st century, don’t you?
  • Dick Cheney. While he’s not all that easy on the eyes, he’s my personal fave. And Lynn’s not much work either, which is surprising since they both came from Wyoming. Even fly-over states fly over Wyoming. I don’t think he’s interested though. Having too much fun smoking his Cohibas, eating his bison pot-roasts, tossing F-bombs at the media and generally annoying the few Wyoming liberals there are up in Jackson Hole.
  • Sarah Palin. She would be a dream: great basic architecture, just needs a little help with the trim-out. And who wouldn’t love having Todd around? I don’t really think she’s interested either. There aren’t any moose in D.C., just pigs, dogs and an ever increasing cougar population. I sure wish we could build a Cheney-Palin ticket – in either order. It would make me feel safer than my Norton anti-virus and Spy-bot combined.

I better stop day-dreaming. Reality intrudes. I’ve still got a job to do for the American people. And I won’t let you down.

yelllow bomb I wonder if Michael Kors would like to run for president? I really think it’s time for him to consider a new line of work, and as you can see from my list, we’re a little thin on candidates.

Undate: I forgot one of the Democratic contenders: Rhambo. But after Copenhagen, I think we've all had enough dead fish.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Blame It On Rio (and Racism)

Holy Crap!

I mean did you see the headline on Drudge?!


We’ll all be sitting Shiva on Air Force One for the long flight mourningNobody saw this coming. Well maybe Rahmbo, who made all of us go out and take one for the team. Originally he thought that Chicago’s Pay to Play reputation would break in our favor. But now, after huddling with Gibbsy and Biden to finger a fall guy – and determining that George W. Bush wasn’t really a viable candidate – we’ve decided it’s Blago’s fault. With the state’s ex-Governor already under indictment, we’re going to say that the IOC didn’t want to risk another embarrassing scandal like the one in Salt Lake City; and they had already talked to Mitt Romney who told them he wasn’t willing to bail out Obama's Olympics. That’s our story, and we’re sticking with it. That, and the fact that the Dane’s are all racists.

Meanwhile, all our high-five’s have dropped to single digits.

We’re going to have to get back to work for the American people big time now. Most of the 24 million jobs we were planning on saving or creating were associated with the Chicago Olympics.


I apologize for leading all of you astray with my prediction of victory. It would appear as how the IOC can not be conned as easily as the American electorate. I’m humbled, and a little sad. Lady M, on the other hand is handling all this in a much healthier manner: she’s letting off steam by dropping F-bombs all over everyone.

On a brighter note, you can listen to my favorite song while commenting:

Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm.

We’ll know for certain in a few hours, but if you ask me, Chicago is a shoe-in.

Not only did Big Guy bring his game, but also, Lady M bedazzled the house in her buttercup yellow wrap-sack with a bow while telling the IOC that her dad always wanted her to bring the Olympics to her home town. Mo bo co4

mo butter

She explained that it was her Chicago precinct captain father who first taught her how to manage around Washington:

"He showed me how to throw a ball and a mean right hook better than any boy in the neighbourhood," she said.

And that wasn’t just a story, it was a promise.

But the real give away on who was going to win the games came yesterday, when we went to the IOC ceremonies at the opera house. The Danish Choir performed.danish choirAnd while most of it was in Danish, the chorus was in English and perfectly clear:

“Barack. Hussein. Obama. Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm!”

I’m getting some new Nikes and UVA lenses for the big games.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Bringing Home the Bacon: It’s What We Do

Lunch was a bust: smorgasbord. Again. They do love fishy little things on bread with pickles over here. Oprah was not pleased either.

But look at Denmark's Queen Margrethe: you can just tell by looking at her that all she ever eats are sardines. On the other hand, Prince Henrik, the  Queen’s husband, seems to enjoy a cheese Danish occasionally.danish royals 

 frederik and mary

Danish Crown Prince Frederik and Crown Princess Mary - above, right: more fish eaters.

Queen Magrethe speaks English quite well,  so right away when she started yammering at us in her native tongue: “Når jeg så dem få ud af flyvemaskinen, og jeg så, hvor store deres bag ser i denne påklædning jeg troede, min gud, vil hun ikke har et spejl?” it raised my skepticism lens to code red.

I usually rely on TOTUS for translations, since he has all the language packs pre-loaded, but since he won’t arrive until later tonight, I had to run it through my laptop language converter. You won’t believe it, but – and this is a direct translation – it means “When I saw you get off the airplane, and I saw how large your behind looked in that dress I thought, my God, does she not have a mirror?”

A mirror!? Hellooo! Of course she has a mirror:a high-tech, state of the art one at that. I wouldn’t have told Lady M what Queenie said, except I want her to understand how important it is to allow me to deplane first from now on.

Just to prove my point, please note these pics from the Copenhagen Opera House for the IOC opening ceremony, where I’ve been fully deployed:

Better, you must mo oly2 

And I hope you didn’t miss the symbolism of this beautiful gold dress: We are definitely bringing home the gold, in more ways than one.

Oh, O, Oh.

Wow! If you think Lady M created a buzz here in Copenhagen, you should see the Oprah adulation. It’s scary to think what will happen when Big Guy gets in later tonight. The best Brazil could do was Pele.

It’s not that we thought for a moment that MO couldn’t pull this miracle off by herself, but it never hurts to throw in a little extra star power. Besides, MO and BO have never won an election without Oprah so it didn’t make sense to take a chance.mi and op cop Here we are giving our joint campaign pitch, just like in the old days. As you can see, O’s also a big fan of the cinched sausage look. Even with a little help from my refracting trans-imaging, Oprah is still the best way to make MO look slim. That’s why she’s Lady M’s BFF. Just thought you’d want to know.

This morning we met with the Prime Ministermico3 over a few Cheese Danish, and now we’re off to see the Queen. Lunch at Amalienborg Palace, I hope they don’t serve those little fish sandwiches again: the smell lingers for days.  Other than that, looking forward: MO loves looking down on the wee Royals.

Back later with pictures and a lunch review.

Technorati Tags: ,,

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Olympic Gold

We have arrived in Copenhagen to begin the heavy lifting required to win the Olympics for Chicago in 2016.  And not to distract from our main objective, but here’s a teachable moment:mi copen4 I realize it’s not protocol, but Mo is just going to have to find a way to let me de-plane first if she doesn’t want these big old butt shots blasted across the internet. Sheeze, especially if she’s going to wear psychedelic panda prints.

But back to business. We’re here, of course, to apply Chicago style influence to win the games for Lady M’s native city. She brought Valerie Jarrett to help because Rahmbo is busy back in Washington strangling small animals to send to senators who aren’t voting for Big Guy’s health care bill. After spending some time on the plane on the way over with these Ladies Who Eat Your Lunch, I’m going to say we don’t really need him. Wouldn’t need BO either, except his appearance was one of the Dane’s prerequisites in return for their vote. While MO is a natural at this game, having been raised in Chicago where quid pro quo was practically invented,vj  Val is no slouch on this circuit either. I’m sure she’s delivered more than one dead fish back in the day.

So we’ll be spending today meeting with just about every IOC delegate that can vote for us and showing them the old Chicago “hospitality” if you know what I mean. Because ACORN has been banned in Denmark, we’ll have to explain carefully that they are only allowed to vote once, so make it count.

Things are going well. We’ve only been here a few hours and we’ve already allocated enough “goody bags” to fund 2 or 3 military coups in third world countries that capitalism has abandoned. I’m feeling pretty confident. I might even go so far as to guarantee that we’ve got a lock on the Chicago bid. Unless that bitch from Brazil ,Marisa Leticia includes a small bag of emeralds with the goody bags they’re handing out.copen brazilAnd I wouldn’t put it past her. She’s our only real competition. I think you can tell by this picture of her husband’s (Luis Inacio Lula da Silva ) hand that she could easily be a member of the Ladies Who Eat Your Lunch club too.

I can’t wait to see former FOTUS Hillary Clinton again. We’ve come a long way baby.


Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Reset: I’ll Give you 200 Nukes, You Give Me One Olympics

So, we’ve finally got the logistics worked out on our Copenhagen trip to bag a trophy for Chicago. Big Guy’s going to be able to join Lady M and BFF Oprah after all. It will be just like old times. opra3General McChrystal is going to tag along too, since Bo hasn’t been able to squeeze in any face time with him in the last 6 months. Apparently there’s something about the war over in Afghanistan that he wants to jawbone about. That’s the problem with those military types: they always think that whatever they’re involved in is more important than your business. Or is that what Big Guy said about General McChrystal? I sometimes get confused when everyone around here is talking at once. And that happens a lot,  when we’re geeked about getting together with other celebrities. Especially Oprah. Honestly, it’s like a threesome or something.ObamaOprah

I do hear some yammering that Bo doesn’t have his priorities straight. What with the new Iranian nuclear threat, healthcare reform, an inconvenient war (that George Bush started), a declining economy and a move afoot to replace the dollar as the world’s currency he should stay home and work on these things instead of heading off to Denmark to read our pitch for bringing the Olympics to Chicago. Might I remind these critics that we have a plethora of little people to do the work of the American people. Big Guy is the Lobbyist-in-Chief. Let’s let him do what he does best.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Angie Settles For Power

Angela Merkel won! We are very excited. I take back everything I said about her last August. At least I think we’re excited.It’s a bit confusing because she won another 4 years as German Chancellor with a shift towards the Conservative Right!? That doesn’t seem right, in the post O world, does it?

Big Guy did call, ostensibly to congratulate Angie. But what I think he really wanted to find out was how she managed to win an election when she didn’t even campaign in the last week. She was here! At the G-20 soiree. How IS that possible?

Bo’s all over it, because he has heard of German efficiency, and if they’ve got something that works even better than ACORN, he sure wants to know about it.

As far as Mo goes, on one hand she’s not thrilled with the win because of that “Most Influential Women” ranking. On the other hand, she heard that Angie let my cousin Greta go, so there’s less competition in the “lookin’ good” at the Heads of State tours. Greta’s now working as a studio artist for Martin-Missfeldt, just until something permanent comes up; maybe when Carla starts showing her age.

I probably shouldn’t show you how trans-imaging works, but I just want you to appreciate how much effort goes into making our clients look good. This is what Greta used to do for Angie: Just imagine what I have to go through – instantaneously - for Lady M every time we go out.

Monumental Task

We certainly did have a hectic week around here: first we had to apologize to everyone (again) for everything America did prior to 9 months ago, then there were the interminable photo ops at the Metropolitan,the  organic dinner where  Carla showed up acting like she was the new Jackie O,


the museum trip where we had to pretend that Andy Warhol was a serious artist, and then the Congressional Black Caucus dinner where we had to reassure the team, again, that Obamacare Means Free Healthcare For Everyone.  You would think that after that the family might chose to stay home on Sunday night – maybe have a little sushi and call it a week.

No. We have to tromp off to see the Washington Monument and Jefferson Memorial by moonlight. wm6

As if they aren’t going to be there for ever (unless the Secret Service knows something I don’t, but I don’t think that’s it).

To be fair, the Won’s half sister and her fam were in town for a visit, so I suppose you have to show them around. It seems to me they came to see the sights more so than BO and MO, so the SS might have been able to chauffer them around, but I got the impression BO wanted to go.

I have noticed that when more than 12 hours pass between photo-ops, we do start experiencing the jitters around here, so maybe it is just that junkie thing. Fortunately, the press is a very reliable enabler. Here are a few snaps they took as we had fun on the National Mall:


I think you can tell though, that, despite her best impersonation of having fun, Lady M is having none of it.


On the other hand, it could be that Big Guy was just checking the Mall out to get some ideas for the design and placement for his own memorial some day.


Sunday, September 27, 2009

We Are The Ones You’ve Been Waiting On

The WaPo reports this morning:

Members of the Congressional Black Caucus and several thousand of their supporters wrapped President Obama in a warm embrace at a gala banquet Saturday night, as Obama reminded the crowd of the initiatives he has enacted in the early months of his presidency.

You could –literally – feel the love. My lenses were fogged up all night. And it’s probably just me, because sometimes I feel like I’m 24/7 with the Royals, but do you really think there’s anyone left on earth that needs to be reminded – again – everything that Big Guy’s done?

And then he goes on (and on):

“We’ve been waiting since the days of Teddy Roosevelt; we’ve been waiting since the day of Harry Truman; we’ve been waiting since Johnson and Nixon and Clinton,” Obama said. “We cannot wait any longer.”

We know, we know: “we are the ones we’ve (you’ve) been waiting for”. So Ok. Here you are:

bc dinnerbc dinner09 Lady M is wearing a knee black caucus dinner 09 length black evening gown with diamond bangles (many) on her wrist.(Carla does seem to have made an impression on MO). And no, I don’t know what those feathery little fillips are.




booo bcd bos bccd



But, as BO has reminded us, it’s not all about him (you).